Weds Monologues: Trump’s in the Epstein Files

If Stephen Colbert and his late-night cohort seemed to have an extra spring in their steps last night, it’s not for nothing. Here’s our Wednesday night monologue roundup.

Smoking Gun(s)

Desperate as he is to move on from Jeffrey Epstein, every day seems to bring new evidence of President Trump’s close ties to the child sex trafficker. Tuesday, it was the discovery of new photos and video of Epstein at Trump’s second wedding. And on Wednesday, The Wall Street Journal reported that Attorney General Pam Bondi informed the president back in May that his name was in the Epstein files.

“You know how they say ‘There’s no such thing as bad publicity?’ They’re not talking about this.”
Stephen Colbert

“This whole time, Trump already knew he was in the Epstein files. Which is a good reminder that if someone’s acting guilty, they’re probably guilty. No one’s ever like, ‘Don’t look at my browser history—you’ll see all the charities I volunteer for.'”
Josh Johnson, The Daily Show

“The president wasn’t alone. An official familiar with the documents said they contain hundreds of other names… Names like: Donald Trump, Donald John Trump, Donald J. Trump, Donny Trump, Donald Trump Jr.’s father, Big Daddy Bronzer a.k.a. The Donald, and a mystery man known only as ‘Micropenis DJT.'”
Stephen Colbert

“After this news dropped, many were quick to point out that this gives new color to what Elon Musk tweeted back in June: ‘Time to drop the really big bomb: @Realdonaldtrump is in the Epstein files.’ Elon knew it! I always said he’s a good guy who’s right about everything. It’s a great idea to name a baby ‘420-kleepclork-69.'”
Stephen Colbert

“Meanwhile, newly uncovered footage shows that Jeffrey Epstein attended Trump’s second wedding in 1993. It was nice. You had the bride, the groom, the groomer.”
Jimmy Fallon

“Epstein ordered the fish. His date ordered grilled cheese off the kids’ menu.”
Jimmy Fallon

“This was odd. At the end of his vows, Trump turned to Epstein and said, ‘Till suspicious death do us part.'”
Jimmy Fallon

“O.J. Simpson was also at Trump’s wedding. Jeffrey Epstein and O.J. Simpson. Trump’s ex-wife was like, ‘Okay, so in hindsight, maybe there have been a couple red flags there.’ Apparently Jeffrey Dahmer couldn’t make it because he had a bar mitzvah that day.”
Jimmy Fallon

Drug Deal

President Trump says he now plans to lower the cost of prescription drugs not 30% or 40%, as he’s previously promised. In a speech Tuesday night, he said, “We’re going to get them down 1,000%, 600%, 500%, 1,500%.”

“What do you mean you’re going to decrease drug prices by 1,000%? Are you going to start paying people to take pharmaceuticals?”
Seth Meyers

“From now on, we’ll pay you fifty bucks for every pill you take — Ambien, Percocet, LSD, whatever cocktail of drugs gets you to shut the f*ck up about Jeffrey Epstein.”
Seth Meyers

“Next year’s Forbes billionaires list is just going to be a bunch of dudes with leukemia. On the bright side, we’re actually going to be bankrupting insurance companies instead of the other way around.”
Josh Johnson, The Daily Show

“If Trump had enacted this sooner, that CEO would’ve shot Luigi.”
Josh Johnson, The Daily Show

Skydance with the Devil

In a post Tuesday on Truth Social, President Trump announced that Skydance Media had agreed to give him an extra $20 million worth of advertising as part of his recent $16 million settlement with Paramount Global. Something about CBS taking a nearly $40 million dollar loss seemed to strike a chord with Stephen Colbert.

“By bending the knee, they lost almost $40 million this year. They better watch out—they might get canceled. For purely financial reasons.”
Stephen Colbert

“Last year, Paramount laid off 2,000 employees, and then cut another several hundred just last month. Firing that many people and then handing over $36 mil to a guy who is putting your neighbors in camps, all because of a lawsuit that your own lawyers said was completely without merit. If that’s true, that would make CBS morally bankrupt. Also: bankrupt.”
Stephen Colbert

“Trump claims that additional $20 million is a gift in kind that will be paid in advertising, PSAs, or similar programming, all promoting causes supported by the president. So this fall on CBS, get ready for the new FBI: Epstein Redactors.”
Stephen Colbert

Potpourri

“The maker of Pop-Tarts and Pringles said that they are removing all synthetic dyes from their foods. Yep. People who eat Pop-Tarts and Pringles were like, ‘Good, because my health is very important to me.'”
Jimmy Fallon

“I think it’s more concerning that they have to dye Pringles… What color are Pringles where you have to dye it khaki?”
Jimmy Fallon

“This week an Aeromexico plane nearly landed on top of a Delta plane that was taking off. Newark airport was like, ‘See, this is why we don’t let planes land or take off.'”
Jimmy Fallon

“The New York Times this week published a profile on the new social phenomenon of heterofatalism, where women are fed up with dating men. Ah yes, that brand-new phenomenon. Are we forgetting that Eve didn’t even want to hang out with Adam? ‘I’m going to go get an apple.’ ‘No, stay here.'”
Seth Meyers

“Starbucks this week announced that its pumpkin spice latte will return on August 26th. August? The only pumpkin spice anyone wants in August is pumpkin spice Gatorade.”
Seth Meyers

“Authorities in Tennessee recently arrested a former Bravo reality star for allegedly hitting a customer in a Nashville Walmart with a sock filled with rocks. Said a spokesperson for Walmart, ‘I’m not even sure why we sell those.'”
Seth Meyers

“The House Appropriations Committee passed an amendment yesterday that would rename the Kennedy Center’s opera house after First Lady Melania Trump, or as she’s known locally, ‘The Phantom of the White House.'”
Seth Meyers

“President Trump repeated his claims that former president Barack Obama ordered officials to manufacture a politically motivated intelligence assessment and added, ‘This was treason, this was every word you can think of.’ No, it’s every word you can think of. We all know way more.”
Seth Meyers

“During an Oval Office meeting yesterday with President Trump, Philippines president Ferdinand Marcos Jr. said that, ‘The cultural memory of all Filipinos down to even the school children is that our strongest, closest, most reliable ally has always been the United States.’ To which Trump replied, ‘I just found out the Philippines existed yesterday.'”
Seth Meyers