Missed Tuesday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Whiffing at Softballs
In an attempt to—let’s call it “humanize” himself, convicted felon Donald Trump sat down for an interview opposite the even-more sycophantic puff piece merchants of Fox & Friends‘ J.V. squad, Fox & Friends Weekend. In the wide-ranging (or “rambling and borderline incomprehensible,” if you like) conversation, Trump fielded lobs from the Fox News C-team on subjects ranging from religion, to which Democrat he’d have dinner with, to how his family is coping with the very public airing of daddy’s affair with a porn star while wife Melania was recovering from giving birth to the couple’s child.
Naturally, it was all very chummy and collegial, which didn’t prevent the unscripted Trump from showing off the toxic stew of narcissism, cognitive decline, and self-pity that is his mind. After Trump went into momentary vapor-lock following a softball question about the files he’d declassify if reelected (after a mention of the file on late underage sex trafficker and Trump pal Jeffrey Epstein), The Daily Show‘s Ronny Chieng noted, “Look at the panic in Trump’s eyes. I’ve seen more relaxed people in the exit row of a Boeing flight.”
“In a new interview, former President Trump said that his hush money criminal trial was tougher on his family than it was on him. Yeah, no kidding. Not only did it not keep you up at night, it didn’t keep you up during the day.”
seth meyers
[On Trump’s shifty answer on declassifying the Epstein files] “Okay, he’s definitely in that file. He is in the Epstein files— he’s already like, ‘Look, there’s gonna be a lot of phony stuff in there: names, pictures, my DNA, you can’t believe any of it.'”
ronny Chieng
[After Trump says former Democratic Senator Joe Manchin was the one Dem he could stand—except that he can’t stand him now] “So the Democrat you’d be willing to sit down with is a guy who’s no longer a Democrat who you used to meet with and now refuse to ever speak to again. Do you understand how hypotheticals work? ‘Let’s see, what three albums would I bring to a desert island? Well I’d screw Stormy, marry Melania, and kill Eric.'”
stephen Colbert
“This is the same guy who said that Obama was born in Kenya and Ted Cruz’s dad killed JFK, okay? Now all of a sudden he’s like, ‘Look, if you put some inaccurate information out there, it could really destroy someone’s reputation.'”
Ronny Chieng
[On Trump’s post-conviction self-martyrdom] “Yes, somebody said ‘How do you live?’ That somebody—his doctor. ‘Uh, mister Trump, Iv’e got your results right here—How do you live? Your blood type came back as honey mustard.'”
stephen colbert
“In the same interview, Trump said that he would be willing to serve jail time after being convicted on 34 felony counts. Which would be the first time he’s shared a bedroom in a while.”
seth meyers
“You don’t need to ask Trump to declassify anything. He’s just going to leave it at the buffet table at Mar-a-Lago.”
ronny chieng
[After Trump’s answer on the nature of religion] “So, the reason to be good is because of heaven? That’s like a kid saying, ‘If it’s not for the Elf on the Shelf, I’d murder my parents.'”
stephen colbert
Closing the Scapegoat Gate
After several bipartisan border security deals were scuttled in the past year thanks to Republicans’ knuckling under to Donald Trump’s need for a hot-button campaign issue, President Biden issued an executive order on Tuesday aimed at addressing illegal immigration. Naturally, this pleased nobody, as Biden supporters decried the measure’s caps on legal asylum seekers and accused the President of chasing conservative votes through Trump-aping cruelty. Meanwhile, Republicans continued to twist themselves into sweaty knots trying to pretend that getting exactly what they wanted was somehow not what they wanted since Donald Trump wants the immigration issue to motivate xenophobic white voters. In other words, it’s a right old mess, with even Jimmy Fallon making the salient point, “Say what you want about Biden, but he takes immediate action five months before an election.”
“Border security is one of President Biden’s biggest weaknesses. It’s why he tried to make a border deal with Republicans earlier this year. It’s also why Republicans refused to make a deal with him. They were like, ‘How can we blame you for this if you fix it, you idiot.'”
ronny chieng
“That is a tough needle to thread, being an anti-immigration liberal. ‘So we’re gonna seal the border folks, but the wall is going to be gluten-free, and the barbed wire will be pro-choice. It’s not a border wall, it’s a bord-her wall.'”
stephen colbert
“I’ve gotta give liberals a bit of a reality check. It’s not very popular to have no control over who immigrates to your country. Just ask the Native Americans.”
ronny chieng
“Now this order, it’s not playing great with progressives. In fact, back in February, AOC tweeted this about the then-proposal, ‘Seeking asylum is a legal right of all people. Doing Trump impressions isn’t how we beat Trump.’ She’s right folks, doing Trump impressions is how you fill 13 minutes of monologue every night.”
stephen colbert
“Now look, the fact is that immigrants are vital for America’s economy and its culture. And also, let’s be honest, America needs a better World Cup team.”
ronny chieng
At Least People Might Start Calling It X
After hearing months of complaints from users that their replies have been inundated with pornographic spam since Elon Musk took over Twitter, the social media cesspool announced this week that it was throwing in the towel, so to speak. That’s right, porn is now officially okay on Twitter/X, leading to late-night hosts marveling that Musk has now turned a once-useful micro-blogging platform into a one-stop shop for election misinformation, pro-Tesla propaganda, white supremacist memes, and now unfettered sexual content. As Ronny Chieng summed up Twitter under Musk’s reign, “As a company, it started as a place where you could follow the news in real time. And now their pitch is, ‘Hey, do you love reading Nazi shit while jacking off and being called a slur?'”
“That’s right, Elon Musk in now no longer the biggest ass on Twitter.”
ronny chieng
[On Twitter’s new porn guidelines] “‘Anything that causes sexual arousal’ on the internet? That narrows it down to—anything. ‘Oooh, Spongebob playing his nose like a flute. Daddy like.'”
stephen colbert
“Basically, instead of fixing the porn problem, Elon just decided,’ Hey it’s not a problem any more.’ Hey, I’m not hating. That’s how I handle issues in my life, too. I mean, those aren’t bedbugs, they’re my new roommates.”
ronny chieng
“What? That is terrible. Now young, impressionable people are going to come across porn while they were just innocently trying to post their Neo-Nazi memes.”
stephen colbert
“The way Twitter is now, a bukkake video would elevate the discourse.”
ronny chieng
At Least It’s Not Nukes?
‘North Korea garbage-bombs South Korea’ is pretty much a best-case scenario as far as interactions between despotic nutjob Kim Jong Un and hs southern neighbors go these days. Still, the fact that North Korea has taken to wafting balloons laden with cigarette butts and other unwanted refuse over the border in response to democratic South Korea sending flash drives filled with anti-authoritarian tracts and K-Pop feels like at least an escalation in infantile national behavior.
“Look at this typical communist sh*t. Hey North Korea, you don’t stick trash in a balloon and float it over to your enemy, okay? How about you join the free world and put your trash in the ocean where it belongs?”
ronny chieng
“This is like what neighbors in Staten Island do to each other.”
Kimmy Kimmel
“It does show you how clean South Korea is, though, because if Kim Jong Un flew trash into New York City, no one would even notice, okay? Trash would land on trash that was already there and people would be like, ‘Oh great, the neighborhood garbage pile has a fancy balloon now.'”
ronny chieng
“If North Korea sent a thousand trash balloons to L.A., we’d have no idea. We’d be like, ‘Oh look, it’s the garbage’s birthday.'”
jimmy kimmel
The Big Crapple
New York City has announced a long-overdue plan to upgrade public bathroom facilities, piquing the comic interest of a couple of NYC-based hosts.
“At a press conference yesterday, New York Mayor Eric Adams announced plans to build or renovate more than 80 public restrooms, because New Yorkers deserve a clean and safe place to do drugs.”
seth meyers
“New York City just launched an official map of all the public restrooms across the five boroughs. Or you could just open Google Maps and search Barnes & Noble.”
jimmy fallon
Potpourri
“According to a new study, the second dirtiest city in America is Newark, New Jersey. And the first place—whichever city is down river from Newark, New Jersey.”
seth meyers
[On President Biden’s Time magazine cover] “That’s right, he’s courting the youth vote where the kids hang—print media. Next stop, zeppelins.”
stephen colbert
“I believe it is brave for Biden to do this cover because he’s side by side with his nemesis, time.”
stephen colbert
“I heard about three boys who were hiking at a national park in North Dakota when they discovered a T. Rex fossil. When it comes to going on a hike and finding bones in a park, that’s pretty much the best case scenario.”
jimmy fallon
[On the internet fame of the little kid who made faces behind his congressman dad on C-SPAN] “Hey buddy, making fun of congressman is my job. Back off—I don’t come to kindergarten and sleep on your scrap of rug.”
stephen colbert
“We don’t know who Vice President Harris will be debating because Donald Trump hasn’t picked a running mate yet. It’s between Marco Rubio, Tim Scott, Kid Rock, and a Monster energy drink.”
jimmy kimmel
“According to a new survey, more than half of Americans think they’re out of touch with popular culture. Not me though. I know WHASSUP!!“
seth meyers
[After Republican Congressperson Marjorie Taylor Green contemptuously refused to refer to Doctor Anthony Fauci as “doctor”] “She was like, ‘If you’re a real doctor, how come you’re not walking towards me with a straitjacket?'”
jimmy fallon
“Today was National Hug Your Cat Day, brought to you by Neosporin.”
seth meyers
[On Wisconsin indicting three people including Trump advisor Kenneth Chesebro for the fake electors plot to steal the 2020 election] “How bad do you have to be to have Wisconsin go after you when your name is Chesebro? That’s like the attorney general of Idaho indicting Mr. Potato Head.”
stephen colbert
“According to a new poll, 34 percent of Republicans said that they are more likely to vote for former President Trump following his felony conviction. Okay, but that 34 percent was always going to vote for him. That’s like Snoop Dogg saying, ‘I’m really gonna smoke weed now.’”
seth meyers
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