Donald Trump’s historically low approval numbers were the silver lining on a week’s worth of very bad news, as most late-night hosts found themselves playing catch up in their first shows back from spring break Monday night. Here’s our rundown.
Seth Meyers
Meyers kicked off his first show back from a two-week break by speaking for pretty much his entire cohort, saying, “Okay, so we’re gonna get into the news now. But before we do, I just want you to know, I don’t want to do this, okay?”
At least Meyers could pin some gags on recent polls showing that Trump is even more wildly unpopular than the second-worst-ranked president—Donald Trump.
“Donald Trump is the most unpopular president since Kevin Spacey.”
“‘He has broken his own record for being the worst’ is a damning indictment of Donald Trump. But it also doesn’t reflect that well on the rest of us. ‘Who should we get for president?’ ‘Hey, remember that guy form four years ago who was a f*cking disaster, is he avail?'”
Meyers also took aim at those Democrats who continue to parse the messaging of their colleagues actually doing something.
“Bernie is the tough-love guidance counselor who believes in us. He should do his next speech sitting backwarrds on a chair in a high school classroom.”
on Sanders rebutting Elise Slotkin’s complaint that Americans don’t know what “oligarchy” means
“A lett—is this a constitutional crisis or a Jane Austin Novel?”
on Chick schumer boasting about the “very strong letter” democratic leadership sent to trump about censorship of colleges
Jon Stewart
The Daily Show host, too, seemed less than enthused to be back, emerging—very slowly—from under his desk sporting a long, fake white beard to announce the show’s week-long coverage of the first 100 days of Donald Trump’s second administration. Stewart then joined Meyers in stifling giggles at Trump’s historically low approval numbers.
“Unfortunately, I do think that it’s pretty clear that, on the economy, Donald Trump did make a boom-boom.”
after a clip of Trump claiming there would be an economic “trump boom” once he was elected
“Oh my f*cking god, that’s who we’re deporting? A kid with cancer? Trump really doesn’t understand how the Make A Wish Foundation works, does he?”
on the deportation of three U.S. citizen children, including one with cancer
“This Pope had literally touched lepers. He drank sewage water in slums and survived all of it. 10 minutes! 10 minutes talking with J.D. Vance and the Pope is like, ‘God, check please.'”
“‘I’m gonna end the war in Ukraine on day one. [Taps mic] Is this thing on?'”
on trump now saying he was joking when he promised to end the war in Ukraine on day one
“Here’s the kicker. After saying to Russia, ‘Well, what if we divide it where you get everything,’ Putin just kept f*cking bombing. Trump is now reduced from the world’s greatest negotiator to, ‘Aw, c’mon…'”
“100 percent bullsh*t! Here’s how you know”: 200 deals? There’s only, like, 180 countries.”
on trump’s boast he’s brokered tariff deals with 200 countries
Stephen Colbert
The Late Show host also had some fun with Trump’s literally unprecedented unpopularity, along with his attempts to lie his way out of the economic doghouse.
“That is the worst polling number since polling began. I’ve gotta believe that’s hard to hear. ‘Babe, when I said that that was the worst sex ever, I only meant since sex began.'”
“No one’s buying that. ‘I totally had a girlfriend at summer camp. She was a model, we did the whole sex deal. I felt the boobies—all 200 boobies.'”
on trump’s claim that he’s brokered 200 tariff deals he won’t tell us about
“For the record, 200 deals would mean that Trump had made trade deals with all 195 countries in the world, plus five bonus trade deals. ‘It’s true, folks, that’s the art of the deal. I made deals with Wakanda, Narnia, McDonald’s Playland, East Korea, and I just drove a very hard bargain with the princess of Genovia.'”
Of course, the polls aren’t just bad news for Trump, as Trump’s government hatchet man Elon Musk is polling even lower, leading to Musk’s Tesla stock plunging over 70 percent. In response, Musk has stated his plan to spend more time with his failing car company.
“Yes, he wants to be there personally at Tesla to offer all his most valuable employees his sperm.”
Jimmy Kimmel
Kimmel, the only host on duty last week, was quick to jump on the double standard when it comes to presidential attire at official functions, along with those darned poll numbers and Trump attempting to interfere with another country’s election.
“Man oh man, if Obama had worn a blue suit to the Pope’s funeral, Sean Hannity’s head would explode inside Trump’s ass.”
on trump wearing a blue suit to the pope’s funeral
“After almost 100 days in office, Trump is as popular as Kanye at a bat mizvah.”
“That’s right, Canadians, vote for the man who puts the ‘whore’ in Tim Hortons.”
on trump urging canadians to vote for far-right PM candidate pierre Poilievre (who lost)
“Canada is not going to be our 51st state. He just wants to distract us from the fact that J.D. Vance killed the Pope the other day.”
Jimmy Fallon
The Tonight Show host couldn’t help but bring up those poll numbers as well.
“Trump’s approval rating is down to 39 percent. Even measles is polling at 40 percent.”
“Yeah, the calendar says 100 days in office, but the ‘feels like’ has to be in the hundreds of thousands.”
“Trump just announced that he’s bringing back Columbus Day, even though it’s still a federal holiday. Honestly, what better way to celebrate Columbus than announcing something that already exists?”
Taylor Tomlinson
The After Midnight host sniped around the periphery of a busy news week, first getting a bead on Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth’s demand for a dedicated makeup studio adjacent to the Pentagon briefing room.
“To be fair, you have to be on camera a lot when you are constantly f*cking up.”
“I think he’s getting ready for a big f*ck up. Like a big one. Like one day, he’ll drunkenly launch nuclear missiles and be like, ‘Pete Hegseth, who’s that? I’m Mrs. Hegsfire!'”
And then there’s former GOP Rep. George Santos, sentenced last week to seven years in prison for fraud and identity theft.
“it’s so crazy how surprised we are when a politician is actually held accountable. It’s kind of sad. I thought the only people who went to jail these days were innocent college students.”
“Yeah, nice try, George. You’ve been a lot of people, but you’re still not a white woman.”
on santos’ tearful plea for mercy
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