Missed Monday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
The Enemy of My Enemies Is the Friend I Can’t Stand
Not to pull an “I told you so” card so early in the second Trump administration, but was anybody really looking forward to this? Sure, four years of Biden-Harris wasn’t particularly thrilling in the “Oh man, what are they gonna do next?” sort of way that late-night comics find so fruitful, but a strong economy and general stability is a decent tradeoff.
But nope, the American electorate decided that handing over the reins of power and the 24-hour news cycle to a woefully dumb, chronically narcissistic little hate-despot with impulse control issues and a contacts list that doubles as the national sex offender registry was just what the collective nervous system was screaming out for. Donald Trump isn’t even in power yet and the old routine has already reestablished itself, with even Trump’s supporters cringing as they open social media each morning to see which of Trump’s overnight decisions have exploded in the nation’s face. (And praying that said explosions are merely metaphorical… this time.)
His pick for the highest law enforcement office in the land exploded in a sh*tstorm of sex crimes and unthinkable sleaze? He’s nominated Nazi-linked fake doctors and Russian stooges to oversee national intelligence? His choices to oversee the nation’s health are a TV quack with financial ties to Big Pharma and the Patient Zero for a deadly measles outbreak thanks to his idiotic anti-science conspiracy nonsense? His bromance with the Apartheid-pining billionaire crypto-clown who literally paid for voters and fixed the social media landscape to get Trump elected is imploding in predictable ego-‘rassling and dick-measuring? Shockers all around.
As Seth Meyers put it, reports that Trump and self-designated “co-president” Elon Musk are descending into a rich guy money-fight now that they actually face the prospect of governing rather than whipping their respective yahoo minions into a xenophobic hate-frenzy is the least surprising development of all. “The guy has 300 billion dollars in the bank, do you think he wants to hear someone else’s ideas? Hell, if I had one billion dollars, you couldn’t tell me sh*t. I’d come out here every night with Andy Samberg and make him do his Nic Cage impression while I cackled like a harp seal. No one would enjoy it.”
“You know, my goal these days is to stay in a good mood about things. And nothing’s making me feel better than the fact that Donald Trump finally got his own Donald Trump.”
seth meyers
“But the lesson here is, if you leave Trump unsupervised for a second he’ll do something insane. That should work out great with a president who will be 82 by the end of his term. ‘I want to do a rocket launch to show up Elon.’ ‘Sir, that’s a nuclear missile silo. That would trigger WWIII and end life on Earth as we know it.’ ‘Okay, could you go get me a Diet Coke… aaand, they’re gone. Aim at Elon’s house.'”
seth meyers
[On reports of infighting in Trump’s inner circle] “Man, I almost forgot how fun it is when the leader of the free world is easily excitable and easily distracted. You know, it’s either that or four straight years of constantly refreshing while Trump’s brain says it’s buffering.”
seth meyers
“It hasn’t even been three weeks since the election, they’re already descending into name-calling and shouting. That’s what the Democrats are supposed to be doing. Stop stealing their moves.”
seth meyers
“I can’t believe what the White House is going to be like when they actually take over and have real responsibilities. Everybody’s going to be throwing chairs and dodging fists while Trump tries to sneak out with his golf clubs like an elderly Ray Romano.”
seth meyers
[On Trump supporters celebrating that the second Trump administration will have even fewer ethical and political guardrails than the first] “The words ‘a liberated Donald Trump’ are not reassuring. They’re terrifying—it’s like a video message from an eco-terrorist saying, ‘We have liberated the infected monkeys. And now they run amongst you!'”
seth meyers
“Power is supposed to be constrained, not liberated. The fact that Donald Trump felt hemmed in during his first term was a good thing. Regardless of party, the most powerful person in the world should feel some constraints. I would also have been concerned if Barack Obama held a press conference after he won reelection and said, ‘Well, I have been liberated. Sooo, watch out motherf**kers.'”
seth meyers
Thanks-For-Nothing-Giving
A family gathering just weeks after the most contentious and divisive presidential election in U.S. history? Oh, and there might be a blizzard. Good freaking luck, everyone.
“A record 80 million Americans are traveling for the holiday. But don’t worry because today the TSA announced that they’re opening a second lane.”
jimmy fallon
“17,000 flights have been delayed or cancelled since Friday. Which I think is all of them.”
jimmy kimmel
“The TSA said that you need to check food ‘if you can spread it, spill it, pump it, or pour it.’ People are like, ‘Thanks for saying that in the creepiest way possible.'”
jimmy fallon
“Two huge storms are brewing that are expected to wreak havoc across the country. Yup, two major storms—all I’m saying is that if the storms knock out the wifi or TV on Thanksgiving, God help us all.”
jimmy fallon
“President Biden today presided over the annual White House turkey pardon. Well, he didn’t exactly pardon them. He just turned the investigation over to Merrick Garland and then it just kind of petered out.”
seth meyers
[On the two birds involved in this year’s White House turkey pardoning ceremony] “Those aren’t turkey names. Peach and Blossom sound like the special guests at a bachelor party.”
jimmy fallon
“That’s right, President Biden presided over the annual White House turkey pardon, and granted clemency to Peach, Blossom, and, before anyone noticed, Hunter.”
seth meyers
“It’s kind of miraculous these turkeys were able to get pardons without Ryan Murphy even doing a show about them on Netflix.”
jimmy kimmel
“Yup, Biden promised that the turkeys would not get killed this November. Democrats were like, ‘Hey that’s what you said to us.'”
jimmy fallon
“I hope everyone enjoyed the pardoning because next Thanksgiving those turkeys will be Matt Gaetz and Rudy Giuliani.”
jimmy fallon
[On the delivery of the White House Christmas tree] “You know when Trump is back in office they’ll be delivering that tree on a Cybertruck with a big pair of TruckNutz on the back.”
jimmy kimmel
Beating a Dead, Creepy Horse
Even though former Florida congressman, former Attorney general nominee, and alleged sex criminal Matt Gaetz had to withdraw his name from consideration for being too egregiously unqualified/sleazy for a Donald Trump administration last week, late-night hosts aren’t finished. To be fair, the now unemployed underage sex predator (allegedly) is making all the schadenfreude pretty much like shooting loathsome fish in the barrel you use to clean out the outhouse.
[On Gaetz zooming in to a MAGA bottom-feeder’s podcast in all his low-res, glitchy loathsomeness] “Wow, not only did he lose the AG job and his congressional seat, they downgraded his internet plan.”
seth meyers
“Matt Gaetz will not be joining team Trump, but he did join Cameo over the weekend. That’s right, last week he was a congressman nominated for Attorney General, this week he’s begging for money on the same website as the lady from Chimp Crazy and the Rizzler.”
jimmy kimmel
“This is the circle of disgraced politicians life now. Congress, Cameo, next thing you know you’re a banana on The Masked Singer.”
jimmy kimmel
“Before this, the only way to get a video message from Matt Gaetz was unsolicited.”
seth meyers
“Let’s hope Matt’s Cameo goes better than his Venmo went.”
jimmy kimmel
[After the clip of Senator Markwayne Mullin (R-OK) disgustedly lambasting Gaetz’s videoed sexcapades—right before Mullin ignored all that and supported the now-disgraced AG candidate because Donald Trump told him to] “Well that explains the shouting matches at Mar-a-Lago. They’re chugging Monster Energy and chewing on Cialis like they’re Life Savers. ‘We should do tariffs first!’ ‘We should do tax cuts first!’ ‘You get the hell out of here!’ ‘You get the hell out of here!’ ‘Are you rock hard right now?’ ‘You know I am, dog!'”
seth meyers
Plenty of Rancid Nuts in the Jar
This being a Donald Trump-assembled cabinet, the loss of one incompetent sycophant with a ridiculously long string of scandals doesn’t mean there aren’t plenty more on the way. Cut off one sex-criming, laughably unqualied head, and three more rise to take away your healthcare—and chop off some actual animal heads.
[On Trump returning to the Fox News well for his new Surgeon General pick, Fox contributor and hawker of her own line of vitamin supplements, Dr. Janette Nesheiwat] “She actually has a lot of experience, she was the lead on Surgeon General Hospital for years.”
jimmy kimmel
“President-elect Trump has announced Pam Bondi as his Attorney general. Bondi will leave her current job, following you around Talbot’s with her phone out.”
seth meyers
[On unearthed video of Trump’s HHS pick, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. claiming that heroin helped his grades] “Great lesson. Remember kids, stay in school and do drugs.”
jimmy kimmel
“He believes in every drug except the ones that keep you alive.”
jimmy kimmel
“RFK Jr. has a lot of skeletons and whale carcasses in his closet.”
jimmy kimmel
President-elect Trump’s transition team is facing criticism for not disclosing the donors who are funding its operations. Okay, but I think we know. You think Trump is spending his time with Elon Musk because he’s a fun hang?”
seth meyers
Potpourri
“The number of vasectomies the United States has skyrocketed. Vasectomies were up 1,200 percent on November 6. And that’s the sign of a great incoming president, when people start getting all their healthcare in before it becomes illegal. When people stop wanting to have children.”
jimmy kimmel
“McDonald’s announced that the McRib is coming back for the holidays. You can always tell when McDonald’s is in trouble. They either bring back the McRib or Monopoly.”
jimmy fallon
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