Weds Night Monologues: Grilled Like Roadkill

In what was a busy and chaotic day even for the newly hatched second Trump administration, late-night hosts were left with a surplus of material.

On the one hand, a memo announcing the abrupt termination of virtually all federal aid grants put the immediate fate of millions of people who depend on everything from school lunches to veterans benefits to Medicaid into panicked confusion. On the other, Trump’s nominee for Health and Human Services director Robert F. Kennedy Jr endured the grilling of a lifetime from Democrats who simply read out page after page of the former presidential candidate’s anti-vax and other medical conspiracy theories.

Here’s our round-up of the night’s best lines from across the dial.

Seth Meyers

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Seth Meyers spent his A Closer Look segment breaking down Trump’s sweeping spending freeze, even as the administration quickly walked back the directive after an even more dramatic than usual backlash from politicians and those affected.

As Meyers pointed out to his viewers, nobody should really have been that surprised, as he played a clip of now VP J.D. Vance laying out the Project 2025-inspired plot to, as Vance put it, “seize the administrative state for our own purposes” by firing “every mid-level bureaucrat, every civil servant” and replacing them with “our people.”

Noting the current propensity of right-wing politicians to give away their plans on bro-hosted podcasts, Meyers played out one such scenario: “‘Welcome to hour three of The Man Zone. On our show today we’re gonna discuss if you can increase your sperm count by exposing your testicles on dry ice. We’re gonna try it on Dave’s pit bull. But first, the Vice President of the United States is here to explain how he’s gonna seize power of the administrative state.’ [Air horn sound.]”

Summing up the since-aborted freeze, Meyers summed it up in preparation for the next one, stating it was part of Trump’s plan to “dismantle the government and hand over its core functions to billionaire oligarchs to they can rip you off. That’s it.” 

“You know I had very low expectations for what Donald Trump’s first week in office would be like. But even I did not think that he would, you know, turn the government off.” 

[On White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt defending the cuts by claiming they would eliminate “transgenderism” and “wokeness”] “Yeah, no more money for transgenderism and wokeness at the [checks list] Phoenix Fire Department, which was slated to lose 35 million dollars under the freeze. I’m so tired of all these woke firefighters coming to my house and refusing to put out the fire because they’re too busy tantalizing us with their hot shirtless calendars.”

“By the way, if you’re ever wondering if a plan is evil, the word ‘seize’ is a dead giveaway. You’ll never hear a politician say, ‘We should seize tax dollars to give kids some free school lunches.'”

[On Republican Congressman Rich McCormick (R-GA) defending cuts to school lunch assistance by telling CNN how underage kids should go out and work like he did before child labor laws were enacted] “Did you though? Did you get that? Because it seems like you want kids that live in cities to—let me check my notes here—pick berries?”

[On Democrats’ “sluggish” response to the crisis] “Let’s go, Democrats, this is your moment to grab the national spotlight. Avengers assemble! [News report stating Democrats will have a virtual meeting about the issue the day after the freeze was announced] Sorry, the Avengers can’t assemble until tomorrow?”

[On Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY) explaining how angry voters are “aroused”] “Move over, Phoenix firefighter calendar, because somebody just landed January in the Hunks of the Senate.”

“I have never, in my life, been less aroused than hearing Chuck Schumer say the word aroused. It’s like hearing your grandpa say, ‘These pancakes are moist.’ [Shuddering] Ugh.” 

Michael Kosta

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Taking on the day’s other big story, The Daily Show‘s Kosta dug into the confirmation hearings of HHS nominee Robert F. Kennedy Jr. After rehashing all the things people presumably know about Kennedy’s eye-opening propensity for animal mutilation and anti-science conspiracy peddling, Kosta showed questioner after Democratic questioner confronting a flustered Kennedy with his own words, including—just picking two examples—that Lyme disease is an engineered bioweapon, and that Covid was engineered to spare Jews.

“Today was a big day for Donald Trump’s cabinet. The government one, not the one with golf trophies he gave himself.”

“And look, we all remember the stories about this guy from the campaign. The dead bear cub he dumped in Central Park, the time he sawed off the head of a dead whale and tied it to the roof of his car, the worm that died after eating part of his brain. Basically, if there’s an animal corpse anywhere in America, RFK Jr is probably involved.”

[On the new statement from cousin Caroline Kennedy calling RFK Jr “a predator” and noting how he used to put baby chickens and mice in a blender to feed his pet birds in college] “He was putting baby chickens and mice in a blender? And ladies, you thought it was bad when a guy brought you back to his dorm room and busted out a guitar.”

“We all have a crazy cousin. It’s the cousin rule of three. There’s the crazy one, a quiet one, and one that we secretly think is hot. What’s up, Stephanie?”

[On an anti-RFK letter signed by over 15 thousand doctors] “Whoa, 15,000 doctors signed this letter. Of course, we don’t know who they are because they all just signed it like this [scribbling motion.]”

[On Kennedy claiming that he’d use a time machine to ensure his children were never vaccinated] “That is the worst answer to ‘What would you do with a time machine?’ that I have ever heard. You can’t think of anyone else in your family that you would go back in time and try to prevent a shot from happening?”

[On another Kennedy conspiracy he claimed under questioning not to remember publishing in his book] “Jesus Christ, this guy has said so many thing that he can’t remember if he said ‘Black AIDS is different than white AIDS?’ [RFK voice] ‘White AIDS is so bland. And they put raisins in it. Don’t bring that white AIDS to my cookout.'” 

[On Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT) confronting Kennedy with “Un-vaxxed, Unafraid” baby onesies sold from his website] “Wow, I never realized how much I would enjoy watching Bernie Sanders talking about baby clothes. [Bernie voice] ‘And these little corduroy dungarees, why do they have pockets? A baby doesn’t need to carry around a wallet or car keys! Do you support that?'”

Stephen Colbert

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Colbert, too, spent much of his monologue rising to the comically irresistible bait that is the Robert F. Kennedy Jr confirmation hearing. Regarding the man he termed an “anti-vax roadkill chef,” Colbert did find himself treading some parallel ground, as both he and Michael Kosta made jokes about Kennedy’s hawks not needing a Nutribullet to down their preferred baby animal lunches. But that’s what happens when your Health and Human Services nominee boasts a resumé no self-respecting comedian can ignore.

[Addressing one of RFK’s conspiracy theories brought up during the hearing] “We’ve all seen the classic Jimmy Stewart movie, Mr. Smith Says Covid Was Genetically Engineered to Spare Jews and Still Gets to Go to Washington.”

[On Kennedy’s past claim that measles is best treated by chicken soup] “So get ready for a soup-based healthcare system. ‘Uh, Mr. Reynolds, I have your chart here. We have your EKG results and I’m afraid we need to start treatment immediately. Luckily, you insurance covers gazpacho.'”

[On Caroline Kennedy’s non-endorsement] “If you’re alarmed about RFK Jr becoming our health secretary, there’s a good chance you may be a member of his family.” 

“Ooooh, I love an old fashioned Kennedy fight. Usually these things get worked out in Nantucket with croquet mallets until it’s time for oysters, gin, and the NDAs.”

[On Caroline Kennedy referring to RFK as “a predator”] “Uh, you’re not a predator if the animal you’re eating was already run over by a Volvo. Technically you’re a scavenger.” 

[On the whole “chicks and mice in a blender” thing] “Okay, that behavior is disgusting and cruel and it completely disqualifies him from working for HHS—and for Jamba Juice.”

[On Kennedy excusing his conspiracy peddling as just asking “uncomfortable questions”] “Yes, he has the courage to ask uncomfortable questions all the time. Like, ‘Are you gonna finish that raccoon?'”

[On Kennedy claiming he was just quoting a study claiming Covid was engineered to spare Jews and Chinese people, despite the study emphatically not claiming that] “Well, to quote Shakespeare, ‘You can’t just say you’re quoting someone and then make up whatever you want, ya numbnuts.'”

[On Bernie Sanders’ ire over Kennedy’s organization selling anti-vaxxer baby clothes] “Yes, it’s the most unhelpful child’s product to hit the market since Hasbro released My Little Polio.”

Jimmy Kimmel

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Speaking of parallel thinking, Kimmel joined both Stephen Colbert in making a Jamba Juice joke about RFK Jr’s baby animal smoothies and Michael Kosta in spotlighting Kennedy’s wife Cheryl Hines at the hearing to do a Curb Your Enthusiasm bit. It was that kind of hearing.

[On the smoothie news] “And guess what, not one of the 27 senators on the finance committee asked him about it today. Not one. We’ve reached a point where these cabinet picks are so nutty, the idea that one of them was making Stuart Little smoothies doesn’t even come up.”

[Doing a Bernie Sanders voice while referencing the Vermont senator’s irate question about children’s wear ] “‘Are you supportive of these onesies? And what is your position on binkies?'”

[On the Kennedy/Kristi Noem cabinet hearings] “We could have a Health and Human Services Secretary who puts Easter animals in a blender paired up with a head of Homeland Security who shoots puppies and goats. This is quite a farm Old MacDonald has put together for us.”

Kimmel then moved on to a few other Trump administration stories, including the proposed buyout of thousands of government employees, Trump’s immediately walked-back government spending freeze, and ICE raids choosing their anti-immigrant raid targets very poorly.

“And if there’s anybody you can trust to honor a deal, it’s Donald J. Trump. He’ll probably pay them in Melania meme-coin or something.” 

[On Trump claiming that his spending freeze would have ended a program “sending $50 million in condoms to Hamas“] “I’ve gotta say, whoever is writing his lies for him this time deserves a raise. They are hilarious.”

[On ICE agents being caught demanding immigration papers from Native Americans] “Imagine asking a Native American, ‘Are you here illegally?’ ‘No you’re here illegally! You’ve been here illegally for 500 years.'”

Taylor Tomlinson

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The After Midnight host did a little self-care on Wednesday by largely opting out of political news in favor of a little positivity in the form of pulled-from-the-internet jokes and silly stories about celebrities… or at least the gallows humor version thereof.

“Well, there’s lots of horrible stuff happening in the world. That’s just how I greet people now.” 

“[After a TikTok video exhorting people to give in and enjoy like there’s no tomorrow] “That’s what positivity is now: ‘Who the f*ck cares?’ I love this. Let’s indulge. I have been eating fistfuls of peanut butter and shoplifting from Home Depot. I don’t even need anything from Home Depot and now I have, like, nine buckets.”

[On Christopher Walken admitting that he’s never owned a cell phone] “That’s so cool! I love that. But it does pose the question, who have I been sending my nudes to?”

[On an Oklahoma Republican submitting a bill to arrest people who make or enjoy pornography] “Good luck enforcing this. Those people love getting handcuffed.”

[On a foreign-born reality show contestant being confused by the premise of Survivor] “You really can’t take our reality show titles seriously. There are no sharks on Shark Tank, there’s no love on Love Island, there are no stars on Dancing With the Stars.”

Jimmy Fallon

The Tonight Show host kept up his reputation by quickly skating through a handful of light Trump jokes before segueing into comfier territory—namely, chicken nuggets.

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“According to the Chinese calendar, it’s the Year of the Snake. Although according to some Republicans, it’s the year 1952.”

“Trump is threatening to fire anyone who doesn’t come back into the office. Instead he wants them to come back into the office so he can fire them in person.”

“Yesterday he froze all federal aid then today he unfroze it. It’s like Trump is being advised by the giant doll from Squid Game.”

“Wegman’s has recalled chicken nuggets after bone fragments were found in the meat. Yeah, when they found bones in the chicken, they just flipped the sign from ‘nuggets’ to ‘wings’ and called it a day.” 

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