Missed Monday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
The End?
You know when you’re waiting on some potentially devastating medical test results and your brain keeps eating itself as you ponder the two very different possible outcomes?One where you’re awash with relief so profound that you reevaluate all your priorities and greet each new day with the renewed enthusiasm for life that only someone who’s just escaped the maw of Hell can feel. And the other where not only are you dying, but half the people you know are openly rooting for it?
It was election eve, and late-night hosts were similarly torn between hope and the maniacal laughter of those attempting to not go mad—or sound like Tucker Carlson relating how a demon attacked him in his sleep. (Great work there, Fox News—your former number one “news” star is a giant banana creme pie of crazy with a generous scoop of koo-koo nuts.)
Anyway, it’ll all be over by this time tomor—oh, wait, it won’t? Oh right, because Donald Trump has pledged to once again rally his yahoo followers and sycophantic, traitorous GOP minions to disrupt and sow doubt and fear in our democratic election process, all but ensuring the final tally won’t be decided until days, weeks or several possible violent racist coup attempts after Election Night.
Go on, guys—make us laugh.
[On Kamala Harris advising enthusiastic supporters not to get too excited] “Too late! I have to be excited, because I only have two other choices, absolute terror or Absolut vodka.”
stephen colb ert
“None of us can control what happens tomorrow, we can only control how drunk we are when it happens.”
seth meyers
“I saw that 71 percent of the country’s expected to vote. People are going to be waiting in line for 2-3 hours, and then when they check out at the liquor store, they’re gonna go vote.”
jimmy fallon
“Tomorrow is the big day—Tilda Swinton’s birthday. She’s turning ageless, so congrats to her.”
jordan klepper
“It feels like the whole country is waiting to get the results of a biopsy.”
jimmy kimmel
“Almost two years ago, on November 15, 2022, former President Donald Trump officially declared himself to be a candidate for president again. And now, 720 days, 88 criminal charges, 34 felony convictions, 4 indictments, two democratic opponents, and one garbage truck later, here we are.”
jimmy kimmel
“Here we are, after a two-year campaign, we have finally made it through all 20 years.”
stephen colbert
“Oh I hope everyone enjoyed their extra hour of night terrors last night. Just what this election season needed, an extra hour. “
jimmy kimmel
“If you see someone in the fetal position drenched in sweat, they either just ran the New York City Marathon or they’re waiting for tomorrow’s election.”
jimmy fallon
“We are all, in some true sense, about to witness history, good or bad. I am guessing this is how the people of Pompeii felt when Vesuvius was trying to get reelected.”
stephen colbert
“Yep, it’s that super chill time when the whole country takes on the vibe of a 2 a.m. Waffle House parking lot.”
jimmy fallon
“We are now one day away from having to wait another week to find out who won the election.”
jimmy kimmel
“Yeah, things are tense right now. Even the people who use Tom’s of Maine deodorant are like, ‘This is a week for Degree.'”
jimmy fallon
Oh, Poll You
For those seeking comfort in math, boy do late-night hosts have some bad news for you. The never-wrong pollsters are all over the place, although one thing they can tacitly agree upon is that in no functional society on this or any other planet should a race between Kamala Harris and Donald -f**king-Trump be “too close to call.”
But here we are, with pollsters (especially those not chucking all semblance of statistical integrity by working for the foreign billionaire openly rooting for the end of democracy) unwilling or unable to make predictions as to whether American democracy was just a 245-year phase white people decided wasn’t worth it because they’re only in charge of 97 percent of everything.
Cue more funny.
“How is it possible that half the country thinks Trump is an amoral psychopath who will wreck democracy and the other half thinks he’s an amoral psychopath who will wreck democracy—but it’s worth it because he’s a really good dancer.”
seth meyers
[On the “way too close to call” pollsters] “You’re way too useless! Grow a pair, you cowards! I could get a clearer prediction from a Magic 8 Ball. [Shakes a Magic 8 Ball] Jill Stein 2024?”
stephen colbert
“These polls, they’re mood rings, that’s all they are. They bring you up, they bring you down. ‘Poll’ is short for ‘bi-polar.'”
jimmy kimmel
[On the surprising result from more-right-than-not pollster Ann Selzer showing Kamala Harris ahead of Trump in Iowa] “Holy sh*t, the only thing more shocking that Harris winning Iowa would be Harris winning Mar-a-Lago and the Mar-a-Lago winning TripAdvisor’s ‘Best place to host a wedding that won’t be interrupted by a former president giving a long speech about Arnold Palmer having a horse d*ck.'”
seth meyers
[On the Iowa poll showing massive Harris support from senior women] “Ooh, senior women AAR-pissed.”
stephen colbert
“Save me, Gam-Gam.”
stephen colbert
Final Oral Argument
Okay, that wasn’t a great joke, but what can a guy say at this point.
Republican operatives and shocked-in-spite-of-everything MAGA internet trolls alike have tried to spin it, but—Donald Trump mimed sucking a d*ck onstage at one of his rallies over the weekend.
Why would a major presidential candidate do such a thing mere days before the election? I mean, there are theories: dementia, exhaustion, exhaustion-related dementia. Maybe Trump was just finding the sweet spot where his remedial middle school sense of humor could really shine. Or maybe nothing matters any more in a world where Donald-f**king-Trump has been poisoning political discourse for nearly a decade.
Late-night hosts got a breather on this one (you know what I mean), since the jokes—well, they really do write themselves.
“Now I know I’m always saying on this show, ‘And then things got weird…’ But trust me in this case—oh did they.”
stephen colbert
[Frantically clicking a remote control] “Oh my God, sorry. Oh my God, I just had a flashback to trying to turn off Cinemax because I heard my parents coming down the stairs.”
seth meyers
“I was wrong. Evidently he does have a jobs plan.”
stephen colbert
“His staff was like, ‘Oh my God, he’s blowing it.'”
jimmy fallon
“What are we doing here, people? [Clip of Trump dancing] I hate to say it but can we go back to the handjob routine, please?”
jordan klepper
“Seriously dude, if you did that during charades you’d be banned from game night.”
seth meyers
“This has got to be the most lewd presidential moment since Ronald Reagan. [Dubbed clip of Reagan in Berlin] ‘Mister Gorbachev, spit on that thang!'”
stephen colbert
“I mean you know a campaign has gone off the rails when you go to watch C-SPAN and it asks if you’re over 18.”
jordan klepper
“You spend almost an entire decade trying to elevate the discourse and avoid easy anti-Trump jokes so you can focus instead on the grave consequences of Trump’s deeply corrosive policy agenda that would irrevocably poison American democracy and cause mass suffering for millions of people, and right at the finish line he make it impossible to avoid—the dude f**king blows. That’s just an accurate description of what he’s doing, what he chose to do.”
seth meyers
“But Trump didn’t finish there—and neither did the mic.”
stephen colbert
“Here’s how bad that was. After the rally, Rudy tried to get the microphone to sign an NDA just out of habit. ‘I’m gonna whisper so no one can hear us. What do you mean you amplify sound? Ohhh, Rudy, you did it again!'”
seth meyers
[On Trump seeming to deflect from what he’d done by claiming people would wonder if he’d hurt his back(?)] “That’s not what they’re saying. They’re saying, ‘Wow, I guess it’s that microphone’s birthday.'”
stephen colbert
[On Trump’s pre-BJ meltdown, where he complained at length about having to use a handheld microphone] “You’re blowing up your arms? He can’t hold up a microphone? He’s not strong enough to be Commander in Chief. He’s not even strong enough to be Karaoke in Chief.”
stephen colbert
Only the Best Complete Maniacs
With Donald Trump’s former appointees, officials, his former Vice President, and seemingly everybody who’s ever worked for him coming out against him ever being allowed into the White House again, Trump has had to reach deep into the depths of the MAGA trench to scrape up the people who’d be sycophantic, evil, or just plain insane enough to serve him in a second term.
How about an anti-democracy Apartheid-born billionaire who’s bankrupting two major companies at the same time to head up a nebulous “cost-cutting” government position? Or a CTE-suffering former football player and failed GOP candidate in charge of an unbuilt but super-cool new missile defense system? Or maybe the anti-vaxxer failson of a once-proud Democratic dynasty with a penchant for animal mutilation and a promise to ban abortion nationwide as the unquestioned chief of all medical, environmental, and health care decisions?
Having shed anyone with anything resembling baseline competence or sanity with his first, scandal-plagued, plague-plagued administration, Trump is now going full-on bootlicker loonies for his inner circle. You know, just like when he wished he had Hitler’s generals instead of the career military members who warily served him last time. (Also, it’s at least comforting that Trump does not know how Hiter’s generals actually felt about him—and what they did about it.)
[On Trump promising free reign to RFK Jr. as long as he gets to “work the liquid gold,” presumably meaning oil] “Okay, so let me get this straight. You’re gonna give RFK Jr. women’s health, regular health, food, pesticides, and, quote, “everything.” And in return you’re just gonna suck all the oil out of the ground.”
jordan klepper
“Generally speaking, nobody who actually knows anything about medicine says the words ‘I’m gonna go wild on medicines.’ There’s not a show called Doctors Go Wild—although there should be! McDreamy, McSteamy, I haven’t seen anything that pornographic since Trump went down on that mic earlier in this Closer Look.”
seth meyers
“This is a lot of sh*t to drop on us the day before Election Day. You spent two years talking about tariffs and now you’re like, ‘Oh by the way, the guy with brain worms is in charge of everybody’s health. If you need me, I’ll be in Texas working the drills.'”
jordan klepper
“You know, you might be thinking Trump is just talking out of his ass. But RFK Jr. doesn’t think so because, unlike getting rid of a bear corpse, he’s put a lot of thought into this.”
jordan klepper
[On Kennedy and Trump plotting in perfect conspiracy lunatic unison to remove fluoride from drinking water] “I mean where did this come from? Even the people who wrote Project 2025 were like, ‘Fluoride, did we put that in here?'”
jordan klepper
“This whole campaign I’ve been preparing for the worst case scenario but not the weirdest case scenario. Now I gotta worry about soft teeth. Do you know how many Trump rallies I’ve been to? Do you know how many? Do you know how many? Not once did I ever hear him say, ‘People’s teeth are too hard, we’re gonna fix that.'”
jordan klepper
[After former NFL star Walker got Trump’s name wrong three times in about 5 seconds in his introduction] “I mean just for safety, Walker should still wear his old helmet even during speeches.”
seth meyers
“He got off that stage so fast the Cowboys just signed him to start against the Eagles on Sunday.”
jimmy kimmel
“I’m not sure what inspires less confidence, putting Walker in charge or referring to a highly complex missile defense system that would presumably involve the world’s most advanced weaponry and communications technology as ‘that little sucker.’ Like it’s the gopher that’s been eating his petunias.”
seth meyers
Wow, They Have Tape Recorders in Hell?
Author Michael Wolff, who needs to work on his timing, dropped what in any other, sane world would be a career of not freedom-ending bombshell this weekend. He released over 100 hours of audio recordings of dead pedophile, sex trafficker, and decades-long Donald Trump wingman and cruising buddy Jeffrey Epstein confessing that Trump never—as he’d claimed—ditched Epstein after his arrest for being a sex predator, that Trump was his best pal right up until the (not at all suspicious) end in federal custody, and that, among other things, he has compromising photos of Trump still locked away somewhere.
The mainstream media is (again, not at all suspiciously) refusing to cover these on-tape confessions as feverishly as they did that time Joe Biden didn’t really call Trump supporters “garbage,” so it can’t be that big a deal, right?
“A bombshell audio tape in which Jeffrey Epstein says that he was Trump’s closest friend and shares a bunch of crazy stories, this barely moves the needle. Remember when Mitt Romney went down because he put a dog carrier on the roof of his car?”
jimmy kimmel
[On Epstein claiming Trump has “no moral compass” for his habit of sleeping with friends’ wives] “Do you know what kind of lowlife you have to be for Jeffrey Epstein to say you have no moral compass? That’s like if R. Kelly got mad at you for leaving the toilet seat up.”
jimmy kimmel
“Epstein said that the first time Trump had sex with Melania was on his own private plane. And if that isn’t a storybook romance, I don’t know what is.”
jimmy kimmel
Goat-Sucker Carlson
No, disgraced, too-racist-even-for-Fox-News conspiracy creep Tucker Carlson isn’t saying he was attacked in his sleep by infamous cryptozoological monster, the Goat-Sucker (aka El Chupacabra). Wait, apologies. Carlson, who recently spoke at Donald Trump’s Madison Square Garden hate rally, is 100 percent saying that he was attacked in his bed by a literal demon, which left him scratched and bloodied.
By a demon.
It’d be a scandal that Fox News touted this guy as their golden boy bigot pundit for decades—you know, if it weren’t Fox News. Look for the demon to get his own show, Democrats Are From Hell, this winter on Fox!
“Tucker Carlson got mauled by a demon in bed. He got Babadooked.”
jimmy kimmel
[On Carlson saying the attack happened while he was in bed with his wife and dogs] “And strangely the most unbelievable part of the story is that he has a wife.”
jimmy kimmel
[On Carlson breaking out his Joker-style mirthless cackle at the memory] “He sounds like a Tickle Me Elmo on his third line of cocaine.”
seth meyers
“Sounds like somebody finally cracked into that ketamine Elon sent him for Christmas.”
jimmy kimmel
“This is bonkers. You’ve got dogs, you’ve got demons—this is basically the story of Son of Sam.”
jimmy kimmel
In Summation (Candidates Edition)
While final, coordinated get out the vote efforts (on Harris’ part) and feverish, sweaty coup plotting (on Trump’s) are really all the candidates have left in their respective bids for the White House, the difference in tone and message is—let’s call it illuminating.
[On the final rush of celebrity endorsements]”Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill, and Dick Cheney are all supporting Kamala Harris. Han Solo, Luke Skywalker, and Darth Vader—this is one hell of a Rebel Alliance.”
jimmy kimmel
“Lady Gaga! Katy Perry! Ricky Martin! If you stole their album on Limewire, they’re probably endorsing Kamala Harris.”
jordan klepper
[On Trump’s waning crowd sizes—as shown when a rally cameraman went very rogue over the weekend] “The part that confuses me is the people at the rally looking at the empty seats while he’s saying there are no empty seats. How much washing can a human brain take?”
jimmy kimmel
“I mean what gives, do audiences not want to see a 78-year-old simulate fellatio on a piece of audio equipment any more?”
seth meyers
“How dare they fact check him with immediate visual evidence.”
jimmy kimmel
[On Republicans focusing on the euthanized death of a pet squirrel to attack Kamala Harris… for something?] “Okay everyone, we are mere hours before Election Day and Republicans’ final message is, ‘We must avenge the death of Peanut the squirrel.’ Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad Republicans finally care about police brutality.”
jordan klepper
“Here we are with all of MAGA-world mourning the death of Peanut the squirrel. Well, not RFK Jr.—he already has Peanut marinating in his fridge.”
jordan klepper
“Over the weekend he fantasized about seeing Liz Cheney with guns in her face, he said he shouldn’t have ever left the White House in 2020, he said he’d build a missile defense shield and put Herschel Walker in charge of it, he said the polls that don’t show him winning should be illegal, he brought up Hannibal Lecter again for no reason, he did the old Chris Christie is not a fat pig routine, and we learned that Jeffrey Epstein was Trump’s best friend for 10 years. I still don’t understand how this race is so close. This is like ordering a Coke and the waiter says, ‘Is gasoline okay?'”
jimmy kimmel
“He’s just casually joking about reporters getting shot. You know, I guess you’d be grouchy too if you had to do all your campaign events encased in glass like a stick of deodorant at Walgreens.”
jordan klepper
[On Trump spokes-liar Steven Cheung claiming Trump saying he wouldn’t mind if journalists got shot was just Trump looking out for reporters’ welfare(?)] “The idea that he is concerned about anyone’s welf—he would push Eric into traffic just to hail a cab.”
jimmy kimmel
“But Trump’s closing argument is more than just, ‘Watch me get to third base with this podium.’ He’s also presenting a very strong case that his brain done broke.”
stephen colbert
[On Trump dispiritedly telling a rally he “never should have left” the White House after losing the 2020 election] “Jesus, he sounds like a guy at the end of the bar muttering to no one about an old flame.”
seth meyers
[On Trump dispiritedly asking his crowd, “I mean, I’m a human being, right?] [Long, classically hilarious deadpan pause, interrupted by several false starts] “Pass?”
stephen colbert
“This is how they are choosing to end their campaign. Unhinged allegations of cheating, whining about comedy shows, floating plans to ban vaccines, and threatening to retaliate against enemies, outlaw polls, and penalize speech they don’t like. Trump is not being subtle about the threat he poses. He’s dangerous, he’s even starting to look like a traffic sign that says road closed ahead.”
seth meyers
[On Harris’ uplifting TV commercial] “Look I know it’s just an ad, but it is refreshing to see something positive from a politician rather than another attack ad with ominous music about how roving gangs of transgender prisoners are coming with military style weapons to occupy your suburban neighborhood, outlaw your hamburgers, and force you to drive a Prius with a bumper sticker that says Science Is Real.”
seth meyers
“So that’s Harris’ inspiring closing message. It’s positive, it’s turn the page, it’s brighter future. Trump’s message is a little simpler. It’s, ‘Bring me the liver of my enemy on a stick.'”
stephen colbert
In Summation (Late-Night Hosts Edition)
“So to sum up, we are [checks watch] an hour away from Election Day. We have a presidential candidate descending even further into madness, a legion of of his supporters ready to follow him into battle, the Capitol’s all boarded up and ready for a final showdown, our kids’ teeth are about to fall out, the police are executing squirrels, and tomorrow is the climactic day when we discover if Earth will continue existing in its muddled mess or we all go creaming into Hell. I guess what I’m saying is, don’t forget to vote.”
jordan klepper
“This is my closing argument, if you will. Forget about what side you’re on. I want you to just take a moment to imagine a world in which you wake up in the morning, you check the news, and no one says the words Donald or Trump. Just a bunch of normal, boring stuff, wouldn’t that be nice? No lawn signs, no red hats, no arguing with your grandfather. You check the sports, Al Roker does the weather, off to work you go. Wouldn’t that be wonder—let’s remove this cancerous polyp from our collective national colon and move on already.”
jimmy kimmel
And take a deep breath for this last message from Seth Meyers. (Poor Wally.)
“So that’s the choice Republicans want to present to you, that’s their closing message. Are you going to vote for a woman whose laugh they don’t like, or are you gonna vote for a guy who fomented a violent coup attempt after a months-long campaign to overturn the 2020 election, who undercut the nation’s response to a deadly pandemic that spiraled out of control because he tried to cover it up, lied about its severity, promoted sham treatments for it, said we could cure it by injecting disinfectant and shining powerful lights inside the body, became the first president since Herbert Hoover to oversee a net jobs loss, couldn’t figure out how to close an umbrella, cosplayed as a sanitation worker even though he fell while getting into the truck, and pretended to work at McDonald’s even though he couldn’t remember what the fryer was called. Laughed about firing workers with the richest man alive, bragged about refusing to pay overtime and said I don’t want a poor person running the economy, oversaw an increase in corporate profits while manufacturing jobs declined, presided over an unprecedented spike in crime while home prices rose by 30 percent, the national debt rose by 8 trillion, and the number of Americans without health insurance rose by 3 million. Tried to rip health care from over 20 million Americans but reassured everyone he had concepts of a plan, told a story about a dead golfer’s penis, regaled Boy Scouts with stories about sexy yacht parties, humped the American flag not once but multiple times, told women he would protect them whether they liked it or not, and would put a man who was investigated for cutting the head off a whale with a chainsaw in charge of vaccines and women’s health. Insulted service members, feuded with Gold Star families and violated federal law by staging a campaign event at a hallowed military cemetery, doctored a weather map with a Sharpie to lie about the path of a hurricane, threw paper towels at hurricane victims, hosted a speaker at a rally who called Puerto Rico a floating island of garbage, claimed windmills caused cancer and killed whales, said you have to flush toilets 15 times. Called Hannibal Lecter a lovely man. His national security adviser called him a dope, his Secretary of State called him a moron, his Chief of Staff called him an idiot and a fascist. He said nice things about Hitler and Hitler’s generals, he suggested shooting protesters in the legs to his Secretary of Defense, he reportedly suggested executing rivals and staffers for leaking information. The chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff called him a fascist to the core. He took millions from foreign officials, including a possible 10 million dollar bribe from Egypt. His lawyers gave a press conference at a landscaping company. He lost the popular vote twice, got impeached twice, got indicted four times, was convicted of 34 felony counts of falsifying business records to pay hush money to a porn star. He asked a crowd whether they’d rather be electrocuted or eaten by a shark. He possibly farted and definitely fell asleep in court. He bragged about overturning Roe v. Wade, called himself the father of IVF while admitting he didn’t know what IVF was, called the CEO of Apple Tim Apple, misspelled his wife’s name and his own name, said Nikki Haley was the Speaker of the House on January 6, claimed the price of bacon went up because the wind doesn’t blow, got on Air Force One with toilet paper stuck to his shoe, because the first President in history to stare directly at an eclipse, melted down in a presidential debate where he claimed migrants were eating dogs, spread lies about the government’s response to a hurricane that caused FEMA workers to relocate due to threats, dances like he’s punching a ghost, held a hate-filled rally at Madison Square Garden, stole classified documents and obstructed attempts to get them back, called climate change a hoax, proposed tariffs that economist say would increase prices and crater the economy, halted an equal pay rule for women, curtailed access to birth control, picked a running mate who mocked childless cat ladies, who creeped out everyone when he tried to order donuts, and was accused of having sex with a couch-which he did not do, even though he might have, but he didn’t, but maybe he did, but he definitely did not. Said Kamala Harris happened to turn Black, claimed his crowd on January 6 was bigger than Martin Luther King’s I Have a Dream speech, was banned from doing business in the state of New York for three years, and just recently posed for the single worst photo of any human being that has ever been taken on the face of the f**king planet. So, you know, it’s a toss-up.”
seth meyers
Potpourri
“Warner Brothers is working on a Game of Thrones movie. Yeah, a movie—so it’ll be about 20 minutes shorter than an episode of Game of Thrones.”
jimmy fallon
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