Mon Monologues: A Very Stable Privilege

Eager to put the Epstein saga behind him, President Trump traveled to Scotland over the weekend—where, surprise!—Scottish reporters asked him about the Epstein saga. Here’s our Monday night monologue round-up.

For more on last night’s monologues, check out these related stories:

The Privilege Wasn’t His

Asked whether he’d ever visited Epstein’s island, Trump said he hadn’t. To the delight of late night, he then added, “I never had the privilege.”

“I’m sorry, what? What? You never had the privilege of going to Epstein’s island? ‘Sadly, I never had the honor of dining with Jeff Dahmer. It just…’”
Stephen Colbert

“The privilege? What the f*ck? ‘Hey, Donald, want to go to the island this weekend?’ ‘Well, first of all, Jeffrey, thank you for thinking of me. Unfortunately, that’s the weekend the teen pageant I bought is installing the indoor security locker room cameras…’”
Jon Stewart

“Trump’s staff was like, ‘A simple no would’ve been fine.’”
Jimmy Fallon

“You were doing really good right until ‘privilege.’ ‘Privilege’ was not the word you wanted to use. ‘A trip to that terrible island was simply not an honor bestowed upon me.’”
Seth Meyers

“‘Privilege’ makes it seem like you never turned down an invitation. It seems like you were checking your messages every day in hopes one was forthcoming.”
Seth Meyers

“Trump said he was invited to the island but didn’t want to go. I get it. It’s so annoying when you get invited to a destination crime scene, isn’t it?”
Jimmy Fallon

“Yeah, Trump then added that turning down an offer to go to Epstein Island was, ‘One of my very good moments.’ Well, that’s an incredibly high bar for himself, huh? I mean—‘Believe me, you have no idea how tempting it was.’”
Jimmy Fallon

“The Justice Department has reportedly granted limited immunity to Jeffrey Epstein associate Ghislaine Maxwell in exchange for information on 100 people linked to Epstein—as well as full immunity if she gives them zero information on one person.”
Seth Meyers

“Trump told reporters he would give them a list of Jeffrey Epstein’s associates. We’re letting him write the list? That means right now he’s asking Siri if O’Donnell has one N or two.”
Seth Meyers

“You expect me to believe that Bill Clinton went to the island only 28 times? No way. I mean, if anyone had VIP diamond island status… There are probably still parrots alive on that island going, ‘Hey, Bill. Back again. Hey, Bill. How are you doing, Bill? What’s up, Bill?’”
Jon Stewart

The Ball Drop Seen ‘Round the World

While playing a round of golf at his new course in Scotland, cameras appeared to catch President Trump cheating—when his caddy seemed to drop a ball into a better spot.

“Last time I saw a ball-drop that obvious, Anderson and Andy were hammered.”
Stephen Colbert

“In his defense, Trump has not seen his own balls in years.”
Stephen Colbert

“It’s just refreshing to see someone cheating without being at a Coldplay concert.”
Jimmy Fallon

Potpourri

“While Trump was in Scotland, he announced a brand-new trade agreement with the European Union. It replaces the old trade deal, where Europe sent us cheese and wine, and in exchange, we sent them our most annoying college students.”
Stephen Colbert

“According to a new report, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth’s allies hosted an intervention to rethink whom he’s employing as his advisers. Like his friends: Jim, Jack, and the Captain.”
Seth Meyers

“Russia just started direct flights between Moscow and North Korea. It’s one of those rare trips where the fun part really is the journey—and not the destination.”
Jimmy Fallon

“A new study found that half the dogs in the U.S. are overweight. You know your dog is overweight when you have to drill extra holes in their collar.”
Jimmy Fallon

“You know your dog is overweight when you throw a ball to play fetch and they’re like—[gruff voice] ‘Get it yourself.’”
Jimmy Fallon

“An inmate at a New Orleans jail was mistakenly released on Friday after authorities confused him with another prisoner with a similar name. So, congratulations to Maxwells Ghislain.”
Seth Meyers