Trump MSG Rally Prompts Outrage, Mockery Across Late Night

Missed Monday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.

Trump’s Final Solution Campaign Push

Donald Trump held a campaign rally at New York’s Madison Square Garden on Sunday, and those crazy liberals were all over the former President once again. They claimed that the Trump team (with the aid of MSG owner and longtime Trump pal James Dolan) specifically chose the historic arena for its last big appeal to voters in a nod toward that big American Nazi rally held there in 1939. Which is, of course, just ridiculous.

I mean, it’s not like this campaign is led by a fascist dictator-loving demagogue who routinely demonizes minorities in an appeal to his xenophobic white base. Or featured speakers who engaged in some of the most vile and hateful rhetoric attacking people of different races, women, Jews, and the LGBTQ community with hacky stereotypical insults. Or that they played an anthem to the slave-owning Confederacy when one of the only Black speakers made his appearance.

Or that the main speaker was was a twice-impeached (for trying to overthrow democracy) multiple felon who donned the colors of the neo-Nazi group he famously told to “stand by” in his failed coup attempt promising to deport millions of non-white immigrants (and American citizens whose legal status in the country he doesn’t like). Or that his dead-eyed propaganda minister deliberately echoed Adolph Hitler’s in shouting “America is for Americans and Americans only.” Or that his billionaire benefactor, currently under investigation for openly buying votes, sported a new cap emblazoned with the candidate’s nativist slogan but in new, Mein Kampf font.

In case irony’s not your bag, Trump’s MSG hate rally was all of those things and nauseatingly more. A visibly disgusted Stephen Colbert summed up a whole lot of feelings when he called it “a stomach-churning six hours of racism, hatred, and threats of totalitarian revenge,” before  saying bluntly, “Anyway, the whole thing just sucked.” Naturally, Republican news outlet Fox called the whole thing a fun little romp, leading Colbert to wonder, “Wow, how would they have covered Nuremberg? ‘High-five enthusiasts thrilled by superstar Austrian painter’s tiny mustache!'”

So let’s break down this modern-day Nazi hoedown, speaker by repellent speaker.

He Is a Real American/Fighting to Get His Shirt Off

MAGA wrestling pariah Hulk Hogan took the stage to the strains of his old school ring anthem and attempted to do his signature “tear your shirt off in patriotic rage” move, only for the 71-year-old to struggle for what seemed like ages to strip off his outer garment. Essentially, Hogan jobbed out to a t-shirt. Now some might think it mean-spirited to mock an old man with a long history of workplace-related injuries for fumbling through a mundane physical task in public.

But Hogan is a renowned and disgraced bigot bringing his outdated “real man” schtick in support of an even bigger a-hole, so let the jokes begin.

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“That is just sad, to see an old man like that. We’ve all had that moment when you have to look at your grandpa and say, ‘Pee-Paw, it’s just not safe any more. We’re gonna have to take away the keys to your shirt.'” 

stephen colbert

“Oof, that was like watching my kids trying to take off a sweater. ‘There’s a zipper! Just undo the zipper! You look like you’re having a hockey fight with yourself.'” 

seth meyers

“You know, I warned him not to wear the Beefy T but nobody listens.”

jimmy kimmel

“It’s so unsettling when wrestlers can’t land their signature move. It’d be like Dwayne Johnson yelling, ‘Can you smell what the Rock is cooking? I can’t because it’s allergy season, I’m all stuffed up!'”

seth meyers

“You know you’re getting old when you lose a wrestling match to your tank top.”

jimmy kimmel

The Anti-Immigrant Immigrant

Melania made an appearance! Now sure, the former Slovenian model , third wife, and First Lady looked about as happy to be there with her serial adulterer, adjudicated sex criminal hubby as she was pretending to enjoy Trump’s company at state dinners. But at least she greeted her husband with a kiss the likes of which you reluctantly plant on your least-favorite handsy great uncle’s cheek at Thanksgiving.

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“Melania Trump made a rare appearance in compliance with section 3, subsection 2/7 of her prenuptial agreement.” 

jimmy kim mel

“To me there’s nothing more beautiful than watching a man and his wife try not to smudge each other’s bronzing cream.”

jimmy kimmel

“She greets him like he made a delivery to her art gallery.”

jimmy kimmel

“It was as if they caught her in a glue trap at Saks Fifth Avenue and dragged her there.”

jimmy kimmel

[On the couple’s reluctant half-smooch to Lee Greenwood] “Aw, God bless the NDA.”

jimmy kimmel

The Least Funny Comedian in the World Bombs

Late-night hosts assiduously did not name the stand-up loser who led off this roast of human decency and compassion with a set so vile even the Trump campaign rushed to distance itself from his hacky racism. It’s a canny move intended to keep from giving the sniveling, sneering little creep the attention he so craves as he prepares his “I’m Cancelled” tour of the nation’s least desirable comedy venues, so we’ll follow suit. except to say that the Austin-based podcast clown is represented (for the moment) by a company who’d no doubt love to hear from you.

Regardless, the little jerk’s joke about Puerto Rico being a floating pile of garbage got most (although hardly all) of the ire, with Hispanic GOP officials sweatily trying to distance themselves from the speaker who’s act was fully vetted and approved by the Trump campaign beforehand, Republican pollsters watching the hundreds of thousands of people of Puerto Rican descent in swing states express their anger on social media, and Puerto Rican celebrities with massive followings like Ricky Martin, Jennifer Lopez, and Bad Bunny all coming out to recommend all their rightfully pissed-off fans vote for Kamala Harris.

As for [name redacted to deprive the little sh*t of the oxygen he’s counting on to pump up his grimy, unfunny career], his “you just can’t take a joke” and “you’re taking me out of context” excuses are getting more laughs than his lousy act ever did or will. (The context was you speaking at a fascist rally, by the way, just if you’re confused.)

“Do you know how bad something has to be for the Trump campaign to distance themselves from it? Trump won’t even distance himself from Hannibal Lecter. He’s bragging about how similar he is to Scarface.”

seth meyers

“Buddy, you don’t get to call something else a floating pile of garbage when you are standing on top of Penn Station. They clean off the pee with fresher pee.”

stephen colbert

“You’re not gonna win over half a million people by insulting their homeland. That’s why William Henry Harrison dropped his original slogan, ‘Tippecanoe and Don’t Trust the Irish!'”

stephen colbert

“It was ugly, it was mean, it was hateful, it was racist, it was anti-Semitic, it was stupid. They really pissed off Puerto Ricans to the point that bad Bunny had to get involved. And that’s when you know you’ve got a problem.”

jimmy kimmel

“You can hear all about it on JLo’s new track, ‘Love Don’t Cost a Thing, But That Joke Might Cost You Buck’s County.'”

stephen colbert

“Trump made such a mess with Puerto Ricans that they’re now throwing paper towels at him.”

jimmy kimmel

[On one description of the disastrous set] “‘Extremely vile so-called jokes?’ She name-checked my comedy album from the 90’s.”

jon stewart (who also suggested that he finds the little creep in question funny, bafflingly)

Apartheid Boy Goes to MSG

Another former illegal immigrant made his “I got mine, now screw you” message to Trump’s hate party, as Elon Musk strode out to the Madison Square Garden podium in a new black baseball cap (with aforementioned Hitler font) proclaiming him “Dark Gothic MAGA.” As cringe as that was, Musk’s signature offputting schtick was even more so, with him outpacing his infamously mocked little leap in support of Donald Trump with a series of yelps, cheers, and cringe-worthy attempts to rouse the the crowd in a “U.S.A.” chant.

Again, is mocking a terminally awkward billionaire’s inability to act like a real human boy in public a low blow? Well, Musk is currently under investigation for an illegal vote-buying scheme in support of a literal fascist would-be dictator hell bent on turning America into a Russian-style kleptocratic hate-state, so screw that guy.

And let the jokes… commence.

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[On the whole Dark Gothic MAGA thing] “Oh my God, it’s looks like someone’s trying to get their own Magic the Gathering card.”

seth meyers

“I’m not trying to be difficult here but is the difference between MAGA and Dark Gothic MAGA the hat being black? Is that why you’re pointing at the hat? No one’s ever cool pointing at a hat. ‘Uh, I think you’ll find I am World’s Number One Grandpa.'”

seth meyers

“You know he’s just so likable, that’s the thing. And so lifelike. You’d never know he’s made of discarded vibrator parts.”

jimmy kimmel

“And look, I know even if that guy loses 99.9 percent of his wealth he’ll still be richer than me. And I appreciate that he is trying to do that. But does he have to be so tragically lame. If I had as much money as this guy, I’d spend it doing awesome sh*t like buying a sports team or a super-yacht or new vintage Nintendo that I didn’t have to blow on all the time. Yeah kids, we used to blow on our video games, f**k you!”

seth meyers

[On Musk’s effortful little whoop] “Sounds like a sick Wookie. You’ve got to be careful. RFK Jr. was there, dude, and if he hears that scream he’s gonna think you’re a dying bear cub and throw you in the back of his weird van.”

seth meyers

***ker Carlson, Everybody

Speaking of offputting little dweebs, disgraced and barely employed former Fox News figure Tucker Carlson was also on the roster. Coming out to double down on his all-too-revealing public fantasizing about Donald Trump spanking all who oppose him like a big, strong daddy figure, Carlson—Musk-esque Joker laugh in tow—went on his usual rants about how everybody except straight, white, perpetually confused-looking males are inferior. You know, despite the sight and sound of Tucker Carlson inevitably creeping everybody the hell out.

“I will never not be charmed by his girlish laugh.” 

jon stewart

“I think Tucker’s just jealous of Kamala because he’s whiter than a polar bear watching Frasier on a sailboat eating a tub of mayo.”

seth meyers

“By the way, even if she doesn’t get 85 million votes, you’re still a freak. Even if Trump wins it wouldn’t magically erase the fact that you called Trump an angry dad who’s gonna spank his enemies and tell them they’ve been a bad girl and that you once told the entire world you wanted to have sex with a piece of candy. Trump could win by 400 electoral votes next week but the longest section on Tucker’s Wikipedia will still be called ‘Allegations of candy f**king.'”

seth meyers

[After showing previous statements where Carlson called Trump “a demonic force” and “a destroyer” before concluding “I hate that guy”] “That’s how life goes when you’re born with a bow tie instead of a spine.” 

jimmy kimmel

Will Hate for Food

Disgraced and disbarred former Trump attorney and New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani also crawled out from his now-repossessed crypt to slavishly lick the boots of the guy who hung him out to dry after Rudy’s efforts to steal the 2020 election for Trump went down in flames. On a week where Giuliani had to liquidate literally everything he owns to pay damages to the two innocent campaign workers he defamed as part of said treasonous plot against democracy, this was even worse.

“Then it was off to the racists, with over four hours of MAGA speakers before Trump shambled on stage. Including, among the speakers, disgraced and discarded former Mayor of New York Rudy Giuliani. Who shared his message of, ‘Can I sleep here?'”

stephen colbert

“Rudy Giuliani wasn’t actually invited. Ever since he lost his apartment he just lives at Madison Square Garden.”

jimmy fallon

[On the 80-year-old Giuliani ranting about Trump bringing God back to… something] “Don’t worry, as far as God goes I think you’re going to be seeing him pretty soon.” 

jimmy kimmel

Remember me? The World’s Worst Lawyer?

Former Trump attorney who lost literally every time she got within 1000 feet of a courtroom Alina Habba was also there, emerging doing something like a dance to a presumably unlicensed entrance theme of “All I Do Is Win.”

“The choice of song, ‘All I Do Is Win Win Win,’ she represented him in court, he lost. He had to pay 83 million dollars. She wins cases the same way he wins elections—not.”

jimmy kimmel

Remember me? The World’s Worst Therapist?

Dr. Phil McGraw also tossed his support behind the man he once called “a dangerous narcissist” when he wasn’t sucking up to said narcissist at a Nazi rally. That quote, by the way, came from a not-that-long-ago appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live, something Kimmel relished in tossing back in McGraw’s mustache.

[On McGraw (a celebrity) telling the MSG crown not to trust celebrities] “Agreed, so then let’s not elect one for President, okay? He does realize he’s endorsing Donald Trump, right? From The CelebrityThe Celebrity Apprentice.” 

jimmy kimmel

Strays

“All the stars of the Turd Reich were there.”

jimmy kimmel

“Now that’s a lineup that you usually see outside of Madison Square Garden, yelling at strangers as they try to get inside Madison Square Garden.” 

jon stewart

“It was like when all the villains team up to poison Gotham City’s water supply.”

jimmy kimmel

What All the Führer Was About

Then, after four stultifying hours of unrelenting, red-faced hate speech, it was time for the main event—a beyond-listless, orange-smeared, doddering old racist/rapist who delivered his usual stump speech of ugly bigotry, heedless lies, and out-and-proud totalitarianism to a crowd already brimming with swallowed bile and hatred.

As a closing message it was a preview of what a second Trump term would look like: Rambling, incoherent hate speech promising retribution and violence to all who dare oppose him. Stephen Colbert, channeling the wearied souls of anyone not all-in on Republicans’ embrace of anti-American fascism and division, cut away from any montage of Trump’s speech, playing instead an inexplicable old clip of a Russian a cappella group doing weird tongue-singing. Relishing in the audience’s relieved laughter, Colbert capped off his monologue by noting, “Those guys make more sense than Donald Trump, and are less pro-Russian.”

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[On Trump’s threat to enact his massive, sweeping deportation scheme on “day one”] “Day one? Have a snack, meet the staff. Day one is generally we just read the syllabus. There’s no homework.”

jon stewart

“He’s the human equivalent of that groggy feeling you get when you drink too much too fast at brunch and you go home and pass out on the couch and then you wake up a few hours later and it’s dark outside and you don’t know what time it is and your roommate flips on the lights and you say, [clip of Trump at a rally screaming] ‘No, get those lights off! Off!'”

seth meyers

“Trump’s rally was described and unhinged, crude, and racist. As opposed to the stable, polite, and tolerant Trump rallies we’re accustomed to.” 

jimmy fallon

“Trump heard as was like, You could have just said ‘on-brand.'”

jimmy fallon

[On Trump’s continued threat to use the archaic act used to imprison Japanese and German U.S. citizens in WWII] “Who the f**k told Donald Trump about the Alien Enemies Act of 1798? ‘Cause I’m gonna bet you something, he did not come to the meeting and go, ‘Hey, why don’t we use the 1798 Alien Enemies Act, would that apply?'”

jon stewart

[On Trump brushing aside the inevitable arrest and deportation of U.S. citizens in his brutally wide-reaching deportation plan by saying, “It wouldn’t be the worst thing”] “Because it’s the worst thing that ever happened to them. The American citizens you mistakenly deport. And yet Trump is like, ‘And that makes me the bad guy?'” 

jon stewart

[On Trump warning the crowd that Kamala Harris would draft them all to fight in various wars] “Oh no. I guess I’d better get a letter from my wealthy father’s podiatrist saying I have bone spurs again. You’d think a guy who dodged the draft would avoid ever saying the word draft in public. You’d think he’d be like, ‘Would you close the window? There’s a dr—a breeze in here.'” 

jimmy kimmel

[After Trump once more called anyone who doesn’t vote for him “the enemy within”] “If that isn’t fascism, what is. I mean what do you have to do to get branded a fascist by the GOP? I don’t know, get caught praising Hitler? Oh sh*t, right.” 

seth meyers

[On the GOP sycophants inevitably complaining that we’re repeating back the heinous things Trump actually said] “You’re right, why hold former Presidents to what they say they’re going to do from their mouth-holes?” 

jon stewart

“Hey MAGA fans, putting aside the rhetoric and just on a pure entertainment level, this is what you waited hours to see? The world’s most tired criminal, a sundowning Frankenstein sleepily burping out fascist threats about ending democracy and an aging wrestler trying to rip off his shirt like a dog trying to get out of his surgery cone?”

seth meyers

“Aw, that makes sense. We’re only deporting people who’ve come here illegally. Or people who have come here legally, but sneaky-legally. Or people who have children who are actually citizens. Or some people who look like they may have come here illegally. Or people that have protested the war in Gaza. Or a special prosecutor Trump doesn’t like, like Jack Smith. Which by the way, name a more American name than Jack f**king Smith. Where are you gonna deport him to Faneuil Hall in Boston?”

jon stewart

“Or maybe we’re just going to be deporting the people that always ‘bring wretchedness and want.’ Oh I’m sorry, that’s how we described the Irish in 1832. Or maybe we’re just going to deport people whose race has ‘a certain kind of criminality.’ Oh, I’m sorry, that was the Italians in 1911. The point is, every one of these groups was at a place and time on the wrong side of not being American enough. And right now you think you’re safe because the groups Trump is talking about, it’s not you. As if, ‘Are you sure this isn’t my wife?’ Donald Trump can tell the f**king difference or even cares. That the day one implication of the 1798 law that was last used to intern Japanese and German citizens in World War II will be a fine-toothed comb.” 

jon stewart

Democracy Dies In Cowardice

In the one-week run-up to the most pivotal and telling American election in history, thank goodness we can count on our brave free press to laugh in the face of Donald Trump’s demonization and his MAGA minions’ thuggish threats and defiantly denounce one candidate promising to literally end democracy and another valiantly fighting to restore some sense of sanity and hope to a beleaguered and battered nation.

Oh, wait, two of the largest and most influential newspapers in the country, The Washington Post and the Los Angeles Times, have refused to issue any presidential endorsement at all this year. And while the word-salad excuses about journalistic integrity and impartiality of the sacred newsroom might convince a remedial civics class, the fact is that both of the opinion sections of those august institutions had already prepared their endorsements of Kamala Harris before their billionaire owners Jeff Bezos and Patrick Soon-Shiong (both of whom boast lucrative professional and personal relationships with Donald Trump) ordered the already written Harris endorsements to be yanked at the last minute.

The transparently plutocrat-mandated neutrality has sent shockwaves through an electorate suddenly shocked they can still be shocked by this point in an election cycle where big money donors routinely flout the public good to pad their bank accounts and pave the way for a Trump administration’s promised quid pro quo tax breaks and deregulation. Loyal subscribers to both papers have cancelled in droves, actual journalists have resigned in disgust, while righteously pissed-off consumers are threatening to ditch Bezos’s ubiquitous Amazon this holiday season in favor of shopping at some of those mom-and-pop stores Amazon hasn’t yet driven into bankruptcy. All in all, Stephen Colbert noted of the Bezos-ruled Post, “Explains why they changed their slogan from ‘Democracy Dies in Darkness’ to ‘Democracy Dies or It Doesn’t. We Can’t Tell—It’s So Dark in Here!'”

WaPo’s opinion editor said of the decision, ‘The Post was no longer going to tell people how to vote, a posture that would reflect the paper’s independent bona fides.’ Okay, counterpoint-You’re the opinion editor! Your whole job is to have an opinion on about important stuff like this! That would be like a movie critic writing, ‘I give Megalopolis thumbs. To say how many or which direction they’re pointing would ruin my independent bona fides. Adam Driver gives a performance.'” 

stephen colbert

“What’s extra sinister about this is that the paper had an endorsement for Harris written and ready to go. But at the last minute, it apparently got yanked by the paper’s owner, Amazon founder Jeff Bezos. Well that’s it, I am going to shred my collection of Washington Posts. [Takes out phone] Okay, Amazon.com… and ooo, paper shredders! And two-day shipping. And you know, I do need refills on the Nespresso…”

stephen colbert

“Turns out refusing to express an opinion on a looming fascist regime is pretty unpopular among newspaper subscribers. Because as of this taping, 200,000 people have cancelled their digital subscriptions to the Washington Post. 200,000 gone. 200,000! You can’t lose those kind of people. If this keeps up, it could destroy the Washington Post. Now is that a good thing or a bad thing? I have no opinion.”

stephen colbert

Last Call for Democracy

Just seven days, people.

Late-night hosts have some thoughts.

“We are one week from an election in which Americans will learn a lot about ourselves as a country. We’ll be standing in front of the full-length mirror of democracy, buck naked. And we’re gonna get an eyeful of just how far we’ve let ourselves go.” 

stephen colbert

“Election Day is just a week away and a new report found that Americans are changing their vacation plans due to election anxiety. Yup, people are waiting until after the election so they know whether they’re buying a round-trip or a one-way.”

jimmy fallon

[On Kamala Harris asserting that Gen Z women are facing a country with fewer rights than their mothers and grandmothers] “Yeah it’s not right. And you know grandmas’ just gonna rub it in. ‘We didn’t just have reproductive rights. Houses were $15 dollars, smoking made you live longer, and instead of dating apps I just married the first sailor who bought me a gin rickey.'” 

stephen colbert

[On the excitement for the World Series] “It was nice to see people united, especially because we are one week away from finding out which members of our family won’t be invited to Thanksgiving dinner.” 

jimmy kimmel

Hope From an Old Friend

Some people thought that the talented and irrepressible Jessica Williams was going to get the Daily Show gig after Jon Stewart left (the first time). Well, Williams made a surprise appearance alongside Stewart on Monday’s show to bring some much-needed encouragement.

“Look Jon, I know you’re exhausted. Hell, I’m exhausted. Everyone’s exhausted. Anger and disappointment in our political discourse is exhausting. But it’s easy to throw up our hands and be like, ‘Fine, f**k it. I’m tired. Go ahead and take people’s rights, I’m just gonna plow through a case of Trulys and binge 52 episodes of Love Island.’ Oh you wanna know what those are? Truly’s a hard seltzer and Love Island is like Gilligan’s Island with f**king.  I just wanna be clear, okay? Do not let them exhaust you. Don’t let the constant, draining bullsh*t wear you out. Do not turn away. Look it right down that barrel and say, ‘Not today apathy. I’m only having half a case of Trulys and no matter what happens, we have to throw our arms around the people who need us the most and hang the f**k on.'” 

jessica williams

Potpourri

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“A famous British dairy company was just robbed of more than 24 tons of artisanal cheese. The suspects are considered to be armed, dangerous, and a little precious about their mustache.” 

jimmy fallon

[On Eric Trump’s repeated assertion that people constantly hug him in hopes that his father will be reelected] “Look, I want to give Eric a little wiggle room here. Because I’ve got to imagine when Donald Trump is your dad, your early years are a real Sahara Desert in the hugs department.” 

seth meyers

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