The Epstein files continued to dominate late night monologues Thursday, with Donald Trump said to be in panic mode as new and resurfaced evidence of his close relationship with the accused child sex trafficker keeps coming to the fore. Plus: Trump waxes weird on AI, and Biden snags $10 million to write down whatever he hasn’t already forgotten. Here’s our Thursday night round-up.
Manic Panic
Everybody’s talking about the big Wall Street Journal bombshell that back in May, President Trump was told that his name appears in the Epstein files multiple times. Yep. Trump hasn’t felt this panicked since he accidentally ate an impossible burger.
Jimmy Fallon
Soon we may be able to see Trump’s name in those files for ourselves. Because last night, in defiance of the president, with a Republican majority, the House Oversight Committee voted to subpoena all documents related to the Jeffrey Epstein case in a vote of 8–2. Yeah, that’s big. 8–2, as in, “Boy, I would 8-2 be Trump right now.”
Stephen Colbert
You can tell Trump’s nervous because he just replaced his Diet Coke button with a Xanax lever.
Jimmy Fallon
The president made a big deal about how he broke off his relationship with Jeffrey Epstein a long time ago. But according to Epstein’s brother, Mark Epstein, Jeffrey said he “stopped hanging out with Trump when he realized Trump was a crook.” Wow! That’s extraordinary. Jeffrey Epstein breaking it off with you ’cause you’re a crook is like walking into an intervention organized by Rudy Giuliani.
Stephen Colbert
This scandal is costing Trump a lot of allies. The latest to jump ship is the QAnon shaman. This has deep repercussions, because when you lose the Q shaman, you inevitably lose Fred, Barney, and the entire Loyal Order of the Water Buffalo. They’re gone!
Stephen Colbert
Do you know how down bad you are when the guys who went to prison for you are turning on you? I need to stress this: He went to jail for Trump. This would be like if Nelson Mandela came out of prison like, “You know what? I’m done with Black people.”
Josh Johnson, The Daily Show
Whatever’s in those Epstein files must be really f*cking bad. They must be finding so many mentions of Trump they’re going to have to change the name to “The Trump Files, featuring Jeffrey Epstein.”
Seth Meyers
Trump’s furious that this is all people can talk about. He was like, “This is supposed to be the summer I turned pretty.”
Jimmy Fallon
They’re so desperate to distract everyone, they’re claiming that Barack Obama is guilty of treasonous conspiracy, and leading a coup against Trump. Barack Obama? The guy couldn’t even get away with smoking a cigarette in his own house.
Seth Meyers
I honestly think we’re one more Epstein story away from Trump just announcing that UFOs are real. Be saying, like, “Aliens exist. They live here on Earth. In fact, one of them used to be my lawyer.”
Seth Meyers
AI, AI, Oh
While speaking yesterday at an A.I. Summit, President Trump said that people don’t realize there are over 200 countries, and that’s because there are 195 countries.
Seth Meyers
If you’re going to stand there and confidently get things wrong, why do we even need A.I.?
Seth Meyers
At the summit, President Trump also called artificial intelligence a “Beautiful baby that’s born. We have to grow that baby and let that baby thrive,” which is different from his usual strategy of ignore the baby until they’re 30, then put it in charge of your company.
Seth Meyers
It’s true. Nothing artificial for me. They harvest my dinner straight from the nugget bush, and then they milk the Diet Coke cow. Got to milk it every day, or else they explode from the carbonation.
Stephen Colbert as Trump
Potpourri
Former President Joe Biden has reportedly reached a deal to sell his presidential memoir for a $10 million advance. So, for you kids who are worried you’re not qualified for the job you want, Joe Biden is getting $10 million to remember things.
Seth Meyers
Biden actually has a great title for the book. It’s called “LOL, guess who ain’t in the Epstein files.”
Jimmy Fallon
Miller Lite is celebrating its 50th anniversary by offering 50,000 free beers at bars across the country. People are running up to the bar like, “Can I get a Budweiser?” “Oh, it has to be—I get it now.”
Jimmy Fallon
Yeah, 50,000 Miller Lites. Which is about the number you need to feel anything.
Jimmy Fallon
During a press briefing yesterday, Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard said that she’s found emails from the Democratic National Committee that claimed Hillary Clinton had, quote, “psychoemotional problems.” Wow, we really dodged a bullet. Could you imagine having an emotionally unstable president?
Seth Meyers
Disney+ has announced a new partnership with the pool-sharing platform Swimply to offer a “dive-in” movie theater experience in Los Angeles, where guests can swim while they watch films. And you won’t even have to miss anything when you need to pee.
Seth Meyers
The U.S. Postal Service yesterday released new commemorative stamps specifically to commemorate a time long ago when people needed stamps.
Seth Meyers
The great-grandson of fascist dictator Benito Mussolini has joined a soccer team in Italy, and said this week that his last name, quote, “bothers other people more than me.” Same, said his teammate, Joey Hitler Cosby.
Seth Meyers
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