It was another unusual night for late night Tuesday, with longtime Daily Show writer-turned-correspondent Josh Johnson taking his first turn behind the show’s anchor desk. Like the rest of the field, he had plenty to work with.
Witch, Please
As new details continue to emerge about his relationship with Jeffrey Epstein, Donald Trump still insists there’s no fire in that smoke.
“Today while speaking to reporters at the White House, President Trump called the Epstein files controversy a witch hunt. Yeah, a witch hunt… as in it’s a hunt for which files contain Trump.”
Jimmy Fallon
“Yeah, he called it a witch hunt…. When they heard, Glinda and Elphaba were like, ‘Leave us out of this, dude.'”
Jimmy Fallon
“According to court records, Trump flew on Epstein’s plane at least seven times. Now, that doesn’t mean he did anything illegal, but it’s not a great look when you fly on the pedophile’s plane enough times to earn diamond pervert status.”
Stephen Colbert
“According to Senator Dick Durbin, back in March, 1,000 FBI agents were put on 24-hour shifts to review approximately 100,000 Epstein-related records and instructed to flag any documents that mentioned Donald Trump. That is a suspiciously Herculean effort. ‘All the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t hide who Dumpty humped with his friend.'”
Stephen Colbert
“Even MAGA is demanding answers. Eleven congressional Republicans have said they will join Democrats to vote to release the Epstein files. That would be a majority of Congress. So in response, today, Speaker Mike Johnson shut down the House until September to block a vote on the Epstein files. It’s a common parliamentary maneuver known as blla-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.”
Stephen Colbert
“They cleared out Congress for the summer like they found a dookie in the pool!”
Josh Johnson, The Daily Show
“But Mike Johnson said, ‘Don’t worry. We will not deal with this the moment we get back.'”
Jimmy Fallon
“Meanwhile, the Justice Department said that they plan to meet with Epstein associate Ghislaine Maxwell. When asked about it, Trump said it sounds like an appropriate thing to do. He was like, ‘Hell, I met with her hundreds of times.’”
Jimmy Fallon
Jimmy Fallon
“You haven’t talked to Ghislaine Maxwell, Epstein’s accomplice? The woman he’s in the most pictures with? Wouldn’t she be your first witness?”
Josh Johnson, The Daily Show
“How funny would it be if the FBI gets there and she’s like, ‘I’m finally ready to talk, I’m finally ready to tell you everything.’ But then at the last second, she grabs one of the agent’s guns and takes herself out? The FBI would have to come out like, ‘Okay, okay. I know how this looks, but I swear, I swear. Here’s how much I want you to believe me. We did do the first one.'”
Josh Johnson, The Daily Show
Seday What?
In the face of bipartisan pressure to release the Epstein files, the Trump administration has been doing everything in its power to distract—including commenting on the president’s skin condition and accusing Barack Obama of trying to steal the 2016 election. Trump told reporters Tuesday morning that he had irrefutable proof Obama was “Sedaytious.”
“Wow. It takes confidence to call a former president ‘sedaytious.’ Because that is not a word.”
Stephen Colbert
“‘Sedaytious?’ It feels like he’s mispronouncing a new Black friend’s name. ‘I want you to meet my friend, Se-day-tious!’ ‘Thanks. It’s Sean.'”
Josh Johnson, The Daily Show
“‘Yes he was. He was sedaytious. He would sedate everyone around him with those long pauses of his, then boom, he and Michelle steal the election with a series of thoughtful Netflix documentaries.'”
Stephen Colbert
“The problem with this distraction is that it’s so old, Jeffrey Epstein wouldn’t date it.”
Josh Johnson, The Daily Show
Fortune Cracks Wise
Josh Johnson wasn’t the only new host on the block Tuesday night. Comedian Fortune Feimster made her guest hosting debut on Jimmy Kimmel Live! on the very same day Donald Trump declared on Truth Social that Kimmel would be “next to go in the untalented late-night sweepstakes”—gifting her with some fresh material right out of the gate.
“I was wondering if the president cancels his show, does the guest host still get paid?”
Fortune Feimster, Jimmy Kimmel Live!
“And am I in trouble if Jimmy’s show gets canceled while I’m hosting? [Laughter] Hey, thanks for letting me catsit. Oh, also, your cat’s dead.”
Fortune Feimster, Jimmy Kimmel Live!
“Just a little fact check. Jimmy Kimmel is not the next to go. Apparently he already went, like a month ago. He is doing shrooms at Six Flags right now.”
Fortune Feimster, Jimmy Kimmel Live!
“Just wait until the president finds out that Jimmy hired a substitute lesbian. That’s right. I’m a DEI hire. [Laughter] Well, except for the ‘D.’ I haven’t seen a ‘D’ since I was in junior high school. Hey, come on now!”
Fortune Feimster, Jimmy Kimmel Live!
“I mean, what an insane day to become a late-night host. I think we can all agree I’m getting into the game at the perfect time. I feel like a waiter who just walked up to a couple’s table right after they broke up. ‘Hey, my name’s Fortune, I’ll be your guys—oh, eww, okay. You know what, I’ll just come back.'”
Fortune Feimster, Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Potpourri
“Thank you… Everyone wants to go to the zoo to see the endangered animal.”
Stephen Colbert (after entering to thunderous applause)
“In a post Sunday on Truth Social, President Trump celebrated six months of his second term and said, ‘Wow, time flies.’ Does it, though?”
Seth Meyers
“According to leading meat economists, in the past year, the average price of a pound of ground beef rose nearly 12%, and the average price of all uncooked beef steaks rose 8%. Which explains Arby’s new slogan: ‘Arby’s: We have the bun.'”
Stephen Colbert
“During a breakfast in the Hamptons this weekend, former Governor Andrew Cuomo said that New York City hasn’t had a competent mayor since Michael Bloomberg. And if there’s someone who has his finger on the pulse of what everyday New Yorkers need, it’s a guy having breakfast in the Hamptons.”
Seth Meyers
“The NYPD harbor unit arrested a naked man over the weekend after he allegedly stole a dinghy on the Hudson River. The dinghy was safely secured, and so was the boat.”
Seth Meyers
“Organizers hosted the Swingathon Festival for swingers over the weekend in the U.K., which included sex games, foam parties, and as many as three women.”
Seth Meyers
“King Charles last week named his wife, Queen Camilla, the Vice Admiral of the United Kingdom in honor of her 78th birthday. Not to be outdone, President Trump has finally named First Lady Melania as his emergency contact. ‘She probably won’t pick up first time you call.'”
Seth Meyers
“Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth met yesterday with Philippine President Ferdinand ‘Bongbong’ Marcos Jr. That story again: Bongbong met with Beer Bong.”
Seth Meyers
“‘Superman’ was the number one movie again this weekend, and people cannot seem to get enough of his adorable pet dog, Crypto. So much so that Google searches for dog adoptions went up by more than 500% after the movie came out. Awesome. But a word of warning before you go out and do something rash. I adopted a bat after I saw The Dark Knight, and I may have started COVID.”
Fortune Feimster, Jimmy Kimmel Live!
“A new report found that the fittest city in America is Arlington, Virginia. Once again, the least fit city is Manboob, Iowa.”
Jimmy Fallon
“The White House released a memo last week outlining President Trump’s health issues, which said the bruising on the back of his hand is, ‘consistent with minor soft tissue irritation from frequent hand shaking.’ I just love that his followers have to somehow reconcile this idea that he’s this powerful strong man, but also he gets bruises if you touch him. He’s the indestructible savior of America, but also he’s basically a plum.”
Seth Meyers
“I cannot stress how big of a deal this is. Because they never admit that Trump has anything but impeccable health. Usually, they bring out a doctor to be like, ‘Donald Trump has big muscles and a girthy-ass dick. Medically speaking, he makes Hercules look like a pig with cancer.'”
Josh Johnson, The Daily Show
Wednesday Night on Late Night
Anthony Mackie, Mamie Gummer, and Robert Klein visit Fallon, Fortune Feimster welcomes Arnold Schwarzenegger to Kimmel, and Colbert sits down with Steve Buscemi.
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