Missed Thursday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Within the Margin of Terror
Even Fox News has had to swallow hard and admit that their chosen “day one dictator” Donald may not have as easy a time waltzing back into the Oval Office as he continues to claim at poorly attended outdoor rallies where the former President rails about sharks. That’s according to a Fox News poll that shows President Joe Biden outpacing Donald Trump by several points, an outcome that sent candidate Trump into a predictable tizzy, especially since the poll was conducted by his most traditionally fawning media sycophants.
Still, a few points is within the margin of error and is far, far too close for a race between a competent, stable, compassionate career politician who’s overseen a rebounding economy and plunging crime rates and a guy who, well, let’s let Seth Meyers spell this one out.
“How is it only two points?! The guy staged a month-long coup attempt and violent insurrection, got impeached twice, bungled a deadly pandemic so badly the nation’s top scientists tried to hide their faces, tried to take health care away from 20 million Americans, called the CEO of Apple Tim Apple, said he would use his presidency to get revenge on his enemies and be a dictator on day one, threw paper towels at hurricane victims and defaced a weather map, asked his audience if they’d rather die by shark bite or electrocution, just got convicted of 34 felony counts for paying hush money during a presidential campaign to a porn star who testified in court that she spanked him with a magazine with his face on it, and that he was wearing, and I quote, ‘silk or satin pajamas.’ Silk or satin pajamas? All else aside, he should be losing because he’s a huge dork. Who are you, Lauren Bacall?”
seth meyers
“And best of all, that poll is from Fox News [Colbert appears in full Fox News gear] Wooo! Woo! Woo-woo! You know I’ve always loved you, Fox News! Fair and balanced reporting from America’s most trusted anchors. I go ham for Hannity! And I’m juicy for the Ducey.”
stephen colbert
“[Trump] hasn’t been this upset since McDonalds discontinued the McRib.”
jimmy fallon
Master Debaters?
With the first presidential debate taking place one week from Thursday, late-night hosts have obviously been doing their prep. Now, the potential to watch two elderly men talk past each other on national TV is obviously entertainment gold, but controversies and speculation continue to swirl as the big night approaches, with everything from the debate rules to the choice of stage-right or stage-left podium placement, to Donald Trump’s new rallying cry that Joe Biden is going to be hopped up on some sort of top secret debate juice all garnering attention both in- and outside the late-night monologue arenas.
Naturally, those propagandists at Fox News (sorry, new Fox fan Colbert) have settled on their spin to excuse any on-camera meltdowns from their chosen would-be authoritarian strongman candidate, with Fox shouting heads attempting to pull off the difficult simultaneous “Biden is too old and feeble” and “Biden is a jacked-up ‘roid-head mastermind” pre-debate blitz. As Seth Meyers sussed out the situation, “This is the constant MAGA contradiction. Biden is a doddering old man and also, I guess, Scarface?”
“Forget the debate, I say we put them both in a hammock and the first one who stands up is our next President.”
jimmy fallon
“Biden has secluded himself at Camp David, where he’s preparing for this fight like he’s Rocky Balboa getting ready for Golf Clubber Lang. And Trump is hard at work right now deciding whether to go to with the scented Aqua Net or the unscented.”
jimmy kimmel
[On Sean Hannity’s attempt to give President Biden a pre-debate nickname] “‘Jacked-Up Joe’ sounds awesome. Jacked-Up Joe sounds like a professional wrestler. ‘Oooh brother, you’re gonna regret the day you tangled with Jacked-Up Joe!'”
seth meyers
“Despite skipping every other debate, Trump reportedly cannot wait to attack Joe Biden. It’s the most he’s ever hated someone he’s not married to.”
jimmy kimmel
[On Hannity asking why that the candidates shouldn’t be drug tested since race horses and pro athletes are] “I mean, I guess because they’re not athletes and they’re not horses. I mean, should we also make them wear jock straps and eat oats from a big ol’ bag?”
seth meyers
“Robert Kennedy Jr did not make the cut for the debate. Once again, he didn’t get a shot.”
jimmy kimmel
[On Kennedy’s video of him training a pair of ravens] “See, his campaign’s not doomed. He’s just being followed around by a flock of black birds.”
stephen colbert
Christian Nationalism, Cajun Style
Yes, it was a good-old down South shotgun wedding forcing the heretofore separated entities of church and state into a clearly unwanted and illegal marriage of cynical political pandering on Thursday. That’s when Louisiana Governor Jeff Landry and the state’s Republicans officially rammed through a law mandating that the Christian 10 Commandments be displayed, poster-size, on the walls of every public school classroom in a state currently ranked 40th in the nation in education.
It’s another blatantly unconstitutional fundamentalist power-grab already being challenged in the courts by organizations who understand the establishment clause (presumably people who did not go to public school in Louisiana). Still, late-night hosts were ready to object to this faux-holy union—even if a startling number of them made almost the exact same joke.
“Now this is controversial I understand that. But something had to be done to stop second graders from coveting their neighbors’ wives.”
stephen colbert
“Finally, a way to remind kindergartners to stop committing adultery.”
jimmy fallon
“Apparently they’ve been having a lot of trouble with kids coveting their neighbors’ oxen.”
seth meyers
“Maybe they should also post the Constitution in the Louisiana governor’s office so he could give it a read once in a while.”
jimmy kimmel
“Yes, classroom walls are not supposed to have the Ten Commandments on them. They’re supposed to have times tables, and U.S. presidents, and a poster that’s been there since the ’90’s of Urkel saying, ‘When It Comes To Reading, I Did Do That.'”
stephen colbert
Solstice to Injury
Thursday was the summer solstice, the longest day of the calendar year and the official beginning of summer. Late-night hosts suffering through a week’s worth of suffocating heat wave weather had some thoughts.
“The solstice is the longest day of the year as I said, and also the official start of summer. Which of course raises the question, what the hell has the last week been?”
stephen colbert
“Wait a minute, these last four brutal hellhole days have been spring?”
jimmy fallon
[On the New York Post advising readers to celebrate the solstice by, among other things, walking barefoot in New York City] “Yes, today celebrate the solstice, tomorrow celebrate the tetanus.”
stephen colbert
“Of course when it gets this hot, power outages usually happen. [Picture of Trump] And let’s face it, some people aren’t great with losing power.”
jimmy fallon
“There’s no way this is the longest day of the year. Election Day will be the longest day of the year.”
jimmy kimmel
I See a Grey Henge and I Want It Painted Orange
This being the summer solstice, two climate activists took advantage of the news crews at Stonehenge to spray-paint the ancient monument with a (washable) orange dye in order to achieve… something.
“Whoa guys, I appreciate the cause, but what what did Stonehenge ever do? I mean literally—what did Stonehenge do? I get the stone part, but what the f**k is a henge?”
desi Lydic
“Look, I support climate action, and this makes me want to go buy a Hummer.”
stephen colbert
“Regardless, I don’t think this helped the cause. I mean, all they did was make it look like Stonehenge went to town on some Doritos.”
desi lydic
“I don’t think painting Stonehenge orange is gonna do anything guys, okay? Last year, the sky in New York turned orange and we still didn’t care, okay? Everyone was like, ‘Aw, that’s weird, let’s turn up the air conditioning.'”
ronny chieng
“These stunts don’t work. I promise you, Exxon saw this and said, ‘That’s a good point, I wonder if there’s oil under Stonehenge.'”
desi lydic
[On a related stunt where activists spray-painted private jets with the same orange stuff] “Guys, spray paint is not going to ground these planes, okay? You’ve gotta do something radical, like cut some wires, or install some Boeing parts.”
ronny chieng
Bromance of Evil
Russian dictator Vladimir Putin visited his North Korean counterpart in tyranny Kim Jong Un this week. What could go wrong?
“You know when you’re in middle school and your two worst enemies have a sleepover and spend the whole night talking sh*t about you? Well, that just happened to America.”
ronny chieng
“Best friends forever! Russia and North Korea! They go together like vodka and famine.”
ronny chieng
[On a photo of the happy-looking duo riding in a limousine] “That was taken right after they ran over a kitten.”
seth meyers
“Everyone wins! I mean, Russia gets North Korean weapons and North Korea gets… whatever Putin has. Those nesting dolls and Tucker Carlson’s phone number? I don’t know.”
ronny chieng
“Now that Russia has North Korean weapons, watch out Ukraine! Get ready for missiles that blow up on the launching pad!”
ronny chieng
Potpourri
[After Trump demanded Fox News fire commentator Paul Ryan, claiming, “All you need is Trump.”] “By the way, widely considered the Beatles’ worst song.”
seth meyers
[On the New York Mets winning streak following a first pitch from Grimace] “Now this is not the first time a McDonald’s mascot has helped out the Mets. Back in 1986 the Hamburglar was their coke dealer.”
stephen colbert
[On GOP allies preparing for the possibility of Trump being in jail for the RNC] “Yeah, there’s a chance Trump will accept the nomination, but only if Americans will accept a collect call.”
jimmy fallon
[On Tropical Storm Alberto heading for Texas] “Luckily residents in Texas were given a wanring when they saw Ted Cruz heading for the airport.”
seth meyers
“[On a minor league baseball team selling cannabis-infused soft drinks at games] “Now, that might sound odd, but remember Coca Cola used to have cocaine in it, and ginger ale originally contained the blood of a redhead.”
stephen colbert
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