For the third night in a row, the MAGA civil war over the Trump administration’s refusal to release the Epstein files dominated late night, with Trump pulling out all the stops to try to make the story go away. Here’s our Wednesday night monologues roundup:
So Boring, It’s Criminal
The notion of a pedophile sex ring that catered to the rich and famous is many things. Boring? Not so much. But that’s how Donald Trump has begun describing it.
He’s right. The Epstein saga is a total snooze-fest. The most powerful man in the world is blocking information about a cabal of the rich, the famous, and the royal, befriending a con man, who regularly flies off on his private plane to his private island to do super illegal sex stuff. Then the con man is arrested, people are afraid he’s gonna name names, but before he can, he mysteriously dies right after being taken off suicide watch in a federal prison during the administration of the guy who is blocking the release of the information. Boring! Sex cults and murder are famously dull. That’s why they called that movie Eyes Wide Shut. ‘Cause everyone was asleep.
Stephen Colbert
What’s interesting about a global pedophile sex ring that involves the richest people in the world, that I might be covering up my own involvement in? Snooze alert! Anyway, who wants to hear about my copper tariffs? That’s juicy!
Jordan Klepper (As Trump)
But this really highlights Trump’s dilemma. He’s desperate to tamp down the drama, but his entire career has only taught him how to heighten the drama. You can’t spend your whole life as the messy bitch from a reality show and then suddenly say, “Can we have some decorum here, please?”
Jordan Klepper
Every time Trump says, “Talk about it less,” he says something that makes you want to talk about it more. “We have to stop talking about it. This is a man who died in prison, or so they say. You know, there’s a minute of security camera footage missing, which is very strange. I mean, how did that happen? Anyway, we’ve got to move on.”
Seth Meyers
He also has a new theory about what’s going on with those mysterious Epstein files. They were actually created by Democrats to damage him politically, which makes total sense to me. Everyone knows the number one rule when you manufacture dirt on a political opponent is: do not release it to the public!
Seth Meyers
Yeah, it’s just a Democrat hoax, a fiendish plan perfectly executed by those dastardly masterminds in the Democratic Party. You know, the guys who didn’t even know which candidate they were running five months before the election.
Seth Meyers
They, those people, manufactured a bunch of secret Epstein files, put Donald Trump’s name all over them and then, what? Instead of releasing them to hurt Trump, they just misplaced them? Is that why Chuck Schumer always has his cheaters on? He’s looking for the file?
Seth Meyers
Trump’s MAGA Meltdown
The president now finds himself in an unfamiliar spot, with many of the MAGA faithful not buying his administration’s party line on Epstein.
So, Trump is trying to make this go away, but that’s not going to be easy. Because in a new poll, just 3% of U.S. adults say they’re satisfied with the information released about Jeffrey Epstein. Three percent, which means Trump’s handling of the Epstein files has the exact same rating as Battlefield Earth does on Rotten Tomatoes.
Stephen Colbert
Trump lashed out at his own supporters who are criticizing him over the Epstein files, calling them “Weaklings who have bought into B.S. Hook, line, and sinker.” Trump hasn’t been this mad at the people he loved since McDonald’s introduced salads.
Jimmy Fallon
If you insist on asking me about Jeffrey Epstein, please turn in your MAGA hat, your golden shoes, your golden watch, your Trump golden guitar, and also immediately delete any NFTs you have of me as laser eyes, Top Gun moon man, or outer space lion tamer. Thank you for your attention to this matter.
Stephen Colbert (as Trump)
Yep, Trump’s turning on his biggest supporters. Somewhere from an undisclosed location, Mike Pence was like, “Wow, that is so out of character for him.”
Jimmy Fallon
You can’t build a brand on conspiracy theories and then get mad when people are interested in your conspiracy theories! [It’s] the same reason Hooters had to drop their short-lived ad campaign: “If you’re not here for the food, please go home.”
Stephen Colbert
Potpourri
President Trump was just seen with what looked like a large bruise on his hand that was covered with makeup… Yeah. Trump was like, “Finally. This is the cover-up everyone should be talking about.”
Jimmy Fallon
When asked yesterday about former Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro’s trial for allegedly attempting a coup, President Trump told reporters that Bolsonaro is, quote, “Not like a friend of mine. He’s somebody that I know.” Okay, but to be fair, you’ve been saying that a lot this week.
Seth Meyers
You want Matt Gaetz to investigate underage sex trafficking? I guess it makes sense in a “Game recognize game” way. I can see Matt Gaetz pulling up to R. Kelly’s house, saying, “I’m putting together a team…”
Jordan Klepper, on Lauren Boebert’s suggestion that Trump appoint Matt Gaetz special council for the Epstein affair
During a meeting today with the crown prince and prime minister of Bahrain, President Trump criticized Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell and added, “I was surprised he was appointed.” Just imagine how surprised he’ll be when he finds out who appointed him.
Seth Meyers (It was Trump who appointed Powell, during his first administration)
A woman in California said that her home is being flooded with hundreds of unwanted Amazon packages. By the way, an unwanted Amazon package is how Lauren Sanchez described her honeymoon.
Jimmy Fallon
Former presidential hopeful Vivek Ramaswamy launched a billboard ad this week in Times Square encouraging New Yorkers to flee New York before Zohran Mamdani becomes mayor. You can tell Vivek’s not from here because he put the ad in the one place where no New Yorker will ever see it.
Seth Meyers
In honor of National Hot Dog Day, the convenience store Circle K offered two roller grill hot dogs for $1, because that’s what they used to cost back when they were first placed on the roller.
Seth Meyers
Cast members from The Golden Bachelor and The Golden Bachelorette made their first appearance last night on Bachelor in Paradise. It’s the first episode of Bachelor in Paradise where the hot tub was mainly used to treat muscle aches.
Seth Meyers
New York City was hit with heavy rains this week that caused parts of the subway to flood. And frankly, it was just nice to see liquid on the subway and know where it came from.
Seth Meyers
The world’s biggest rock from Mars just sold at auction for over $5 million. Then the seller quickly picked up another rock from his backyard and said, “And this rock is from Jupiter.”
Jimmy Fallon
Former Governor Andrew Cuomo announced on Monday that he will run for mayor of New York City as an independent, in the most awkward video of all time. If he looked any more uncomfortable, he could be one of his interns.
Seth Meyers
Thursday Night on Late Night
Natasha Lyonne and Bobby Flay visit Fallon, Jelly Roll welcomes Kevin James and All-American Rejects to Kimmel, and Colbert sits down with Sen. Adam Schiff and Anthony Carrigan.
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