Missed Thursday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Trump’s in a New York State of, Let’s Call It Mind
For reasons known only to Donald Trump, the Republican candidate for President and guy recently found guilty of 34 felonies by a New York jury held a rally this week in Long Island. This in a state where native New Yorker Trump lost the last two elections by a staggering and identical 23-point margin, proving that the better people know Donald Trump, the more resoundingly they slam the door in his twice-impeached, historically racist face.
And while late-night hosts took shots at Long Island (The Daily Show‘s Ronny Chieng called it “the Florida of New York”), Trump still wheeled out the greatest, most incoherent hits to an initially enthusiastic Nassau Coliseum crowd, even if Jimmy Kimmel played a clip of all the empty seats while Trump was speaking, and even if Seth Meyers played the moment that Fox News cut away from Trump’s incoherent rambling in, one assumes, a desperate attempt to pretend their chosen leader isn’t completely losing it in public. Oh, and recently disbarred Trump lawyer and former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani (or “Recount Dracula,” according to Jimmy Kimmel) was there, too, with Jimmy Fallon noting, “Rudy wasn’t actually invited, someone just said his name three times and he appeared.”
“As we all know, every presidential election comes down to Long Island. We all remember the nail-biting final days of the 2020 election when everyone waited with bated breath to see which candidate would win the crucial demographic of uncles who smoke Marlboro Lights and won’t stop talking about the Jets’ 98 season. ‘Let me tell you somethin’ kid, I’ll vote for anybody who gives the Presidential Medal of Freedom to Vinny Testaverde…'”
seth meyers
[After Trump pandered to the Long Island crowd with an unflattering impression of a voter, ending with, “Harry, get your fat ass out of the couch!”] “Hey, that’s literally the bit I was doing!”
seth meyers
[On Trump asking the crowd, “what the hell do you have to lose?”] [Unfurling long, long scroll] “I have compiled a list. Let’s see, we got, what you’ve got to lose: democracy, reproductive rights, sanity, the environment, the Department of Education, the ability to look your grandchildren in the eye, the ability to wear a red hat ever again, support for our allies, and the strategic McNugget reserve.”
stephen colbert
“Now I know what you’re thinking, is New York a swing state? No, it’s not. But Trump just wanted to go someplace where people wear more bronzer than him.”
ronny chieng
“Oh, people love you in New York, sir. In fact, just this summer Trump won a unanimous vote from 12 of his peers.”
stephen colbert
[On Trump pining for the good old New York days of luxurious subway riding] “I’m willing to bet anything Trump has not been inside a subway car since, at most, the 1950’s. The last time he was on a subway train, they probably had nice leather seats and those classic subway ads that said stuff like, ‘Got a tyke, give ‘em a Lucky Strike!'”
seth meyers
[After a fear-mongering Trump claimed that there was a “75 percent chance” parents would never see their subway-riding kids again, followed by a reminiscence of his own parents letting him ride alone as a child] “That might be a case of them not being afraid you were gonna disappear, but being afraid you were gonna come back. ‘My parents, they would put me on the subway, they wouldn’t even tell me where I was going. I’d say, ‘Mother, father, how am I gonna get home?’ And they’d just laugh because the subway was so safe. And as the doors would close and the train was rolling away, I’d see them high five each other, the happiest I had ever seen them because of how safe the subway was. And then I’d ride the rails for days and days until I’d find my way home, and they’d be so excited, they’d say, ‘Dear God! What are you doing here?’ And I’d say, ‘Mother and father, I knew you were worried, and good news, the subway is safe.’ And they’d break down crying tears of joy. Because of how safe the subway was.'”
seth meyers
“‘But it doesn’t always happen. I tried to put Eric on there but he just kept coming home.'”
stephen colbert
[After a clip of Giuliani ranting that he would personally chase down anybody else who tries to assassinate Trump] “Are you good to drive, bro? I mean, Rudy is so feral I’m worried RFK Jr. will put him in his trunk.”
ronny chieng.
“That’s right, the guy who can’t differentiate the Four Seasons from a dildo store is gonna find ya. You’ve been warned.”
jimmy kimmel
“And good luck trying to outrun Rudy Giuliani on three whiskeys.”
ronny chieng
The Old Double-Down From Bigot-Town
Hey, you know that obvious-to-anyone racist lie that a marginalized, non-white community were secret pet-eaters? Well it turned out to be an obvious, racist lie. I know, shocker. Still, here’s to the press for doing their due diligence to track down the sources for J.D. Vance and Donald Trump’s newest racist rallying lie. It’s truly a testament to those overworked and underpaid journalists who brave the MAGA movement’s violent, thuggish hostility and the public’s (sometimes justified) frustration that old school newsrooms continue to be constitutionally unable or unwilling to report that the three-time Republican nominee for President is a childishly bigoted a-hole whose increasing public dementia threatens to turn over the nuclear codes to a guy who thinks you need an ID to buy cereal.
Well, all this pesky fact-checking of the sort of ignorant lying you’d expect from that one neighbor you tell your kids never to speak to hasn’t deterred Vance, Trump, or much of the GOP boot-licking brigade, who continue to cynically smear Ohio’s vulnerable Haitian immigrant community. Vance, creeping everyone out while making the cable news rounds, has shifted the blame on his admittedly fake hateful incitement to the press, naturally, telling CNN that it’s their job to make sure that the drooling bigotry dribbling from his lips is false, before doubling down by slandering those same, legally arrived immigrants on the campaign trail.
As Seth Meyers ranted in the face of Vance’s smug obstinance, “By the way, J.D., that’s exactly what the media’s been doing. They fact-checked the pet-eating lies. you’re the one who repeated them anyway.” Meyers then imagined a scenario where schoolteacher Vance [all pause to shudder involuntarily at that thought] berates his students for daring question the assertion that spaghetti was invented in Finland, exploding, “Hey, it’s not my job to check if it’s true! It’s the students’ job!”
[After the press tracked down the Springfield resident whose accusation against her Haitian neighbors was disproved when her missing kitty—named Miss Sassy—reappeared safe and sound in her basement] “The cat was in the basement the whole time! Here’s a little tip for anyone out there with a missing pet, okay? Before you accuse your Haitian neighbors of stealing them, maybe you could first try looking around your house.”
ronny chieng
“Well, if that isn’t the most Miss Sassy move I have ever heard. ‘I’m gonna go hide in the basement to start some rumors. You know why, cause I’m Sassy.'”
seth meyers
[On the second source, a woman who retracted her Facebook post after admitting she had no proof of anything, and saying she “screwed up royally”] “‘Uh, whoopsie-doopsie! Sorry, I set off a race war in the middle of a presidential election, that’s totally my bad.'”
ronny chieng
“Man, has any public figure ever been as offputting as J.D. Vance? I didn’t think anyone could ever out-Ted Cruz Ted Cruz, but this son of a bitch did it.”
seth meyers
[On Trump’s announced plan to pour gasoline on the fire he started] “Why are you going to Springfield? Why? To make things worse for everyone there whose lives you’ve already disrupted? Even the Republican Mayor of Springfield said he’d prefer that Trump stay away. Look, I have an idea. Since Trump is so into the subway now, how about we just put him on the F Train and tell him it goes to Springfield? He’ll end up holding a press conference on Coney Island. ‘Not only are they eating dogs, they have contests where they try to eat as many as they can.'”
seth meyers
[On J.D. Vance, caught in his pet buffet lie, refocused on lying that Springfield’s Haitian immigrants are there illegally] “Oh, you’re still gonna call them illegal aliens? Well, I’m still gonna call you a couch-f**ker. Actually, I’m gonna add some more details to it. J.D. Vance didn’t just have relations with a couch, he got caught in a threesome with a La-Z-Boy and an Eames chair. Is that rumor true? I don’t know if that rumor is true, I would say that the media should fact-check it, but they’re too busy chasing down all his other lies. And by the way, guys… I don’t think it’s just couches. Remember how nervous and weird J.D. was when he was ordering donuts? What was he gonna do with those donuts? I’ll let you decide. ‘I would like som, uh, donuts.’ ‘What flavor?’ ‘Doesn’t matter. Just make sure they have holes.'”
seth meyers
[On Vance justifying his racist lie by claiming it was the only way to get the media to pay attention to Springfield] “So what you’re saying is that it’s okay to say things that are bullsh*t to get people to focus on other things that aren’t bullsh*t? I mean if that’s true this is gonna revolutionize the way I write resumes. ‘Okay, okay, I wasn’t the CEO of Microsoft, buuut, how else would you have noticed that I was proficient in Excel?'”
ronny chieng
“In a way, Vance’s plan did work, because it did bring attention to another, bigger issue. That these guys are all super-racist. So, very sneaky J.D.”
ronny chieng
Another GOP Star Implodes
When your entire brand is “we’ll support literally anybody who says the most hateful, borderline insane sh*t,” you’re courting disaster as a political party. Thus we come to formerly rising GOP superstar (Donald Trump has pronounced him better than Martin Luther King), North Carolina Lieutenant Governor and guy now on the record as hoping for comebacks from women not being allowed to vote and slavery, Mark Robinson.
While Robinson’s previous scandals where he called the LGBTQ+ community “filth” and said that people who don’t agree with the MAGA agenda “need killing” were hand-waved by the Republican mainstream as just Mark being Mark, some particularly juicy sex stuff threatens to scuttle not only Robinson’s already foundering campaign for governor, but the GOP’s electoral chances in a desperately needed swing state. At first, it looked like “live action Grimace” (Stephen Colbert’s words) was going to weather the storm of initial reports that the staunchly conservative politician was a longtime porn addict, with a decade-long streak of twice-nightly sex shop private booth self-enjoyment. But a new, even ickier CNN report has uncovered Robinson’s past as a frequent porn site message board troll whose non-unprintable comments range from hypocritically lusting after trans porn (cue clip of Robinsons ranting that there are only two genders), to off-topic rants about being a “Black Nazi” and the aforementioned wish that he could own slaves. Oh, he also praised Hitler.
“I mean, looks like this guy is pretty anti-‘the gays.’ And if there’s one thing history has taught us, it’s that when a politician is so outspoken about how gross gay and trans people are, there will be nothing in his internet history that will embarrass him at all. In 3… 2… 1…”
ronny chieng
“This is the craziest combination of scandals I’ve ever seen. But the most insane part of this is that he said all of this in the comments section of a porn site. Nobody should be writing in the comments section of a porn site! You know what you should be commenting on a porn site? Nothing! You’re not there to make friends!”
ronny chieng
[On Robinson—again, on a message board for the porn site “Nude Africa”—said he’d choose Hitler over former President Obama] “Okay that is horrible, but also off topic for a porn message board. ‘Mark, come on, stay focused. we’re not talking about Hitler right now! We’re debating whether that delivery man was fairly compensated for the pizza he delivered with extra sausage, if you know what I mean.'”
stephen colbert
“But here’s the thing, Robinson is a fundamentalist Christian nationalist who’s got a lot of ideas about what you should or should not be able to do in the bedroom. Especially you ladies, with your dangerous sexy areas.”
stephen colbert
“I guess there are more than two genders when it’s time to jerk it.”
ronny chieng
“I don’t want to kink-shame. We’re sex positive here at The Late Show. You do you—which I’m pretty sure is what he was doing in there five nights a week.”
stephen colbert
[After a montage of the beefy Robinson’s exaggeratedly vehement hate speech] “Wow, this is the worst Nutty Professor reboot ever.”
ronny chieng
[On Robinson’s “Black Nazi” brag] “Meaning Donald Trump might say he’s a very fine person, but would not rent an apartment to him.”
stephen colbert
“Look, this is not going to play well with his base. His political base—not his other, uh…”
ronny chieng
“So this guy called himself a Nazi who likes Hitler and slavery. I take it back, I think maybe his base will still like him.”
ronny chieng
[After a clip of Robinson wishing for the days when women couldn’t vote] “Well, you’re halfway there Mark. Women can still vote, but I’m guessing not for you.”
stephen colbert
“You’re spending way too much time on porn sites if you’re getting into your views on slavery, okay?”
ronny chieng
[On Robinson sharing that he’s turned on by “peeping” on women without their knowledge] “That is gonna be a tough one for the GOP to defend. ‘Um, when he said he was peeping on women, he just meant tossing bright yellow marshmallow chicks on the ladies. Um, Happy… Easter…'”
stephen colbert
And the Polls Say, “Ask Again Later”
It’s fair to say that people are sort of onto election polling. Not just the revelation that one of the most widely-quoted pollsters in America is on the payroll of a plutocratic billionaire whose support of one candidate underscores his creepy, insidious pining for authoritarian kleptocracy, but for the fact that the old polling model of calling people on the phone is increasingly obsolete in a world where the message “unknown caller” gets hung up on faster than your cheating ex asking for just one more chance.
[After running down the raft of contradictory poll results] “In other words none of these polls mean anything at all. They are meaningless and yet we keep looking at them. They’re like the Kardashians in a lot of ways.”
jimmy kimmel
“Since kicking Trump’s caboose in the debate, Harris been surging in the polls. But remember, your vote doesn’t matter unless you’re in a state [pushes glasees seductively down nose] that swings.”
stephen colbert
C’mon, It’s Not Like It’s Mein Kampf
With former First Lady Melania Trump putting out oddly defensive videos promoting her new memoir this week, one might imagine that her loving spouse has at least skimmed the book. Well, you have imagined incorrectly, as, at his Long Island rally, Trump claimed he’s been too busy to actually read his third wife’s intimate account of her life. (To be fair, Mrs. Trump has been conspicuously silent and absent all campaign season.) He did tell the crowd to buy the book, although he also told them they should throw it away if Melania said anything unflattering about him within. Or burn it. They are Republicans, after all.
“Sounds like things are solid at home.”
jimmy kimmel
[On Trump’s claim of being too busy] “Not so busy he can’t play golf on Sunday, but very very busy.”
jimmy kimmel
“And even though he hasn’t read it, he knows it’s great. Unless it isn’t, in which case he will destroy her.”
jimmy kimmel
“He lies about everything all the time, he couldn’t tell one more lie about his wife’s book? ‘Read it, loved it.’ Was that so difficult?”
jimmy kimmel
Potpourri
[After a report on a new medieval fashion trend] “I mean, knightcore is a little strange, sure, but if it gets dudes to stop wearing cargo shorts, then prithee play on, good sir.”
taylor tomlinson
“I’d wear a full suit of armor to go literally anywhere. Like my therapists office: ‘You can’t make me cry, I’m wearing a sword.’
taylor tomlinson
“Thats’ right, today I turned 50, which is incredible because at the beginning of this election season, I was only 39.”
birthday boy jimmy fallon
“We’re now 46 days away from Donald Trump claiming he won the election.”
jimmy kimmel
“Russia is now urging its citizens to make babies during work breaks to help with the country’s birth rate. Yeah, and you thought it was rough when your coworker ate lunch at their desk.”
jimmy fallon
[After Trump claimed to a subserviently nodding Greg Gutfeld that he was fact-checked during the debate “9 or 11 times” (It was four times)] “And by the way, those weren’t even fact checks, those were mental health welfare checks.”
jimmy kimmel
[From the same interview, where Trump claimed that the nonexistent debate studio audience “went wild” for him] “At least in the past when he exaggerated the size of a crowd, there was a crowd.”
jimmy kimmel
[On New York Mayor Eric Adams blaming New York’s rat problem on “Mickey and his crew”] “Yes, public enemy number one, Mickey Rat. And his crew, Donald Goose, Jiminy Cockroach, and Winnie the Donkey.”
stephen colbert
[After newly minted cryptocurrency magnate Trump stopped by a New York crypto bar, which is apparently a thing] “Yup, Trump spent $950 on burgers and Diet Cokes and then was like, ‘Does anyone else want something?'”
jimmy fallon
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