
Missed Tuesday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Fallout 24: This Time It’s Even More Radioactive
The repercussions from Donald Trump’s Hitler-aping hate rally at New York’s Madison Square Garden on Sunday are still being felt all over the news, the electorate, and, more to our purposes here, late-night. And while that one smirky douche-bro comedian (no doubt soon to have his own Fox News show) got much of the attention for being even more racist than he was not funny for his “joke” about Puerto Rico being a garbage island, there’s plenty blowback for everybody involved.
There was Elon Musk, with his super edgy “dark Gothic MAGA” hat, complete with scary Hitler font. And Stephen Miller, who cribbed right from the old boy himself, echoing Hitler’s “Germany for Germans” xenophobia with an “America” cut-and-paste. There was the guy who called Kamala Harris the literal antichrist, the other speaker who called her a sex worker, and the disgraced former New York mayor coming home to accuse all Democrats of being terrorists. Truly that was a lot of ignorant bile for even Donald Trump to follow, and the former President and 34-time convicted felon and legally determined rapist came off as listless and wheezy once he finally took the stage. Sure, he ranted about immigrants being subhuman and pitching his unworkably evil plan to deport tens of millions of non-white people, and railed against trans people and the press, but it just seemed like the 78-year-old candidate’s heart just wasn’t in it, you know?
Regardless, a mess that huge takes more than a night’s worth of monologues to mop up, much like the Madison Square Garden cleaning crew is still hauling away mountains of misspelled racist placards and sponging up slicks of hate-sweat.
“Today Trump stood up like a man and took responsibility for absolutely nothing.”
stephen colbert
[On voter backlash to that “comedian”‘s Puerto Rico material] “Wow, this woman was leaning towards Trump and now she’s voting Kamala because of that one joke. I mean, she was like, ‘I don’t mind racism but I draw the line at racism.'”
ronny chieng
“Here’a little pro tip. When you’re running for President, try not to October Surprise yourself.”
stephen colbert
“This joke somehow broke through the noise. And as a master political satirist myself, I’m completely jealous. Because all we do here is jokes all the time and it changes nothing! What was the difference maker here, the target? Okay then tell me which countries to sh*t on, I’ll do it. Okay, Australia—you’re the garbage island. Anything? Anyone? Did that move the needle? How is our engagements.”
ronny chieng
“It’s rare to tell a joke so bad that it alters the course of human history. The last time that happened, it was 1914 when Archduke Franz Ferdinand was at an open mic. ‘Serbian assassins are so ugly, their portraits hang themselves! Haha, that joke killed…me! Ih oh! World War I is starting!'”
stephen colbert
“It’s still crazy to me that a joke from Trump’s warm-up guy seems to be having more of an impact than Trump’s actual terrible record on Puerto Rico. I mean, his administration blocked Puerto Rico from receiving hurricane relief, then Trump went down there and tossed paper towels into the crowd, I guess to help them soak up the hurricane? And to top it all off, Trump tried to trade Puerto Rico for Greenland. I mean, he would rather have a frozen wasteland than a tropical paradise full of brown people with good music.”
ronny chieng
“What a f**king stupid idea. No one in Greenland can play shortstop.”
ronny chieng
[On Trump claiming he didn’t even know the comedian in question—who was vetted and chosen by his staff to open his last major campaign event] “‘Look, someone plans those things, not me. I don’t see or hear anything because they keep me hooded all day long like a falcon, okay.'”
stephen colbert
“Now people are comparing the rhetoric at the MSG rally to another MSG rally in 1939 that involved—you guessed it—Nazis. Which is the worst thing to happen at the Garden other than 20 years of the Knicks.”
ronny chieng
[On Trump’s response to the backlash, a music video featuring an unfortunate choice of artists] “See Puerto Ricans, you love Trump. And he proved it by sharing this song made by a Cuban band. Okay to be fair, he might not realize those aren’t the same place. ‘Look, I wanna apologize to Puerto Ricans in your native tongue, ‘Lucy, you got a lot of ‘splaining to do!'”
stephen colbert
[On Trump claiming his rally was “a love fest”] “Yes it was breathtaking. It was such an evening full of love. It reminds me of the Shakespeare sonnet, ‘Shall I compare thee to a floating pile of garbage?'”
stephen colbert
“Today, following his disastrous rally at Madison Square Garden, former President Trump defended the event and called it an absolute love fest. Then Kamala Harris looked at the polls and said, ‘Well I’m certainly loving it.'”
jimmy fallon
[On Tucker Carlson mocking Kamala Harris’ mixed heritage for another knee-slapper] “Big mistake buddy. I’m Malaysian and the Rock is Samoan. Now you’re insulting two of the biggest movie stars on the planet. Get ready for the backlash, baby.”
ronny chieng
The Dick in Dictator
Right-wingers love to play the “I’m not touching you—see, I’m not touching you” plausible deniability game. Holding a hate-filled rally attacking minorities and pitching nativist paranoia to a screeching mob of white yahoos attracted to a preening, cult-like daddy figure who promises to make you feel safe as long as you let him do literally anything he wants at the same venue where a Nazi rally was held? Oh, you libs are just suffering from Trump Derangement Syndrome. Changing up your usual color scheme to ape those favored by your favorite band of neo-Nazi hooligans? That’s just a coincidence. Having the billionaire ding-dong who’s currently buying votes and using his social media media platform to prop up his chosen candidate come out sporting Mein Kampf lettering on his cool new baseball cap merch? You people just call everyone you don’t like Hitler.
And so on. As the “comedian” who delivered zingers about Black people and watermelons, Jews being cheap, and Latinos breeding like animals sneered at all those who found his deeply unfunny, hacky hate-speech offensive, those darned liberals just can’t take a joke. Not even jokes pandering to the wannabe dictator whose Nazi-themed political rally he was booked at. Regardless, all the “Donald Trump is a Nazi” talk has only heated up since the MSG event, what with Trump threatening to imprison his political enemies, promising to shut down media that’s mean to him, and accusing non-white immigrants of “poisoning the blood” of America. All just coincidences, certainly.
“Of course Trump is not a Nazi, okay. They all famously served in the military.”
ronny chieng
“The polls remain incredibly tight as Americans try to decide between an expanded child tax credit and the thousand-year reich of Hamburger Himmler.”
stephen colbert
“New York Mayor Eric Adams denied claims over the weekend that former President Trump is a fascist and said, ‘We can all dial down the temperature.’ Which serves as a reminder that no matter who wins on November 5, Mayor Adams is going to need a pardon.”
seth meyers
[On RFK Jr. complaining to Fox News that comparing Trump to Hitler might… something about time machines and killing baby Hitler?] “You shouldn’t call Trump Hitler because someone will go back in time and kill baby Trump? Even by RFK Jr. standards that makes no sense. I mean it sounds like his brain worm got a brain worm.”
ronny chieng
“And most people would kill baby Hitler, but only RFK Jr. would then drop the baby Hitler in Central Park and make it look like a bike accident.”
ronny chieng
[On Trump’s claim that his father once told him to never say “Hitler” out loud] “Well that’s just weird. You can’t say Hitler? What does that mean? It’s not a swear word. ‘My dad used to say you can’t say Hitler, okay. Don’t you dare take his name in vain. He would make me—anytime I would, he would make me put a quarter in the Hitler jar. And when it got filled, he would send it to my uncles in Argentina.'”
stephen colbert
“In a recent interview, Ohio Senator J.D. Vance declined to call Russian President Vladimir Putin an enemy and instead labeled him as an adversary. Well that makes sense, a lot of people have an adversarial relationship with their boss.”
seth meyers
“By the way, this is an interesting debate because Kamala has actually never called Trump Hitler. J.D. Vance has though. And if he’s got a time machine, maybe he should go back in time and tell himself to shut the f**k up.”
ronny chieng
[On Vance’s suspiciously brain-wormy claims about D-Day soldiers asking Kamala Harris about transgender people] “Yeah, I think they might have other things that they want to talk about first. Like, I don’t know, ‘You’re from the future?! Can you tell me the enemy’s exact position and if any of these bullets are going to hit me right now? Also, bitcoin, is that a thing or not?'”
ronny chieng
[On Trump claiming to be “the opposite of a Nazi”] “But what exactly is the opposite of a Nazi? I mean, is it the guy who started Jdate because you’re trying to make more Jews? Or is it the guy who has like the reverse mustache, like everything else but not that part?”
ronny chieng
[On Trump’s former Chief of Staff reporting that Trump longed to have generals like Hitler’s while in office] “Yeah cool, thanks for finally going on the record five years later, General John Kelly. Anything else you want to warn us about, like a suspicious bag on the subway in 2004?”
ronny chieng
It’s a Bold Strategy—Let’s See If It Pays Off
Amidst all this Hitler talk, Jimmy Kimmel announced a whole new tack in the late-night campaign to get people not to vote for a guy whose every word and deed invites that comparison daily. At the top of the show, an uncharacteristically sincere and sober Kimmel urged his viewers to share the ensuing monologue with any Trump-leaning relatives or friends in the hopes that he could somehow convince them to change their support—or at least hear him out.
Kimmel laid out his bona fides as former co-host of The Man Show, with it’s beer-drinking and leering at women on trampolines. He conceded that if viewers’ Republican relatives were of the “Jews control the weather” or “Beyoncé eats baby skin” type, said viewers probably shouldn’t bother. But Kimmel did admit to being one of the loudest voices in the divisive mockery infecting the political discourse, promising that he would refrain from his usual habit of name-calling of the former President, and even refraining from bringing up the damning things former Trump administration figures have said about him, or even that whole Nazi rally thing.
What followed was an earnest and searching attempt by one infamously acerbic late-night host to simply play some of Donald trump’s own words while asking essentially, “Is this really the guy you want in charge of the nuclear codes?” It was an interesting strategy, and if Kimmel couldn’t completely resist mocking his nemesis at times, he appeared to be acting in good faith as someone attempting to reach some sort of human connection with Trump voters. Will it change one single mind in Trump’s entrenched fan base of aggrieved white people willing to ignore Trump’s erratic behavior and obvious lies in their desire for whatever it is that a racist, anti-democracy demagogue and convicted criminal can promise them? (Look, Kimmel is the one promising to be nice, not us.)
Who can say. But it’s a creditable effort. And it couldn’t hurt.
[After a nine-year montage of Trump never delivering his promised health care replacement for the Affordable Care Act] “If someone who works for you—or let’s say it’s your barber—promises to present you with a plan for trimming your hair over and over again for nine years, you’d probably fire that person. You’d probably get a new barber because your hair would be down to your ass.”
jimmy kimmel
[On Trump’s infamously incoherent non-answer when asked about his plans for affordable child care] “‘Childcare is childcare,’ you can’t argue with that. He’s like a child who didn’t do his book report.”
jimmy kimmel
[Begging voters to see through a montage of Trump’s repeated and ridiculous lies about public schools performing gender-reassignment surgeries on kids without their parents’ knowledge] “Public schools are not giving gender surgeries to children, or any surgeries to children. And without the parents’ permission—parents can’t send their kids to school with peanut butter, okay? School won’t let our kids eat nuts, you think they’re okay with cutting them off?”
jimmy kimmel
[After a montage of Trump railing against wind power, concluding with him saying, “The wind is bullsh*t”] “‘The wind is bullsh*t.’ Honestly, do you know anyone who speaks like that? The people you know who think the wind is bullsh*t are crazy people standing on a street corner yelling at cars.”
jimmy kimmel
“He’s completely preoccupied with nonsense. I’d like you to close your eyes now and imagine you’re at the dinner table on a Sunday night. Your grandpa’s there, and grandpa’s had a long day. He started the day off tweeting hate messages to Taylor Swift, he ended it dancing to the Village People for 39 minutes, you ask him to pass the green beans, and grandpa launches into this. [Clip of Trump proposing his thought problem about sharks and electric boat batteries] No, we don’t! We don’t know what you’re talking about. And we don’t know why you’re talking about it.”
jimmy kimmel
[Pleading with people to recognize that Trump’s incessant grifting isn’t normal] “Donald Trump is the exact meeting point between QAnon and QVC. Remember when Ronald Reagan was selling high-tops in the 80’s? No you don’t, because he wasn’t.”
jimmy kimmel
[On Trump’s excuse about being unable to quote a single bible verse when asked] “Sharing his favorite bible verse is too personal, but did you hear about Arnold Palmer’s big one?”
jimmy kimmel
“Look, he obviously hasn’t read the Bible. And that’s okay, just say you haven’t read the Bible. If you did, you’d know you’re not supposed to lie about reading the Bible.”
jimmy kimmel
[On Trump deflecting responsibility for his racist lie about Haitians by claiming it’s just something he read] “Is this what we want from a President? Someone who believes—or pretends to believe—any crackpot story that fits his narrative? Who blames everything on immigrants? Forgetting, I guess, that two of his three wives were immigrants?”
jimmy kimmel
“There are only two possible outcomes. It was stolen or I win. Can you imagine if this happened in the World Series? Like if the manager of the Yankees, Aaron Boone, after the game reporter asks him what the team has to do to come back, he’s like, ‘Come back? We don’t have to come back, we’re winning. We won. They cheated. The umpire was born in L.A. and Ohtani’s an illegal immigrant. I’ll see you at the victory parade.’ He would be taken to the hospital. They’d do an MRI on his brain to find out what was wrong.”
jimmy kimmel
“He has no plan to lower grocery prices, or to make us safer, or to protect the border. The only plans he has is to file lawsuits, legal challenges, settle scores, and punish his enemies. That’s all he has planned. He’s gonna pull all the same tricks he planned last time and more. This is not my opinion, this is happening right out in the open. They’re not even trying to keep it secret. The one thing that makes this a democracy more than anything else are free and fair elections, of the people, by the people, and for the people. That’s what it says. He wants to turn it into of me, by me, and for me.”
jimmy kimmel
“He doesn’t believe that the election was rigged in 2020. His own White House staff testified under oath that he knew all along that there was no evidence of fraud. He knows he lost the election. Trump’s own daughter, his golden child Ivanka, one of his closest advisers said there was no evidence of voter fraud. And yet here we are almost four years later and he’s doing it all over again.”
jimmy kimmel
“Those poor dummies on January 6, they all went to prison because they believed him. And I get that politicians don’t typically tell the truth, they exagg—but this is ridiculous. How can we have an election if the person who loses won’t accept the results? And thinks CBS should have its license revoked for an episode of 60 Minutes he didn’t like? Who sides with Russia over the CIA and sends Covid equipment to Putin at the height of the pandemic when Americans couldn’t even get it. Not to mention the 34 felony convictions. Will he be President from jail? I mean how do you see that working?”
jimmy kimmel
“He’s planning to pardon himself. Nixon must be rolling over in his grave, just punching himself in the face right now for not thinking of that.”
jimmy Kimmel
“Listen, politics in a lot of ways is like sports. You probably just root for the team your dad roots for. Maybe you’ve been a Republican your whole life, that’s your team and it feels wrong not to vote for them. But this time you wouldn’t be alone, you’d have a lot of company. Because hundreds of prominent Republicans including dozens of members of his own administration, generals, senators, his own chief of staff—I mean, Dick f**king Cheney—all believe he is unfit to be President. This has never happened before. And you know who else isn’t voting for him? I’ll tell you who. This guy, Mike Pence. His adoring, subservient Vice President said ‘I will not be endorsing Donald Trump this year.’ Who would have ever thunk it? I mean it’s like if milk turned on cookies.”
jimmy kimmel
“You know I saw a shirt the other day. It said, ‘I support Trump because he pisses off the people who piss me off.’ And it’s funny, and I get it. Sometimes it feels like no one has a sense of humor any more. But is that really all we want for America is to piss each other off?”
jimmy kimmel
Potpourri
“McDonald’s announced that its Quarter Pounder was finally back on the menu after health officials ruled out beef as the source of an E. coli outbreak. They’ve also managed to rule out chicken as the source of McNuggets.”
seth meyers
“Over 50 million people ave already voted early. These days Election Day is like a white woman’s birthday, you’ve got to celebrate it for a whole f**king month.”
Ronny chieng
“Officials have announced that Central Park is already experiencing peak fall colors. It’s my favorite time of the year to gaze up at the trees and get blindsided by a German family on rental bikes.”
seth meyers
“Here in New York City it’s expected to be 80 degrees on Halloween. If there’s one smell the city doesn’t need it’s damp werewolf.”
jimmy fallon
“There’s nothing kids like better than a fun size tube-squeeze of Snickers.”
jimmy fallon
“During his speech in New York on Sunday, former President Trump said, ‘There’s no place like Madison Square Garden.’ He’s right, very few NBA arenas could go over 50 years without seeing a championship.”
seth meyers
“A JetBlue passenger sued the airline over a dangerously cold ice cream sandwich that she claims broke her tooth. Meanwhile every Southwest passenger is like, You’re getting ice cream sandwiches?”
jimmy fallon
“Health officials in Wisconsin have issued a warning that pizza purchased at Famous Yeti’s Pizza may have been contaminated with THC. Although if you’re headed to Famous Yeti’s Pizza you’re probably already contaminated with THC.”
seth meyers
“A new lawsuit accuses Subway of grossly misleading customers by advertising sandwiches with three times more meat than it delivers. The CEO of Subway way like, ‘Trust me, we’re doin’ you a favor.'”
jimmy fallon
“At a rally over the weekend in Michigan, Vice President Harris accused former President Trump of looking in the mirror all the time. Really? I’d have guessed, never?”
seth meyers
“New York State just banned the sale of caffeine-infused cannabis. Now if you want drugs in your caffeine you have to do it the old way, winking at the Dunkin’ Donuts cashier.”
jimmy fallon
“A church in England mistakenly showed pornography for a few seconds during a singalong for grade-school kids, and right there on the spot, some of the tenors became baritones.”
seth meyers
“We all know it’s a stressful time when adults show up at your house on Halloween and are like, ‘Forget candy, got any Xanax?'”
jimmy fallon
“At a campaign event over the weekend in Pittsburgh, President Biden said that Elon Musk was an illegal worker when he first came to the U.S. Come on that’s not fair. He was never a worker.”
seth meyers
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