Missed Thursday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Winners Rewrite the Legal Code
Here’s a great lesson your kids can learn from the 2024 election of Donald Trump. If you yell loud enough, bully enough, call people who aren’t like you enough names, blow a microphone, deny reality whenever it doesn’t suit you, and denigrate women, not only can you become president of the United States, you can also retroactively get all your previous terrible crimes wiped away.
Yes, the Justice Department, under the ever watchful-and-do-literally-nothing eye of Attorney General Merrick Garland, announced that the DOJ will be wrapping up prosecutor Jack Smith’s legal cases against the president-elect. You know, the cases where Trump tried to literally overthrow democracy and stole classified documents, stored them in the crapper of his tacky golf resort, and presumably passed them on to his best foreign backer pals like they were Covid testing machines during the pandemic.
Couple that with the Trump-packed Supreme Court having ruled that a president (but really only Donald Trump) is essentially a holy, blameless creature immune from all criminal prosecution whatsoever, and things are looking pretty crime-y for old 34-time convicted felon and adjudicated rapist Donald Trump. As Ronnie Chieng put it in assessing the extent to which the fix is in, “It’s just as the famous quote says: ‘The arc of the moral universe is long but it bends toward [check watch] Sorry, we ran out of time, he’s president now. ‘”
“You know not everything the Democrats did the last four years was great but one thing you can’t complain about was the deliberate pace with which Merrick Garland prosecuted Donald Trump. I mean he dotted his ‘I’s and crossed his ‘T’s and crossed his ‘I’s, then he crossed out his ‘I’s and replaced them with ‘T’s, then he crossed his actual eyes and put dots on his t-shirt.”
seth meyers
“So after years of investigation into Trump’s many crimes, including trying to overthrow the U.S. government, everything’s just totally cool. It reminds me of that classic song, ‘I Fought the Law and What? I Won? How Is That Even Possible?'”
stephen colbert
“Apparently you can get away with your crimes if you win the presidency. And that sound you just heard is Diddy forming an exploratory committee for 2028.”
ronny chieng
[On the probable dismissal of Trump’s criminal cases] “And do you know what, you’ll probably get your way because the Supreme Court gave Trump immunity and the DOJ has a dumb policy about not prosecuting sitting presidents, and it stinks. We have a stupid system which basically makes getting elected president a get out of jail free card. They’re gonna have to add one to Monopoly that says, ‘Run for president, collect $200.’ And then a second card that says, ‘Unless you’re Rudy Giuliani, then you’re still broke and disbarred and weird.'”
seth meyers
“And sure, at the end of four years there’s literally nothing to show for it. But is that what a Justice Department is even for, results? Or is it all about… the journey?”
seth meyers
[On GOP Congressman James Comer promising to reopen criminal cases against Hunter Biden and claiming “no one is above the law”] “With one notable exception.”
jimmy kimmel
“Pretty awesome that by winning the presidency, you get off scot free from your many legal cases. Justice is served. Republican defenders are gonna start giving this advice to clients who get busted selling weed. ‘Okay Dougie, I know you’re facing six months in county lockup so you can either fight the charges or, hear me out, run for president.’ ‘Awww, they’re never gonna like me, man. I once pretended to give a BJ to a microphone.’ ‘Would you believe that is no longer a problem?'”
seth meyers
Peaceful, Some Might Say Timid, Transfer of Power
Look, it is empirically the good and honorable—and American—thing that Democrats, in the wake of Donald Trump’s Tuesday victory, immediately conceded and committed to a peaceful transfer of power. But that doesn’t make their almost impatient rush to hand the keys to the nuclear codes back to an obvious Russian stooge, under-investigation (oops, not any more) seditionist traitor, and all-around soulless monster any less galling.
It’s a feature of the Republican strategy writ large. They know Democrats—what with their respect for the Constitution and laws and stuff—will always take the high road, which gives Republicans free reign to pelt them with water balloons filled with contemptuous pee from their private jet. And while some Democrats like recently reelected Rhode Island Senator Sheldon Whitehouse at least promised to “contain” Trump’s impending and appalling excesses and crimes against humanity this time around, it was still all late-night hosts could do to choke back vomit at the sight of others falling all over themselves to pretend that any of this is remotely normal.
“Woww, peaceful transfer of power. Let’s hear it for the bare minimum of a democracy.”
ronny chieng
“The President gave a gracious speech. He told the nation, ‘You can’t love your country only when you win.’ Which got a huge laugh in the lunch room at Mar-a-Lago.”
jimmy kimmel
“During his speech, Biden said, ‘You can’t love your country only when you win.’ Then he said, ‘But since I didn’t win or lose, I can do whatever the hell I want.'”
jimmy fallon
“Yes, Kamala called Trump, conceded the race, and told him there should be a peaceful transfer of power. And you know as soon as Trump hung up the phone, he was like, ‘Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, that’s great. F**kin’ pussies.'”
ronny chieng
“So I guess American democracy still works—as long as the guy who likes overthrowing the government wins the election because then he won’t overthrow the government.”
ronny chieng
“Oh my God, we get it, okay? You people f**king love transferring power peacefully. Just on and on about it. Hey, maybe if Democrats tried an insurrection once in a while, they could actually start winning something.”
ronny chieng
“You know Biden is in a powerful position right now. Thanks to Trump’s buddies on the Supreme Court, the president has immunity from prosecution for official acts. I say take that sucker for a ride. I would confiscate Clarence Thomas’ RV and go for a little POTUS immunity road trip, if you know what I mean.”
jimmy kimmel
“So with the transfer of power happening, we’re going to be talking about Donald Trump. I for one did not think when I came out of the jungles of Malaysia to do comedy that I would be making jokes about Donald Trump every day for 13 years straight. 13 years! I don’t talk about anybody as much as I—I don’t talk about my mom as much as I talk about this guy. I don’t talk about my wife as much as I talk about this guy. My wife thinks I’m having an emotional affair with him.”
ronny chieng
“I’m gonna be talking about this guy on my f**king deathbed. Which I assume is gonna be in about three years when he somehow brings back the bubonic plague.”
ronny chieng
[On Democrats’ immediate post-loss infighting] “You think Kamala Harris was too far left? She was campaigning with Liz Cheney. The only way she could have run a more mainstream, centrist campaign is if she would have formed a Huey Lewis cover band with Mitt Romney and did a cameo on Law & Order.”
seth meyers
Elect a Fascist Clown, Get a Fascist Circus
With the [chokes down own bile] reelection of Donald Trump, the prospect of a government staffed entirely this time around by nothing bur ass-kissers, spineless henchmen, lizard-like Nazi deportation fetishists (looking at you, Stephen Miller), and whichever Trump family members Trump can actually remember the names of is merely one of the things giving hosts the night-sweats. And, you know, plenty of material.
“We still don’t know the entire parade of clowns, degenerates, and in-laws that Trump will have running this country. But one guy we know will have a major role is RFK Jr. Now if you’re not familiar with him it’s probably because he ran for president and nobody cared.”
stephen colbert
[On Trump appointee for human health RFK Jr.’s many, many bizarre actions] “Now that sounds deranged, but he actually has a good reason for all of this—a worm got into his brain and ate a portion of it and then died. So naturally this whale-decapitating, bear-dumping, walking talking worm cemetery is who Donald Trump wants to put in charge of our nation’s health.”
stephen colbert
[On Trump promising to let Kennedy “go wild on medicine”] “Oh good. Because that’s exactly how I like my medicine. Wild. It’s just like the directions on the pill bottle say: Go crazy balls every 2-4 hours with food.”
stephen colbert
[On Kennedy railing against the chemicals in Fruit Loops—by lying about the chemicals in Canadian Fruit Loops] “Now I’m not the smartest guy in the room. There are no worms lining up to eat portions of my brain. But I went to the Kellogg’s Canada website and it turns out Canadian Fruit Loops actually have 26 ingredients. And that doesn’t even count the gravy, which Canadians use to make fruit-ine.”
stephen colbert
“The crazy thing is, there are still two months before our long national nightmare even begins. It’s like we’re standing in the middle of the road waiting for a bus to hit us but it’s still 40 miles away.”
jimmy kimmel
[On Elon Musk and several other of the richest Trump supporters reaping billions following Trump’s victory] “So conservatives are taking joy from liberal sadness but, hey, it’s not all bad. Some people are doing great after Trump’s victory. You know, like the small town farmers and factory workers he promised to help—and I’m just f**king with you, it’s rich dudes.”
seth meyers
[On Donald Trump Jr. claiming to be playing a major role in the transition] “Great. It’s take your dumbass to work day.”
ronny chieng
[On Trump Jr. promising the administration will ditch anyone “who think they know better than the duly elected president”] “‘Yeah, no more smart people! Only people who look at my idiot dad and go, ‘What a f**king genius.'”
ronny chieng
[On proposed Trump appointees from Elon Musk and convicted felon Steve Bannon to RFK Jr. and alt-right nutcase Laura Loomer] “This cabinet looks like the division of the X-Men for the mutants who had too much mutation.”
ronny chieng
“Okay so this is the A-team. And other names floated for his cabinet include Hannibal Lecter, the Menendez brothers, the polio virus, and for the Secretary of transportation, a Cybertruck with a Hitler mustache.”
ronny chieng
“Apparently Vladimir Putin has congratulated Trump through their mutual friends. Oh please, just say Elon.”
jimmy fallon
The Propaganda Pot Calling the Late-Night Host a Propaganda Puppet
Elon Musk, responding to Jimmy Kimmel’s scathing, emotional rundown of all the gut-wrenching probable outcomes of Donald Trump taking office again, called the late-night host “a propaganda puppet.” Well, if there’s one thing we’ve learned, it’s that Jimmy Kimmel loves nothing more than a rich and powerful a-hole deciding to pick a fight.
And if this seems like snarky business as usual from Kimmel, keep in mind that he is now in open public feuds with two influential figures—one of whom has openly called for comics critical of him to be thrown in jail. Because that’s what you voted for, MAGA America. So throw those comedy stink-bombs, Jim. We salute you.
“At least my children like me.”
jimmy kimmel
“The guy who paid people a million dollars a day is calling me a propaganda puppet. Listen Kermit, you bought Twitter. You bought a social media platform that is literally a propaganda machine. Let me tell you something, if I spent two weeks trying to come up with a four-word description of Elon Musk, I don’t think I could do better than ‘insufferable nonsense propaganda puppet.'”
jimmy kimmel
[After quoting Donald Trump claiming he could have made Musk “drop to your knees and beg” when they first met] “I’m sure you guys will be great together now that you’re friends—I’m sure his little hand will fit nicely in your sock-hole.”
jimmy kimmel
Thank God for Monkeys
The reelection of a dangerously unstable, amoral grifter to the highest office in the land has late-night hosts no doubt contemplating their role in the trying and perilous years to come. Is it, for example, truly enough to make cracks about newly-elevated national health czar, anti-vaxxer, and complete conspiracy-headed loony Robert F. Kennedy Jr. for having a penchant for animal mutilation and a dead worm in his brain? Who can say?
But one thing we can always be certain of, no matter how many unqualified, egregiously incompetent sycophants and white nationalist misogynists Donald Trump foists onto our lives, is that a lab-ful of escaped monkeys is going to pep everybody up just a little. And don’t worry—if those rascals (the nature whose research purpose the not at all supervillain-sounding Alpha Genesis company refuses to disclose) turn out to be 43 Outbreak monkeys, at least RFK Jr. will be on the job…
[On 43 research monkeys escaping from a South Carolina lab] “No one knows how this happened. But one theory is that the facility was researching how quickly you could lose 43 monkeys.”
stephen colbert
“The lab, owned by the completely benign-sounding Alpha Genesis corporation, is located on South Carolina’s Morgan Island, known as Monkey Island. Or as it will soon be called—Island.”
stephen colbert
“Not just on the loose, on the loose from the Alpha Genesis facility, which sounds exactly like what an evil laboratory that unleashes an army of monkeys on a town would be named.”
jimmy kimmel
[After local police advised residents to lock their doors and windows] “Adding, ‘But please keep your doorbell camera on. ‘Cause what if they start humping your old jack o’lantern? That would be hilarious.'”
stephen colbert
Potpourri
“The first IHOP-Applebees restaurant is opening in Texas. I hope it goes better than the Hardee’s combined with Dunkin Donuts that became Dee’s Nuts.”
jimmy fallon
[On TGIFridays filing for bankruptcy] “What? But if there are no more TGIFridays, what are we going to thank God for now? I don’t understand, Wednesday? We’re too busy humping! God doesn’t want to see that.”
stephen colbert
[On TGIFridays execs worry that people will actually redeem the $50 million in unclaimed gift cards they sold] “So the greatest threat TGIFridays is facing is that someday it might occur to people to dine there.”
stephen colbert
[On the MAGA conspiracy claiming that Trump’s 2024 win means that Trump’s 2020 loss was rigged… somehow?] “I have to say I’m kind of jealous of these people. I feel like it would be fun to believe everything. Like UFOs, and 5G, chemtrails, aliens built the pyramids, the Illuminati, pizzagate—it’s like living inside a wild South Korean Netflix show.”
jimmy kimmel
[On reports of North Korean soldiers, sent to prop up Russia’s tottering invasion of Ukraine, getting addicted to Western internet porn] “Now since you’re newbies I’m gonna give you a little bit of advice. You’re gonna see a bunch of pop-up ads for single MILFs in your area. But just know, they are totally real. In fact most of the MILFs are hiding in Ukrainian tanks and, if you want a glimpse, you just have to look down that really long peephole on the front of the tank and then knock on the armor and say, ‘Give it to me!'”
stephen colbert
[On U.S. officials being unable to confirm the porn-surfing] “Making this the first time a U.S. intelligence agency has been thwarted by incognito mode.”
stephen colbert
[On Floridians failing to legalize weed] “If you have trouble getting drugs in Florida, you need a faster ATV.”
jimmy kimmel
[On the sex scandal in Equatorial Guinea where an official made over 400 in-office sex tapes, leading to the government installing security cameras] “‘You listen up mister. If you don’t stop making these sex tapes, we will install more cameras from every angle! And if that doesn’t work, we’re gonna fill your desk with so much lube.'”
stephen colbert
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