Mon Night Monologues: Republicans Can't Delete History

Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Seth Meyers

Missed Monday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.

Yup, Another GOP Winner

As Seth Meyers mused about today’s Republican Party, “they have a talent for choosing the most antisocial nutjobs on the face of the planet.” Wow, that’s pretty harsh. At least until you look down the GOP all-star bench and spot the guy accused of enabling years of sexual abuse, the guy accused of sexual abuse and trafficking of minors, the lady who blamed weather on Jewish space lasers, the married guy who allegedly slipped his mistress an abortion pill smoothie while railing against abortion for other people, the other “pro-life” guy whose wife had two abortions while he pressured his mistress to have another, the anti-gay, “family values” crusaders who cruised the internet looking for MWW threeways, and the list goes on and appallingly, predictably on.

But the GOP has truly outdone itself this time with the revelations that its high-profile pick for governor in the key battleground state of North Carolina, one Mark Robinson, outed his evangelical, self-righteous, outspokenly right-wing ass on a porn site called Nude Africa. Of course, merely indulging one’s predilection for sexual pleasure in private is nothing that Republicans would ever object to—wait, what’s that? Oh right, trying to legislate people’s personal sexual lives and identities is literally number one on the GOP agenda. Regardless, as long as Mark Robinson only indulged his kinks safely and anonymously online, it won’t be a prob—wait, what? [Scanning multiple news stories] Comments section… called himself a “Black Nazi”… said that slavery wasn’t a bad thing. And that he wanted to own people? Lusted over trans women while publicly calling the LGBTQ+ community “filth?” And used the same, unmistakable, easily traceable online information as he used on his Twitter account?

While all that might be enough to scuttle the Donald Trump-endorsed political career of the average hypocritical Republican, it looks like—yeah, Mark Robinson is screwed. And thus the Republican strategy of endorsing the most extreme and hateful ideologues and hypocrites they can dredge up with little or no vetting so long as they worship at Donald Trump’s feet continues to pay dividends. Just not to them.

“CNN said he wrote some very creepy stuff on the Nude Africa message board, included referring to himself as a ‘Black Nazi,’ which is shocking—I mean, who knew porn sites had message boards.”
jimmy kimmel

“I will say, one nice thing about this story is that it gives everyone a chance to pretend they have no idea how porn sites work. You know, like how I just did. ‘Honey, did you see this story about Mark Robinson? It is crazy, honey. I guess there are these sites on the world wide web, the internet. And they are a collection of, oh my gosh, what would you even call it? Erotica? Stag films? Anyway, I’m so disgusted after Googling the details of this story that I’m, gonna clear my internet history. So in case you’re wondering, that’s why I’m clearing the history on all my devices.'”
seth meyers

“Robinson made troubling online comments where he described himself as a Black Nazi, spoke favorably of reinstating slavery, and said Mein Kampf is ‘a good read’ on a porn message forum called Nude Africa. Which is the most popular continent focused porn site next to Topless Antarctica and Just Butts Australia.”
stephen colbert

[After a clip of Trump claiming Robinson is better than Martin Luther King Jr.] “‘Martin Luther King times two?’ I don’t know, man. Seems like a Bizarro Martin Luther King where everything is opposite. I mean, I can see him giving an ‘I Have a Nightmare’ speech: ‘I have a nightmare where an intrepid reporter digs into the comments section of Nude Africa and figures out my identity due to my sloppiness in sharing distinguishing information.'”
seth meyers

[On GOP Veep pick J.D. Vance attempting to straddle the fence when asked about Robinson’s sweaty denials] “‘I don’t believe him. I don’t not believe him. I don’t not disbelieve him. I don’t not not un-disbelieve him. But most importantly, and this is what you, the mainstream media refuses to report on, I don’t not not not not dis-un-de-believe him.'”
seth meyers

“Despite denying that they are his posts… Robinson has declined offers to enlist tech experts to help exonerate him. You gotta go to the experts and have them do forensics on your hard drive. I believe for Robinson they have to take his laptop to the Apple Penius Bar.”
stephen colbert

[On Vance] “What a charismatic, silver tongued salesman. I can’t believe America hasn’t fallen head over heels for this guy yet. Those comments for Robinson aren’t A.I., but J.D. Vance, I would definitely believe he’s A.I.—J.D. Vance is what you get if you ask A.I. to generate Ted Cruz for a low-budget porno.”
seth meyers

“First of all, that’s not what people use A.I. for. They don’t use A.I. to fake decades-old comments by politicians on porn sites. They use A.I. to see what Homer Simpson would look like if he was a real guy. [Shows horrifying A.I. picture of real world Homer] By the way, that guy definitely uses his real name to leave comments on porn sites.”
seth meyers

“Since the story came out, four top staff members on Robinson’s campaign team have resigned. And to ensure that Mark Robinson would read their resignation letters, they posted them to Nude Africa.”
stephen colbert

[On Vance adopting a wait and see approach on whether or not to disavow Robinson] “Right, forget the truth, let’s find out what the people think and then we’ll decide what we think. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a dog-eater to catch.”
jimmy kimmel

“The dude called himself a Nazi on a porn website. How hard is that to denounce? If you can’t denounce that, you can’t denounce anything. Which of course is one of the job requirements when you’re Donald Trump’s running mate, right? You have to fully remove your soul and the capacity for shame and self-reflection so you can just stand there blankly and say something as patently absurd as ‘I don’t not believe him’ without bursting into tears and screaming, ‘What am I doing with my life?!'”
seth meyers

Launch the Scapegoats

With Jon Stewart back behind the Daily Show desk for the first time since the show won the Outstanding Talk Show Emmy, the part-time host launched right back into the deep waters on Monday. Taking on the continued and escalating violence in the Middle East, Stewart lambasted the Netanyahu government for attacking Lebanon instead of focusing on a peaceful deal to free Hamas hostages, the United States for supplying endless arms to Israel and then sputtering out excuses for Netanyahu’s “wanton rocketing” in Gaza, and Donald Trump for jumping with both feet on the tied-and-true “blame the Jews” strategy as he prepares to lose another presidential election. As ever, any story about Israel and Jews is fraught with tension, touchiness, and maddening moral complexity, something Stewart eats with his once-day-a-week Daily Show lunch.

[On Israel somehow rigging suspected terrorists’ pagers to explode, with deadly results] “Exploding pagers, ah. Lebanon expected Israel to attack from the south, but instead they attacked from the 1980’s.”
jon stewart

[Explaining pagers to the youth of today] “There was a time back in the olden days when we didn’t have cellphones but we still wanted to buy drugs.”
jon stewart

[On U.S. officials word salad in response to ally Israel’s attacks] “Okay so its not a war, it’s a volatile situationship. A friends with bombenfits, if you will.”
jon stewart

[On an Israeli spokesman referring to Netanyahu’s strategy as “deescalation through escalation”] “Or as that is sometimes called, war!”
jon stewart

[Responding to those claiming criticism of Israel’s government is anti-Semitism with clips of prominent Netanyahu critics] “What anti-Semites the… former Prime Minister of Israel and former defense minster are!”
jon stewart

“But still, people are gonna see this segment and go, ‘All right, maybe Israel isn’t perfect, but criticizing them feeds the fire. Don’t you worry about anti-Semitism?’ And to that I say no. I believe anti-Semitism will be fine. I gotta say, not for nothing, but from what I’ve experienced, it’s very resilient. And it’s not really tied to any event, or war, or activity, or reality. For God’s sake, Kanye thought we ruined his Adidas deal. We didn’t, we just need orthotics, that’s all.”
jon stewart

“Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe the ‘blame the Jews’ from the Black Death from the Spanish Inquisition to the space lasers will all go away if Israel does right. And peace will reign, and people will no longer baselessly and conveniently blame the Jews when things don’t work out exactly the way they want them to. [Clip of Trump blaming the Jews if he loses] Son of a bitch!”
jon stewart

“Jewish voters don’t need Donald Trump to guilt them for the decisions they make, that’s what Jewish mothers are for.”
jimmy kimmel

Bawk, Bawk, Bawk

After getting trounced by Kamala Harris in their debate earlier this month like the sundowning, unprepared, genuinely bananas old coot that he is, Donald Trump has officially announced that, no, he will not be coming back for seconds, thank you very much. Trump, naturally, is claiming that he won the first debate despite humans having eyes and ears, and now claims that it’s “too late” in the election season to hold another one. He would also like people to know that he is not—in any way—a-scared of getting beaten up on national TV by a smart, confident woman. Not. At. All.

[On Trump’s latest excuse] “Do you know how much can happen in six weeks these days? That’s enough time for you to take the lead in the polls, lose the lead, get indicted like three more times, take the lead again, drop out, leave a comment on Nude Africa using your alias Donald K. Trump, lose the lead, get back in, drop J.D. Vance, confuse J.D. Vance with Mike Pence, combine them into a politician named Mike D. Pants…”
seth meyers

When QVC Meets QAnon

ON the same week where Donald Trump announced his entry into the never-scammy cryptocurrency racket, he also went old school, hawking a hundred dollar silver coin with his face on it. (Presumably to the same rubes who bought his now nearly worthless Truth Social stock.) As Jimmy Kimmel delighted in roasting his favorite target, “I love that it’s made of silver. It’s the perfect gift to send him when he comes in second in November.”

“The Trump coin, it should be noted, costs $100. It contains $31 worth of silver. And what captures the essence of Donald Trump more than charging the fans who love him the most three times what a coin is worth.”
jimmy kimmel

“$100 for a Chuck E. Cheese token with his head on it.”
jimmy kimmel

[The Ring Voice] 41 Days…

Everybody’s getting excited for the 2024 presidential election, happening in just about six weeks’ time. Polls! Campaign ads! Scurrilous racism! Questionable aisle-reaching! It’s all happening, folks, and hurtling down on us like a runaway freight train filled with anxiety, anticipation, and the potential end of American democracy as we know it! Choo-choo?

[On Democratic V.P. pick Tim Walz aggressively folksy new campaign commercial] “He named his dog after his truck. That is peak middle America dad. ‘Hey there, these are my kids Dodge Ram, and right over there is the apple of our eye, J.D. Power and Associates Best Class Mid Sized Sedan. Named her for her grandma.'”
stephen colbert

[On Kamala Harris revealing she’s a gun owner to Oprah Winfrey, and saying “If somebody breaks in my house, they’re getting shot”] “Santa, you were warned. She’s also keeping a list.”
stephen colbert

[After Trump, smarting over Winfrey’s endorsement of Harris, baffling posted that that “was not the real Oprah”] “‘No, it’s true, it can’t be the real Oprah. I met the real Oprah once at Madame Tussaud’s. She was just sitting there calm as could be, hanging out with her good friends Julia Roberts, Pennywise, and the late, great E.T.'”
stephen colbert

[On Trump’s, again baffling rally claim that every job created in the last two years has been taken by “illegal aliens,” telling the crowd, “think of it”] “I am thinking of it, and that seems insane. Every single job of the last two years? He’s so desperate, he’s red-lining the fear fear monger. Just look at his latest lawn sign: ‘Trump 2024 Everyone’s dead. Migrants killed everyone. You’re dead. Sad.'”
stephen colbert

[In the baffling trifecta, after Trump concluded his pitch to women voters with a series of promises, including that they will be “happy, healthy, confident, and free,” plus “healthy, hopeful, safe, and secure”] “I’m not sure if he’s running for president or marketing a new brand of tampon. ‘Women will be safe, secure and unscented. I will install all my judges with a comfort glide applicator. Vote for me or there will be heavy days.'”
stephen colbert

“‘And if you don’t believe it, ask my wife Melania who every night prays I drive my golf cart into a lagoon.'”
jimmy kimmel

[After Georgia Republicans changed procedures to hand-count all ballots on election night, all but ensuring a major cluster-f*ck for Trump to exploit] “So from now on when someone asks, ‘Do you know where I can get a hand-job,’ you say, ‘From the Republicans in Georgia.'”
stephen colbert

[On Trump coming out for flavored vapes after meeting with a vaping lobbyist over the weekend and claiming he was always in favor of the kiddie-marketed smoking alternative] “That’s not true but he says it with such conviction, you know? He’s a convicted vapist.”
jimmy kimmel

Potpourri

[On revelations that journalist Olivia Nuzzi had a “personal relationship” with Robert F. Kennedy Jr. while she was writing positive stories about him for New York magazine] “The story says Kennedy was bragging to his friends that Nuzzi sent shots of herself nude, which are the only shots he will get, by the way.”
jimmy kimmel

[On the influx of world leaders in New York for the U.N. General Assembly] “That’s right, 140 world leaders just got here and Trump is already claiming that they’re eating our pets.”
jimmy fallon

“It’s that special time of year when you get to see the King of Norway buy a fake Rolex from the Times Square Elmo.”
jimmy fallon

[On Trump dispiritedly telling an interviewer he’d retire from politics if he loses] “I’ve never seen him answer a question so succinctly before. That might be the first time he’s ever kept an answer to under three minutes. He didn’t mention toilets or windmills once. Donald, I can’t believe I’m asking this but, you okay, bud?”
seth meyers