Despite past assurances from Attorney General Pam Bondi that had fueled hopes among conservative commentators and online conspiracy theorists, the Justice Department announced this week that it’s closing its Jeffrey Epstein investigation—with no new charges filed, no new disclosures, and, most pointedly, no promised client list.
Bondi, who once claimed the names were “on her desk,” now says such a list never existed. Count this week’s late-night skeleton crew among the underwhelmed.
“What? That’s it? You’re just not releasing any more information? I’ve never been ghosted by a conspiracy before.”
Ronny Chieng
“The attorney general said the client list was on her desk. Let me guess, your desk also hung itself?”
Ronny Chieng
“Pam Bondi was supposed to release the pedophile list. If we wanted an attorney general to cover up sex crimes, we would have stuck with Matt Gaetz!”
Ronny Chieng
“At this point, it’s like the only way we can learn who is a certified pedophile is if Kendrick Lamar makes a song about them.”
Ronny Chieng
The Nick Cannon Stimulus Act
Trump’s “Big Beautiful Bill” continues to dominate headlines—not just for its size, but for what’s tucked inside—as Jimmy Kimmel Live! guest host Anthony Anderson highlighted in his monologue.
“Trump has been riding high after Congress passed his ‘Big Beautiful Bill.’ This bill gives $100 billion to I.C.E., kicks 17 million Americans off their health care, and cuts food assistance for kids. At this point, the only bill that’s f*cking more young people is Belichick.”
Anthony Anderson
“One part of the bill that’s getting a lot of attention is that it gives families $1,000 for each new baby. Yes, the parents of every baby born from now through 2028 will receive $1,000. Which means our nation’s most valuable resource is Nick Cannon’s nut sac.”
Anthony Anderson
From Bibi With Love
During a Monday night visit to the White House, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu—or “Kosher Thanos,” as Ronny Chieng dubbed him last night —wasted no time kissing the ring, handing the president a copy of the Nobel Peace Prize nomination he said he’d sent on his behalf. A pleased Trump responded that it was very meaningful coming from Netanyahu.
“Yes, a peace prize nomination from Netanyahu is very meaningful. Right up there with a husband of the year nomination from O.J. Simpson.”
Ronny Chieng
“Mr. Netanyahu, let me tell you something: If you think you can get Trump to keep sending military aid to Israel by sucking up to him, well, guess what? You can expect that money in your bank account by close of business.”
Ronny Chieng
Truth+: Like Netflix, But for Uncles Who Yell at the News
Donald Trump’s media empire is expanding its footprint. On Tuesday, Trump Media launched its new global streaming service, Truth+. If you’re wondering what kind of content one might find on a Trump-branded streaming service, Anthony Anderson had a few ideas.
“Trump’s media company has just made their streaming platform Truth+ available worldwide. They also announced that Truth+ will be the first streaming network to call BET+ the N-word.”
Anthony Anderson
“In all fairness, I looked it up and they do have some great shows on Truth+. Like:
Anthony Anderson
The Amazing Racist.
Friday Night Whites.
Third Reich from the Sun.
Illegal Alien vs. Predator.
The Search for O.J.’s Gold.
Dog the Bounty Hunter’s Roadkill Kitchen.
RuPaul’s Normal Guys Dressed in Khakis Race.
Dumb [bleep] Dynasty.
and White-ish.”
Potpourri
“The measles are back. There have been over 1,200 cases of measles in the U.S. this year alone. But RFK Jr. is hoping to get that number way up.”
Anthony Anderson
“We thought we got rid of measles in the year 2000, and now it’s back. In retrospect, that’s like if Lou Bega were to return with Mambo Number 6.”
Anthony Anderson
“A senior government official says the TSA will no longer require travelers to take off their shoes at security checkpoints… Ending this policy is long overdue. It’s 2025! Terrorists don’t crash airplanes anymore. Boeing crashes airplanes.”
Ronny Chieng
“Prime Day is doing some good. This year, proceeds from every purchase you make will go to pay off that Jeff Bezos Illuminati wedding orgy.”
Anthony Anderson
“Do you need a pill for that? Because they make a pill for that.”
Ronny Chieng, on Trump saying his new Aug 1st tariffs deadline is “firm, but not 100% firm”
“Pope Leo is reportedly taking a six-week vacation. Yes. Hold on—he’s taking six weeks off? Who the hell does he think he is, Jimmy Kimmel?”
Anthony Anderson
Wednesday Night on Late Night
Chance the Rapper and Candace Parker join Anthony Anderson on Jimmy Kimmel Live, while Ronny Chieng will welcome filmmaker Lauren Greenfield to The Daily Show.
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