On an especially taxing Tax Day, the three late-night hosts on duty this week had plenty to talk about, from Trump defying the Supreme Court to Harvard defying Trump. Here’s our Tuesday night monologues roundup.
Ronny Chieng
The Daily Show was the first to dig into the ongoing constitutional crisis Tuesday. You know, the one where Donald Trump and his administration are laughing off a Supreme Court order that he bring back Kilmar Abrego Garcia, the Maryland dad who was “accidentally deported to the mega-prison in El Salvador,” as Chieng put it. Not that Trump and his officials aren’t getting cranky about having to answer questions about it.
“This is like every customer service call I’ve ever been on. ‘Oh, I’m sorry, this is billing. You’re looking for technical support, let me transfer you.’ ‘Hello, this is technical support. Oh, you need billing.’ Can somebody just help me cancel my f*cking cable? Except for Comedy Central, which is a vital service for society.”
on Trump and Salvadoran president bukele both passing the buck on returning garcia
“You asked a question, man. You can’t be mad that they’re trying to answer you. It’s like if a teacher said, ‘Okay class, who can tell me the capital of Norway? Anyone? Anyone? I said shut the f*ck up! Now answer the question! I said shut up!'”
on trump adviser stephen miller’s snippiness
“Seriously, this guy has no criminal record at all. If he’s a terrorist, he might be the worst terrorist ever. I mean, he’s been in America for 14 years and he hasn’t done any terrorism. Maybe Trump is right and immigrants really are lazy.”
on right wing attempts to smear garcia
“What is happening here? I mean, this is America. We don’t just send someone to prison without evidence. We plant the evidence on them, it’s called due process.”
With Trump continuing to flout convention (and the constitution), Chieng noted resistance coming from both an unlikely congressional source and from the most exclusive college in the land.
“Good for the Senator for what he’s doing, but it’s got to be at least a little disappointing for Garcia. He’s like, ‘Someone’s coming to break me out of prison? Is it Seal Team 6? Is it the guy from Prison Break with the tattoos? No, it’s me, Maryland Senator Chris Van Hollen!'”
on Van hollen’s plan to go to el salvador to support garcia
“This is a trap! It’s a trap, do not go. He’s gonna go there and the prison guards are gonna be like, ‘Oh, yeah yeah sure, Senator, he’s right inside that cell over there. Yeah, go on in—all the way in the back there…'”
“Holy sh*t, we finally found a force more powerful than Trump’s hatred, Harvard’s love of sending rejection letters.”
on harvard university refusing to knuckle under to trump’s call for anti-diversity censorship
“Look, I don’t usually root for Harvard because, well, they’re Harvard. They’ve got everything. It’s like rooting for Jeff Bezos to win the lottery.”
Stephen Colbert
Colbert, like Chieng, took up the banner of Kilmar Abrego Garcia, stressing to viewers that the Maryland father’s imprisonment and subsequent smearing by a president is just the thin edge of the would-be dictatorial wedge.
“Already? I don’t know what to wear! A jumpsuit? Oh, do I have a choice? Oh, it’s a jumpsuit.”
on the atlantic announcing “the constitutional crisis is here”
“Have some patience, we’ve all done it. You mean to send an email to just one guy in accounting and instead you kidnap a man and send him to a prison in El Salvador.”
on the trump administration admitting garcia’s kidnapping was due to “administrative error”
“Keep in mind these are court orders, not court suggestions. The Supreme Court has to have more power than the bathroom sign that says employees must wash hands. ‘Cause you know Trump ignores that sign. He’s heading back to the table and dipping his pee-pee fingers right in the chicken bucket.”
“So the point is, Trump wants to arrest people without due process, in defiance of the Supreme Court. And also wants to include American citizens. We’re not on our way to a dictatorship, we’re on the ship with old tater-dick.”
“Regardless of your politics, those aren’t your politics. The only people who thrive in a dictatorship are the dictator and the fine folks at Carl’s Unmarked Windowless Van and Head-Sized Bag Depot.”
Colbert joined in the praise for Harvard, which rebuked Trump’s order to, among other things, eliminate all diversity programs and report foreign-born students’ activism.
“Hey Trump administration: now you’re just like the rest of us, because you just got rejected by Harvard.”
“Dorm RAs were already drunk on power. This would only make them worse. ‘Uh, you guys, you’re not allowed to microwave popcorn in the common areas—I could send you all to El Salvador, okay?’
“But I’m guessing Harvard can weather this storm because they’ve been around for way longer than this country. In fact, Harvard was founded in 1636. Of course, back then the only majors they offered were Latin grammar, intro to leechcraft, and witch kindling.”
April 15th was a good news-bad news sort of day otherwise, with both MLB’s Jackie Robinson Day and Tax Day garnering people’s attention.
“If you’re watching this live at home, you have 20-ish minutes to get your taxes in before the deadline. And if you’re an IRS worker, you have recently been fired, I’m sorry about that.”
“On an inspiring note, today Major League Baseball celebrated Jackie Robinson Day. Yeah, we’re celebrating it and, thanks to the Trump administration, nobody knows why.”
Jimmy Kimmel
Kimmel also praises Harvard—though he couched his remarks by noting that the school his nemesis Matt Damon went to can’t be all good.
“And who better to determine what colleges should and should not be doing than the man who had to shell out $25 million in penalties for running a fraudulent university he named after himself?”
“My money’s on Harvard. I grew up in the 80’s. I saw Revenge of the Nerds. I know who wins these things.”
Turning to the “suck-uppery” from those in Trump’s orbit, Kimmel noted the golden Trump face pins being sported by Trump officials, and even a brand new statue commissioned by one Trump-loving CEO.
“The statue is seven feet tall, it’s made of bronze, and it’s already been issued a restraining order from the Statue of Liberty.”
on the trump statue gifted by sticker mule’s owner
“That’s not his heart, honey, it’s his ass.”
on one fox news interviewee’s praise for trump
Kimmel also touched on former President Joe Biden’s re-emergence from his post-election loss exile.
“Biden spoke at a bi-partisan event to encourage Democrats and Republicans to work together to protect Social Security, which seems seems about as likely to happen as a reboot of Fiddler on the Roof starring Kanye West.”
“Social Security is number one for Joe Biden. Literally, his Social Security number is 1.”
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