Missed Tuesday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
The Handmaid’s Males
With a mere 40-some days to go before a national referendum on, among other things, whether human women are actually human, Republican candidates are making their big pitch to women voters. Women voters being just one group overwhelmingly pissed off at the GOP as a whole because of—well, pick a reason. Top guesses include: destroying women’s reproductive rights; nominating for president a legally determined rapist; refusing to protect the right to IVF; working to gut workplace protections against sexual harassment and abuse; mocking childless women as “cat ladies;” adopting fundamentalist nightmare Project 2025 as a party platform, with its plans to track women’s periods, abolish Head Start and Title IX, and plenty of other pre-Mad Men era wet dreams from puny, inadequate men who like their women subservient, pregnant, and hunted across state lines if they try to attain abortions.
With slightly more than half of voters being women, that’s a lot of work for hard-spinning Republicans, with Donald Trump—adjudicated sexual assaulter and longtime wingman of infamous sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein—reassuring women in a speech this week that he will be their “protector.” It’s classic serial abuser language, with The Daily Show‘s Desi Lydic speaking for female voters everywhere by responding warily, “Umm, I’m actually meeting someone here. I have a boyfriend, thank you so much though.”
“According to polls, he’s deeply unpopular with women. Maybe it’s because of his legally adjudicated record of sexual assault. Maybe he forgot their birthdays. It’s hard to say.”
desi lydic
[After Trump defended IVF (which the GOP just refused to protect) by saying, “We want those babies”] “That’s just upsetting. That sounds like he eats babies, or is he building a baby army? Wait a second, is he Rumpelstiltskin? ‘You’ll never get your baby back unless you can guess my name. Wait, how’d you guess it? Oh, it’s in gold, two-story letters on everything I own? Damn you, me!'”
stephen colbert
[After Trump claimed that American women are “stressed and depressed and unhappy” as part of his come-on to women voters] “[Fanning herself with her hand] Woo, excuse me, you really know how to flatter a lady. Please, tell me more about the bags under my eyes.”
desi lydic
“I love how he’s acknowledging that we’re stressed out as if he’s not the one stressing us out. This is like Boeing saying, ‘Weird how people keep being so stressed out about air travel these days.'”
desi lydic
“But Trump is a master marketer. That’s how you sell things to women—you convince them they have a problem and then you say, ‘Here, buy these vagina gummies.’ And yes, in this analogy Trump is the vagina gummy.”
desi lydic
[After Trump’s creepy “I will be your protector” promise] “Oh, that is the perfect way to appeal to any woman. Fellas, we all know there’s no better way to start a first date than going [Takes off glasses, gets uncomfortably close to camera], ‘Diane, I am your protector. I want to be your protector. You will no longer be abandoned, lonely, or scared. I will be with you 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Looking at you. I’ll never let you out of my sight. Oh, you need to go to the bathroom? I’ll wait. [Pause] Waitress? I want to protect you.'”
stephen colbert
[Refuting one Trump claim] “Although it’s not true that all women are poorer—E. Jean Carroll seems to be doing pretty well.”
desi lydic
“I know what you’re thinking, how can Trump expect women to support him when he took away abortion rights. Well luckily he has an answer for that. [Clip of Trump promising, “You will no longer be thinking about abortion” because the issue has gone to the states] Yes the states, where women live. ‘You know that thing that you could always depend on because it was legal everywhere? Well now it’s up for a vote every two years in every jurisdiction forever! That feels better right? No need to think, don’t think, just don’t think!'”
desi lydic
[After a recording caught Republican Ohio Senate candidate Bernie Moreno mocking women over 50 for caring about abortion rights] “Yeah, how dare a woman who can’t get pregnant care about abortion. Only men who can’t get pregnant can care about abortion.”
desi lydic
“People should only care about issues that affect their bodies. Why do you care about it, Bernie Moreno? It’s abortion, not the rising price of extra-small condoms. “
desi lydic
Never Poke the Bear—Or Especially Mrs. Bear
The longstanding feud between Donald Trump and Jimmy Kimmel is the stuff of one-sided trouncing history. Look, it’s probably best to just ignore a professional comedian who nightly mocks your every misstep, racist lie, stream of nonsensical gibberish, and damning big screen biopic, but Trump continues to rise to the late-night monologue bait. Not only did Trump attack the current crop of late-night hosts—and pine for a TV comeback from the long-deceased Johnny Carson—but he also proved that his ego cannot let anything go by bringing up that time (six months ago) that Oscar host Kimmel made assembled Hollywood laugh at his expense.
After Kimmel memorably mocked Trump’s mid-awards show rant about his hosting acumen (and all the Trump jokes), Kimmel brought the house down by asking, “Isn’t it past your jail time?,” a zinger that Kimmel happily showed has become a lucrative meme on all manner of merch. One such emblazoned piece of swag adorned none other than Molly McNearney who, apart from being the Emmy-winning producer of those same Oscars and Jimmy Kimmel’s wife, was unwisely name-checked by Trump at a recent rally, where the totally-not-bothered presidential candidate lied in saying that Kimmel’s wife and manager had begged the host not to read Trump’s not-at-all-bothered Truth Social post on the air. McNearney took over the Jimmy Kimmel Live stage—Emmy in tow—and delivered some actual advice to Trump this time, referencing his promise at the same rally to be a champion to women. It’s easily as good as any material Kimmel’s roster of vacation guests hosts delivered.
“Donald, thank you for your support and I’m glad I have your attention. Because one in three women in this country is currently living under an abortion ban because you stacked our Supreme Court. Thanks to you, women in 21 states can’t make their own choice about their own life and their own body. And 10 U.S. states make no exceptions for rape or incest. The party you run so bigly and so beautifully, the party that cares so much about motherhood, just blocked a bill that would protect our access to IVF. Women are dying and good doctors are quitting because they can’t get or give the reproductive care that women so desperately need. So my advice to you is to shut up and go away. Far away. Go to Mar-a-Lago. Spend all day, every day cheating at golf and masturbating to Newsmax, and let a competent woman take over.”
molly mcnearney
[After Trump said of Kimmel, “What a dope”] “Isn’t that sweet, he’s confusing me with one of his sons again.”
jimmy kimmel
“Should I be worried that Trump has mentioned my wife more times at his rallies this year than his own?”
jimmy kimmel
NSFW GOP
The saga of North Carolina Republican gubernatorial candidate, Donald Trump-endorsed GOP rising star, and “horny Carl Winslow” (according to Desi Lydic) Mark Robinson continues to make late-night comics’ day. The not-going-anywhere-soon scandal involving Robinson’s documented history of making comments on a porn website like “I’m a Black Nazi,” and “I sure would like to own some slaves,” have the Republican laughingstock going on the attack, claiming that the American people are more interested than the issues than some paltry sex scandal involving an outspoken conservative secretly and predictably harboring squirmy sexual peccadillos while publicly proclaiming all not heteronormative married sex “filth.” Good luck with that, big guy.
As for those issues, Robinson might be referring to his pre-NudeAfrica.com comments section views like how trans women (who he graphically lusted after online) should be forced to defecate in the streets, how women’s bodies belong to the state as soon as she gets pregnant, how LGBTQ+ people are “maggots,” how a secret cabal of Jewish bankers run the world, how the Holocaust was “hogwash.” (His conspiracy gibberish about the moon landing being faked seems quaint in retrospect.) Keep in mind that the Republican Party touted Robinson as one of its big guns after he said all this hateful nonsense, with only his public shaming over some porn-y revelations causing some in the GOP to turn their backs.
[Noting that the Republican Governors Association has pulled ad money from Robinson] “About damn time. You know that is good to know, Republicans won’t support a Nazi-loving sex creep… for governor.”
stephen colbert
“Last week it was reported that Robinson spent years posting on the porn website NudeAfrica.com. Yeah, he called himself a Black Nazi and said that he wished he could buy slaves. He talked about his love of trans porn, even though in public he denounces trans people, and he allegedly wrote detailed fantasies about his wife’s sister that are so explicit that I only feel comfortable reading them to you if I replace all the nasty words with the word “Smurf.” So here we go. ‘Right when I was really pumping the Smurf chute good, she shot a long, hard stream of Smurf up in the air that covered my chest in Smurf. It was so Smurfing hot. She was Smurfin’, I was Smurfin’, she was Smurfin’, I was covered in Smurf, and Smurf juice and Smurf. Damn.’ [Shudders.] There goes my childhood.”
desi lydic
[On the fact that Nude Africa’s parent company is named Wife Lover] “Well why would anyone be ashamed of that? ‘Okay honey, yes, I do have subscriptions to multiple porn sites. But one of them I will have you know, is Wife Lovers. Are you a member of Husband Lovers? Aha, no! And I’m glad you’re not a member, because I post a lot of Nazi stuff on there.'”
stephen colbert
[On Robinson’s defiant press conference about all the porn and Nazi stuff] “‘Yeah, people listen up. There are real issues at stake here. Inflation is so high, America’s MILFs can’t afford to pay their pool boys! Utilities are so expensive, young men are forced to shower with their stepmoms! Cities are so strapped that MTA is raising prices on the Bang Bus! American families are so poor that they’re living ass-to-mouth. And immigrants are stealing all our jobs, hand and blow.'”
desi lydic
[On the news that Robinson also posted on a now-defunct site called Lords of Porno] “[Tearing up] I’m sorry, what? I’m sorry I’m gonna need a minute—this is a tough way for me to find out that Lords of Porno went out of business. Nobody told me. I never even got to say goodbye. Farewell, sweet Lords, may you rest in butt stuff.”
stephen colbert
United-in-Anxiety Nations
The U.N. General Assembly convened in New York this week, with many of the assembled Assembly-goers expressing concern about what a second Trump term would mean for global security and, if you’re Russia or Saudi Arabia, their annual bribery budget. President Biden gave his final U.N address to the body, delivering a warning against the rise of fascism around the world (and, you know, here) and expressing his gratitude for getting to serve as President—and telling his fellow world leaders that sometimes putting the greater good over your personal desires and ambition isn no vice. So there was plenty of weighty material to joke about. Or, if you’re Jimmy Fallon, how about that New York traffic, huh?
[On the general mood of tension over the idea of Trump II] “Hey, we don’t need foreigners coming over here worrying about the prospect of another Trump presidency. That is a job Americans are willing to do.”
stephen colbert
“Earlier today, President Biden attended the General Assembly and delivered his final U. N. address. Biden called on nations to band together amid world conflicts and growing concerns over China’s influence. And then he added, ‘Or do whatever you want, what the hell do I care?'”
jimmy fallon
“He warned his fellow leaders to never forget some things are more important than staying in power, which got a huge laugh from the Russian delegation.”
jimmy kimmel
“If you love the sounds of car horns, police sirens, and New Yorkers cursing at motorcades, this is the week for you.”
jimmy fallon
“Due to heavy traffic, all New Yorkers are being encouraged to take public transit. So instead of sitting in a car that’s not moving, now you can sit on a train that’s not moving.”
jimmy fallon
A Most Notable Coward, an Infinite and Endless Liar, an Hourly Promise-Breaker, the Owner of No One Good Quality
As when Republicans attempt to quote Martin Luther King Jr. on Martin Luther King Day, Donald Trump wheeling out some Shakespeare is always good for some tone-deaf, suspect, out of context nonsense. Trump, while calling Vice President Kamala Harris stupid at a rally this week, showed of his big, squishy brain by citing some Shakespeare. Except his “He was a hale and hearty guy, well met” in referring to president Biden (also, somehow, intended as an insult?), wasn’t from Shakespeare, although it sounds all old-timey to the not-at-all defensive guy who routinely lies about his academic record. Several late-night hosts think they’ve traced the actual source, however.
“Now this may shock you, but that quote is not Shakespeare. Little bit, tiny bit of it is. The words ‘well met’ appear in Shakespeare, but Hale & Hearty is a New York soup chain.”
stephen colbert
[On Trump condescendingly asking his supporters if they’ve ever heard of that Shakespeare guy] “No, honey-baked Hamlet, they never heard of Shakespeare. Nor did Shakespeare write the words ‘hale and hearty,’ that is a soup.”
jimmy kimmel
“He might have just confused it with that other Shakespeare quote, ‘Shall I compare thee to a Panera’s bread? Thou art as soft and crusty.'”
stephen colbert
It’s One Banana, Michael, What Could It Cost, 10 Dollars?
If there’s one thing that’s guaranteed cringe-bait, it’d Donald Trump trying to quote Shakespeare. If there’s another, it’s Donald Trump attempting to mix with the regular folk, as when he made a campaign stop at a Pennsylvania grocery store. While there, Trump bemoaned the prices (thus insinuating that the family market is price gouging), seemd to forget the name of a popular snack food, and marveled at the concept of actually doing your own shopping.
“‘This is fun for me. It’s nice to see where all the food lives. I usually don’t get to meet it until the man comes in with my sauce-filled nuggy bucket.'”
stephen colbert
[On Trump tossing a hundred dollar bill at a woman in line on his way out of the store] “It is nice to see him paying someone who isn’t a porn star for a change.”
jimmy kimmel
[After clip of Trump referring excitedly to a bag of popcorn as “stuff” about five times] “Okay he clearly just forget the word popcorn. ‘Hey, it’s that stuff, I love that stuff. Let’s get some of the stuff. They gave it to me at the high level briefing about The Secret Life of Pets.'”
stephen colbert
America’s Corny Dad
Despite being a progressive and effective Governor before being picked as Kamala Harris’ running mate, Tim Walz has become more famous in late-night circles for being sort of an all-purpose Midwestern stereotype. Which, fair enough.
“During a campaign event last week, Vice President Kamala Harris defended her right to own a gun and said, ‘If somebody breaks into my house, they’re getting shot.’ While Tim Walz said, And if they break into mine, they’re getting cocoa!'”
seth meyers
[On Walz getting a kick out of a soul food restaurant’s jokey signage] “I think it’s kind of adorable that he loves a kitschy sign that much. Imagine taking Governor Walz to Marshalls. ‘Live laugh love? Look at that, finally all three together on one rustic plank! That’s awful nice right there, now if only this store sold ceramic pumpkins… whaat?!'”
stephen colbert
Flailing and Failing
Meanwhile, the Trump/Vance ticket continues to try and find a successful tactic against the still-rising popularity and refreshing competence surrounding the Harris/Walz campaign. It’s… not going well.
[On Trump attacking Harris supporter Oprah Winfrey by saying she used to like him before he “decided to run for politics”] “‘Yes, she love me until I run for politics. No, she was there when I marry for wife. And sometimes we’d even go out to eat for food.'”
stephen colbert
“A new poll found that 64 percent of people want to see another debate between Kamala Harris and Donald Trump. While the other 36 percent are Donald Trump.”
jimmy fallon
“During a rally on Saturday in North Carolina, former President Trump called his five-year-old granddaughter up on stage and said, ‘She’s beautiful, and she’s sweet, and she doesn’t know how evil life is.’ You know, I used to think that President was the job he was least qualified for, but now I think it might be kindergarten teacher.”
seth meyers
[On Trump echoing the GOP talking point about Harris never listing her time working fast food—on her legal resume] “Oh yeah, that is suspicious, yes. I list every job I’ve ever had everywhere. If you look at my IMDb page, it says Late Show, Colbert Report, Daily Show, and cleaned eraser for Mrs. Brogden in the fifth grade.”
stephen colbert
[On Trump claiming that he could totally work at McDonald’s—for a half-hour] “Okay, uh, good luck with that. But you know even the most physically demanding jobs are easy to do for half an hour. ‘I worked down in a coal mine for, like 15 minutes. And I never got black lung, I just held my breath the whole time. Anyhoo, I’m going back up to the surface suckers. By the way, your canary died.'”
stephen colbert
“Ahead of next week’s Vice Presidential debate, Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg has reportedly been playing Ohio Senator J.D. Vance in debate prep sessions. He’s been getting into character by looking in the mirror every morning and telling himself he’s going to hell.”
seth meyers
“In a post on Truth Social, former President Trump said that he ‘saved flavored vaping’ in 2019 and added that he will save vaping again. Finally, some good news for that cousin you only see at Christmas.”
seth meyers
Potpourri
“The National Toy Hall of Fame this week announced the finalists for the induction into the museum, while dads announced the finalists for the National That’s Not a Toy Hall of Fame. First inductee—the thermostat.”
seth meyers
“The CEO of the company that makes Ozempic testified before Congress, and he was grilled over the drug’s high price. They were gonna roast him, but grilling is healthier.”
jimmy fallon
“The Hershey company has announced a new partnership with C4 Energy to release candy-flavored energy drinks. Congratulations, you invented soda.”
seth meyers
“Southwest Airlines told its staff that the company will have to make difficult decisions to boost profits. Today, the CEO walked into the cockpit and said, ‘Sorry guys, it’s your last day.’ And the pilots were like, ‘That’s okay, we don’t work here.'”
jimmy fallon
“Researchers at a library in Germany recently discovered a previously unknown piece of music that was composed by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. And apparently he goes after Drake pretty hard.”
seth meyers
“California is suing Exxon Mobil for not recycling 95 percent of their plastic waste. That just makes me sick. I mean, if you can’t trust a big oil company to protect the environment, then who can you trust?”
jimmy fallon
“Pope Francis cancelled his audiences on Monday thanks to a slight flu-like state. Cool, said the thousands of people who shared his cup.”
seth meyers
“Two out of five Gen Z men don’t have a primary care doctor. Instead, they just create the hashtag #doesthislookinfected.”
jimmy fallon
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