Thursday was all about anticipation for late-night hosts. Not only is Friday Valentine’s Day, it’s also the eve of U.S.-brokered peace talks between Russia and Ukraine. Which makes it a little strange, according to most hosts, that Trump seems to have given all leverage to Russia while appearing to shut out the invaded Ukrainians entirely. Weird. For those jokes and more, here’s our Thursday rundown.
Jordan Klepper
After a brief detour mentioning the confirmation of noted anti-vaxxer Robert F. Kennedy Jr to HHS Secretary (“They said it couldn’t be done. I’m sorry, they said it shouldn’t be done”), the Daily Show host spent the bulk of his monologue laying the groundwork for Friday’s big Ukraine-Russia peace negotiations. As Klepper noted throughout, the administration’s pre-negotiation comments suggest that Trump doesn’t seem overly concerned with debunking any of those pesky Trump-Russia rumors.
[After a montage of campaign trail Trump promising to end the war “before he even takes office”] “‘I’m gonna do a Back to the Future and end this war before it even starts. Go back in time, kiss my mom, maybe have sex with her, what am I talking about? What was I talking about?'”
[On Trump trading U.S. schoolteacher Marc Fogel for Russian cyber-crime kingpin Alexander Vinnick in a pre-negotiation prisoner swap] “You traded a cyber-crime kingpin for public schoolteacher Marc Fogel? This is like if the Dallas Mavericks traded Luka Dončić for public schoolteacher Marc Fogel.”
[On Fogel’s original arrest for having medical marijuana] “Also, Americans, stop smoking weed in Russia. If you need to relax, try not being in Russia.”
[On Trump claiming he and Vladimir Putin have spoken about “various other subjects” in the run-up to negotiations] “I’d like to know what those ‘various other subjects’ were. It’s a tad suspicious. It’s like a husband coming back from a Vegas bachelor party saying, ‘Yeah, we ate some great food, saw the Sphere, did some… various other things. Anyway, you should get a prescription for Valtrex.'”
“But Trump won’t be going into this alone. He also has Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, a man who does not take no for an answer, according to police reports.”
[On Hegseth preemptively declaring that Ukraine’s NATO membership and a return to its pre-war borders were off the negotiating table] “Okay, so before negotiations even start, America gave up the two things Russia most wants? How do Hegseth and Trump not know how to negotiate? Between the two of them, they’ve been divorced 97 times.”
“If your opening move is giving away the house, the car, and the kids, best case scenario, you’re leaving court with half of a golden retriever. I mean, no one’s going to be happy about that except maybe RFK Jr.”
[On Trump refusing to call Ukraine “an equal partner” in peace talks] “Imagine not being invited to your own peace negotiations. It’s like if your wife told you she wanted a threesome and then asked what nights you’ll be away on business.”
[On Trump scolding Ukraine, saying this was “not a good war to get into”] “Not a good war to go into? They were invaded! It wasn’t their idea! ‘Little advice for the back of Abraham Lincoln’s head—don’t get hit by a bullet. Not smart.'”
Klepper also had a thought about Trump’s takeover of the prestigious Kennedy Arts Center.
“Yeah, performing arts centers have gotten very woke-y. Like that one theater that kicked out Lauren Boebert for giving one little tug-job.”
Seth Meyers
While Meyers did spend some time taking on the ongoing “unpopular and illegal” attempts by Donald Trump and his co-president Elon Musk to gut federal aid programs and oversight, he also noted that Trump’s influence extends to some super-important stuff, too. Like banning news outlets from official briefings for not honoring his unilateral order to rename an international body of water, or taking control of the Kennedy Center for the Arts.
“I can’t wait for the next Kennedy Center Honors to feature Kid Rock, Lee Greenwood, and Big Mouth Billy Bass.”
[On Trump claiming that, like the presidency, he’s going to make the Kennedy Center “hot”] “You didn’t make the presidency hot unless you mean hot like a low-grade fever. Or hot like when it’s snowing so you wear a big puffy coat but you’re on the subway and it’s packed, so sweat runs down your back into your butt crack. If that’s what you mean, then yeah, man, you made it hot.”
But back to that “gutting the government” thing.
[On Trump defending Musk’s sweeping cuts with a rambling example of an aircraft carrier using magnets instead of hydraulics to launch planes] “Every time Trump speaks, I feel like a guy who started season two of Severance without watching season one.”
[On Fox News’ Sean Hannity scoffing at accusations that Elon Musk is cutting federal oversight for his own benefit] “What could the richest man in the world, with a defense contract and a car company and a rocket company and a medical device company and a social media company and ties to foreign governments and large crypto holdings possibly have to gain from having direct control over the federal government? Okay, this time I am being sarcastic.”
[On Musk defending his many conflicts of interest by claiming he’s undergoing “a daily colonoscopy” by federal investigators] “You do? Is that why you’re always making this face? He looks uncomfortable but also… intrigued.”
Jimmy Kimmel
Unsurprisingly, Jimmy Kimmel was just as unsparing as his late-night colleagues in assessing just how in the tank Donald Trump appears to be for “his sugar Vladdy” Putin going into the Ukraine peace talks.
[On Trump already conceding Russia’s biggest asks before sitting down at the negotiating table] “Russia was like, ‘Well, you drive a hard bargain, Mister Trump. Tell you what, throw in everything else we want and you have a deal.'”
“Honestly, it’s amazing the guy only bankrupted three casinos.”
“Trump said that he and Putin will work together to end the war in Ukraine. Which is like E. Coli and Ex-Lax working together to end diarrhea.”
“If successful, this will send a strong message to the rest of the world, which is that if you attack and murder our allies, it will make no difference at all.”
[On Trump answering a reporter’s question about Ukraine’s role in negotiations by claiming “there are a lot of forks in this game”(?)] “Yeah, a lot of forks in this game. And Ukraine is royally forked unfortunately.”
“We’re like one weird press conference away from Trump saying he wants to move Ukraine to Gaza.”
“Putin’s gonna squeeze Trump’s balls like a schnauzer at the Westminster Dog Show.”
Jimmy Fallon
Over on The Tonight Show, Jimmy Fallon flung an infectious barb at newly confirmed Health and Human Services head Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
“RFK Jr is now charge of the FDA, NIH, and CDC. To which Americans said, ‘OMG,’ ‘WTF?,’ and ‘FML.’
Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, and Fallon didn’t forget the man who’s given late-night comedians so much.
“Earlier tonight, Melania was like, ‘Did you forget again?’ And Trump said, ‘No, I got Elon something.'”
Then on to the nightly round-up of topical corporation-based jokes.
“Apple just announced that they’re about to introduce ‘the newest member of the family.’ This is what happens when you don’t use Apple’s protection plan.”
“Disney announced that they’re adding a new final verse to the ‘It’s a Small World’ song on the Disneyland ride. They’re doing it for everyone who got on the ride and thought, ‘I just wish this song was longer.'”
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