Missed Monday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Dogs and Cats, Living Together…
Well, the total solar eclipse came and went in the run-up to each late-night show’s taping on Monday. And, confounding evangelicals, the superstitious, and Republican politicians from Marjorie Taylor Green to Mike Johnson to Arkansas Governor Sarah Huckabee Sanders (who declared a state of emergency, for reasons), the biblical Rapture did not arrive with it to sweep the (self-)righteous up to Heaven. That left those who attempted to lay blame for this week’s spate of unusual natural phenomena on the LGBTQI community, abortion, Joe Biden, immigrants, and other people they don’t like with egg on their flushing, still earth-bound faces.
“The big news today—the world ended!,” was Jon Stewart’s perhaps hopeful greeting to his somehow in attendance Daily Show audience, before he and his late-night brethren moved on to mock those looking to turn a majestic celestial event or the movement of tectonic plates into attacks on political targets with the pretzel logic of those who used to toss virgins into volcanoes.
[Following clips of Fox News claiming that immigrants were planning to seize the four-minute totality to sneak across the Mexico-U.S. border] “Or… they could just wait ’til nighttime.”
jon Stewart
“Yes, oh yes, immigrants in dark clothing are using the eclipse to try and sneak across the border. They won’t get another opportunity like that until… night.”
stephen colbert
“Is there nothing that Fox can’t tie to immigration? ‘This year’s cicada infestation provides perfect cover… for Venezuelans.'”
jon stewart
“If you’re excited about the eclipse and the sky turning totally black, wait ’til you hear about nighttime.”
jimmy kimmel
“As beautiful and otherworldly as eclipses are, there is a simple scientific explanation. For a brief moment the dread god Telebreon devours Mother Moon to punish gentle Tala-Oth the Man Within. That’s why we ring the bell of noontime darkness to frighten Telebreon back into the Horn of Dusk. I learned all that from Neil deGrasse Tyson.”
Stephen Colbert
[Responding to GOP Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene saying that the New York earthquake and today’s eclipse were “strong signs” God was warning Americans to repent] “‘Strong signs?’ it was a 4.8. If that’s a sign, then the F train has been telling us to repent for years.”
seth meyers
“I think we’ll all remember where we were when we said, ‘What’s that sound? Is my neighbor making a smoothie?'”
stephen colbert
“Is this sh*t really how God works? ‘I must let man know to repent their wickedness.’ ‘How, Lord?’ ‘Welll, I don’t know, dim the lights for like four minutes?’ ‘And, God, what else?’ ‘Give New Jersey a little shake?'”
jon stewart
“The eclipse caused zoo animals to do the unthinkable—anything.”
stephen colbert
“After Friday’s earthquake, everyone asked, ‘Did you feel it?’ After today’s eclipse, everyone asked, ‘Did you see it?’ Which is better than the usual question in New York, ‘Did I sit in that?'”
jimmy fallon
[On footage of eclipse-watchers queuing up to buy protective glasses] “It was kind of nice to see people lined up at drugstores again for something other than toilet paper.”
jimmy kimmel
[On the Trump campaign’s bizarre video of a huge Trump-head silhouette blocking out the sun] “We will save America by plunging it into complete and total darkness!”
jimmy kimmel
“That is a hell of a campaign message: ‘I will bring darkness upon the Earth!'”
stephen colbert
[Over photo of Donald Trump staring directly into the last eclipse] “Trump handles an eclipse the same way he handles a porn star, unprotected.”
jimmy kimmel
Bund-Raiser
With the Trump campaign coffers lagging far behind President Biden’s and the sting of Biden’s recent star-studded and lucrative fundraiser in mind, presumptive GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump held his own right-wing billionaires‘ whip-round at the Florida mansion of hedge fund plutocrat and Trump booster John Paulson over the weekend. While the Trump campaign has claimed the event raised double Biden’s $25 million haul, late-night hosts were only happy to note Trump’s long and documented history of exaggerated financial claims, inauguration size claims, physical attribute claims, and pretty much anything else that can be boasted of without adequate oversight.
Pitching to a crowd of wealthy potential donors (despite his long-ago claims he’s rich enough not to need to cater to donors), Trump was quoted as “play[ing] the hits” according to Stephen Colbert, including promises of more tax cuts for the richest of the rich and a not-remotely-coded appeal to his guests’ bigotry in wishing for more immigrants from “nice countries” like Denmark, Norway, and Switzerland.
“His campaign claimed he raised an eye-popping $50 million. Wow, that is impressive.. or not, because so far the amount has not been verified.”
stephen colbert
“That has big ‘My girlfriend at summer camp is so hot’ energy. ‘Yeah, uh, me and Brenda, we kissed the French way, so it’s so sexy, you can’t verify it. And, and then she gave me 50 million dollars.'”
stephen colbert
[After a montage of candidate Trump promising he’d never stoop to begging for donations] “There is no way Donald Trump has ever turned down millions of dollars in his life. If you tied a five dollar bill to a Roomba and let it loose in Mar-a-Lago, it would keep him preoccupied for the rest of his life. Also, he’d get stuck in a corner.”
seth meyers
“Naturally he got real racist about immigrants, saying, ‘Why can’t we allow people to come in from nice countries… you know, like Denmark.’ Maybe because people don’t tend to flee one of the happiest countries on Earth. ‘Astrid, we have to get out of Copenhagen, the furniture design is too functional.'”
stephen colbert
“While speaking at his Palm Beach fundraiser over the weekend, former President Trump complained that immigrants aren’t coming to the U.S. from ‘nice countries’ like Denmark, Switzerland, or Norway. And then way too late added, ‘Or Slovenia!’”
seth meyers
Potpourri
“South Carolina Senator Tim Scott on Friday launched a new show co-hosted by four other Black Republicans. Sorry, with the four other Black Republicans.”
seth meyers
[On Trump’s lies that babies are being ‘aborted’ after being born] “That’s right, you didn’t know there are baby firing squads going around?”
jimmy kimmel
“Weaponizing food in Ukraine is not kosher. Nor Halal. Sorry if I’m bot-sides-ing this.”
jon stewart
“Every time America tells the world that there’s something we won’t allow, Israel seems to say, ‘Challenge accepted.'”
jon stewart
“UFO is now a UAP, and an STD is an STI. If you come in contact with either one of them, call the Space Force immediately.”
jimmy kimmel
“Former President Trump has apparently told people in private that he could end the war in Ukraine by pressuring the Ukrainians to give up territory to Russia. Ah yes, the guy who still claims he won in 2020 wants someone else to give up.”
seth meyers
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