Weds Night Monologues: Trump Hawks Coins, Squawks at Colbert

Missed Wednesday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.

I Cherish Old What’s His Name

While it’s no real shocker when a right-wing Republican with a fetish for demonizing the LGBTQ+ community is revealed to harbor secret sexual fetishes for that same community, the outing as a serial porn site commenter and luster after all things trans Mark Robinson has put mainstream Republicans in a real pickle. After all, the outspoken Robinson was a rising GOP star, hand-endorsed by Donald Trump and given a prime RNC speaking slot to rail against immigrants, gays, women, liberals, and all the other PornHub sub-categories he has surreptitiously bookmarked.

But now hat Robinson’s squirmy internet double life is a national joke, Republican politicians are pretending they’ve never heard of “this Robinson guy,” which is what professional sycophant Lindsey Graham called the North Carolina gubernatorial candidate this week. You know, despite [cue Seth Meyers montage] Donald Trump publicly praising Robinson as “Martin Luther King on steroids,” embracing Robinson on stage, and gushing effusively about how much he “cherishes” the guy who called the Holocaust “hogwash,” said political opponents “need killing,” pined for the days women couldn’t vote, and said he just wished slavery were still around so he could own some people. The thing is that only one of those abhorrent statements comes from this week’s career-ending internet porn scoop, and the GOP had been all-in on Mark Robinson’s “one of the good ones” self-hating schtick. Publicly. As Meyers put it while watching Graham and others try to Jedi mind trick news viewers into forgetting just how excited Donald Trump was to have a real, live Black conservative with him on the campaign trail, “Yeah, Trump had nothing to do with ‘the Robinson guy’—who he cherishes! ‘Oh, I cherish a lot of, mostly strangers.'”

[Revisiting Trump calling Robinsons “MLK times two”] “He’s really, truly amazing. Everyone agrees that Martin Luther King is a great person, but only Trump would say, ‘I know someone twice as good! Every night he has two dreams!”
seth meyers

[And on Trump’s “MLK on steroids” line] “Also, it’s not 1995. We all agree steroids are bad now, right? I mean, in this hypothetical, is MLK like a strong, ‘roided-out MLK, an aggro MLK who loses it when someone coughs during his speech. ‘Hey, shut the f**k up! Shut the f**k up, I’m Martin Luther King, I’m talking about my dreams!'”
seth meyers

[On candidate Robinson’s suddenly empty events calendar] “That’s right, Robinson was scheduled to appear at a fundraiser for the Trump campaign, a get out the vote rally, and a seminar called How to Hide Your Identity Online.”
seth meyers

“My favorite detail from this report is that Robinson used the same user name on a porn website and Pinterest. ‘We confirmed that it is indeed Mark Robinson, because after he posted on Nude Africa, he pinned some very tasteful candlesticks. Although he did post under those, ‘These candlesticks are a steal or I’m not a Black Nazi!!!'”
seth meyers

[As Trump defender Lindsey Graham] “‘They’re tryin’ to pretend that Trump’s involved with the Robinson guy just like my Mee-Maw’s always tryin’ to pretend she’s involved with the neighborhood watch program. They don’t want you on patrol with ya, Mee-Maw! Your orthopedic shoes make too much noise! You haven’t caught a burglar in nine years!'”
seth meyers

[On Graham, with a straight face, claiming Trump had nothing to do with Mark Robinson] “That is, nothing to do with him except taking pictures with him, appearing on stage with him, endorsing him, giving him a key speaking slot at the Republican National Convention, and calling him Martin Luther King times two. I’d call Lindsey Graham a liar but he’d never tell a lie. He’s like George Washington times ten. He’s like George Washington on crack. ‘We gotta get to the other side of this river!'”
seth meyers

Would You Like Fries With Your Conspiracy?

The late-game replacement of President Biden with Vice President Harris has really put the zap on Donald Trump’s head. Apart from Kamala Harris decimating him during their first (and as it turns out, only) televised debate, Harris’ long history of public service, prosecutor’s rhetorical acumen, and general competence and willingness to go on the attack have Trump and his GOP allies scrambling for talking points.

Apart from the predictable (attacking Harris for being a woman, bi-racial, and a bi-racial woman), and the deeply misogynist and weird (“How dare she not have kids!”), the most recent—and sweatiest— spin is that Harris did not work at a fast food chain in her teens. Yeah, that’s all they’ve got. Harris, who grew up having to, you know, get jobs like most of America whose daddy didn’t leave them a fortune to squander through multiple bankruptcies and legal fines, once slung burgers at McDonald’s. “Or so she says!,” Trump continues to imply, noting as his smoking gun that Harris, not once, ever listed her time in the greasy polyester uniform on any of her resumes—not even the ones when she was applying to become district attorney! Hands up from everyone who thought that their time working the fryolator wasn’t especially relevant when applying for executive positions. As The Daily Show‘s Desi Lydic put it regarding Trump’s newest baseless conspiracy theory about a qualified Black presidential candidate, “And yes, it is ridiculous that Trump is asking to see Harris’ burger certificate.”

“So Trump’s new conspiracy theory is that Kamala Harris never worked at McDonald’s when she was young. Which to him is basically stolen valor. ‘How dare you disrespect our men and women in uniform! Those people served with honor, and with extra ketchup packets if you asked!'”
desi lydic

“He really should just be running for Mayor McCheese, you know?”
jimmy kimmel

[After Trump segued from accusing Harris to boasting about his plans to go to McDonald’s in the coming weeks] “Did Trump just talk himself into getting hungry? ‘She never worked over the piping hot fries, so crispy and salty, each bite a perf—we should go to McDonald’s!'”
desi lydic

“This isn’t the kind of thing you would lie about. It isn’t like having sex with a porn star while your wife is pregnant.”
desi lydic

“Look, I get why he’s suspicious. If she’d ever worked at any McDonald’s between the years 1960 and last week, he probably would have seen her.”
desi lydic

When You Come at the King of Late-Night, You Best Not Miss

For the second time this week, Donald Trump has taken his thin skin to social media to make fun of Trump-critical late-night comedians who do that sort of thing for a living. This time it was The Late Show‘s Stephen Colbert, who was on the receiving end of some feeble late-night Trump thumb-lashing, with the too-busy-to-debate presidential candidate seizing upon Colbert’s recent PBS interview and calling the 10-time Emmy Award winner “boring,” “not wise,” and “a total loser,” among other uncreative zingers. Naturally, Colbert was unfazed—and prepared.

“Now our self-imposed mandate here at The Late Show is to talk about what’s going on in the news, okay. And I don’t really like to insert myself into it. But sometimes the news inserts itself into me.”
stephen colbert

[Re: “total loser”] “Wow. In the middle of a hotly contested presidential campaign you took the time to hate-watch me on PBS? First of all [removes glasses coquettishly], I’m flattered, thank you. But more importantly, you shouldn’t be hate-watching me on PBS, you should be hate-watching me on CBS. Daddy wants the views!”
stephen colbert

[Re: “not wise”] [Cut to Colbert sporting white beard and smoking a pipe] “Not wise? How dare you sir! May I remind you of the immortal words of Socrates, ‘Kiss my salty man-bag you crusty old dingus.'”
stephen colbert

[Re: “very boring”] “He’s clearly upset because I called him boring. And I called him boring because I knew it would upset him. Which I did because he’s so predictable. Which is ultimately what makes him… kind of boring.”
stephen colbert

No Debate, Some Excuses

Donald Trump has finally come right out and said that he’s terrified of being made to look, again, like a big, babbling, unprepared, lazy, hate-spewing ninny on national television. Okay, the GOP candidate for President didn’t use those words, but after once boasting he’d debate President Biden “anytime, anywhere, anyplace” the thought of facing Kamala Harris one more time in the 40 days before the election has Trump scrambling in his overstuffed excuse fanny pack.

The latest excuse is that it’s too late to debate since early voting has begun. Now, apart from the fact that he debated Biden in 2020 as late as October 22nd, and the fact that Trump is now using early voting as an excuse when he’s repeatedly claimed that he hates the practice, this whole thing just makes Trump’s humiliating defeat in the first debate fresh in everybody’s mind. Meanwhile, the slightly less impactful Vice Presidential debate will take place on Tuesday, October 1 on CBS. After all, what does a Vice President even do anyway? Oh, right, occasionally step in late in a campaign to fend off a twice-impeached felon’s assault on democracy itself.

“‘I’m sorry, it’s too late. I’d love to have my ass handed to me for another two hours, but there’s just no time.'”
desi lydic

“I mean I can’t blame the guy. Drake’s not going to Kendrick like, ‘Hey, we should beef again, send me some dates.'”
desi lydic

“We are now 40 days and 40 nights away from learning whether we need to build an ark.”
stephen colbert

“We are just 40 days away from the election, which means it’s time to start working on that insurrection body.”
desi lydic

“The [Vice Presidential] debate is being hosted this year by CBS. Which is why the moderators this year are Tracker and the stopwatch from 60 Minutes.”
stephen colbert

“Unlike Trump, Vance is actually preparing to debate. In his rehearsals, Walz is being played by Minnesota Representative and guy at the high school reunion reminding you of all the great times you had together, and how that guy was definitely still breathing when you left the party, remember?, Tom Emmer.”
stephen colbert

“Meanwhile, Walz is preparing for the debate with the help of Pete Buttigieg, who is playing Mr. Vance. It must be difficult for Buttigieg to get into character since Vance has none.”
stephen colbert

We’re the Kids in America (Who-oa)

While it’s a serious indictment of America’s national character that this race is even remotely close, there is some encouraging polling coming out that suggests young voters are seeing through Donald Trump for the bloviating bigot and self-dealing conman he is. With new voter registration at an all-time high and the percentage of young women voters skewing overwhelmingly toward Kamala Harris (gee, wonder why?), a new Harvard survey pins democracy’s hopes squarely on those damned kids.

[On the Harvard poll showing Harris with a 31 point lead among young voters] “Thats is huge. Usually the only thing that popular at Harvard is saying you ‘went to a small college outside of Boston.’ Shut up, Ainsley, we know where you went. That’s not humble, thats worse.”
stephen colbert

[On the poll showing young women choosing Harris 70 percent to Trump’s 34 percent] “Thank you young women, you’re going to save us all… and young men are going to play Xbox and see how high they can jump off a big rock.”
stephen colbert

[On Harris’ youth-courting plan to visit 150 colleges before Election Day] “Woo, 150. She’s trying to break Matt Gaetz’s record. I’m kidding. Obviously, I’m kidding. He’d never date a college girl. Or as he calls them, mature honeys.”
stephen colbert

When Your Press Conferences Come With Scam Alerts

[On Trump coins, which cost $70 more than the amount of silver used to mint them] “What a deal. ‘Uh honey, I know I bought a Trump coin at a 210 percent loss, but you can use the Trump coin to buy Truth Social stock. And once that, you know, eventually bounces back, we’ll invest the profit in an NFT trading card of his gold sneakers, which is pegged to the price of the little pieces of his suit we got from when he got arrested, then convert it to Trump crypto which we’ll use to buy Melania’s book, which is worth—get this—one Trump silver coin. Whats that suitcase for?’
stephen colbert

“But Trump is right, there are a lot of different Trump coins floating around out there, and you don’t want to be scammed by some grifter’s fake coin. You want to be scammed by Donald Trump’s fake coin.”
desi lydic

Vice President Kamala Harris spoke today in Pittsburgh and laid our her economic plan, while Trump laid out his economic plan on QVC.”
seth meyers

“And that’s why Trump’s coin comes with a certificate of authenticity which authentically certifies that you should not be in charge of your family’s finances.”
desi lydic

[On the slick CGI- and generic guitar rock-heavy Trump coin commercial] “What was your favorite part of the ad? Mine was when the silver poop-jaculated. Don’t know what’s going on there. Or maybe that the Trump coins are made from a bar already labeled Trump coins.”
stephen colbert

“Now if he was just peddling this coin, I would understand. What with all the legal bills he has to pay for all the fraud and the sexual assault and the Big Macs.”
desi lydic

[On the promise that each coin will come in a velvet bag] “Okay but who walks around with a silver coin in a velvet pouch? This isn’t the Middle Ages. ‘You there! I say there, you there, peasant boy, fetch me a handsome goose, for I have a silver coin emblazoned with the face of the village idiot.'”
stephen colbert

He’s Soo Close To Getting It

Sifting through all of Donald Trump’s campaign trail gibberish for clues to the legally-proven sexual predator and insurrectionist grifter’s lifetime of narcissism and hostility is a tough job, but hard-digging hosts may have come up with something.

[On Trump admitting he lost the 2020 election “by a whisker” at an appearance this week] “Okay, good, was that so hard? I mean, he’s finally at the acceptance stage of grief. “
jimmy kimmel

[After a montage of Trump confessing to the “personality defect” of needing everyone to like him] “It’s not unusual to want people to like you. I mean, some of us even choses careers where we forego making real bonds to the people closest to us so we can sit in a roomful of strangers every night hoping to entertain them—oh, f**k, Trump and I are the same.”
seth meyers

“Everyone likes to be liked, that’s not unusual. What’s unusual is it’s the only thing you care about. Trump becomes enamored of the worst people in the world, from the Taliban to Vladimir Putin to Kid Rock if they flatter him, and he’ll get into bitter feuds with war heroes and beloved icons if they even so much as gently criticize him. This is a man who has said both that he hates Taylor Swift and that he fell in love with Kim Jong Un, even though everyone agrees his last album was bad. And I know Trump’s gonna say, ‘But did you listen to Kim’s Version?’ I did, and it’s still bad.”
seth meyers

“It’s weird to watch him come so close to a breakthrough and then bail. ‘I always get along with the strong, the tough guys. Maybe even a little too tough, too strong, too mean. You know, mean guys who are fathers, you could say. Fathers who are tough on their kids and make their kids sad. [Long, reflective pause] Anyway, look at this crowd tonight!'”
seth meyers

“Is Donald Trump becoming introspective? I didn’t think it was possible, but he seems to be engaging in some actual self-reflection. Did a coconut fall on his head and change his entire personality? ‘I hate Taylor Swift, he music is overrated… [coconut clonk] But also, you know, when I listen to her, you know, when I listen to her it reminds me of times when my heart was broken, you know. Maybe if I’m being honest, my rage at Taylor is that she’s in touch with feelings that I dare not unearth. [coconut clonk] Kim Jong Un is my best friend! We have a great friendship. He’s the one who gave me this coconut tree.'”
seth meyers

“I can’t wait to see the questions at his next town hall. ‘Hi, Mr. Trump, my name’s Doctor Ziegler, I have a two-part question. What would you do about inflation, and how would you feel about starting on 20mg of Prozac?'”
seth meyers

Potpourri

[On the winnowing of contestants on The Golden Bachelorette] “Six were eliminated, four died of natural causes.”
jimmy kimmel

“Joan eliminated four of them and time took care of the other two.”
jimmy fallon

[After President Biden held a reception for the U.N. General Assembly at the Metropolitan Museum of Art] “Yep, Biden at a museum, the jokes pretty much write themselves.”
jimmy fallon

[Addressing some serious press double-standard work concerning foreign hacks of presidential candidates] “The good news for Trump is that the reporters refuse to publish the documents because they have journalistic integrity, and because rewarding another country for hacking into a candidate’s emails would be downright un-American. [2016 clip of Trump explicitly begging Russia to hack Hillary Clinton’s emails] I guess there’s no such thing as karma.”
jimmy kimmel

“Today in North Carolina, former President Trump gave a speech at a factory that makes plumbing equipment. That’s right, Trump spoke at a plumbing factory. He wasn’t expecting to but the Chipotle hit quicker than he expected.”
jimmy fallon

“Trump had a lot of questions for the workers. He was like, ‘What pipes are best for flushing classified documents?'”
jimmy fallon

[On the Trump campaign hack] “Which is what happens when you store secret documents next to the urinal at a golf course.”
jimmy kimmel

[After Trump claimed that him wanting to bring furniture manufacturing jobs back to the U.S. means that foreign governments are trying to kill him(?)] “That’s why people want to kill Trump? Does he think IKEA issued a fatwa on him? Although Faätjja is my favorite IKEA bookshelf.”
desi lydic