Missed Monday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Blame One for the Gipper
As several late-night hosts noted in their week-after election autopsies on Monday, there’s nothing Democrats love more than attacking each other after a defeat. With a montage of Democratic politicians and media pundits alike pointing fingers at everyone from “the P.C. police” to people who use the term Latinx, to Dick Cheney, to Tim Walz, to abortion, to having too good a voter outreach program and focusing on the noble nature of democracy itself (huh, Jon Stewart?), to the inevitable blaming of trans people for existing, this chorus of squabbling boo-birds actually exhibited one of the main reasons why Democrats keep losing. You know, forming a circular firing squad instead of regrouping and charging ahead once more into the fight for civil liberties, human rights for all, and the very concept of democracy itself.
It’s especially galling for those of us not succumbing to the signature Republican campaign message of scapegoating the vulnerable and anyone with off-white skin in order to make yourself feel better, something Seth Meyers called out in post-election disgust in his new segment upon playing dispiriting clips of CNN talking heads and New York Rep. Tom Suozzi sneering at transgender Americans, “Seth Gives a Long, Complicated Reply to a Thorny Political Question.”
Not to give the following quote away, but it does start with Meyers himself sneering, “Anyone who thinks that Democrats could win an election by throwing trans people under the bus, let me just say f*ck off.”
“If you’re choosing this moment to scapegoat and demonize vulnerable people rather than aim your criticism at the powerful elites and monied interests that paved the way for the return of Trump and stand to benefit from a second term, you’re way off. Instead of blaming trans people, why not look inward. Take some responsibility. This is like saying the Jets keep losing because there’s one guy sitting all the way up in the upper deck who’s distracting them. ‘He keeps screaming football’s a tool of the patriarchy and it’s really throwing us off!'”
seth meyers
“Trump spoke to the people. Democrats never mentioned Arnold Palmer’s c**k once!”
jon stewart
[On Bernie Sanders joining in the blame game while pitching that voters responded to Trump’s scapegoating] “There’s something about the way Bernie sums up Trump’s arguments that just makes it clear how ridiculous they are. He sounds like a tough love Brooklyn high school teacher who isn’t buying your BS for why you’re missing your homework. ‘Oh yeah, sure, the cats and the dogs ate your homework and then zillions of pigs got wings and flew out of my butt and made me the king of England.'”
Seth meyers
[Rebutting the “Dems were too woke” gang with ads from Democrats sounding like Republicans] “Those are the Democrats! ‘I gave the police more money than they even wanted. I gave them planes and tanks! I built a moat around the country and filled it with alligators and chlamydia!'”
jon stewart
[On one critic saying that allying with Dick Cheney is making a deal with the Devil] “Yeah I’m sure even the Devil’s like, ‘Whoa, I don’t know that guy! You think I know everyone that prays to me? Get real.'”
seth meyers
“They acted like Republicans for the last four months. They wore camo hats, and went to Cheney family reunions. Do you know how dangerous it is to wear a hunting hat around Cheneys?”
jon stewart
“Why are Democrats forced to answer for every choice of words by anyone even remotely associated with the party but Republicans don’t have to answer for their supporters storming the Capitol or their own presidential candidate’s racism or misogyny, or the fact that he says Hannibal Lecter is both real and a cool guy?”
seth meyers
“See, the Democrats, in a 50-50 election had a billion dollars. A war chest to be spent on data analytics, and polling, and consultants, and very clearly texting.”
jon stewart
“It turns out the election was stolen—by more people voting for Donald Trump. It’s quite a caper. Ocean’s 74 Million.”
jon stewart
All the King’s Henchmen
Donald Trump has begun assembling his cabinet and each pick seems more determined than the last to fill out what Last Week Tonight‘s John Oliver called Trump’s “deep bench of idiots, freaks, and wannabe tough guys eager to get into the White House and start breaking things.”
Take Stephen Miller, the creepy deportation fetishist and white nationalist spray-hair model who Jimmy Kimmel referred to tonight as “a steaming pile of bum-vomit.” Or former GOP representative Lee Zeldon, whose 14% lifetime score from the League of Conservation Voters put him at the top of Trump’s list to lead the [checks notes] Environmental Protection Agency? Well, those ice caps aren’t going to melt themselves. And then there’s new “immigration czar” Tom Homan, who came up with Trump’s first term family separation policy and now stands poised to commit even more crimes against [non-white] humanity by promising, “They ain’t seen sh*t yet.” (“They” presumably meaning those of us still duct-taping our souls back together after seeing images of weeping human children wondering where their’s moms are.)
And then there’s Trump’s new Chief of Staff, Susie Wiles. While the elevation of Trump’s 2024 campaign manager to this lofty position represents the first time a woman has ever been Chief of Staff, the whole “glass ceiling” thing is tempered somewhat by the fact that Wiles is, unsurprisingly, awful. Apart from helping foist a criminal sex creep and insurrectionist Russian stooge onto us once more, Wiles is also one of Trump’s henchpeople in his spree of mishandling classified material whose ties to Trump’s shady Russian dealings have come under scrutiny. She was also, according to sources, instrumental in keeping “divisive fringe elements” away from Trump on the campaign trail. Yeah, great work there, Suze.
[On Wiles the campaign manager] “So she was the mastermind who put Trump in a garbage man costume and had him dance to Ave Maria and it worked and I don’t know what anything means any more.”
stephen colbert
“The thing is, Wiles may not be the worst choice for this job, and not just because the worst choice was elected president.”
stephen colbert
“Reportedly during the campaign, Wiles worked to keep particularly divisive, fringe conservatives out of Trump’s orbit. For instance, she lured Rudy Giuliani away from Trump using a bottle of cabernet dressed up as a sexy lady.”
stephen colbert
[On new Trump bestie Elon Musk being promised a major role] “This is like letting Dracula drive the bloodmobile.”
jimmy kimmel
[On Trump publicly announcing that neither Nikki Haley nor Mike Pompeo will be in the cabinet this time around] “That sounds nice there at the end, but I want to point out that normally when you decide not to go with someone, you don’t make a big announcement out of it. ‘Attention everybody! Cheryl, will you make me the happiest man in the world and not be my wife?'”
stephen colbert
[On Haley’s snub] “Well he did offer her the position of Secretary—that’s it, just secretary.”
seth meyers
Before the Sh*tstorm
In just a few months, Donald Trump will be president again. And late-night hosts—fans of democracy, the rule of law, and not being led by sundowning psychopathic bigots as they all appear to be—have some depressing thoughts about pretty much all aspects of that.
[Sort-of mocking his presumed late-night host role in resisting Trump] “I will be relentless. Or, well, they will—I’m here Mondays.”
jon stewart
[On Republicans crowing about Trump’s “mandate”] “There’s no way of course Trump knows what a mandate is. That was one of the things he tried to scare voters about. ‘Kamala wants to ban woman dates and replace them with mandates. You go out to dinner with a beautiful woman and when you’re in the bathroom, they do a quick surgery, takes five minutes. You come back you’re on a mandate, it’s so sad.'”
seth meyers
“According to the Presidential Transition Enhancement Act, which I didn’t know existed, the incoming president has to sign a pledge that says he will avoid conflicts of interest and other ethical concerns while he’s in office. Which is hilarious—it’s like asking a bear to sign something promising to protect the salmon.”
jimmy kimmel
[On Trump—shocker—dragging his feet on signing the pledge] “This law by the way that he’s bending, it was first signed into law by him. He’s breaking his own law, which is a bucket list item for sure.”
jimmy kimmel
[On smirking Fox News talking head Jesse Watters referring to Trump as America’s stern daddy] “Every time one of these guys refers to Trump a Dad, all I can think is, ‘How sh*tty was your real dad?’ These conversations are for therapy. Soon Fox News is just gonna be a guy on a couch talking about all the ways Daddy Trump will make his life better.”
seth meyers
[On the post-election popularity of “rage rooms,” where people pay to cathartically break stuff] “Here’s a little pro tip. I’ve recently discovered that any room can be a rage room.”
stephen colbert
“But if you can’t get a reservation to get out your anger, may I recommend something called denial. Now I’ve heard it’s great—I wouldn’t know because I’m fine.”
stephen colbert
[On Trump’s D-list Hollywood supporters] “They’ve got nothing to whine about other than their careers, which no one cares about. Because if they did there would be a Deuce Bigelow 5.”
jimmy kimmel
[On reports of consumers “doomspending” at the prospect of Trump’s term in office] “I’m not sure if new clothes and plane tickets is doomspending or changing your identity. ‘Honey, I freaked out about the GOP taking the Senate so I bought a new wardrobe, a new passport, a one-way ticket to Scotland and this fake mustache. From now on my name is Angus McBagpipe. Now take me to your wee universal healthcare, lassie.'”
stephen colbert
[On Trump posting about the NFL’s new kickoff rule on Sunday] “Of course the purpose of the new kickoff rule is to prevent players from getting brain damage. But Trump knows that without brain damage, he wouldn’t be President of the United States right now.”
jimmy kimmel
Laughs for Your Service
On a Veterans Day where the incoming president has a long and undeniably documented history of demeaning, attacking, belittling, and degrading the military at every opportunity, the veterans in late-night audiences could use a few chuckles.
“Sometimes I think I could have been a good soldier. But then again I couldn’t make it past the fifth chicken wing on Hot Ones.”
jimmy fallon
“All of us here want to thank all of our brave veterans for their service to our country and for doing what so few Americans are willing to do—a push-up.”
stephen colbert
“Yeah you’ve all been so brave and have seen real fighting up close. If you want to see fake fighting up close, watch the Mike Tyson-Jake Paul fight this Friday on Netflix.”
jimmy fallon
“Vets going out to Buffalo Wild Wings will get 10 free boneless wings. That of course to commemorate the service of Civil War General Theodore A. Floppyblob.”
stephen colbert
“In honor of Veterans Day, the fast food chain White Castle is offering veterans and active duty service members free combo meals. But heads up, eating at White Castle always ends in a dishonorable discharge.”
seth meyers
“Vets and active duty military can also get a free meal from Hooters. And for those veterans that don’t enjoy boob-themed dining, there’s also an exciting meal deal being offered at Scrotalbees.”
stephen colbert
A Wicked Scandal
An Onion story that keeps coming up these days is its post-9/11 headline, “A Shattered nation Longs to Care About Stupid Bullsh*t Again.” And while late-night hosts haven’t abandoned their dogged determination to mine laughs from the festering dung heap that is our post-election reality, the fact that a toy tie-in to a big budget movie musical mistakenly plugged (if you’ll pardon) a porn site on its line of commemorative Wicked Barbie dolls proved pretty irresistible.
“They put a porn site on the Barbie box. Proof that men cannot multi-task.”
taylor tomlinson
“Those who clicked enter landed on a porn site promoting an upcoming porn movie titled Kenzie Loves Girls 2. And I’m sure you have a lot of questions, but I’ll just tell you right off, no you do not have to have seen Kenzie Loves Girls 1.”
stephen colbert
[On the company’s speedy apology and recall of the offending packaging] “Adding, ‘For a handy link to our full press release, please go to handyfullrelease.com. And we did it again, didn’t we?'”
stephen colbert
“If you’re a parent and you’re upset, I totally understand. But you should know that my barbie boxes growing up never had X-rated websites on them and I was still making my dolls do some sexy stuff to each other.”
taylor tomlinson
“But this is not on brand for them. Barbies are famously known for not having genitals. This would be like if the Easy Bake Oven used a picture of Sylvia Plath.”
taylor tomlinson
Blessed Be Those Monkeys
Another story hosts appear to be using to distract themselves and their audiences from having to deal with the impending death of American democracy and the rule of law are those darned monkeys in North Carolina. For while more than half of the 43 clever rhesus macaque escapees from an animal research facility have been safely recaptures (I’m sure they’re being treated super-well), there are still a lot of monkeys on the loose. Residents are warned that these adorable scamps are wild animals though, so please—no cuddling.
“There are a total of 43 loose in the neighborhood. Which is dangerous. If you get up to 50 they can declare your town a Jumanji zone.”
jimmy kimmel
“So they somehow catch 24 monkeys the day after one of them was brought into custody. That’s no monkey… that’s a rat.”
stephen colbert
“As of tonight, 25 of the 43 monkeys have been captured, which is a nice way of saying there are 18 monkeys on the loose in South Carolina. 19 if you count Lindsey Graham.”
jimmy kimmel
[On an official proclaiming the difficulty of rounding up the escapes monkeys] “Well as a late-night comedian doing jokes in the aftermath of the 2024 election, let me just say, you take all the time you need, brother.”
stephen colbert
Potpourri
[On election denying kook Kari Lake losing her bid for the Senate to Democrat Ruben Gallego] “Not being senator from Arizona is a tough break for Lake but now she can give all her attention to her other job, not being governor of Arizona.”
stephen colbert
“Robot dogs have been deployed at Mar-a-Lago to help protect Trump. And now Trump’s claiming, ‘They’re eating the robot cats, they’re eating the—they’re eating all the Roombas!'”
jimmy fallon
[On North Korean soldiers—in Russia to prop up Putin’s Ukraine invasion—getting sidetracked by ubiquitous internet porn] “For a lot of these young guys, the only time they get to see boobs is when Dear Leader wears a low cut t-shirt.”
jimmy kimmel
“Things are about to get real weird with their stepmoms when those guys get home.”
jimmy kimmel
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Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, John Oliver, Seth Meyers, Fuckface Jimmy Fallon, and Bunghole Bill Maher can go choke on all the bags of dicks in the world. Don’t you fucking lecture to us what went wrong, you cunts! You’re not smart enough to understand what’s wrong in America, because you all live inside your own bubbles where everything has to be made into a joke.
Nobody’s laughing with you cunts, now!