Looking over Thursday’s monologues, it was all about the economy, stupid. (Nobody’s calling you stupid, dear reader, it’s just an old saying.) With Donald Trump pausing those tariffs on Canada, Mexico, and China that he touted as necessary just days ago, hosts were left to wonder if all the resulting confusion and economic turmoil is a result of some master plan or, you know, the opposite. Here’s our rundown of Thursday’s jokes.
Seth Meyers
In his Thursday “A Closer Look” segment, Meyers delved into the economy under Donald Trump and came up with the in-depth analysis that it is not good. At all. Focusing on the effect of both Trump’s on again-off again tariff threats and the confusion wrought by Elon Musk’s similarly erratic federal firing spree, Meyers also noted how the administration’s response to the ensuing uncertainty hasn’t exactly helped matters.
“Is this a presidential address or a voicemail from my mother?”
on trump’s state of the union complaint that the democrats aren’t more grateful
“You want them to smile? So now the Democrats are getting catcalled by the president. ‘Hey-o, Democrats, you got a pretty face. How ’bout you give us a smile, baby!'”
“That’s the silver lining? I need to start taking care of chickens now?”
on agriculture secretary Brooke Rollins suggesting people should raise backyard chickens to combat high egg prices
“I don’t want to be a farmer! I mean, look at me. The only thing a farmer and I have in common is that we both overdo it on the plaid.”
on Fox News’ rachel Campos agreeing, stating “everyone wants to be a farmer”
“There is no clearer sign that someone is a psychopath than saying, ‘I love you, too,’ when nobody said, ‘I love you.'”
on trump doing both sides of a conversation at the SOTU
“A hundred thousand dollars! That’s like six eggs.”
after a fox news report on rising truck prices
“‘We love the word ‘tariff.’ You know why? Because ‘t’ stands for Trump, ‘a’ is the grade I give myself, and I live to riff. My favorite riff—Arnold Palmer’s got a big old wang.'”
after a clip of trump saying “tariff” is the most beautiful word in the english language
“They’re ‘not fit to have a job right now’ and ‘not willing to come to work?’ They served in the military in war zones. The guy you work for spends most of his time haunting golf courses like the ghost of a guy who got eaten by a crocodile on the 12th hole.”
after trump adviser Alina Habba excused the administration firing thousands of veterans from their government jobs
Michael Kosta
It was all about those tariffs over at The Daily Show as well, with Michael Kosta similarly mocking Trump for backtracking from his “tariffs are easy” stance to the State of the Union’s “there will be some period of adjustment,” to today’s pause on levies on Canadian and Mexican autos.
“‘It’s a beautiful word. That’s why I named my daughter Tariffany.'”
“This guy is so horny for tariffs, isn’t he? ‘I love any word with big natural double ‘f’s.'”
“By the way, who thinks the word recession is offensive, finance bros? Did they get woke? ‘Before we discuss the impending r-word, we begin by acknowledging that we are on the ancestral grounds of the Capitol Grille, where Chad was unjustly removed by the bartender before he could get a chance to cheat on his wife.'”
on one broadcaster using “the r-word” instead of “recession”
“Yeah, nonsense! ‘It’s not inflation, people, it’s just higher prices on food and cars and gas, and every other product we import from our biggest trading partners.'”
on trump commerce secretary howard lutnick pooh-poohing the idea that americans are experiencing inflation
“Wait, wait, wait, after all that, tariffs are on hold? Trump just backed away from those tariffs like it was a longtime friendship with Jeffrey Epstein.”
“Oh sh*t. China? China don’t play. They’re like, ‘If you’ve got beef, we’ve got broccoli, b*tch, let’s go.'”
on tariff target china claiming they “are ready for a trade war, or any other kind of war”
“Listen Donald, Canada and Mexico are one thing, but please don’t piss off China. I know you wrote The Art of the Deal, but they wrote The Art of War.”
Stephen Colbert
Opening his Thursday monologue, Stephen Colbert offered a glimpse into the Late Show‘s process in fashioning each night’s topical jokes. That organizing principle during the opening months of this administration? [Cue dramatic, spooky music] “Madness, chaos, mute horror in the face of an infinite and arbitrary universe.” Also tariffs.
“So tariffs may raise prices and hurt American consumers, but we must have them, for they protect the soul of our country! Until today.”
on trump’s day-after pause on the tariffs he claimed were so necessary
“‘Frankly folks, souls are overrated. I sold mine years ago in exchange for the ability to do anything I want with zero repercussions.'”
Colbert then moved on to the “chaos” caused by Elon Musk and his “geek-stapo.”
“That is the sound of Tesla sales plummeting.”
on the chorus of boos greeting Musk’s name
“That’s the kind of heart-stopping urgency that’s a strategy known as ‘your mom texting you at 7 a.m.’ ‘Please call me… prayer hands emoji.'”
on musk’s “read this immediately” subject line to the fired CDC workers he now wants back on the job
“No. ‘Disruption’ is when your cable goes out during a storm. This is your cable guy burning your house to the ground—between the hours of noon and 6 p.m. on Thursday.”
on the email’s “sorry for the disruption” apology
“You’re firing fifteen percent of your workers! At least give them the courtesy of a second take.”
on the fumbling video announcing the firing of 70,000 veterans administration workers by trump’s VA secretary doug collins
“But you know the DOGE motto: If it ain’t broke, let me try!”
on the cuts undermining the record-breaking satisfaction from veterans during the Biden administration
“Oops-a-DOGE-y!”
on plans to sell off government buildings, including the HQ of the general services administration—which oversees selling government properties
As Colbert noted, all this seemingly arbitrary cutting has started to backfire on Republicans
“Yes, millions of young people cannot stand Elon Musk. And those are just his kids.”
on a poll showing massive disapproval of doge from young voters
“And that’s Wisconsin. Those are some of the nicest people in America. Normally the only way to get them that mad is to tell them they’re not allowed to drink on a snowmobile.”
on constituents booing rep. Scott Fitzgerald (R-WI) at a town hall
“With fury rising, yesterday congressional Republicans called Musk to Capitol Hill where they took a firm stance against this unelected oligarch—and ‘gently questioned him.’ Yes, the GOP is using that classic strategy, good cop-nicer cop. ‘Hey you’re better off talking to me, buddy, because when my partner comes in here, he’s bringing lemon bars—and they are exquisite.'”
“For once I agree with you, sir.”
on Alabama republican senator Tommy Tuberville saying of doge, “They know what they’re doing a hell of a lot more than i do”
Jimmy Fallon
Trade war? More like a monologue war, am I right?
“It is tough news for all the Spring Breakers who booked a trip to Nova Scotia.”
on canadian stores pulling all american liquor off of shelves in response to trump’s tariffs
“Yeah, Canada is now no longer selling bottles of Jack Daniel’s, Fireball, and Tito’s Vodka. Or as Democrats are currently calling it, breakfast.”Â
“When asked how he describes his economic policy, Trump said, ‘Basically, I just keep hitting snooze.'”
on the off and on tariffs
“Say what you want about the tariffs, but no one has suffered more than the guy who owns a combination Taco Bell-Tim Hortons-Panda Express.”
“Tickets cost $200, wait $50, wait $120, wait… now it’s nothing. It’s worth nothing.”
on trump’s planned white house “crypto summit”
“America was like, ‘That’s great news—wait, what do they know?'”
on the trump administration trying to rehire 180 workers at the centers for Disease Control who they just fired
“Staffers were like, ‘Well I pulled my kids out of college, sold my house, but other than that no harm done.'”
on the rehiring email apologizing if there was any disruption
Even the rest of the world’s jokes saw some tariffs levied against them.
“It is tough news for all the Spring Breakers who switched their flights from Nova Scotia to North Korea.”
on North korea abruptly halting its tourism program
“They’ll eventually reopen to tourism when Trump makes North Korea the 52nd state.”
“Netflix just announced their second live boxing event. And I honestly think Jake Paul has a pretty good chance against Dick Van Dyke.”
Jimmy Kimmel
At least Jimmy Kimmel moved on to some of the other controversial moves by the Trump administration in its first 45 days—wait, nope, the tariffs snuck in there, too.
“That’s right, WWE co-founder Linda McMahon will supervise the important work of dismantling the Department of Education. Good for him though. Another genius tactical move, I’ll tell you why. He keeps getting attacked by all these smart people, so what does he do? He outlaws smart.”
“Of course it’s also a win for Linda McMahon. The less educated we are, the more likely we are to believe that wrestling is real.”
“Their plan, they say, is to turn control over education to the states. In other words, bad news Mississippi, your kids aren’t going to be able to spell Mississippi any more.”Â
“At this point, even Putin’s like, ‘Hey reel it in a little. You’re making this a little too obvious.'”
on trump’s plan to deport 200,000 ukrainian refugees
“Our co-president Elon Musk has endorsed the idea of the U.S. pulling out of both NATO and the United Nations. Which is big because Elon Musk, you know, he has 14 kids—he doesn’t ever pull out of anything.”
“I don’t think we need to finish the wall. I think this administration’s already doing a pretty good job of making sure no one wants to live here.”Â
on J.D. Vance claiming the border wall is a thing again
“They might have to build a wall to keep us in at this point.”
“It will be replaced by a production of Kanye West Side Story, followed by an all-white production of The Wiz.”
on lin-manuel miranda pulling a planned hamilton production to protest trump taking over the kennedy center
“And this is a painstaking process for Canadians because they apologize to each bottle as they remove it from the shelf.”
on canadian stores’ american booze boycott
“It’s like we suddenly got hooked on meth and went to the apartment upstairs, you know? ‘You got any money?'”
“If you are in the market for a new or gently used frittata, Facebook is the place right now.”
on the proliferation of rent-a-chicken sales pitches in response to exorbitant egg prices
Taylor Tomlinson
“It’s been a pretty bad week for the world,” noted the After Midnight host as she kicked off her Thursday monologue, adding, “but I have a gift for you.” That gift? An alleged sex tape by alleged CEO killer Luigi Mangione.
“Luigi Mangione is the name of the accused murderer of a healthcare CEO whose name was… ahhh, he’s not hot, so I can’t remember.”
“Luigi won everybody’s hearts when he was the target of a widespread manhunt. Which is also a great title for these videos.”
While Tomlinson acknowledged that all this lusting after an accused murderer might be iffy, she went on to play videos from women expressing just how wretched it is on the dating scene. There’s the guy who wouldn’t let his date order at a restaurant for two hours. Or the guy on a dating app who threatened to straight-up murder her “like Ted Bundy” when she called out his grammar. Suddenly conjugal visits don’t sound that bad.
“Like what the f*ck, let the girl eat! This is a date, why are you treating this like a police interrogation. Like, ‘Yeah, you’ll get to eat—once you tell me how many siblings you have!'”
“Look, this is bad, but at least he didn’t waste her time. I mean, most guys can take two, even three dates to admit they want to kill you. Hell, some guys try to starve you on the first date.”
“Also, the guy says, ‘depends if you’re gonna cancel me or not.’ Bro, here’s a tip—you can’t be cancelled if nobody gives a sh*t who you are. All of these random losers like, ‘I’m gonna get cancelled!’ It’s like, cancelled for what, j*rking off in your mom’s attic?”
Receive our daily monologue round-ups via email:Â sign up here.
