Missed Monday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Noem Country for Young Dogs
So, South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem murdered a puppy. Lest we here at LateNighter be accused of smearing the Republican Vice Presidential hopeful with the absolute worst thing anyone could imagine, it should be added that Noem herself bragged about killing said dog—a happy 14-month-old wirehaired pointer named Cricket—in the head after the pooch committed the apparently lethal sin of not being especially good at hunting. Oh, and since Noem was on a roll, the right-wing politician also went and fetched the family goat and dispatched that, too, impassively explaining in her forthcoming book that she then fielded her young daughter’s question, “Hey, where’s Cricket?” with, one can assume, a parent’s assurance that all creatures unable to live up to mommy’s standards take one in the face.
Like much of the rest of the world, late-night hosts were all over Noem on Monday, bringing up not just the Cricket-cide but also Noem’s thought process that sharing such a cold-blooded tale of pet-slaughter would be just the thing to get her in good with her potential future boss. As Seth Meyers put it (after referencing Noem’s now-overshadowed weird infomercial for an out-of-state cosmetic dentist), “These stories tell us a lot about Kristi Noem, but they also tell us a lot about Donald Trump. She wants to be his VP and thought both of those things were positives. That when her name came up, Trump would say, ‘Nice teeth, kills dogs—a lot to like.'”
“In her new book, Noem admitted to killing her dog. Now I know that sounds terrible … but it’s much worse.”
stephen colbert
“She thought telling that story would make her look cool. What’s going on, does she think cats can vote?”
seth meyers
[On Noem writing that a better politician wouldn’t tell this story] “Oh I don’t know, I remember William Henry Harrison’s famed slogan: ‘Tippecanoe and I Beat a Raccoon to Death With My Bare Hands.'”
stephen colbert
“When you’re trying to win over voters, I’m not sure being the bad guy in a John Wick movie is the best way to go.”
jimmy fallon
[On Noem’s quote about the doomed Cricket “going out of her mind with excitement chasing those birds” and “having the time of her life”] “But who among us hasn’t seen a dog running through the fields, not a care in the world, and thought, ‘You deserve to die.'”
stephen colbert
[On Noem’s bewildering damage control about also recently killing three family horses] “Way to change the narrative. ‘Yeah, I killed a dog, but in my defense, three horses—sleep with your eyes open, donkey!'”
seth meyers
“Governor Noem, if you don’t like untrainable animals that wolf down chicken I’ve got bad news for you about your party’s nominee.”
stephen colbert
“Just to recap for those who are horrified that she shot a puppy and a goat, she would like you to know she also shoots horses.”
jimmy kimmel
[On Noem writing “I hated that dog” after describing Cricket as “the picture of pure joy”] “‘Kay, this book is starting to sound less like a political memoir and more like the scrawled manifesto of a guy whose neighbors said, ‘He just kind of kept to himself, you know?'”
stephen colbert
“Not one of [Noem’s staff] raised their hand and said, ‘Uh, governor, you think maybe not a great idea to share that story about shooting a whole petting zoo at your house?'”
jimmy kimmel
“So then she shot the goat in the pit. And I don’t want to get into semantics here, but if there’s two dead animals in there, it’s no longer a gravel pit. Its a dead animal pit… featuring gravel.”
stephen colbert
“By the way, the actual title of Noem’s book where she tells this story is No Going Back. Better than her first drafts, Old Yeller 2: He Had It Comin’ and All Dogs Go to Gravel Pit.
stephen colbert
“People are really going to hate her next book, Kristi Noem: Then I Ate It.”
jimmy fallon
Erection Fraud, Continued
With most of the late-night hosts back from vacation, there was plenty of Trump news to catch up on, even though the Trump trial was not in session on Monday owing to the Passover holiday. And while the fact that the first, completely damning witness in the trial of a guy who allegedly paid off a porn star in order to defraud the electorate was named “Pecker” seemed like some irresistible, low-hanging fruit (so to speak), hosts did take the time to responsibly explain that this isn’t a “hush money” trial as much as it is a felony trial about a criminal conspiracy. Of course, nobody could expect these guys to leave that Pecker completely alone, as Stephen Colbert summed up the flood of damaging testimony by noting, “But covering up Trump’s affairs was just the tip of the Pecker.” They’re only human, people.
“Former President Trump has been complaining during his hush money trial that the courtroom is too cold. And Stormy Daniels was like, ‘Your Honor, I’ve heard that excuse before.'”
jimmy fallon
[On the “catch and kill” National Enquirer policy of intercepting potentially damaging Trump stories] “Yes, ‘catch and kill.’ Which is another early title of Kristi Noem’s book.”
stephen colbert
“How oblivious do you have to be to wish your wife a happy birthday outside the courtroom where you’re on trial for paying off a porn star?”
jimmy kimmel
[On upcoming testimony about Trump’s affair with Playboy model Karen McDougal] “Which of course asks the eternal question: If publisher Pecker paid a Playboy Playmate, how many Playboy Playmates did publisher Pecker pay?”
stephen colbert
“The guy’s broken nine out of the 10 commandments, and he came pretty close to getting Mike Pence killed on January 6. That would have been 10 out of 10. He could’ve gotten his card punched.”
seth meyers
“Of course paying off a porn star in installments is technically called the ‘Getting Laid-away Plan.'”
stephen colbert
Potpourri
[Responding to President Biden’s anecdote about his uncle supposedly being eaten by cannibals] “Okay, we get it. Scranton was a tough town.”
seth meyers
[After a delegate released a live dove in the United Nations] “Yeah, it flew around for hours and finally they had to call Kristi Noem in.”
jimmy fallon
[On a large Orlando drug bust] “Wow, that’s almost enough drugs to have a good time in Orlando.”
seth meyers
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