Tues Night Monologues: Trump’s Musical Meltdown

Missed Tuesday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.

Hey Mister DJ… You Okay, Dude?

It was a tale of two presidential candidates’ medical condition on Monday. For her part, Kamala Harris’ doctor gave the Democratic candidate a clean bill of health as she prepares for the prospect of leading the free world. Meanwhile, Donald Trump (perhaps unable to find a single medical professional to sign off on the egregiously phony diagnosis his campaign staffers wrote) decidedly did not.

But Trump gave prospective voters something even more illuminating than those cognitive tests where the 78-year-old conspiracy theorist who routinely trails off at rallies when not ranting about solar power not working when it’s cloudy loves to brag about. (“Which one is the whale?,” is a tricky question, to be fair.) At a town hall in the pivotal swing state of Pennsylvania, candidate Trump took a handful of questions from the crowd, giving him an opportunity to do his usual schtick about immigrants “poisoning the blood of our nation” and whatnot, before several people fainted in the crowd.

After a pause for medical professionals to check on the afflicted (and a catty aside from Trump about whether anyone else was going to interrupt him), Trump then… deejayed? Telling the increasingly confused crowd that a Q&A three weeks before election day was no time for silly questions about policy, Trump called for his team to play “Ave Maria.” And then another version of “Ave Maria.” And eventually a full 39 minutes more of hand-picked Trump favorites all while moderator and “noted puppy assassin” (Jimmy Kimmel’s words) Kristi Noem stared on in panicky disbelief when not desperately attempting to mirror Trump’s lurching dance moves to prove that everything was totally normal. Attendees watched as Trump himself weaved, bobbed, and conducted the impromptu forced listening party with a deeply unsettling, absent smile on his face. As Stephen Colbert termed it, the whole bewildering spectacle was like “the world’s saddest bar mitzvah.”

The incident—or episode, if you will—drew immediate attention to the whole medical records thing and prompted several Democrats including the Harris campaign to ask variations of, “You okay?” It was a deeply strange and telling scene—even stranger than you might imagine if you haven’t watched the entire debacle online—and one that prompted The Daily Show‘s Desi Lydic to ponder, “I literally have no idea what just happened. I don’t know if he’s on edibles or I’m on edibles. I’m just kidding, I know I’m on edibles.”

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“I just wanna say, I’ve been watching elections pretty closely during my TV career. This Thursday will be 19 years since the start of doing a late-night show. So by now I think I have the experience and discernment to say, with the deepest gravity, last night’s Trump town hall was bananapants-boo-boo-bonkers.”

stephen colbert

[On Trump asking if anyone else wants to faint, right after two of his supporters fainted] “‘Anybody else want to pull focus with their medical emergency? Get it out of the way?'”

desi lydic

“Calm down Donald, no one was trying to faint. Trust me, no one wants to have a medical emergency in front of Kristi Noem. She’s just looking for an excuse to take you to the gravel pit. She cocked her shotgun when she heard Kamala had allergies.” 

desi lydic

“He played music and kind of did that baby toddler jumping dance that he does for a full 39 minutes.” 

jimmy kimmel

“Wow, ‘Ave Maria,’ huh? You sure you don’t want to get the crowd hyped with some Gregorian chants?”

desi lydic

“I’m not so sure ‘Ave Maria’ is the song you want to play when someone’s condition is unclear because they are unconscious on the floor. ‘All right, can we put on ‘Ave Maria?’ And tell you what, let’s get some coins on his eyes so he can pay the ferryman on the river Styx. I hope he’s okay, but just in case, pull out his brains through his nose with a silver hook and then rinse his body with wine and spices and start packing his cavities with salt.'”

stephen colbert

“Why does Trump know so much about ‘Ave Maria?’ Was it used in a McDonald’s commercial?”

desi lydic

“‘Ave Maria’ again. C’mon, c’mon, at least switch up your sad music. At least give ‘em ‘Danny Boy’ or maybe this cheerful tune [Pac Man dying sound.]”

stephen colbert

“Man, he really loves that song. Who’s gonna tell him it’s about a virgin?”

desi lydic

“And look at poor Kristi Noem. I gotta say, this is the most I’ve ever related to her. ‘Cause we have all been in a situation where a guy mansplains his Spotify playlist to you.”

desi lydic

“Now, watching an elderly man sway to Vatican elevator music for 40 minutes might make you wonder, ‘Is he okay?'”

stephen colbert

“I love how everybody’s always criticizing Kamala for not being specific with her policies. Meanwhile, Trump’s like, ‘Shh-shh-shh, no questions, no talking. We’re just gonna vibe for a while.'”

desi lydic

“He just stood there swaying like a manatee tangled in seaweed.”

jimmy kimmel

[As Joe Biden after a montage of Trump’s silent solo dance party] “‘What the f**k, Jack? You sonsabitches kicked me out of the race for being too old and crazy? That guy’s doing the dayroom shuffle to ‘November Rain.'”

stephen colbert
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[After Noem unsuccessfully tried to steer Trump back, only for him to segue right into ‘YMCA’] “Probably a good idea to shut down questions since I’m pretty sure the next one would have been, ‘Uh, sir—what the f**k is going on?'”

desi lydic

[After Trump brushed off Noem’s attempt to “get grandpa back on track” (Colbert’s words) by calling for “a couple of really beauties” (Trump’s words)] “Oh boy. You know who didn’t want to hear a couple of really beauties? Trump’s staff. Because at one point his teleprompter read—and this is real—’Please do two more questions before music.’ ‘Okay, okay, fine. I see the thing up there. I’ll do two more questions. Okay, question number one: How many more versions of ‘Ave Maria’ are there? And two: Why aren’t there more?'”

stephen colbert

“Why remain on stage for 30 minutes? Just pretend it was one of Don Jr.’s piano recitals and leave.” 

jimmy kimmel

“Trump closed out the event with some handshaking to another beloved song, ‘Memory,’ which of course is from his favorite musical, They’re Eating the Cats!

stephen colbert

“I want you to imagine a world in which Kamala Harris just stood there at a rally and said nothing, just danced around for almost 40 minutes. Fox News would have—they would have blocked out a full week to cover it. It would have been like the O.J. chase meets 9/11 all at once.” 

jimmy kimmel

[On Trump reminding his supporters to go out and vote—on January 5th] “You know what, I tell you what. It’s rare that I agree with Donald Trump, but I’m a big enough man to admit when I do. I’m with him on this one. So to all of his supporters, please… do not forget to vote on January 5th.”

stephen colbert

[On Republican sycophant Mike Johnson’s excuses as to why Trump doesn’t have to release his medical records] “I’m sorry, Donald Trump ‘has more strength and stamina than any politician in history?’ I’d put a hundred bucks on Jimmy Carter taking Trump in a push-up contest today.” 

desi lydic

[On Trump’s claim that he has “put out more Medical Exams than any other President in History” (caps Trump’s)] “First of all—no you haven’t. Second of all, just because you were healthy in the past doesn’t mean you’re still healthy now. ‘Oh am I pre-diabetic? I don’t know. Why don’t you ask this urine sample from January of 1996.'”

stephen colbert

“This guy, he wasn’t healthy enough to be in the military during the draft, but 60 years later he’s the healthiest man alive.” 

jimmy kimmel

Now, To Be Fair…

Kamala Harris also exhibited some pretty alarming medical symptoms this week—in the form of some, to Trump, disqualifying itching and sniffling. That’s right, voters, Kamala Harris… has hay fever. Trump, right before his onstage fugue state, posted an attack on Harris’ diagnosis of “allergic rhinitis and allergic conjunctivitis” (aka season allergies necessitating, I’m guessing, a Claratin?), calling her condition, “dangerous and messy,” while warning, “These are deeply serious conditions that clearly impact her functioning.”

So Trump can cross the allergic-but-powering-through voting bloc off his supporters list, joining [checks said list] women, disabled people, LGBTQ+ people, Haitians, Jews, Muslims, auto workers, Detroiters, Iowans, former POWs and other veterans, immigrants, Mexicans, non-white people of any ethnicity, democracy enthusiasts, and anybody not 100 percent cool with legally adjudicated rapists whose longtime wingman is the most infamous child sex trafficker in recent history.

“You can’t be President with hay fever. What if the Russians bombard the White House with hay? My God, you’d have to bring in Seal Team Zyrtec.”

jimmy kimmel

“Oh my God! She has allergic rhinitis and conjunctivitis, the medical term for hay fever? Is there a priest on call? She doesn’t have long!”

desi lydic

“‘Imagine this. Kamala is meeting with the Saudi ambassador. She sneezes. He says ‘Bless you’—Boom, she’s a Muslim. It’s true, it could happen. That’s how they got Obama.'”

stephen colbert

“That is how healthy Kamala Harris is. Donald Trump is reduced to calling her allergies ‘a very messy and dangerous situation.’ Although in fairness to Trump it’s a woman sneezing, so that makes it more disgusting. A sneeze is the period of the face.”

desi lydic

[On Harris support revealing that she sometimes gets a skin rash] “Trump actually knows a lot about skin conditions. He suffers from having the thinnest skin of any person ever.” 

jimmy kimmel

“Now we all know that Donald Trump suffers from epidermal fragility but we don’t know anything more because he’s never released his medical records.”

desi lydic

Tossing Chum in the Late-Night Ocean

Appearing on his favorite bro podcast for bros, Donald Trump once more showed off that epidermal fragility by going after those meanie late-night hosts who keep pointing out all the idiotic, terrible, and terribly idiotic things he does and says. Trump specifically targeted frequent critic Jimmy Kimmel, which really suggests he doesn’t get what makes the Jimmy Kimmel Live host tick.

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[On Trump’s claims that “I did him a lot,” referring to his pre-politics three Jimmy Kimmel Live appearances over the years] “Maybe confusing me with Stormy Daniels, I don’t know.”

jimmy kimmel

[On Trumps’ repeated claim that Kimmel used to slavishly greet him on the sidewalk outside the studio before every appearance] “And by every time, he means no times. He loves telling this made up story. Never did I ever stand on the sidewalk to greet Donald Trump. Or any guest, never happened. You guys here in the studio have been out on that sidewalk, you think I’m going out there? No way.”

jimmy kimmel

“The only time I’ve ever walked out on the sidewalk for Donald Trump was to urinate on his star on the Walk of Fame.” 

jimmy kimmel

Potpourri

“We get a lot of people watching this show on YouTube from around the world, and for those who are watching from another country right now—Please, come help us.” 

jimmy kimmel

[On Trump’s fumbling weekend rally reference to Assyrians as something akin to “Ass-your-Asians”] “I can’t believe Trump is inventing new races, he doesn’t even like the old ones.”

desi lydic

[After Trump complained about Kamala Harris’ upcoming interview with Fox News’ Bret Baier, saying she should sit down with a more “hard-hitting” Fox journalist] “He’s right, Fox has plenty of hard-hitting journalist to pick from. There’s Laura Ingraham, Sean Hannity, and the puppet from Saw. ‘And now over to Sam with the weather, which I have buried in his abdomen.'”

stephen colbert

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