Late night was back in full force Monday, with Stephen Colbert, Seth Meyers, and Jimmy Fallon all returning from a two-week vacation, facing a familiar Trump-era quandary: too much news.
“I brought my phone to the beach and the notification bell was ringing so fast people thought I was looking for buried treasure,” joked Seth Meyers.
Though a newly mustachioed Colbert took some time out to address his parent company’s $16 million settlement with Donald Trump, all three returning hosts spent the lion’s share of their monologues on the brewing civil war within MAGA world—sparked by the Trump administration’s sudden reversal on releasing the Jeffrey Epstein files.
“Trump said, ‘Everyone move on. It’s a minor issue.’ And people said, ‘Exactly. It is a minor issue.’”
Jimmy Fallon
“In a post over the weekend on Truth Social, President Trump told his supporters to, quote, not waste time and energy on Jeffrey Epstein, somebody that nobody cares about. Yeah. Nobody cares about him. The guy only had, like, one friend.” [Cut to a series of photos of Epstein with Trump]
Seth Meyers
“That’s right. President Trump reprimanded his supporters on Truth Social for focusing on the Epstein files and maybe some other stuff. I only made it through chapter one. I mean, look how long this is. This is the most Trump’s written since Hooters got on Yelp.”
Seth Meyers
“The whole thing reminded me of something my grandmother used to say: if you’re ever thinking about writing 400 words about how nobody cares about Jeffrey Epstein, don’t.”
Seth Meyers
“I don’t know if Jeffrey Epstein killed himself, but I’m sure after this, some of Trump’s advisers did.”
Seth Meyers
“You can’t take this away from your base! That is MAGA’s favorite conspiracy. What are we going to find out next? That immigrants aren’t eating cats? That if you sail to the horizon you don’t fall off the world?”
Stephen Colbert
“MAGA, you heard your leader—Jeffrey Epstein is alive. That can mean only one thing! Zombie Epstein! He’s coming for our brains! And thank goodness, because I do not want to think about him anymore.”
Stephen Colbert, on Trump referring to Epstein as “a guy who never dies”
Potpourri
“Wow. Normally to get soccer fans that mad at you, you have to be a pub that doesn’t open at seven in the morning.”
Stephen Colbert, on Trump being booed at the FIFA World Cup
“They’re not booing. They’re saying, ‘The Nobel Peace Prize should go to you!’”
Seth Meyers
“Today Trump threatened very severe tariffs on Russia if they don’t agree to a Ukraine ceasefire deal within 50 days. Yep, you can tell Trump’s fed up with Putin, ’cause he didn’t invite him to his Love Island finale watch party.”
Jimmy Fallon
“Chipotle is bringing back their best-selling avocado-inspired ‘Lipotle’ lip stain. Chipotle said it’s back by popular demand, and I think I speak for everyone when I say, ‘No, it’s not.’”
Jimmy Fallon
“A thief in Massachusetts stole more than $100,000 worth of rare Pokémon cards. Trust me, the last thing you want to tell your cellmate is that you’re in prison for jacking a Squirtle.”
Jimmy Fallon
“Vice President J.D. Vance visited Disneyland over the weekend with his family. Well, that’s a good start. But I for one think he deserves even more punishment.”
Seth Meyers
“A nudist group in Pittsburgh over the weekend held its annual balls-out bowling event, where clothing is not allowed—much to the horror of Jimmy’s eighth birthday party.”
Seth Meyers
“Putting on the rented shoes was still the grossest part.”
Jimmy Fallon
“By the way, whose idea was this? We need an idea for the next nudist event? How about a sport where you bend over in front of everyone?”
Seth Meyers
“Actress Bernadette Peters cohosted the 27th annual Broadway Barks cat and dog adoption event over the weekend in Manhattan, though despite her best efforts, no theater was willing to take in Cats.”
Seth Meyers
Tuesday Night on Late Night
Russell Wilson and the cast of The Summer I Turned Pretty join Fallon, Colbert hosts Joaquin Phoenix and Megan Stalter, and Jimmy Kimmel Live guest host Chris Distefano welcomes Julie Bowen and Isaiah Hartenstein.
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