Missed Monday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Kimmel Trumps Trump
It was a skinny old night Monday, with Stephen Colbert, Jon Stewart, and Seth Meyers all taking a long weekend after the post-Emmys celebratory night-drinking presumably extended into the wee hours of Seth Meyers day drinking. That left only the—well, we don’t want to say “losers”—but two hosts who either did not win in the Best Talk Series category (Jimmy Kimmel) or were not nominated therein (Jimmy Fallon) to take viewers into the new week with fresh Monday monologues. (John Oliver, who memorably and hilariously berated the Emmys’ producers for playing him off during a heartfelt tribute to his late dog, Dave, was a winner in the Best Scripted Variety Series category and took this Sunday off as well.)
So it was an all-Jimmy lineup on Monday (with a pre-game After Midnight chip-in from Taylor Tomlinson), with Kimmel being the only host to take on the rampant injustice of his Emmy snub in the manner of his perpetual nemesis, Donald Trump. Decrying the whole Emmys process as “rigged,” Kimmel opened his show by proclaiming that he and his writers actually won the contest “in a landslide,” and boasted about his in-studio crowd size (“over 10,000 people”) before telling sidekick Guillermo Rodriguez to go and find him 11,000 votes. For noted Trump not-fan Kimmel, an Emmy loss provided the perfect opportunity to lampoon Donald Trump’s key political strategy—denying all reality knowing that his slavishly devoted minions will join him on the journey to an alternate universe where the GOP presidential nominee is not a 4-times convicted felon, 2-time impeached seditionist traitor, and adjudicated rapist. It almost makes getting shut out at the awards (what Kimmel jokingly termed “the old Tinseltown Reach-Around”) worthwhile, surely.
[On Best Talk Series winner The Daily Show] “A few months ago, Jon Stewart wasn’t even the host of The Daily Show. They swapped him in illegally.”
jimmy kimmel
“I was up against three other shows. It was three-on-one!”
jimmy kimmel
Drips Off the Old Block
It was a bad night to be the son of Donald Trump. Well, there isn’t a great time to be the children of a malignant narcissist who cheated on all your moms (and is accused of sexually assaulting one of them), openly ridicules you in front of his shifty friends, is currently estranged from wife number three while publicly canoodling with a bottom-feeding conspiracy bigot, and who teamed up with you to steal money from a kids’ cancer charity. But the eldest Trump boys took a beating on several, deeply deserved fronts from Kimmel and Fallon on Monday.
“Tonight at Mar-a-Lago, former President Trump announced the launch of Eric and Don Jr’s crypto business. Even people who went to Trump University are like, ‘Sounds like a scam.'”
jimmy fallon
“Eric said the startup will promote financial independence. Which is fun coming from someone who ‘s who’s 40 and still not financially independent.”
jimmy fallon
[After Donald Trump Jr. appeared on right-wing influencer and noted diaper-enthusiast Charlie Kirk‘s podcast and offered up the usual Trump family stew of racism and conspiracy nonsense with an unexplained and very noticeable lisp throughout] “We’ve got Donald and now his son Daffy Duck, too.”
jimmy kimmel
The Boy Who Cried Assassin
So another white guy with a history of mental issues, a notable right-wing social media presence, and all-too-easy, GOP-enabled access to a gun that can shoot all the bullets in mere seconds appears to have set his sights on Donald Trump this weekend. This time, the alleged perpetrator was found by Secret Service agents crouched in some bushes outside of Trump’s Florida golf resort with the mass murderers’ favorite AK-47 before he could take actions that wind up being suspiciously under-investigated and reported afterward, and is facing a whole host of charges. Despite this being Florida, where the Republican Party has made “permitless carry” the law of the bullet-riddled land.
Democratic politicians, generally not beholden to gun lobby money and generally not irresponsibly nuts as they are collectively, offered up support for the Republican nominee and relief that nobody was harmed. Trump, being Trump, immediately sent out fundraising emails claiming that the Democrats are out to murder him, what with them pointing out his openly touted plans to end democracy as we know it, his current racist terror campaign against Ohio immigrants, and other empirically true and relevant things. Naturally, in condemning the “rhetoric” of opponent Kamala Harris and others for him being targeted by the most dangerously violent of his own supporters, Trump himself immediately claimed Harris and President Biden are “destroying the country.” To quote William Shatner, “I guess Irony can be pretty ironic sometimes.”
[On the alleged would-be shooter] “He appears to be a troubled individual. His political views are all over the place. He tweeted earlier this year that his dream ticket would be Nikki Haley and Vivek Ramaswamy, which is how you know he’s nuts.”
jimmy kimmel
[On Trump decrying others’ inflammatory rhetoric] “Right, you are nothing if not a calming influence. This is a man who for the last week has been spreading a complete lie that he knows is a lie saying that Haitian immigrants are eating pets in Springfield, Ohio. This is a man who just last week joked about Nancy Pelosi’s 84-year-old husband being brutally attacked with a hammer by one of his deranged fans. This is a man who literally hours before this happened, posted on Truth Social, the words, I HATE TAYLOR SWIFT!”
jimmy kimmel
Hate-y Vance
Speaking of Republican candidates dipping into the rhetorical sewer to serve up a predictable, heaping helping of fetid sludge to white bigots in their constituency, there’s Vice Presidential hopeful J.D. Vance. After rumors that he was the main source behind the scurrilous, racist conspiracy theory that Haitian immigrants in his home state of Ohio are cooking up neighborhood pets was traced back to the Ohio Senator, Vance went on TV this weekend and confirmed that, not only was he the source, he also admitted to making the whole beyond-racist lie up based on a since-deleted Facebook post.
Calling his coordinated smear campaign—which was shouted out (literally) by Donald Trump on national TV during a presidential debate and which has inspired numerous bomb threats and anti-immigrant hate crimes throughout Springfield—”crafting a story,” Vance lashed out at CNN’s Dana Bash for questioning his hatefully mendacious tactics.
“During a new interview, J.D. Vance admitted that he created the false claim about immigrants eating pets to create media attention. Trump was like, ‘Everyone knows the first rule of fake news is not admitting to fake news.'”
jimmy fallon
“Oh, I see. Do you get it yet—the only way to expose the truth is to spread a lie. It’s the power of storytelling.”
jimmy kimmel
“Yup, Vance admitted that he made the whole thing up, but besides being overtly racist and making Trump look like a total fool at the debate, no harm done, right?”
jimmy fallon
[After Vance, attacking Vice President Harris, managed to make barely coded racist attacks on both halves of her racial identity by referencing both curry and fried chicken in one sentence] “How is it possible, Trump picked even a worse candidate than him?”
jimmy kimmel
Potpourri
[Following a Surgeon General’s report that the stress of parenting is harmful to health] “Crazy that the government said parenting is stressful. Like, whoa, new information alert! Next thing you know, they’re like, ‘Breaking news: getting stabbed may cause bleeding.’
Taylor Tomlinson
“They called parental stress an urgent public health issue, putting it in the same category as cigarettes. Yeah, that’s why you always hear people saying, ‘I mostly quit, but after a few drinks, I’ll sing one Baby Shark.'”
taylor tomlinson
“Maybe it makes sense to treat having kids like smoking.I know at restaurants I’d ask to be seated in the non-baby section.”
taylor tomlinson
“23 and Me is paying 30 million dollars to settle a data breach lawsuit. Today, every customer got a message like, ‘You’ve been hacked by Russia, China, North Korea, and a little bit Cherokee.'”
jimmy fallon
“You can tell it’s almost fall because the seafood at the Times Square Bubba Gump is starting to turn from green to brown.”
jimmy fallon
[On Fox News cutting away from a Trump rally after he went off on a tangent about not being impressed by the public toilets in San Francisco] “The one topic he actually knows something about, million dollar toilets, and they cut away.”
jimmy kimmel
“According to a new report, West Virginia is the top state in the country for marriage longevity. ‘Cause most couple in West Virginia share a lot in common, including DNA.”
jimmy fallon
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