Tues Monologues: Musk vs. Trump Has Late Night in a Tizzy

For the second night in a row, Elon Musk dominated late-night monologues. Tonight though, it wasn’t a black-eyed Musk accepting a golden key from Donald Trump that had late-night hosts talking, it was Musk throwing some punches of his own—at the president.  

As Jimmy Kimmel put it, “Trump versus Elon. What an unexpected—I’m not sure who to root for. It’s like Diddy versus R. Kelly.”

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Elon Musk is now blasting President Trump’s big beautiful bill as “a disgusting abomination.” And that’s coming from the guy who made the Cybertruck.

Jimmy Fallon

Elon is worried that Trump’s bill will raise the deficit too high. And when Elon is worried about something getting too high, you know it’s too high.

Michael Kosta

Elon called it “massive,” “outrageous,” and “pork-filled.” And Trump was like, “I don’t know what you’re talking about, but I’ll take two.”

Jimmy Fallon

Trump has managed to restrain himself and not lash out at Elon Musk. Probably for about 288 million reasons.

Jimmy Kimmel

Yes Virginia, There is a Hurricane Season

FEMA staffers are said to have been concerned after the embattled agency’s acting chief said at a meeting Monday that he didn’t know there was a hurricane season. The agency says he was just joking, but late night isn’t so sure.

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This is the guy, David Richardson. You tell me, does this look like a guy who was joking? There’s not a funny bone in his body. He looks like Vigo the Carpathian‘s mean older brother silently watching you drown.

Jimmy Kimmel

Yeah, sure, it was a  joke. That reminds me of the time I, as a joke, sh*t my pants. Haha, it was so funny of me to do that on that airplane. Everyone was laughing and loving it.

Michael Kosta

The Department of Homeland Security, which oversees FEMA, has defended Richardson, saying, “Despite meanspirited attempts to falsely frame a joke as policy, there is no uncertainty about what FEMA will be doing this hurricane season.” Adding, “Which we all know, starts in… Mar-tober? The second week of Toyotathon?”

Stephen Colbert

I would expect Trump to hire someone who’s not qualified to handle hurricanes, but to not even know when they come? It’s almost like Trump picks his cabinet the way you select a jury. “Do you have any opinions on hurricanes? Have you ever heard of hurricanes? No? Great! You’re hired.”

Michael Kosta

Tulsi Gabbard  Looks to Fox-ify the PDB

With President Trump said to be rarely reading his daily intelligence briefing, Tulsi Gabbard is reportedly considering re-packaging it as a Fox News-style video report.

“It makes sense,” Stephen Colbert joked Tuesday night. “The best way to get information into his brain is to just put it some place he’s already looking. So they’re either going to put the top secret information on Fox News or at the bottom of a chicken bucket.”

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According to intelligence experts who have tried to brief him, the problem with Trump is that he doesn’t read. Which is appalling. Although he’s not the first president to struggle with literacy. I mean, who could forget the sign on Harry Truman’s desk: “Da glerb strks hurr.” 

Stephen colbert

Now obviously, converting the brief into a Fox News broadcast won’t be easy. To make it realistic, you have to cast someone who has sexual harassment allegations. Then, you’re going to need to find time for the three dozen ads for catheters

Michael Kosta

Potpourri

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The Department of Florida Highway Safety recently announced they will make Margaritaville themed specialty license plates. Look for them at a DUI checkpoint near you.

Seth Meyers

In honor of the upcoming National Doughnut Day, Krispy Kreme has launched a new “14 days of Original Glaze” commercial. In response, Novo Nordisk is launching “14 years of ozempic.”

Seth Meyers

Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced last week that the government would change covid vaccine guidance. Your options are now Pfizer, Moderna, or a gallon of raw yak milk.

Seth Meyers

Elon Musk says that X is about to launch their competitor to WhatsApp, called XChat. Yeah. Just a heads up, it hasn’t launched yet, so if you see XChat on your husband’s credit card bill, that’s something else.

Jimmy Fallon
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Wednesday Night on Late Night

Mark Hamill and Cristin Milioti visit The Late Show, Kimmel has Don Johnson with music from Garbage, and Miley Cyrus drops by The Tonight Show.

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