Missed Tuesday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
And a Boner Shall Lead Them
Okay, let’s just all those giggles out of the way right up front: Boner, Boner Boner.
Yes, there once was a Congressman from Tennessee, who was investigated for ethics violations. (That sounds like the start of a limerick, but bear with me.) Even after resigning from Congress in 1986 to successfully run for Mayor of Nashville, the ethics report of Bill Boner‘s ties to a government contractor was still released by the House Ethics Committee because they’d done all that work and because allowing a crook to get away with crimes on a ridiculous technicality hadn’t yet become as brazenly common that any old president-elect convicted of 34 felonies could do it.
Why all the Boner talk? Well, recent Attorney General nominee , former Florida Congressman and, as Desi Lydic termed him “if wraparound shades were a person” Matt Gaetz was facing a similar (yet so much worse) ethics investigation until his abrupt resignation from the job he’d barely performed saw Republicans scrambling to cover up the damning conclusions. How damning? Well, how does paying for sex with underage girls at drug-fueled orgies and sex trafficking grab you?
That all apparently grabs evangelical scold Mike Johnson right by the sinful pecker, since Johnson, who solemnly pledged “trust and transparency” when taking the Speaker’s gavel, is now tut-tutting the idea that his sex criminal Glorious Leader’s favorite sex criminal law-boy should face repercussions. Yup, it’s the Republican Party laid bare—although perhaps that’s not the best choice of words.
“Yup, that is right. There is precedent for releasing an ethics report because of a guy named Bill Boner. Not to be confused with boner bill, which is what Matt Gaetz Venmos after a sex party.”
desi lydic
“The fact that Matt Gaetz was stupid enough to pay for sex with Venmo, that alone should be disqualifying.”
jimmy kimmel
“This is the precedent Mike Johnson can have to release the House ethics report. So Johnson, listen up. In times of need, look to Boner.”
desi lydic
“House Speaker Mike Johnson said on Friday that he would ask the Ethics Committee not to release its report on former Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz. Though I’m sure if anything is in there, it’s minor.”
seth meyers
“Bill Boner had an ethics scandal in the quaint scandal days when your scandals were financial and not pubescent.”
desi lydic
“Investigate private citizens? He became a private citizen five days ago when he resigned specifically to avoid you releasing the results of the investigation. That’s not a private citizen—someone needs to put Mike Johnson back in the tree he lives in and release that report, because the spinelessness is staggering.”
jimmy kimmel
“Mike Johnson, seriously? Your argument is that if they can investigate Matt Gaetz for having sex with an underage girl then they can investigate anyone for having sex with an underage girl, and is that really what we want as a country. Yes! Yes, we want that! That is what we want.”
desi lydic
“Also, you’ve violating your principle of transparency to defend the guy accused of throwing sex parties? You? A man who wears a blindfold during sex so that he doesn’t accidentally see his own penis?”
desi lydic
“Matt Gaetz, also known as the Caucasian Diddy, is in the hot seat right now.”
jimmy kimmel
“Your future Attorney General, everyone. It’s always the people you most expect.”
desi lydic
[On reports that Gaetz transported two sex workers to watch him on Fox News in New York—and then took them to see Pretty Woman: The Musical] “Taking two prostitutes to see Pretty Woman? It’s a little on the nose, wasn’t it? I guess High School Musical was sold out?”
desi lydic
“Taking a woman that you pay for sex to see Pretty Woman. It’s like taking a giraffe to the zoo.”
jimmy kimmel
“The worst part is that he apparently took them to watch him on Fox News. God, I hope they charged him extra for that. ‘It’s $1,000 for butt stuff and $2,000 if I have to look at Brit Hume.'”
desi lydic
“One of the women said she had sex with Gaetz on an air hockey table, which would explain why his hair is always blowing straight up.”
jimmy kimmel
[On GOP Rep. Markwayne Mullin, a former contemptuous Geatz critic, flubbing a line in hisTrump-dictated, Gaetz-supporting script] “You do your dill diligence, you dill-do.”
jimmy kimmel
[On GOP Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene straight-up publicly attempting to blackmail her Republican colleagues into supporting Gaetz, threatening to reveal all the terrible dirt she has on all of them] “She’s specifically saying, ‘If you reveal what an unfit, corrupt, sleazy dirtbag Matt Gaetz is, so help me God, I’ll let the voters know that you are too.’ Okay. I agree with the bleach-blonde, bad built, butch body, put everything out there.”
jimmy kimmel
Secretary Tee-Vee Box
Look, Mike Judge’s Idiocracy has become such a go-to metaphor when it comes to Americans’ increasingly stupid elevation of media types to positions of power they are in no way qualified for. But, c’mon, man. It’s tough not to look at that 2006 satire and think that 2024 America is now the first draft that Judge ditched for being too on the nose.
Sure, we may not have a former professional wrestler as president, but we do have a current WWE Hall of Famer as one. And that guy just nominated the former CEO of a professional wrestling company (whose husband is coincidentally also a many-times indicted serial adulterer accused of sexual assault) to be Secretary of Education. And Donald Trump did just nominate another Fox News figure named Sean Duffy to be Secretary of Transportation, since the former GOP Congressman was also a longtime star of reality TV series’ The Real World—and Road Rules. (The latter joke writes itself.)
There’s the other Fox News host whose white supremacist ink and documented accusations of sexual assault and serial adultery haven’t hurt his chance to be Secretary of Defense. And the failed GOP candidate and infamous TV medical huckster Dr. Oz, just named Trump’s nominee to oversee everything from Medicare and Medicaid to the Affordable Care Act. (For MAGA voters who depend on the Democrat-created health insurance marketplace, that’s also known as Obamacare, which is why you suddenly decided you hate it.)
Yes, it’s truly the Big Brother house of fringe political D-listers, vapid TV ass-kissers, dangerously unqualified zealots, accused and convicted sex criminals, and the occasional fake combat sports figurehead of Republican voters’ dreams, I guess. It’s also what you get when your party’s leader is a sundowning, praise-starved narcissist whose only criteria for entry into the halls of unthinkable power is whether or not they flatter him enough on the tee-vee.
“It really is like a season of Dancing With the Stars. Today our Celebrity Appresident nominated Dr. Oz to be in charge of Medicaid and Medicare. And Linda McMahon, the soon to be ex wife of Vince McMahon, as the nominee for Secretary of Education. What the WWF is going on here?”
jimmy kimmel
“Okay so he’s still just picking people he sees on TV. Next up, the head of Amtrak goes to Thomas the Tank Engine.”
stephen colbert
“Today, President-Elect Trump picked Dr. Oz to run the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services. Now keep in mind, Donald Trump thinks Dr. Oz is one of the characters in Wicked.”
jimmy fallon
“I didn’t know winning TV awards qualified you to administer our medical system. I’ve never heard anyone yell, ‘This man’s having a heart attack! Quick, does anyone here have an Outstanding Achievement in Formative Daytime Talk?'”
stephen colbert
[On Mehmet Oz potentially being in charge of Healthcare.gov] “Which under Dr. Oz would be replaced with 10tipstoblastbellyfat.biz.”
stephen colbert
“He hired the guy from Road Rules to be Secretary of Transportation. Of course he did, the word ‘road’ is right in there.”
jimmy kimmel
[To those claiming that Duffy is unqualified just because he has no experience with the transportation industry whatsoever] “Oh really? Have you forgotten that Mr. Duffy also served a full term on Road Rules: All Stars?”
stephen colbert
“Maybe he’ll nominate one of the Teen Moms to be Secretary of Labor.”
jimmy kimmel
“Again, everyone with a TV show gets a job. Where’s my job offer? Let’s make a deal. I will stop talking about you all together if I get an ambassadorship. But I mean a good one. I’m talking any country mentioned in the song “Kokomo.” I mean, Bermuda, Bahama… I’d be willing to be ambassador to Come On Pretty Mama.”
stephen colbert
[On Oz’s debunked touting of miracle cure colloidal silver, which among other side effects, turned people blue] “So seniors, you may lose your Medicare, but maybe your grandkids will wanna visit Nana Smurf.”
stephen colbert
[On Trump’s Defense pick Pete Hegseth admitting he paid off a woman who claims he raped her] “Okay, is that just a requirement for working in the Trump administration? It is the only place where the job application says, ‘Have you ever committed a crime?’ ‘No,’ or ‘Hell yeah, pimp!'”
stephen colbert
[On Hegseth admitting that he did have sex with the woman he paid off and then forced to sign an NDA] “Not usually the sign of a great date. ‘Hey, I had so much fun at dinner. Do you want to come upstairs? And then sign an affidavit saying that you never did that?'”
stephen colbert
[On Hegseth claiming he only paid off the woman he’s accused of raping because he didn’t want to get fired from Fox News] “And you cannot give Pete Hegseth the axe. He’ll use it to kill somebody.”
stephen colbert
[On Hegseth’s lawyers defending their client by claiming he was drunk] “Therefore, innocent. That’s what they call pleading the fifth of vodka.”
stephen colbert
[On Caroline Kennedy, U.S. Ambassador to Australia and cousin to newly nominated Health and Human Services head RFK Jr. calling his anti-vaxxer views “dangerous”] “Relatable. Who among us doesn’t have a cousin with a dangerous view on vaccines.”
seth meyers
[On disbarred former Trump lawyer Rudy Giuliani having to turn over his watch collection as part of the settlement with two Georgia election workers he defamed for nonexistent election fraud] “Oh no, not the watches. How will he know when it’s five o’clock somewhere?”
seth meyers
[On far-right Oklahoma school superintendent (and inevitable Trump nominee) Ryan Walters ordering public schools to display one of the $60 Trump-branded bibles he made the state purchase] “Yes, because Bibles always make places more holy. That’s why only wholesome stuff happens in hotels. Those stains are from praying. Get out a black light and you can see the Holy Ghost.”
stephen colbert
“President Biden yesterday released a statement condemning a neo-Nazi march in Columbus, Ohio, while Trump released a statement offering cabinet positions.”
seth meyers
“If Trump can’t get his nominees confirmed through the Senate, his team is considering recess appointments. Recess is where Congress temporarily suspends its proceedings. Also where Matt Gaetz finds his girlfriends. Allegedly.”
jimmy kimmel
AstroNazis
Elon Musk invited new best buddy to watch one of his big, shiny private rockets take off. It did not explode this time.
“Trump attended the launch to get a better sense of SpaceX technology, and also to see how viable it would be to launch Don Jr. up there too.”
jimmy kimmel
“Yup, Elon invited Trump to see his rocket. It’s a big deal—that’s billionaire third base.”
jimmy fallon
“The real winner in all this is Melania because she doesn’t have to go anywhere with him any more.”
jimmy kimmel
Potpourri
“NBC has announced that Craig Melvin will be the new co-host of the Today show, narrowly beating out this bottle of sauvignon blanc.”
seth meyers
[On New York City experiencing its first drought in 20 years] “It’s kind of upsetting because that means all the puddles in the city now are man made.”
jimmy fallon
“You can tell we’re in the middle of a drought. Today the Mob tossed a snitch into the East River. He just stood up and walked away.”
jimmy fallon
“The U.S. Postal Service has unveiled new stamps that will feature comedy legend Betty White. Now you young people might not remember, but a stamp is like a sticker that you put on mail to pay for its delivery.”
seth meyers
“There are a lot of folks feeling anxious about our country, but not me. I’m on a lot of medication.”
stephen colbert
“The restaurant chain IHOP announced this week that it is the official breakfast partner of XBOX. While Waffle House remains the official breakfast partner of meth.”
seth meyers
“Wicked will have some special singalong screenings in theaters. Not to be outdone, they’re gonna have some grunt-along screening for Gladiator 2.”
jimmy fallon
“Authorities in Michigan recently raided a home and seized firearms, drugs, and an alligator. The owner is being charged with one count of attempted Florida.”
seth meyers
[On an Italian town offering $1 homes for Americans fleeing this nightmare] “Okay but do you really want your town to be overrun by liberal Americans? Think of your poor baristas: “Um, no capita, you wanna oat milk? How you milk the oat?'”
stephen colbert
“Beyoncé announced that she will perform at the halftime show of the first ever Netflix Christmas Game Day. I don’t want to spoil anything but here’s a sneak peak of what that will look like: [image of Netflix loading screen stuck at 99 percent].”
seth meyers
[On the New York DA proposing that Donald Trump not be sentenced on his 34 felony counts of defrauding the electorate over his affair with a porn star until after he leaves office] “Four indictments, 34 felonies, an insurrection, the fake electors, the find me 11,000 votes call, the classified documents in the mens room—he got away with all of it. It’s like Shawshank without the Redemption.”
jimmy kimmel
“I’ve gotta say, for a criminal mastermind who weaponized the Justice Department against Donald Trump, Joe Biden really dropped the ball on this one.”
jimmy kimmel
“A so-called full beaver moon was visible last week, a phenomenon that hasn’t been seen since the ’70’s.”
seth meyers
“Spirit Airlines yesterday filed for bankruptcy, so if you had a flight booked on Spirit, I have even more bad news.”
seth meyers
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