Missed Thursday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
The Scariest Time of the Year—and Also Halloween
Yes, it’s that quadrennial confluence when Halloween coincides with the final, feverish days of a presidential campaign. Adding to the two-for-one terror this time around is the looming threat that a literal fascist is essentially neck-and-neck with a woman looking to continue the period of relative stability and prosperity we’ve enjoyed since Donald “I’m Awaiting Sentencing for 34 Felony Counts” Trump was unceremoniously kicked to the curb after throwing a violent little trick-or-treat sedition party.
Nerves are getting frayed, bowels are getting clenched, and political signs are being defaced, swiped, and booby-trapped like the world’s most petty prank war to decide whether or not American will become a Russian-style racist kleptocracy headed by a sundowning french fry cook who takes thumbs-up pictures with every dictator in the world like he’s collecting selfies at the international We Love Hitler convention. Like the rest of us being inundated with shrill, shrieking campaign ads every time we make the mistake of turning on our TVs or opening our laptops, late-night hosts have had enough. Sadly, like the rest of us, their lives have become a never-ending doom-scroll, so on with the jokes.
“I spent a weekend in Pennsylvania recently and every single commercial break it was Kamala-Trump, Kamala-Trump and on and on. I actually wept tears of joy when a Kars 4 Kids ad came on, and then one of those kids said, ‘Kamala Harris wants to turn me trans’ and then I realized it was just another campaign ad, Jesus Christ.”
michael kosta
“That’s right, Halloween and the election are almost here so whether it’s trick-or-treaters or campaign workers, when that doorbell rings you hit the lights and pretend you’re not home.
jimmy fallon
[On reports of physical medical conditions being caused and exacerbated by the never-ending stress of the campaign season] “Irritable bowel syndrome? This election is so scary Americans are literally sh*tting themselves.”
michael kosta
“So in eleven days, we all get to find out finally whether we all live in a fascist country. I’m not saying that’s a good feeling, but definitely the feeling.”
stephen colbert
“During last night’s CNN town hall, Kamala Harris said she prays daily. While the rest of us have bumped it up to hourly.”
seth meyers
“Ladies and gentlemen, it is late October. You know, they call it the spooky season. Soon all the ghastly ghouls will be roaming the streets of New York, ‘cause on Sunday, Donald Trump will hold a rally at Madison Square Garden.”
stephen colbert
“Yeah, just what New Yorkers need, more garbage around Penn Station.”
stephen colbert
“I’m sure that it’s just a coincidence that in 1939 they held a pro-Nazi rally there. Yeah, it was a stain on MSG’s history and I imagine a very uncomfortable courtside seat for Spike Lee.”
stephen colbert
[On Trump’s odd choice to hold a rally in a state where he’s trailing by 19 points] “Trailing by 19 points, or as the New York Jets say, ‘Not bad.'”
stephen colbert
“‘They told me I’m behind in Wisconsin, so I’m rallying in Madison… Square Garden. No, it works. After that, I’ll hit Philadelphia… Cream Cheese.'”
stephen colbert
“[On Harris’ late push for undecided voters] “Though I think talking to voters who are undecided at this point Is like watching a movie with your mom. ‘Wait, who’s that lady? Are we supposed to know her? Who’s that guy? I thought he died in that car accident.'”
seth meyers
[On news reports and viral videos of people caught stealing yard signs] “Are we really stealing signs now? You know that person can still vote. It’s not like if you take the sign off their lawn they’ll be like, ‘Huh, I forgot who to vote for. What’s that sign say, deer crossing? I guess I’ll vote for deer crossing.'”
michael kosta
[On one of those viral videos in which a Harris supporter used GPS to track down a teen who’d stolen some 60 Harris signs, only for his mommy to get aggressive] “You’re giving them attitude for the stuff your son stole? That’s the law and order party for you. ‘No see, when we commit crimes it’s funny, okay?'”
michael kosta
[On a UPS driver caught on camera placing tiny, cocktail-sized Trump flags on customers’ property] “Aw, Make America Cute Again. Seriously, you call that a MAGA flag? Good luck beating a police officer unconscious with that.”
michael kosta
The Only Thing Necessary for the Triumph of Evil Is for Republicans to Say ‘No Biggie’
Man, those late-night comedians just won’t let go of the whole “Donald Trump is a Hitler-loving wannabe dictator” thing, huh? A whole day after much of the mainstream media has moved on to the latest shiny, distracting idiocy to dribble out of Trump’s mouth, hosts still had some stuff to say about Trump’s former Chief of Staff calling Trump a literal fascist and revealing that Trump backed up his public praise of dictatorial world leaders with private praise of Adolph-f**king-Hitler and his habit of surrounding himself with enabling yes-man military types.
With just days until the election, and Donald Trump running neck-and-neck with Kamala Harris, several hosts appeared to be suggesting that the prospect of a Nazi-loving jackass who tried to literally overthrow American democracy should at least be a two-day news item. Meanwhile, Republicans everywhere stuck by their wannabe führer, laughing off the very idea that the GOP has any moral backbone whatsoever when power is on the ticket.
“Anyway, here’s a sentence no one ever wants to say—Back to the Hitler story!”
seth meyers
“The big news continues to be that Trump’s former Chief of Staff John Kelly said that Trump is a fascist who loves Hitler. Well at least he’s not a fascist who loves Hitler—what’s that? I’m sorry, hold on a second, I’m being told that’s exactly what I just read out loud but my brain refused to receive the sounds my mouth was making. Okay, got it.”
stephen colbert
“The political world is still reeling from reports that Trump repeatedly praised Hitler and Hitler’s generals. [Turns to camera two] I know when I say ‘reeling,’ no one’s actually reeling. They’re mostly just shrugging because we live in a nightmare world where this has somehow become normal and everyone just goes about their day knowing that the most powerful person on earth could once again be the one who thinks Hitler was cool. Because it’s just another piece of content we all scroll past on our magic little distraction boxes between cooking trends and TikTok dances and dogs wearing sunglasses. [Photo of French bulldog in sunglasses with word bubble reading Raise the woof!] But come on! Look at this guy he’s so cute, he’s wearing aviators just like a person and it’s funny because they’re almost as big as his head and it looks like he’s at a pool party instead of ‘Raise the woof!’ And I’m gonna send this to my family group chat and, wait a second what was I talking about? Oh yeah, Trump…praising… Hitler. F**k!”
seth meyers
[After a news clip segueing from the fact that the GOP candidate for president loves Hitler to news about Eminem stumping for Kamala Harris] “No, you can’t follow up a story as insane as ‘presidential candidate praises Hitler’ with fun wordplay about Eminem. If the first story is the next president could be a Hitler lover, then just, you know, don’t have a second story. That’s enough to fill an hour. What are you gonna do if a world war breaks out? ‘A nuclear exchange has begun between the world’s major powers threatening to end life on Earth as we know it. And hi, my name is—what?—my name is—who?—my name is Ling-Ling, the newest panda at the National Zoo.'”
seth meyers
“And look, I get it can be tough to cover something like this because, as with all Trump revelations, it’s both shocking and not at all surprising. So we’re left in this weird middle ground where you’re left reporting something that everybody basically knows already but it’s also insane. It’s like going through a haunted house with a group of friends who used to work there. ‘You guys! A zombie with a chainsaw just popped out from behind that broken mirror!’ ‘Oh yeah, that’s Scott—what’s up Scott? New chainsaw? Dope.'”
seth meyers
“Plus, guys, a lot of crazy sh*t’s happening. This week alone, so much is happening we didn’t even have time to talk about the Department of Justice warning Elon Musk that his million dollar giveaway to voters in swing states could be illegal, or Rudy Giuliani being told to hand over his possessions, including his watches, Yankee memorabilia, and his Manhattan apartment to the two Georgia election workers he defamed. That story made us so happy but we had not time for it. Do you know how it pains us not to talk about Rudy when something hilarious happens to him?”
seth meyers
“Vice President Harris yesterday criticized former President Trump over reports that he has repeatedly praised Adolph Hitler in private. And if you think that’s bad you should hear some of the stuff he says in public.”
seth meyers
[On Trump’s specific praise of Chinese dictator Xi Jinping] “Why do you keep calling him ‘fierce’ like you’re judging him on an episode of Project Runway? ‘And I went to China and I met with President Xi, and I looked him right in the eye, and I said to him, ‘Make it work.'”
seth meyers
“Trump’s repeatedly and openly praised dictators as brilliant for ruling with an iron fist and, let me just say, ruling with an iron fist doesn’t make you brilliant. That’s easy. You know what’s hard? Navigating a messy, complicated pluralistic democracy with 50 states, 435 congressional districts, 15 executive departments, 13 appellate courts, three branches of government, two chambers of congress and one really [expletive] fry cook.”
seth meyers
[On New Hampshire Republican Governor scoffing that Donald Trump saying he admires Hitler is just “baked in” to the choice to support Trump] “Republicans are already dismissing it as less of a blockbuster and more of a ‘Who cares, buster?'”
seth meyers
“His love of Adolph Hitler is baked in? That’s like saying, ‘Look, that dead rat is baked into this loaf of sourdough. What are you gonna do, go all the way back to the bakery?’ If it’s baked in then don’t eat the thing it’s baked into.”
seth meyers
“This is not a complicated story. Trump is a fascist who likes other fascists and wants to emulate fascism. If you’re shrugging that off as baked in then you’re just saying you’re okay with fascism. If you’re still supporting Trump, just admit it, you think fascism’s cool, it’s awesome, it’s [clip of Trump saying ‘fierce’].”
seth meyers
[After playing John Kelly’s extended quote explaining exactly why Donald Trump is a fascist] “And if all those words are too much for you, you could also just look at a single picture of Trump’s face when he’s with someone like Vladimir Putin or Kim Jong Un, or Hungarian Prime Minister Viktor Orbán. Just for comparison, here he is next to democratically elected Angela Merkel. [Picture of a glum Trump sitting beside Merkel] ‘When they said the German Chancellor was coming, you are not what I was expecting.'”
seth meyers
Meanwhile, in Non-Hitler Endorsements
Kamala Harris continues to rack up big name support from people who don’ t think electing an old bigot is great for the country. Former President Obama! Bruce Springsteen! Eminem! Tyler Perry! Science nerds! That lady who sang “Single Ladies!” They’re all hitting the trail for the one 2024 presidential candidate who isn’t drooling at the chance to turn America into a right-wing, dystopian hellscape of hatred and division. So naturally, the race is all but tied.
[On Beyoncés upcoming appearance supporting Harris in Texas] “Wooo, talk about a get! The last time Beyoncé appeared on stage with a presidential candidate was Hillary in 2016, so things are looking good!”
michael kosta
“What a night: the most powerful woman in the world, and Kamala Harris.”
jimmy fallon
“That’s right, Beyoncé will sing ‘Irreplaceable,’ and Biden will be like, ‘Too soon.'”
jimmy fallon
“Yep, Harris is rallying with Beyoncé while Trump will be onstage claiming migrants are eating Snoop Dogg and Doja Cat.”
jimmy fallon
[On the upcoming Harris rally featuring Obama and Springsteen] “That’s gonna be a hot concert, baby. They’re gonna sing a duet on the Springsteen classic, ‘Born to Run, But I’ve Already Had Two Terms.'”
stephen colbert
“Tonight’s rally featured Obama, Springsteen, Spike Lee, Samuel L. Jackson, and Tyler Perry. Or they were all just Tyler Perry.”
jimmy fallon
“Today Harris got a big thumbs-up from 82 American Nobel Prize winners endorsing Harris, writing, ‘This is the most consequential presidential election in a long time, perhaps ever, for the future of science.’ So no big deal, but the smartest people on Earth fear for the end of science. And I for one would miss everything that science has given us, from germ theory to the light bulb to the Smuckers Uncrustable.”
stephen colbert
“As Charles Darwin might say, ‘Trump might win? Screw it, I’m going back to being a monkey. Ooh ooh. Ah Ah.'”
stephen colbert
“This group has some heavy hitters in the brain department, vaccine developer Drew Weissman, economist Claudia Goldin, and one prominent scientist even released this fiery statement: [Picture of Muppet Beaker] ‘Mee-mee mee-mee mee-mee-mee mee, Jeffrey Epstein.'”
stephen colbert
Big Brother—More Like Give It To Me, Big Daddy
Can you believe that former Fox News host and, as Stephen Colbert termed him “formerly relevant TV dweeb” Tucker Carlson had never spoken at a political campaign event before he turned up at Donald Trump’s Georgia campaign rally on Wednesday?
Oh, right, everyone in the world can believe that, since Carlson—they guy fired for being too much of a racist conspiracy kook for Fox News—kicked off his introduction of Trump by engaging in a revealingly creepy extended rant about America being alike a disobedient teenage girl who needs “daddy” to spank her into submission.
Yeah, ew. Now it’s no secret that right-wingers hate women, especially mouthy women who go on and on about how they’re human beings with the right to control their own bodies, aren’t brood mares for the patriarchy, and have the temerity to run for President. (Certainly the fact that Trump is being challenged by a strong, vocal, take-no-crap woman had nothing to do with Carlson’s sweaty tale of putting a woman in her place through sexualized violence.)
But Carlson’s long, detailed, and porn-y bout of public slash fiction really brought home the contempt that lurks right under the pasty flesh of the average right-wing misogynist nutcase. As Stephen Colbert mused after the squirmy Carlson clip, “I just can’t figure out why they’re having trouble appealing to female voters.”
[On Carlson’s pre-rant cackle] “Hey, I don’t want to be a hater. He’s excited for his first political rally. It seems like a personally reasonable time to laugh like a villain in an old timey movie who tied a woman to the railroad tracks.”
michael kosta
“Not to fact-check you there, Tuck, but we know from Stormy Daniels that daddy’s the one who likes to get spanked.”
stephen colbert
“This might be why you’ve never been invited to speak at a political rally before. You see, America, these people are not weird. They just know that Trump is a big strong daddy who’s coming home to spank us all, totally normal stuff.”
michael kosta
[After Carlson’s alarmingly detailed fantasies of disrespectful young women being violently spanked back into submissiveness by a stern daddy figure] “Everything at home okay, Tuck? ‘If you allow your teenagers to wait ’til you fall asleep on the couch and then draw a penis on your forehead with a Sharpie and when you ask ‘Who did this?,’ they just laugh and say, ‘Oh my God, the penis just got a vein in it because dad is so angry.’ And if you say, ‘There will be consequences,’ and then you fall and bang your actual penis on the corner of the coffee table because they tied your shoes together, and you’re so startled you let out a big fart and then your wife starts laughing too, and then they post it all online and now you’re going viral as #PenisFartDad, I’m telling you, I’m telling you, you’re gonna get more of it.'”
stephen colbert
“I can’t wait to hear Tucker’s thoughts on the economy. ‘Inflation is like a babysitter, and she’s been naughty.'”
michael kosta
“I gotta say that was an upsetting little monologue. Daddy’s punishing little girls? I’m guessing when Tucker wrote that, he was vigorously spanking something.”
stephen colbert
“Wow, I guess for my part I’m just glad he’s standing behind a podium. Most people just clear their browser history, they don’t put it in their speeches.”
seth meyers
Potpourri
“This week Venom: The Last Dance hits theaters. I’m excited although I hope it stays true to the Jane Austen novel it’s based on.”
jimmy fallon
“A woman in Bangladesh recently set the Guinness world record for most grains of rice eaten one at a time with chopsticks. ‘Cool,’ said the couple waiting for the table.”
seth meyers
“American Airlines is testing a new technology to stop passengers from boarding early. Meanwhile Spirit is like, ‘Weird, we don’t have that problem.'”
jimmy fallon
“American Airlines has begun testing a new boarding system, while Frontier is sticking with knife fights.”
seth meyers
“Former President Trump reportedly met with Fox News owner Rupert Murdoch and asked that the network go easier on him. Easier, how could they be any easier? Bravo is tougher on Andy Cohen.”
seth meyers
“While speaking last night at a rally in Georgia, former President Trump told his supporters that they have no idea what he did in the White House and said, ‘I stopped wars with France.’ Though I think that’s the kind of stuff they had to tell him to get him to sign papers.”
seth meyers
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