Whether he was on the tee box, in the personnel manual, or in the Epstein files (allegedly), Donald Trump took fire from all sides in Tuesday night’s late-night monologues. Here’s our nightly round-up.
Epstein Digest
For the first time in weeks, there was no new Epstein-flavored red meat for late-night hosts to chomp down on Tuesday—not that there weren’t plenty of leftovers to fill their empty bellies.
“Trump just suggested that Democrats could have planted his name in the Epstein files. Nancy Pelosi and Bernie Sanders were like, ‘Trust us, if we knew how to work a computer, we would have.'”
Jimmy Fallon
“Trump went from saying, ‘There are no files’ to, ‘I’m not in the files’ to, ‘I’m only in there ’cause the files were changed.’ By next week, we’re gonna find out that Trump is Jeffrey Epstein.”
Jimmy Fallon
“When asked yesterday about the release of the Epstein files at an event in Ohio, Vice President J.D. Vance said that President Trump has been ‘incredibly transparent about that stuff.’ And I agree. We can absolutely see right through him.”
Seth Meyers
“President Trump was asked during a media appearance over the weekend if he rushed to finish a trade deal with the European Union to ‘knock Jeffrey Epstein’s story out.’ Oh, yeah, I’m sure all the conspiracy theorists and MAGA will stop talking about Epstein now that there’s a new trade deal. ‘So you think Trump was on the list or what?’ ‘Who cares? We can get cheaper sardines from Portugal.’
Seth Meyers
“This is going viral. A mayoral candidate in Massachusetts named Geoffrey Epstein with a ‘G.’ Can you imagine? He’s doing his best to remind voters that he is not Jeffrey Epstein with a ‘J.’ I’m not sure what’s worse, that his last name is Epstein or that he spells Jeffrey with a G.”
Jimmy Fallon
“Fortunately for him, though, he’s running against another candidate, Geoffrey Dahmer.”
Jimmy Fallon
Fore! Profit
Though his state trip to Scotland was ostensibly to sign a new trade deal with the EU, the president is being criticized for using tax dollars to help promote his new golf course.
“Trump was not just wasting time playing golf, he was also wasting time profiting off golf.”
Desi Lydic, The Daily Show
“Just a reminder, this man is still the president of the United States. There’s a lot going on in the world, and he’s at a ribbon-cutting ceremony to promote his golf course. Is this his side hustle, or is America his side hustle?”
Desi Lydic, The Daily Show
“We’re just used to this now, but imagine if when Obama was in office, he kept flying on Air Force One to open up Pizza Hut–Taco Bell franchises. ‘I want to announce we killed Bin Laden, and the new Chalupa is half price at 3:00 P.M. Live mas! Not you, Bin Laden.'”
Desi Lydic, The Daily Show
Holy Workplace
The Trump administration’s Office of Personnel Management is stirring controversy after it sent a memo to federal workers stating that they can talk about religion at work, including trying to “persuade others of the correctness of their own religious views.”
“No, no. Absolutely not. If you’re going to approach me at work and ask, ‘Have you heard the good news?’ it better mean there are donuts in the break room. Otherwise, keep it moving, Zachariah.”
Desi Lydic, The Daily Show
“They say any religion, but you get a sense of which one the memo is rooting for. Because it says that no disciplinary action should be taken against employees displaying religious items, quote, ‘Such as crosses, crucifixes, and mezuzah.’ Yes, you can display any religious artifacts: crosses, crucifixes, lowercase Ts made of wood, the thing that vampires are scared of, and mezuzah. Maybe two mezuzahs, like this. [Forming a cross.]”
Stephen Colbert
“Can you imagine how humiliating it would be to have your fundamental worldview changed by Susan from accounting?”
Desi Lydic, The Daily Show
“And who would have the balls to convert a coworker? I don’t even feel comfortable telling my coworker she should get bangs. She should, though. Stacey, you should get bangs.”
Desi Lydic, The Daily Show
Camelot Cancelled
A House Republican bill would strip former President Kennedy’s name from the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts in Washington, D.C., and rename it the “Donald J. Trump Center for the Performing Arts.” After his audience booed the idea, Stephen Colbert quipped, “I’m sensing you don’t like that. Clearly, you are not eager to see Kid Rock dance The Nutcracker.”
“The bill’s sponsor says that Trump is ‘a patron of the arts and a staple of the pop-culture landscape’… It’s true. Trump is a staple of pop culture. Just last week, he was great on ‘South Park.'”
Stephen Colbert
“Now, while it’s true that two months after Kennedy’s 1963 assassination, Congress passed legislation renaming the national cultural center as a living memorial to Kennedy, that was a long time ago. And you know what they say about those who forget the past. They name stuff after Donald Trump.”
Stephen Colbert
“Let’s just rip off the Band-Aid and rename everything. The Washington Monument will become ‘My big pointy penis,’ and the Grand Canyon will be ‘Donald’s gaping hole.'”
Stephen Colbert
Potpourri
“More than 200 million Americans getting slammed by scorching hot temperatures. Amazon already has a new TV series, ‘The Summer I Turned Sweaty.'”
Jimmy Fallon
“It’s not just here. Over in Finland, they broke a record with their 16th consecutive day above 30 degrees Celsius. Americans heard and were like, ‘Yeah, we have no idea how much that is.’ ‘Do I times it by 50? What is it?'”
Jimmy Fallon
“Coors Light today announced a partnership with the deodorant brand Duradry. Now the only thing that will stink is your taste in beer.”
Seth Meyers
“The Trump administration is now accepting Venmo payments to help pay down the national debt. That’s how desperate our financial situation is! We’ve started a GoFundMe for America. Next you’re gonna see ads of Sarah McLachlan holding a sad Uncle Sam.”
Stephen Colbert
“The CEO of Boeing said 2025 could be the company’s turnaround year. I’m sorry. Could be? It’s never good when a company that makes planes has a comeback story.”
Jimmy Fallon
“At an amusement park in Ohio, a new roller coaster just stranded riders for the fourth time since it opened last month. But don’t worry. They’re claiming 2025 could be their turnaround year.”
Jimmy Fallon
“The fast food chain White Castle has announced it will test automated delivery services in Chicago. And Taco Bell announced they’re gonna stick with the burrito-polt.”
Seth Meyers
“Russia over the weekend began offering flights between Moscow and Pyongyang, North Korea. So, good news for anyone who needs a vacation but can’t stand the crowds in Libya.”
Seth Meyers
“An employee at Tallahassee Chuck E. Cheese was arrested last week while wearing the mouse mascot costume. Bail was set at 300,000 tickets.”
Seth Meyers
Caption This
“Media mogul and snail that owns a bookshop, Rupert Murdoch”—Stephen Colbert, The Late Show
Wednesday Night on Late Night
Liam Neeson and Sen. Elissa Slotkin join Stephen Colbert on The Late Show. Jimmy Fallon welcomes Nicole Scherzinger, Hasan Minhaj, and Morgan Spector. Pamela Anderson and Marc Maron sit down with Seth Meyers.
