Missed Wednesday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
How Dare You Judge Me, Judge
With the beyond-pivotal 2024 presidential and congressional elections a mere five months in the offing, at least voters can take comfort in the fact that the Republican Party is taking leader Donald Trump’s 34 unanimous felony convictions with the good grace of those who believe in the core principles of democracy, law, and order. Aw, just kidding—they’re all shrieking about how, if Trump wins, he and they are going to go on a full-court authoritarian sweep of all political enemies. “Enemies” in this case being literally everyone who doesn’t share their taste for dictator boot. (As if on cue, Trump was on Fox Wednesday, flat-out saying, “I have every right to go after them,” when asked about jailing his political opponents.)
Yes, as the race to the political bottom proceeds apace, the airwaves and internet are swamped with Republicans promising prison time for those who [checks notes] respect the verdict of juries, believe in the validity of the democratic system of voting and government, and live in a world where reality doesn’t necessarily have to mesh with the vituperative rantings of a sundowning felon, adjudicated rapist, and lifelong con man. Or, as Seth Meyers summed up the situation, “Donald Trump is a convicted felon. And that’s just a fact. It’s not an exaggeration, it’s not an ad hominem attack, it’s true words. You know, fans of Trump often criticize a show like this one, saying the entirety of the material is ‘orange man bad.’ Orange man not just bad, orange man convicted by a jury of his peers.'”
“In a new interview, former President Trump credited himself for not launching a criminal investigation into Hillary Clinton while in office. Unfortunately he could never figure out which porn star she paid off.”
seth meyers
[On Trump hinting that he’d arrest Hillary Clinton for… something] “You’re gonna jail Hilary Clinton? Haven’t you done enough to this woman? It’s just like the Russian mob killing John Wick’s dog and John Wick is like, ‘You know who is going to pay for this—Hillary Clinton.'”
ronny chieng
“Trump said that if he’s reelected it’s very possible he will imprison his political opponents. When he heard, Vladimir Putin said, ‘[Sniffling] They grow up so fast.'”
jimmy fallon
[After a Fox News clip of another Republican complaining about the verdict] “That was North Dakota Governor Doug Burgum, whose name sounds like a curse word a farmer would use if a horse got loose. ‘Who left the gate open, Doug Burgum!'”
seth meyers
[After GOP Congressperson Marjorie Taylor Green said Republicans “have their heads up their ass” for not impeaching President Biden] “You may be angry about that, Marjorie, but the head-in-assers are still one of Trump’s most reliable voting blocs, along with chaos lovers, and people who hate him but hate paying taxes more.”
seth meyers
“Whoa. Take it easy on New York, Marjorie. You remember that space laser you were worried about? [Whispering] The people who run it live here.”
ronny chieng
“Donald Trump is now a convicted felon after he was found guilty of all 34 counts of falsifying business records to hide a hush money payment to an adult film star in order to defraud voters in the 2016 election. There’s not a second part to that, I just like saying the words, you know?”
seth meyers
Byron Crow
Speaking of sycophancy, potential Vice Presidential pick Byron Donalds set the world’s jaws collectively agape when he suggested that Black people were better off under Jim Crow. You know, the system of white supremacist restrictions which prevented, among other things, Black people like the Florida Representative being able to vote, let alone hold office. (Someone should also ask Donalds how he thinks he’d fare in the interracial marriage he shares with fellow Florida conservative and Moms for Liberty activist, Erika Donalds.)
“Why are all Trump’s potential VP picks insane? I never thought I would say this, but this might be a good time to take a second look at the dog murderer.”
ronny Chieng
“I know what you’re thinking, ‘How could a congressman think the Jim Crow era was good for Black families?’ But to be fair, he’s a congressman from Florida and that’s literally the title of their U.S. History textbooks.”
ronny chieng
Breaking: Old Man Old
The Wall Street Journal Wednesday published an exposé on the scandalous fact that 81-year-old President Joe Biden is, in fact, 81 years old. Citing multiple Republican sources who in no way have a stake in denigrating the President’s mental state, the conservative publication also made the startling allegation that Biden occasionally uses notes in meetings, all while ignoring the fact that 77-year-old Donald Trump increasingly exhibits off-the-rails thinking in his rambling rally speeches. (The convicted felon and GOP candidate also posted a video on Wednesday where he appeared unaware he was literally foaming at the mouth.)
“The Wall Street Journal published an article yesterday that claims President Biden seems to be slipping in private meetings. He keeps saying crazy stuff like, ‘A convicted felon is beating me in the polls.’ [Scoffing] Okay, dude.”
seth meyers
“You heard that right, ladies and gentlemen, Joe Biden is old. Which of course could disqualify him from being President. After all being old is a felony. It’s not? Pretty sure one of these guys had a bunch of felonies. Oh, it’s the other guy? 34?! And he’s old, too?”
stephen colbert
“This blockbuster lid-blower-offer also contained this little nugget, explaining that Biden is someone who ‘has both good moments and bad ones.’ In clear contrast with his opponent who only has bad ones.”
stephen colbert
“On Truth Social yesterday, former President Trump criticized President Biden for the ‘disaster he created in the Middle East.’ Created? I mean c’mon, he’s old but he’s not that old.”
seth meyers
“Still, I am confident that the Wall Street Journal knows that ‘old man is old’ is breaking news. But I’m sure they will balance that perspective in their article about their 93-year-old boss Rupert Murdoch’s wedding, ‘Young Buck Ready to F**k!'”
stephen colbert
Borderline Cruel
To be fair to President Biden, all attempts to assuage GOP calls for border security reform have been stonewalled by that party’s slavering need to hand Donald Trump a hot-button campaign issue that will appeal to his overwhelmingly white and racist base. That said, Biden’s choice to issue an executive order closing down legal asylum if seekers number 2,500 a day smacks of the incumbent Democrat chasing those same xenophobic votes.
“Yesterday, Biden signed a controversial executive order that allows the President to suspend granting immigrants asylum if the number of asylum seekers averages more than 2,500 a day. In response, they changed the poem on the Statue of Liberty to read, ‘Give us your poor, your tired, your huddled masses, up to 2,500 a day, while supplies last, only valid at participating Dairy Queens.'”
stephen colbert
“Apparently he thinks his only chance in this election is to run as both a Democrat and a Republican.”
seth meyers
Spamming the Amazon
When Elon Musk decided to deposit high-tech internet equipment smack in the midst of the hitherto isolated Amazonian Marubo tribe, there were any number of ways things could have gone. Oh wait, nope, the villagers immediately got addicted to porn.
“Yeah, yeah that’ll happen. ‘This is amazing. We can read every great work of literature, from Homer to Toni Morrison and ooh, this video’s called Jabba the Butt Stuff.'”
stephen colbert
“I’m so happy that people in the middle of the Amazon get better internet than I get with Spectrum.”
ronny chieng
Boeing to Space?
It’s been a really bad year for the Boeing corporation, what with its planes’ doors blowing off and its executives accused of covering up serious safety issues. (The fact that several would-be Boeing whistleblowers have turned up dead is the stuff of mere conspiracy theory, certainly.) However, none of that stopped the aerospace giant from finally launching a successful crewed space flight, with its Starliner rocket heading to the International Space Station, at least partly to help rectify an emergency malfunction with the station’s urine-recycling equipment.
“Boeing seems to have trouble getting to Cincinnati, should they be going to space?”
jimmy kimmel
“Today Boeing launched astronauts into space for the first time after multiple failed attempts. They were aiming for Cleveland, but still, good for them.”
jimmy fallon
[On reports that there are bags of urine littering the station] “Seriously, you think it’s rough when you forget to change the filter on your Brita.”
jimmy fallon
Potpourri
[On Fox News’ Jesse Watters’ obsessing over the idea of Trump getting buff in prison] “It’s not great when your pro-Trump talking points sound like the fifth-most popular search on PornHub.”
seth meyers
[On Wednesday’s news that Trump’s Georgia election conspiracy trial will likely join the Florida documents trial in being delayed until after the election] “Man, if Biden is weaponizing the justice system he’s doing an absolutely terrible job.”
jimmy kimmel
“Soccer star Lionel Messi recently announced a new partnership with with the makers of White Claw to launch a new sports drink. Seems like a waste of money, since most people already associate White Claw with ‘messy.'”
seth meyers
“In an effort to boost the birthrate, Tokyo is launching the first government-run dating app. That’s nice, apparently in Japan they have government benefits and government with benefits.”
jimmy fallon
“The fast food chain Wendy’s has unveiled its Saucy Nuggs. Oh, but when I do it I’m no longer welcome at Planet Fitness.”
seth meyers
[On reports that waves of joro spiders are scheduled to invade the eastern U.S. this summer] “But don’t worry because experts say the giant venomous spiders do not pose a danger to humans. So if one lands on your head, just have fun with it.”
jimmy fallon
[On the lifetime MLB gambling ban for San Diego Padres player Tucupita Marcano] “Imagine making it all the way from Venezuela, you get to the San Diego Padres, and you screw up so badly you have to move back in with your actual padre.”
jimmy kimmel
“In a new interview following his felony convictions, former President Trump said he never saw ‘a glimmer of a smile’ from the jury. He said it was like being in a room with 12 Melanias.”
seth meyers
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