Missed Tuesday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
The Lack of Cruelty Is the Point
The Biden administration is far from perfect when it comes to addressing the always hot-button issue of immigration. Still, the current President isn’t calling those seeking asylum in America rapists, sadistically separating families in overcrowded detention camps, or whipping their racist followers into a xenophobic hate and terror frenzy, so we’ll call it an improvement over the last guy. Biden proved himself once more decidedly more human/humane than Donald Trump by issuing an executive order on Tuesday protecting undocumented spouses of American citizens from deportation while they wait out the often ridiculously long green card process. Of course, the whole “married to an American citizen” aspect of the law was an opening for both Stephen Colbert and Seth Meyers to pitch essentially the same joke about an influx of contestants for a certain reality series, with Meyers reporting, “This just in: 90 Day Fiancé has just been renewed for 20 more seasons.”
“Not everyone qualifies for this plan. To apply, immigrants must have lives in the U.S. for 10 years and be married to a U.S. citizen. To which one immigrant said, ‘But then we can divorce citizen right after election and maybe push him down stairs at Mar-a-Lago, yes?'”
stephen colbert
“That’s right, President Biden announced a new executive action on immigration that would protect immigrants who are married to US citizens from deportation. It’s the first time an American President has done something nice for Melania.”
seth meyers
The Nonexistence of Memory
A new book by author Ramin Setoodeh entitled Apprentice in Wonderland: How Donald Trump and Mark Burnett Took America Through the Looking Glass came out this week. The nonfiction book chronicles the behind-the-scenes making of Donald Trump’s reality show The Apprentice, and it is not a good look for the current presidential candidate and guy prone to forgetting the name of the doctor who supposedly administered his cognitive test. According to Setoodeh, also the editor-in-chief of Variety, the writing of the book was even more chaotic and troublesome than the making of The Apprentice itself, with his multiple interviews with the former reality show host marked by what the author calls Trump’s “severe memory issues.” As Jimmy Fallon marveled, “I love how Trump didn’t remember who the author is but still talked to him for 10 hours.”
“The author of the upcoming book Apprentice in Wonderland said in a new interview that former President Trump has ‘severe memory issues.’ ‘Same here,’ said undecided voters.”
seth meyers
“An author who interviewed former President Trump six times for a new book said that Trump has ‘severe memory issues’ and couldn’t even remember him. I’m starting to think Trump writes his name on buildings just so he can remember where he lives.”
jimmy fallon
“There’s some juicy McNuggets in this. The book says Trump told the head of NBC, Ben Silverman, that he was glad that ‘a Jew was running the network again.’ I guess that was a compliment.”
jimmy kimmel
“That’s right, the author of an upcoming book said that Trump has ‘severe memory issues.’ Yeah, [puts up picture of Trump with Stormy Daniels] I mean, he couldn’t even remember that he was married.”
seth meyers
Prepare Your Body for the Heat Dome
Joking about the weather is pretty old hat for comedians. Still, when much of the nation is suffering from the leading edge of what’s been called a record-breaking “heat dome” with sustained temperatures reaching a hundred degrees, the topic’s going to come up, monologue-wise. With scientists warning that this sweaty weather event is just the beginning of climate change-aided extreme summer weather that Republicans and the worst people on Twitter insist is a hoax of some kind, gird your loins for lots more jokes like these. (Please feel free to chime in with a hearty, “How hot was it?” if the spirit moves you.)
“It is so hot in New York that the pantsless guy on the subway is wearing his linen penis.”
stephen colbert
[Rapid fire, with accompanying drummer rim-shots] “It’ll be so hot in Maine this week, the lobsters will be getting in pots just to cool down. It’s so hot in New York this week, the rats are wearing crop tops. It’s so hot in South Dakota, Kristi Noem’s dogs are shooting themselves. It’s so hot at Mar-a-Lago, Donald Trump asked Melania to be even colder to him.”
jimmy kimmel
“This week, when you open the weather app it just shows you the middle finger emoji.”
jimmy fallon
“To stay safe, the National Weather Service is advising people to go indoors and hydrate. And, just in case, get a fan, a fainting couch, and say, ‘Oh Lawdy, I have the vapors.'”
stephen colbert
“Of course, the worst part of the heat is we’re now seeing a massive increase in the use of the word ‘moist.'”
jimmy fallon
“Scientists war heat waves will be longer, more intense, and more frequent. So, good news for Mrs. Heat Wave.”
stephen colbert
Nutjobs All the Way Down
Understandably, most of the attention this campaign season is focused on the presidential election, what with the literal existence of American democracy being on the ballot and all. But as The Daily Show‘s Desi Lydic and Ronny Chieng noted in their “Going Down on the Ballot” segment on Tuesday, those seeking to ply Donald Trump’s signature brand of cam-riddled, anti-democratic bigotry and unbridled insanity exist all the way up and down your local ballots as well. Plucking out three such Trump-loving MAGA candidates as Minnesota’s Royce White, Missouri’s Valentina Gomez, and Florida’s James Judge for the honor of kicking off the show’s weekly survey of the worst and the dimmest, Lydic and Chieng proved that the hateful, authoritarian fish truly does rot from the orange-slathered, hair-tortured head all the way down to Florida’s fetid, book-banning tail. (Oh, these candidates are all Republicans, in case there were any doubt.)
[On Minnesota Senate candidate Royce White, former NBA player and conspiracy theorist accused of not playing child support and misusing campaign funds at strip clubs, and who outed himself as a self-proclaimed anti-Semite on social media] “‘I’m not paying child support to mouthy women because I’m spending it at a strip club?’ I mean, talk about red flag bingo.”
ronny chieng
“He even calls himself an anti-Semite on social media, although to be fair to him, declaring you’re an anti-Semite is how you have to log into Twitter now. That’s the new Captcha.”
ronny chieng
[On a revealing White interview] “Wow, this guy went really quick from not knowing anything about strip clubs to being a strip club expert. ‘I don’t know about that place! But go to the second floor, ask for Clarice, okay? She’ll take you to the champagne room and behind there is the real VIP room, code 2664. And tell them you want the Royce White special. They’ll know what you mean.'”
ronny chieng
“Just say you used the wrong credit card. It wouldn’t be the worst accidental insertion in a strip club.”
desi lydic
[On Missouri Secretary of State candidate Valentina Gomez, whose viral videos mock the LGBTQ+ community, and who filmed herself setting queer-themed books alight with a flamethrower] “I love that she’s super into women’s basketball but she’s angry that there’s a lesbian in the WNBA. Is somebody going to tell her?”
desi lydic
“Jesus, a flamethrower? Take it easy, this is a book-burning, not a gender reveal party.”
desi lydic
[On Florida congressional candidate James Judge, filmed calling for Habeas Corpus to be suspended so Donald Trump can take vengeance on his political enemies] “Wow pretty casual call for the end of democracy there. You can’t demand the suspension of due process in the same tone of voice you use to announce that someone’s Toyota has their lights on in the parking lot.”
ronny chieng
No Debate…This Is Going to Be a Mess
Donald Trump and President Joe Biden’s first debate is set for June 27, with procedures firmly in place to keep Donald Trump from heedlessly stampeding through the established rules and Fox News already spinning conspiracy theories that Biden is going to be on some sort of Democrat debate steroids. (Note: Speculation that Donald Trump’s recent spate of increasingly erratic behavior at his rallies is laying the groundwork for him to back out of the debates he’s agreed to is irresponsible and probably 100 percent on the money.)
“President Biden will go to Camp David to prepare for next week’s debate, while Trump will be preparing at—he’s not preparing. C’mon guys.”
seth meyers
“Trump and Biden are both accused of having memory issues. Which is why they’re starring in the movie 50 First Debates.”
jimmy fallon
“CNN says they’ll use all tools at their disposal to enforce timing and ensure a civilized discussion. Which is a nice way of saying Jake Tapper will be armed with a tranquilizer dart.”
jimmy kimmel
Pluck of the Irish
The Boston Celtics won their record 18th NBA championship, defeating the Dallas Mavericks four games to one on Monday. Naturally, with late-night hosts in either Knicks or Lakers (or Nets or Clippers, technically) territory, there were some mixed emotions Tuesday. If you call an irritated Jimmy Kimmel warning his sparsely cheering audience he was ready to toss them right out onto Hollywood Boulevard mixed.
“It’s nice for Boston fans to finally have something to celebrate. Ever since Tom Brady left town, all they’ve had to root for is Bill Belichick setting the record for youngest girlfriend.”
stephen colbert
“Last night, the Boston Celtics won the NBA championship. That’s right, now they have a record number of championships, 18. Which is one more than the Lakers and somehow 25 more than the Clippers.”
ronny chieng
“Bostonians were out in the streets drunk and yelling and then they found out they won a championship.”
stephen colbert
“After last night, the Celtics now have the most championships in NBA history with 18. It’s that kind of sustained excellence that lets everyone overlook their pipe-smoking, shillelagh-wielding, pot-bellied stereotype mascot.”
stephen colbert
Potpourri
“McDonald’s said last week that it’s removing artificial intelligence technology from more than 100 drive-thrus. Apparently, it had started telling people to go somewhere else and get a salad.”
seth meyers
[On the news that New Yorkers will soon be legally able to grow marijuana at home] “Finally an answer for the Manhattanite’s eternal question, ‘What shall I do with all that extra space between my kitchen and my bathroom… which is also my kitchen.”
stephen colbert
“[Boeing CEO Dave] Calhoun says Boeing apologizes for their safety issues and that they understand the gravity. Yeah, understanding gravity, important for a company that makes airplanes.”
jimmy kimmel
[After Sir Ian McKellen announced he was in good health after falling off a London stage] “Which is great, but he did have us worried for a second. It’s the scariest thing that happened to a famed British actor since Dame Helen Mirren flipped her NASCAR.”
stephen colbert
“The restaurant chain Hooters has launched a new line of of frozen foods. Find it in the Clearly Going Through Some Stuff aisle.”
seth meyers
“According to Dr. [Anthony] Fauci, Trump would go back and forth between praising him and attacking him. At one point, he screamed at Dr. Fauci, he told him he cost the U.S. economy ‘one trillion f-ing dollars.’ And then immediately offered him a job running one of his companies.”
jimmy kimmel
“The Biden campaign will begin to consider accepting donations in cryptocurrency, while RFK Jr has begun accepting canned goods and gently worn clothing.”
seth meyers
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