Late-night hosts played catch-up in their Monday night monologues as they attempted to deliver jokes covering an entire weekend’s worth of Donald Trump announcements, pronouncements, and the occasional blasphemous A.I. social media post. Here’s our rundown.
Seth Meyers
Seth Meyers spotted some, let’s call them, “inconsistencies” in Donald Trump’s new vision of austerity. Pointing out that it’s long been customary for the GOP to scream “communism!” at the mention of things like universal health care, Meyers called out Trump’s recent spate of interviews in which he defended possible shortages caused by his wildly unpopular tariff plan by using such working class-relatable examples like how kids only need a couple of dolls, or pencils, or those things that babies get wheeled around in. You know the word—even if Trump can’t quite figure it out.
“Of course Trump starts with kids who have 30 dolls, ignoring that some kids only have one or two. Saying, ‘instead of 30 dolls, give them two’ isn’t good advice for regular parents, it’s good advice for Veruca Salt’s parents.”
“It’s 2025 and this guy’s plan for household savings is to cut from 250 pencils a kid? What’s next, ‘Not every quill needs to be a fancy peacock feather. A pigeon feather works just as well.'”
“Is there any place on earth that has 250 pencils? Oh right, a f*cking golf course.”
“I already knew Trump never helped raise a child but now I’m starting to think he’s never met a child. When his kids were born, he shook their hands one time and said, ‘It’s a pleasure to meet you. I’ll see you in 18 years.'”
“Sure, I guess gasoline would be more important than strollers if babies could drive cars. ‘It’s an easy solution, instead of strollers give the babies drivers licenses. How hard could it be to teach a baby how to drive a car. Rudy Giuliani can do it and he’s basically the same size as a baby.'”
“Now you want fewer options? Donald Trump is out there talking to us like we’re living in the communist Russia he always warned us Democrats were going to bring about.’Is new policy we’re going to bring about. I call it one doll, two pencils.'”
Jon Stewart
The Daily Show’s Monday night host tried his darndest to keep focus. Stewart even brought out a handy chart to mark which Trump-related weekend stories are distracting nonsense (reopening Alcatraz, Trump as Pope, Trump as a buff Jedi knicght), and which ones actually matter (economy-crashing tariffs, GOP hypocrisy, cuts to essential services). Sure, it didn’t work, but he’s only human.
“I have to say, when Trump is talking about what people should do and gets with like, dolls and pencils? Trump has, like, such a Depression-era view of what kids play with in 2025. ‘Kids don’t need 20 sets of those hoops you hit with a stick as you go down the street. Just one hoop is Jim Dandy!'”
“To be fair to Donald Trump, his austerity pitch to the American people is in line with the modest way in which Trump conducts his life. Trump has a monastic view of simple living that says, ‘Hey, what if Saddam Hussein’s palace had a view of Central Park?'”
“If a Democrat had even hinted about toy rationing for American children, we’d have a full week of Fox News special reports on the sobbing children of socialist America, and there would be a boom of gun-toting patriots going, ‘You can have my G.I. Joe when you pry him from my kung fu grip!'”
“But this is the brilliance of Trump. In the same interview where he says to Americans, ‘Sorry about your Christmas, suck it up,’ he talks about a 90 million dollar parade that just so happens to fall on his birthday and is totally worth it.”
“Because they run a museum. They’re not tough-talkin’ wardens, they’re docents with art history degrees. The only person working there is busy fixing those machine that flatten pennies.”
on alacatraz officials lack of response to trump’s plan to reopen the long-shuttered prison
“That wasn’t a gotcha question. Should the president uphold the Constitution? [Shrugs with baffled noise.] On Millionaire, that would be the warmup question, like, ‘What color is an orange?,’ or ‘Name a planet with people on it.'”
on trump telling meet the press that he doesn’t know if it’s his job to uphold the constitution
“Were you even awake? To protect, uphold, and defend—it’s not optional. It’s not an opportunity for you to workshop loopholes in our country’s foundational document. You took an oath. In front of God—and those who are fighting against God.”
on trump apparently forgetting his oath of office
“The volatility of nonsense, from consequential to truly disorienting is unfathomable. While we’re tracing Pope and Alcatraz stories, the Trump administration has gutted funding for America’s food banks, they’ve hollowed out the FAA to the point the Newark Airport is basically inoperable—and not in its usual way.”
“Motherf*cker. Do you know how bad you have to be to make the lives of sick 9/11 responders worse? The Trump administration is now number two on the 9/11 Evil Power Rankings. Bin Laden is still umber one, but you’re closing the gap.”
on the trump administration shutting down health and safety programs for 9/11 first responders
Stephen Colbert
The Late Show host, too, attempted to wade through the toxic sludge that was Trump’s Meet the Press interview, alongside the rest of his weekend emissions.
“Well it’s been great folks, but I think we can roll credits on the United States. Honey, I’m comin’ home.”
on trump claiming he diesn’t know if he has to uphold the constitution
“Okay, that is the dumbest he’s sounded in a while. Quick follow-up, Mister President, do you still have the mental faculties to function as president?” [Clip of Trump answering, ‘I don’t know.’]
“I don’t know why she expects him to know the Fifth Amendment. He only invoked it 450 times on a single day.”
“Then have the trials! Otherwise we’re just living in the least popular Dick Wolf show, & Order.”
on trump complaining about having to give due process to everyone rounded up by his immigration raids
“Wow, who could’ve seen that coming. All good stuff is Trump, all bad stuff is Biden. ‘Sunshine, that’s Trump. Rain? That’s sleepy Joe. Pizza, Trump. Box of spinach you buy because you’re trying to be healthy and you forget about it and it gets dark ad wet so you throw it out? That’s Biden. Ivanka—Trump, Eric—Biden.'”
on trump passing the buck on the economy he’s destroyed
“I know that sounds crazy, but you’ve just gotta believe it was a compromise when his staff told him he couldn’t reopen Azkaban.”
on trump’s alcatraz announcement
“Now, as a Catholic, let me just say in the words of St. Peter, ‘Go f*ck yourself.'”
on trump’s a.i. pope picture
“You were just at the Pope’s funeral! Remember everybody crying and the dead body on the floor? Did you forget that part? ‘Hey, I went to your grandmother’s funeral ad look at me! [Pulls out shirt to simulate boobies.] Look at me, I’m your grandma! Look, I’m wearing her clothes, I love butterscotch and Wheel of Fortune!'”
Jimmy Kimmel
After complaining about the watered down nature of piñatas on this Cinco de Mayo (pull strings, seriously?), Kimmel took some whacks at his own favorite junk food-stuffed target. First up—Donald Trump’s pitch to be the next Pope.
“On Friday, MAGA Teresa posted this picture of himself as the new Pope, Pope Banana Cream Pious. Pope Eggs Benedict. Pope John Pull My Finger.”
“I have to say I knew this would happen. I predicted it, when he went to the funeral he saw all the gold at the Vatican he thought, ‘I could live here.'”
“I’m sure he did do it to be funny and to make everybody who doesn’t like him mad, but what he seems to be forgetting is, he’s the President of the Untied States. Doing funny things to make people mad isn’t his job—it’s my job.”
And since Trump apparently loves cosplay, Kimmel moved on to the official White House social media account publishing another A.I. image—this time of Trump as a buff Jedi knight for Star Wars Day.
“Obese-Wan Kenobi. The MAGAlorian. Tannican Skywalker.”
“In one weekend he upset the two most religious groups on the planet: Catholics and Star Wars fans.”
Being based in L.A. as he is, Kimmel also had plenty to say about Trump’s announced 100 percent tariffs on all foreign-produced movies.
“Which means he had brunch with Jon Voight at Mar-a-Lago this week.”
on trump claiming to have done “strong research” before announcing the tariff
“Next year The White Lotus is going to be set at a Hampton Inn.”
Then there was that whole “I don’t know if I have to uphold the Constitution” interview.
“He doesn’t know if he has to uphold the Constitution, he’d have to ask his lawyers. It’s the same answer he gives when he’s asked where Melania lives.”
“This isn’t one of Don Jr’s birthdays, you can’t just ignore it.”
Finishing up, Kimmel went after Trump’s buck-passing, doll-rationing economic statements.
“I see, it’s ‘Him do good, you do bad. Him parts not good, you parts good.’ Every interview now is like an episode of Kids Say the Darnedest Things.”
“You’re right, think of them like wives. You can have two, three, four…”
on those spoiled girls and their many dolls
Jimmy Fallon
The Tonight Show host did his own quick run-through of the weekend’s highlights (or lowlights, depending on your perspective).
“He was like, ‘Felling blasphemous, might delete later.'”
on the pope picture
“Gonna be fun seeing the next Lord of the Rings filmed in Bayonne, New Jersey.”
on the foreign film tariffs
“Trump was like, ‘All the Avengers movies until Endgame was me, Kraven the Hunter and Madame Web was Biden, Thunderbolts was me again.”
on trump passing the buck on the economy
“It’s pretty bad at Newark Airport. Right now the only air traffic controller’s a 16-year-old staffer they got from the top of a water slide. ‘You can go. You can go. Wait, hold on—yeah, you can go now.'”
don’t fly into newark
Taylor Tomlinson
The After Midnight host tackled The Kentucky Derby and Donald Trump, for setting his tariff sights on something only smart people enjoy.
“The Kentucky Derby was this past weekend. And the winner was a horse named Sovereignty who beat a horse named Journalism, I presume because he got stuck behind a paywall.”
A horse named Sovereignty beating one called Journalism is a little too on the nose for what’s happening right now. Get ready for next year, when Checks and Balances loses to Measles.
“Yeah, how disrespectful to this event that’s based on gambling and animal abuse.”
on some observed claiming outrage at one influencer’s revealing Derby dress
“Donald Trump just threatened a 100 percent tariff on all foreign films. Yeah, if he goes through with this, some film nerd is definitely gonna get caught at the border trying to smuggle Amelie on a flash drive up their ass.”
“Think of all the foreign films we’ll miss out on. Remember Parasite? If he goes through with this, the only parasite we’ll have left is the one living in RFK Jr’s brain.”
“And we all know Trump won’t stop there. First it’ll be a tariff on foreign films, then it’ll be a tariff on films written by women, soon there’ll be a tariff on any film not about a dog playing basketball.”
“We should have seen this coming, though. The horse that came in last place at the Kentucky Derby was called International Cinema.”
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