For the second day in a row, Donald Trump had the world on edge as he weighed U.S. military action against Iran. That looming decision—along with his White House flagpoles and the Tucker Carlson vs. Ted Cruz smackdown—dominated Wednesday’s late-night monologues. Here’s our roundup:
War or Whatever
“For two days now, the world has been waiting for Donald Trump to decide whether to accept Israel’s e-vite to go to war with Iran. We know he’s viewed it, but he still hasn’t RSVPed. I hate it when that happens.”
Jordan Klepper, The Daily Show
“That’s what you get for electing a reality TV guy. ‘Will I start World War III? I’ll give you my answer… after this message from Skyrizi. ♪ Nothing is everything!’”
Stephen Colbert
“President Trump is reportedly considering joining the war between Israel and Iran. And you may not like it, but he did say, over and over again during the campaign, America third.”
Seth Meyers
“The thing is, Trump being bunker-buster-curious is a shock to some people. ’Cause one of the things that ‘America First’ supposedly meant was keeping American troops out of foreign wars so we can send more of them to Los Angeles. You know, send them to America first.”
Stephen Colbert
“Sitting around and considering Iraq Round Two is like a movie executive walking in a room saying, ‘Should we make another Cats?’ Maybe this time we don’t blur the buttholes, we just double down on the buttholes.’”
Seth Meyers
Pole Position
Trump may have left the G7 early to huddle with his top national security advisors, but as late-night hosts were quick to note, that didn’t stop him from spending nearly an hour on the White House lawn Wednesday—carefully avoiding the “E” word—while presiding over a flagpole raising.
“Not now, dude! This is like your boyfriend getting down on one knee and saying, ‘Kelly, will you make me the happiest man in the world and look at these two beautiful flag poles?’”
Stephen Colbert
“He spent more time raising these flags than he did raising Eric and Don Jr. combined.”
Jimmy Kimmel
“What’s going on here? It feels like someone told him, ‘Sir, you’re not doing well in the polls.’ And he was like, ‘I hear you, I’m on it.’
Jordan Klepper, The Daily Show
“Well, yes, we do know what the word that starts with an ‘E’ is, and I’m guessing you haven’t been able to achieve one in many years.”
Jimmy Kimmel
“It’s a word, a word that starts with an ‘E’ that he’s embarrassed to say publicly. Eric! Eric! There it is.”
Stephen Colbert
“Now he’s an erection denier, too.”
Jimmy Kimmel
“He started out saying he was gonna build a giant wall, and now he’s down to two poles.”
Seth Meyers
“The new flagpoles are 100 feet long, which is ten times the length of the pole Melania wouldn’t touch him with.”
Jimmy Kimmel
“Everyone stood in awe as our new relaxed-fit plus-sized husky mega-flag sent a clear message to America’s enemies: We can get you in a used Hyundai Sonata for zero APR financing today.”
Stephen Colbert
MAGA Melee
Not since the great Musk-Trump Tweet War of early June has late night taken such joy in seeing two MAGA world figures bickering after Tucker Carlson took Ted Cruz to task for not knowing the population of Iran.
“Oh! Damn, Ted Cruz! Are you a pair of $800 Ferragamo boat shoes? Because Tucker Carlson owned you, buddy!”
Jordan Klepper, The Daily Show
“I know the population, just give me a second to count, okay? Let’s see, there’s the Ayatollah. That’s one… Uh… The Iron Sheik. Two… Is Aladdin? No?”
Jordan Klepper, The Daily Show
“He’s like: ‘Uh, I’d like to phone a friend please? Oh, sh*t, I don’t have any. I had a waiter last night at Outback and he called me “Champ,” can I phone him?'”
Jordan Klepper, The Daily Show
“This is awesome! ‘You don’t know anything,’ ‘No, you don’t know anything!’ I don’t care about who wins the fight, I just like watching the fight. It’s like Alien vs. Predator but somehow more gross.”
Jordan Klepper, The Daily Show
“It’s like watching a sequel to Alien vs. Predator called I Can’t Believe I’m Saying This, But the Predator Is Making Some Very Salient Points.”
Seth Meyers
“I’ve never felt more like a Roman emperor. I just want someone to feed me grapes while I say, ‘Let them fight.’”
Seth Meyers
“It’s so wild to see these two fighting. But I gotta say, in an argument between Tucker Carlson and Ted Cruz, I’m rooting for a sinkhole.”
Stephen Colbert
Potpourri
“In a post yesterday on Truth Social, President Trump declared total control over Iranian airspace. Buddy, you don’t even have total control of the airspace above Newark.”
Seth Meyers
According to a new report, Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard has fallen out of favor with President Trump. There’s also, like, a 25% chance he thought he was appointing Nikki Haley.
Seth Meyers
“The president secretly calls him ‘Weird Stephen’… Do you know how weird you have to be to earn the nickname ‘Weird’ in the same office as Elon Musk?”
Jimmy Kimmel, on reports that Trump has a nickname for Stephen Miller
Elon Musk posted a screenshot on X yesterday of negative results of a drug test for 20 substances. Though…I’m not sure it’s a win to tell the world, “Sorry, suckers, I’m just like this.“
Seth Meyers
“[His test showed negative for] benzodiazepines, buprenorphine, meperidine, zolpidems, and carisoprodol, which also happen to be the names of his five youngest children.”
Jimmy Kimmel
Caption This
Tulsi Gabbard, “Director of National Intelligence and lead singer of Aerosmith”—Stephen Colbert
Thursday Night on Late Night
Jimmy Fallon returns from Cannes with guests Priyanka Chopra Jonas and Keke Palmer, Paul Simon performs on The Late Show, and Kimmel has Seth Rogen and Ramy Youssef
Receive our daily monologue round-ups via email: sign up here.
