
The contentious conformation hearings for Donald Trump’s Defense Secretary pick Pete Hegseth dominated Tuesday night’s late-night monologues, as hosts dove into Democratic lawmakers’ attacks on Hegseth’s qualifications and long history of sexual and workplace impropriety, while Republicans rallied to defend him. Meanwhile, Starbucks is now charging to use the bathroom. Here’s our round-up of the night’s best lines from across the dial.
Jordan Klepper
The Daily Show‘s Jordan Klepper led the late-night charge to comically vet a former Fox News weekend talk show host facing multiple otherwise disqualifying scandals. Klepper had plenty to work with is what we’re saying, although nothing he said on Tuesday was as pointed as questions from Virginia Senator Tim Kaine, who mocked Hegseth’s solemn pledge to uphold the Constitution (and not show up to work under the influence) by citing Hegseth’s history of violating his multiple wedding vows.
“Whoa, Tim Kaine went full Maury Povich out there,” Klepper marveled, even as he described the nominee as “the dude who makes sure everyone at the frat house has their story straight.” The hearing itself was a study in contrasts between Democrats pointing out Hegseth’s inadequacy to head the most powerful and complex military in the world and Republicans asking queries like, “How many push-ups can you do?” The more than four-hour hearing was so packed with material that Klepper could barely contain his enthusiasm for the punch lines. As he put it when Hegseth fumbled while attempting to name his kids from multiple marriages, “No biggie! My dad was always mixing up me and my siblings’ names, and he launched perfectly successful counter-offensive rapid-deployment amphibious incursions into Iran all the time.”
Taking on Republicans’ tactics to prop up Donald Trump’s nominee, Klepper responded to GOP Senator Markwayne Mullin (R-OK) defending Hegseth’s history of drunken infidelity as him being just one of the Capitol Hill gang by stating, “‘Look, we’re all piece of sh*t here! Let he without an Ashley Madison premium account cast the first stone!'”
As for Hegseth’s unconvincing attempts to walk back his most disqualifying statements and history of on-the-job alcohol abuse, Klepper was likewise unsparing. Playing a montage of Hegseth promising the military under his command would be a “meritocracy,” Klepper deadpanned agreement, noting, “A military cannot function unless it’s staffed by a system based on pure merit, where only the most qualified people rise to the top. So says the next Secretary of Defense, who will run the most complicated, powerful, deadly organization the world has ever known. And whose only qualification is that Trump liked watching him sit on a couch on Saturday mornings.”
Stephen Colbert
The Hegseth hearing was on Stephen Colbert’s mind as well, with the Late Show host bringing up those on-the-job drinking allegations, listing Hegseth’s “allegations of excessive drinking both after work and at work—otherwise known as always.” He also echoed Tim Kaine in bringing up the letter written by Hegseth’s own mother condemning his treatment of women, mimicking the maternal burn by noting, “Oh, you think you can run the military? That’s not what your mom said last night!”
Low blows? Well, with a TV personality with no experience and multiple damning allegations on his flimsy resumé, Colbert wasn’t playing nice. After a clip of Markwayne Mullin ending his red-faced defense of Hegseth’s sins with the awkward, “Tell me a joke!,” Colbert was at the ready. “I got one. A drunk, a cheating husband, an an accused sexual predator walk into a bar and the bartender says, ‘Table for one, Mr. Hegseth?'”
Colbert also brought up the far-too-late release of special counsel Jack Smith’s damning report on the Justice Department’s now defunct case against Trump for trying to overturn the 2020 election. Engaging in some gallows humor, Colbert stated emphatically, “Boom! When people find out what Trump did, his chances of being reelected two months ago are gonna be pretty slim.” He also noted that Smith’s report will form the basis of Marvel’s new animated series, What If…? Anything Mattered Anymore, and, referencing the multiple death threats Smith has received for doing his job, lamented the fact that witness protection will have a tougher time coming up with an alias more nondescript than ‘Jack Smith.'”
Explaining his mindset going into a second Trump term, Colbert mused, “It feels like we’re all James Bond strapped to the table and the laser is inching toward our crotch,” before jumping on the night’s subplot by mocking remaining Village People member Victor Willis for jumping onto the Trump train for the inauguration. Noting how the 70’s rockers sued to make Trump stop using “YMCA” in 2020, Colbert joked, “Evidently, the band is trying to go in a new direction, and that direction is toward money.”
He also mocked Willis’ convincing-nobody denial that the band was ever all-in celebrating the gay lifestyle, citing the band’s 1978 album Cruisin’, along with its “hetero hits,” “Hot Cop,” “My Roommate,” and “I’m a Cruiser” as 100 percent justification for Willis’s threat to sue anyone who refers to noted anti-LGBTQ figure Donald Trump’s favorite dance track as a gay anthem.
Jimmy Kimmel
In his second night back while his city continues to battle devastating wildfires, Jimmy Kimmel continued his support of both firefighters and those displaced by the disaster, once again spotlighting Wold Central Kitchen volunteers and directing viewers to join his food and supply collection efforts outside his show’s Hollywood studio.
After excoriating Republicans for mocking, belittling, and smearing Angelinos’ plight in last night’s return, Kimmel advised his studio audience to disregard any smoke smells on Tuesday, since Snoop Dogg joined him on Monday. He also mocked the flood of misinformation surrounding the disaster, referencing the TikTok rumor about “elites” setting the fires to cover up imprisoned accused sex criminal Diddy’s secret evidence tunnels. As Kimmel joked over a map of the afflicted areas, “These bonehead elites somehow managed to burn everything but Diddy’s house.”
On to Pete Hegseth, with Kimmel deploying the delicate comic pause while noting of Tuesday’s hearing, “Hegseth was hammered… by Democrats.” Bringing up Hegseth being forced out of two separate veterans charities for alleged sexual misconduct, drunkenness, and financial shadiness, Kimmel could only marvel, “In other words, just the dude you want in charge of an $800 billion budget and the security of the free world.”
Calling out Republicans for being “so scared of Donald Trump,” Kimmel accused the assembled members of the GOP of “circle-jerking the wagons” around the embattled former TV host. Especially Markwayne Mullin’s furious defense, concluding with that “Tell me a joke” would-be zinger. “Oh, you got so close,” comedian Kimmel sympathized. “Sticking the landing, it’s the hardest part.”
Moving on to Jack Smith’s report on Donald Trump’s crimes, Kimmel, like Colbert, could only scoff, “It’s a mountain of evidence. It details the unconstitutional and criminal behavior we all already knew he did when we reelected him.” He also noted that there’s so much evidence that Tuesday’s release comprises just the first half of Smith’s findings, explaining that, like Cher’s autobiography, there’s just too much salacious stuff to fit on one book.
The Village People being in the news more than they ever were in their heyday left Kimmel to join in the chorus of those rolling their eyes at sole original band member Victor Willis’ denial that the proudly gay band was ever gay. (Among other evidence, Kimmel showed the band shooting the “YMCA” music video in front of legendary New York gay club The Ramrod.)
Mocking Willis’ threat to sue news outlets who refer to Trump’s favored dance jam as a gay anthem, Kimmel accepted Willis’ challenge, promising to only refer to the “YMCA” going forward as “the gayest anthem of all time.”
Capping off inauguration news by listing the musicians lined up to play Trump’s big day, Kimmel laughed, “It is fun to know that Elon Musk has paid a billion dollars now for front seats at a Village People concert.”
Seth Meyers
Seth Meyers will likely have plenty to say on Wednesday about Donald Trump’s Tuesday social media attack, in which the president-elect referred to the Late Night host as “Marble Mouth Meyers” while pledging to use the presidency to punish NBC owner Comcast for all the times Meyers made fun of him. For Tuesday, however, Meyers was content to continue his usual sniping around the periphery of the incoming Trump administration.
Mocking the fact that Trump’s Monday inauguration will be headed by a performance by the remnants of Trump’s favorite 1970’s-era costumed (and LGBTQ-celebrating) camp rockers The Village People, Meyers joshed, “It will be the first time Trump has ever paid a construction worker on time.”
Moving on to the brewing battle between equally reviled Trump advisors Steve Bannon and Elon Musk, Meyers mused, “You know what they say, the enemy of my enemy is my friend—unless it’s Steve Bannon.” He then took on companies’ rush to donate to Trump’s inauguration by noting how Google put up a million dollars, while explaining, “And this is nice, Bing ponied up fifty bucks.”
Jimmy Fallon
While it’s unlikely Donald Trump will pay as much attention to The Tonight Show‘s relatively mild jokes at his expense in the coming years, infamous hair-ruffler Jimmy Fallon on Tuesday took a few moderately pointed swipes at the incoming president.
Of course, he also took the opportunity to mine the “Joe Biden is old” vein for all it has left, noting of Biden’s Wednesday farewell address, “Biden will say goodbye to the nation while the nation will say, ‘Oh wow, you’re still here?'”
As for what comes after, Fallon referred to Donald Trump’s on the record hints of an unconstitutional desire to serve past his second term by stating of Biden’s speech, “Based on who’s taking office on Monday, it might be a while before we see another farewell address.” He also made reference to the billionaire business leaders marching in lockstep to support an incoming administration which has promised even more massive tax cuts for the rich, Fallon summing up the inauguration plans of CEO’s Mark Zuckerberg, Jeff Bezos, and Elon Musk as, “‘Should we drive separately or carpool in one penis-shaped spaceship?'”
On to the looming ban facing TikTok (which routinely provides Tonight Show monologue material), with Fallon noting how angry users are fleeing to another Chinese-owned site in Red Note, even though the site’s text is currently in Chinese. “That’s right,” said Fallon, “Americans would literally rather learn Mandarin than use Instagram Reels.” Speculating on the response from TikTok rivals, Fallon, joked, “American tech companies are like, ‘Hey, we also spy on you!'”
Moving to more pressing matters, Fallon joked about Starbucks’ new policy requiring people to purchase something in order to use its formerly free-for-all bathrooms. Noting that competitor Dunkin’ has no such rule, Fallon told needy viewers, “Actually, the CEO of Dunkin’ said, ‘Anybody can come in but you gotta punch the biggest guy in here to establish yourself.'”
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