Missed Monday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
DNC Day One, Trump Zero
After last month’s RNC went off with a predictable wet trombone sound of Trump’s tired bigotry and name-calling, his minions’ slavish sucking up and echoing of Trump’s greatest hits (racism, sexism, xenophobia, and lunatic gibberish), and has-been sucker fish almost celebrities (Kid Rock, Hulk Hogan) bellowing pro-Trump slogans to vaguely uncomfortable and pasty attendees, this week is the Democrats turn. And while party political conventions are traditionally more hype than substance, at least the Dems assembling behind the Kamala Harris/ Tim Walz ticket actually have some stuff to cheer about.
Since being handed the reins by the stepping-aside President Biden a month ago, Harris is leading in every poll, raising cash in record amounts, appearing in front of swelling crowds of newly invigorated voters, and basically eating Trump’s lunch over the MAGA movement’s ongoing seditious plot to turn America into a christo-fascist, white supremacist restricted country club. Oh, the current Vice President also appears to be actually enjoying life, something that Republicans joylessly either can’t recognize or attack like a non-white UPS carrier spotted in their neighborhood. So kick back, enjoy the spectacle of a Democratic Party, for the first time in what seems like forever, not acting like they’re apologizing for being alive while planning out a better and more just America, and taking gleeful whacks at the suddenly desperate and flailing GOP. With The Daily Show and The Late Show both whooping it up responsibly working on their monologues (with occasional bouts of undercover work) in host city Chicago, the Chicago River is fairly awash with schadenfreude.
[After the DNC ran very long, pushing back The Late Show‘s live broadcast until after 1 a.m.] “Technically we’ve just rolled over into he first night of the 2028 presidential campaign.”
stephen colbert
“I was in a Brooklyn Whole Foods the other day and a dad in a Kamala Harris camo hat got on the P.A. to announce she was up by three in Michigan and then offered to buy everyone a round of seaweed crackers and ice vanilla matcha lattes, and yeah, it was nuts. Let’s just say that a lot of kids named Arlo were late for soccer practice.”
seth meyers
“The DNC has begun, and it’s gonna be four nights celebrating Democrats. It’s basically like if they held the Oscars, Emmys, Grammys, and Tonys in one week.”
jimmy fallon
[On the Harris/Walz bus tour on the way to the convention] “By the way, you just know Tim Walz is the happiest guy in the world to be spending this much time on a bus? He’s probably on the bus, he’s got his own map, you know? He’s giving the driver advice, ‘Oh you could take the 34 to the 16 but honestly, the 7 to the 53, they got better rest stops.'”
Michael Kosta
“How could they cut Sweet Baby James? Or should I say Vengeful Baby James. Oh, he will bring down the fire and the rain.”
stephen colbert, on the DNC cutting James Taylor’s performance for time
“Huh, a bold policy move for the Democrats. Tuesday is for the future and Thursday is also for the future. How do you have themes that are so vague and then still run out of ideas by Thursday? This is like when The Fast and the Furious ran out of ways to say that the movies would be fast and furious. 2 Fast 2 Furious. Faster and More Furiouser. Fastestest and Furiousestestest. We get it, the car goes vroom, all right.”
michael kosta on the DNC speaking schedule
[On the parade of Democratic Lieutenant Governor speeches] “Im a Lieutenant Governor-head, what can I say?”
stephen colbert
[After guest speaker Steve Kerr used Steph Curry’s “Night, Night” to burn Trump] “Oh damn, that is a really good hit, that is a solid punch. But Steve, we know if you really want to put Trump to sleep just put him in a courtroom.”
stephen colbert
[After Rep. Jasmine Crockett, in a fiery speech, called Kamala Harris “the most powerful woman in the world”] “Beyoncé was there?”
stephen colbert
Thank You, Now Please Leave
A potential shadow cooling off the Democrats election heat was the appearance of President Joe Biden on Monday. After all, the sitting president was the Democratic candidate for reelection a mere month ago, when a litany of voices (including some late-night hosts) obliquely or bluntly calling for the 81-year-old Biden to step aside, which he ultimately did.
Well, Joe Biden swept all that speculation aside, emotionally waiting out a whopping four-and-a-half minute ovation and chants of “Thank You, Joe” before delivering a passionate speech touting the record of his chosen successor and Veep Harris, attacking Donald Trump’s repellent record on everything from inspiring and praising racists to abandoning NATO to not building “a damn thing” on his supposed Infrastructure Week checklist. While some hosts were openly thankful to the President’s lifetime of public service, naturally most got in a few last “Biden is old” jokes for the road.
[On Kamala Harris’ unexpected Monday speaking appearance] “Surprise, it’s Kamala! Which one month ago became the Democrats’ campaign slogan.”
stephen colbert
“Tonight, First Lady Jill Biden led Democrats in a tribute to President Biden. Before he could ask, Melania texted Donald, ‘Not happening.'”
jimmy fallon
“After decades of tireless public service, President Biden entered to a crowd of thousands of people chanting his name. If only he knew you could get the same thing by telling fart jokes on CBS.”
stephen colbert
“They decided to have Biden speak on Monday in the hope that he’d be done by Thursday.”
rupaul, subbing for jimmy kimmel
“When Biden took the stage, the cheers were so loud, even Biden could hear them.”
jimmy fallon
[On a DNC program accidentally still listing Biden as the keynote speaker] “And that’s not just lazy guys, it’s risky. Joe Biden’s gonna read that and be like, ‘Gas up the Corvette, I’m goin’ back in.'”
michael kosta
“Biden saved up all the energy he did not use in that debate and he uncorked it tonight.”
stephen colbert
“Biden stood on that stage, gave a powerful speech, and proved to the country and to the world that he can stay up past 8 p.m. Last one. Last one, I swear.”
stephen colbert
City of Big IUDs
Meanwhile, the streets outside Chicago’s United Center are abuzz with enthusiastic voters, irate protesters, and the occasional inflatable giant brith control device. The protesters are largely there to bring attention to the ongoing slaughter of civilians in Gaza, and to the Biden administration’s continued supply of weapons to Benjamin Netanyahu’s openly genocidal Israeli government. (Fair enough, although one might ask why a group of entitled, largely white protesters wanted no part of the MAGA-thuggish Republican National Convention when Trump has openly stated his intent to leave Gaza to die.)
On the other hand, there’s something of a defiant carnival atmosphere in the streets, as Harris supporters brandish occasionally outrageous symbols of their all-in readiness to vote the GOP right into the atavistic hate-hole it so wants the rest of us to live in. With the Trump-packed Supreme Court’s decision to overturn Roe v. Wade in 2022, energized pro-choice activists have erected everything form mobile sites dispensing abortion drugs and vasectomies to Frida, the affectionately nicknamed inflatable IUD who has been greeting conventioneers like the world’s most righteously pissed off car dealership tube man.
“Frida? It’s name is Frida, that’s a little confusing. The name Frida makes me think of my little old grandma, which actually is my preferred form of contraception.”
michael kosta
“Actually Frida is short for ‘you are free da jizz inside me.’ I knew Chicago would love that joke.”
Kosta, live in Chicago
“And mobile vasectomies? Now I’m not ragging on anyone, but if I’m gonna get my balls operated on, I’m gonna need to be in a structure that won’t 100 percent get towed.”
michael kosta
“You know what, the dumber your hat, the more energy you have. Nobody ever puts on a donkey hat and is like, ‘You know what, let’s stay in tonight.'”
michael kosta
“Holy sh*t, did you hear that, a completely unsubstantiated rumor about Taylor Swift and Beyoncé! But in the meantime, give it up for Ana Navarro and Tony Goldwyn!”
michael kosta on DNC celebrity rumor vs. confirmed fact
“Why are our news reporters talking out of their ass like that? This feels like hosting a birthday when you’re 13 and being like, ‘Hey, my cousin says he knows Tony Hawk, so you know, he might show up.'”
michael kosta
Mirror Mirror, on the Wall…
Donald Trump is an insecure person. Look, this is just fact, as established once more this week when the GOP nominee and convicted felon took one look at a fraught and divided America and determined that the most pressing issue of the day was… the fact that people are saying that Kamala Harris is more attractive than him. Referring to the artfully drawn Time cover of the resurgent Harris, Trump reassured a seen-it-all crowd that he is, indeed, the prettiest in all the land. Refuting Trump’s narcissistic self-regard, Michael Kosta stated, “Just so you know, man, just because you wear more makeup than Kamala, it doesn’t mean you look better.”
[On Trump’s word salad attempt to walk back his disparaging remarks about Medal of Honor winners] “Holy sh*t, stop talking. You’re making this so much w—at this point, I think you should just stick to breakfast foods. Although he’d find a way to say something insulting with that too. ‘Rice Crispies, it’s the best cereal. It’s made by Snap, Crackle, and Pop. They’re heroes—they served our country much like our wounded vets. Maybe even better, that’s why Pop wears the uniform. They fought in the Cereal Wars, saving America from Fruit Loops, a toucan on LSD, very sad. You know, I met Snap once, he came up to me, big Snap, strong Snap, he came up to me, tears pouring from his eyes down on the tiny red kerchief around his neck and he said to me, ‘Mister Trump, you’re way better looking than Kamala.'”
seth meyers
“Please Just Act Like a Human Boy”
That’s essentially been the desperate plea from Republicans not named Donald Trump as Kamala Harris continues to climb in the polls in swing states and with people exhausted by eight full years of a reality show huckster and middle school bully trampling all over human decency and the American experiment. Fox News has been flooded with visibly shaken GOP-ers beseeching their chosen leader to stop with the incoherent rambling and petty name-calling. Not that Republicans appear to care about Trump, say, demeaning veterans, insulting his opponent’s racial heritage, cozying up to dictators, and promising “a bloodbath” should he lose the 2024 presidential election as he awaits sentencing for the 34 felonies he’s been convicted of.
No, it’s more that the GOP can see that their decision to yoke their party’s entire fortune to a preening jackass with an authoritarian fetish and a crippling women problem is finally coming due in the form of dwindling rally attendance, plummeting polls, open ridicule, and an entire country full of motivated and seriously pissed off voters champing to clobber not just Trump but every sycophantic lickspittle who stands by him. And Trump himself? Will he rise to the challenge to reject pandering hatred and egomaniacal nonsense for the good of the GOP? Bwah-ha-ha-haaaaa… oh mercy.
[After a clip of Lindsay Graham decrying Donald Trump the “showman”] “‘Like how mah Mee-Maw always tells me to stay away from that slick traveling salesman whenever he rides into town. He’s not just a showman, Mee-Maw! His magic elixir’s gonna make me young and tan! And then I’m gonna ride out of this one-horse town. You’re gonna have to find someone else to play the piano at your run-down bordello!'”
seth meyers
“Republicans are basically saying to Trump, ‘We still have a chance if you focus on the economy,’ and his response is, ‘What if we make it about looks? I go full thirst trap on social, just flood the zone with different poses.'”
seth meyers
[After Trump, in a supposed policy speech, spoke at length about the “playback” feature on his TV] “I love how clear it is that Donald Trump is now the oldest f**king guy in this race. He’s talking about Tivo and playback controls and even Joe Biden is like, ‘It’s called DVR, Jack.'”
seth meyers
[On video evidence of MAGA attendees leaving a campaign rally while Trump was still talking] “Wow, they’re like Jets fans halfway through the second quarter of the first game of the season.’ Let’s just leave now before it gets worse.'”
seth meyers
Potpourri
“You know, in the drag world, when your Jimmy goes on vacation, that’s called tucking.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live guest host Rupaul
“This is the first theater I’ve ever performed in where the last row of seats comes with supplemental oxygen.”
stephen colbert, on The Late Show’s cavernous Auditorium Theater location
“The organizers of an annual Naked in a Cave event in upstate New York have announced that this year’s gathering will be the last. Apparently, the one thing the organizers feared finally came to pass. Someone finally told the attendees about beaches.”
seth meyers
“I love my job. And I love being nominated for awards. But that’s not really why I do it. I do it for the money.”
Rupaul, on rupaul’s drag race being nominated for multiple emmys this year
“A portion of a highway was closed last week after a truck overturned and spilled hundreds of boxes of raisins onto the road. ‘Now what’ll we do?,’ said the worst house on Halloween.”
seth meyers
“Six Flags just announced that they’re building their scariest ride yet, a giant roller coaster with the world’s steepest drop. It’s actually their old roller coaster but they just loosened the screws.”
jimmy fallon
[On Democratic Vice Presidential candidate and Nebraska native slamming J.D. Vance for not knowing about a local delicacy, the runza] “Ohhh, extremely regional slam! Walz got him good… I think?”
michael kosta
“A woman in Massachusetts recently gave birth on the side of a highway and had her husband cut the umbilical cord in the parking lot of a Dunkin’ Donuts. The mother is said to be doing well, and the baby is said to be the new Mayor of Boston?”
seth meyers
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