Tuesday’s late-night shows lit into Trump over the Epstein files, inflation, and tariffs—with a few detours into AI, Beyoncé, and Panera lip balm. Here’s your Tuesday night monologue roundup, straight from the late-night front lines.
Secrets Sealed, Hats Ablaze.
“Trump is still facing criticism for his handling of the Epstein files, and apparently some Trump supporters are burning their MAGA hats in protest. People are watching the protests like, ‘Hey, Randy, maybe you should take the hat off first. Don’t do it while you’re wearing it.'”
Jimmy Fallon
“They’re burning the MAGA hats. People in China were like, ‘Oh come on, we worked so hard making them.'”
Jimmy Fallon
“Donald Trump and Epstein didn’t just party together, they were neighbors. Epstein said he was Trump’s closest friend for ten years. In fact, Epstein’s infamous little black book included 14 different numbers for Trump and his representatives. He had 14 separate ways to contact Donald Trump. When I drop my kid off at camp, I give two emergency contact numbers. And one of them is fake because I don’t need that hassle.”
Jordan Klepper
“House Republicans just blocked an effort by Democrats to force the release of the Epstein files. As of now, Trump is keeping the information totally classified, A.K.A. In the bathroom at Mar-a-lago.”
Jimmy Fallon
“Yeah, the excuses are getting worse and worse. Today Trump was, like, ‘A dog ate the Epstein files, then people in Ohio ate the dog.'”
Jimmy Fallon
“So let me get this straight: According to Trump, all the top Democrats got together and said, ‘Let’s create some fake files that destroy Trump’s political career, don’t ever use them, let Trump get elected, don’t use them, let Trump get elected again, still don’t use them, and then once he’s the president, hope he releases the files without ever looking at them.'”
Jordan Klepper
“Frankly, that plan sounds so inconceivably bad, I do believe the Democrats might have come up with it.”
Jordan Klepper
Inflation Nation
The effects of Trump’s tariffs are said to have contributed to higher inflation numbers in June. But if the president follows through on his next round of economic penalties, that may just be the beginning of the sticker shock.
“According to a new report out today, inflation is up because of Trump’s tariffs. When Trump asked if any numbers went down, his staff said, ‘Your approval rating.'”
Jimmy Fallon
“Today we learned that in June, inflation went up almost 3%, and it could be about to get worse, because Trump just threatened that starting in August he’s slapping a 30% tariff on European goods. Yeah. No more European goods. Now we will have to settle for European bads. I’m looking at you, toilet with two buttons.”
Stephen Colbert
“These tariffs could increase prices of things like French cheese, Italian leather goods, German electronics and Spanish pharmaceuticals. Spanish pharmaceuticals? We can’t lose las drogas! I fly all the way to Barcelona for my Thanax.”
Stephen Colbert
“Winemakers are especially anxious because as one pointed out, the 30% tariff on wine would be virtually an embargo on 80% of Italian wine. That’s 80%… they are going to need to update that scene from ‘Silence of the lambs‘: ‘I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice… Mike’s hard lemonade’”
Stephen Colbert
“The U.S. Is imposing a 17% duty on fresh Mexican tomatoes in an effort to rebuild the shrinking U.S. Tomato industry. In other words, when it comes to tomatoes, U.S. Is trying to… Ketchup.”
Stephen Colbert
Potpourri
“In a post over the weekend on Truth Social, President Trump said that he has a ‘perfect administration, the talk of the world.’ Yeah, that’s not why everyone’s talking about it. That’s like saying everyone is watching ‘Love island’ because it’s so free of controversy.”
Seth Meyers
“While surveying flood damage last week in Texas, President Trump pointed out Dr. Phil in the crowd and said, ‘There is Dr. Phil. You’re looking good, Phil.’ But it turned out it was just a caterpillar crawling across a ham.”
Seth Meyers
“According to a new report, President Trump has added more gold embellishments to the Oval Office. More gold? Is he the president or the pharaoh? I mean, I guess it’s a taste thing, but I don’t think the Oval Office should look like the restroom at the Dubai Ritz-Carlton.”
Seth Meyers
“Just last week Musk’s AI, it went rogue on Twitter, going on anti-semitic rants and referring to itself as ‘Mechahitler.’ Which must have been particularly upsetting to Elon because that was going to be the name of his next kid.”
Stephen Colbert
“So far the only thing AI has been consistently good at is producing perfectly crispy homemade French fries with a fraction of the oil. Wait, that’s an air fryer”
Stephen Colbert
“Hard drives with Beyonce’s unreleased music were stolen in Atlanta. It’s sad, isn’t it? Atlanta police say they have no suspects so there’s no way of knowing who stole Beyonce’s songs. Totally unrelated… I’m excited to announce my new album ‘I am Stephen Pierce.'”
Stephen Colbert
“While discussing how he redecorated the cabinet room last week, President Trump pointed out a portrait of president Dwight Eisenhower and said he was a ‘very underrated president.’ Don’t worry, I feel like all of them are being rated a bit more highly these days.”
Seth Meyers
“Authorities in France have arrested a man three days after he escaped from prison by hiding in a cellmate’s laundry bag the day he was released. Now the question is, how do you punish someone who voluntarily got into a French prisoner’s dirty laundry?”
Seth Meyers
“The dating app Bumble has announced plans to lay off about 30% of its staff and it’s pretty cruel how they are doing it. No. No. Yes. No.”
Seth Meyers
“Panera has partnered with the beauty brand Holler and Glow to offer two lip balms inspired by the restaurant chain’s mac and cheese and signature bread bowls. Less popular: their broccoli and cheddar breath mints.”
Seth Meyers
“President Trump just said that he takes advice from Melania on how to deal with Vladimir Putin. Yeah. I think the bigger story here is that Trump and Melania actually speak to each other.”
Jimmy Fallon
“Trump was like, ‘She told me she’s an expert on handling delusional maniacs’.”
Jimmy Fallon
“Meanwhile, in a new interview, Trump said that he’s disappointed in Putin, but not done with him. Then the therapist was like, ‘Good, Donald. Now put in the ‘I feel’ language, okay?’ ‘Vlad, anything you’d like to add?'”
Jimmy Fallon
Wednesday Night on Late Night
Jelly Roll fills in for Kimmel with guests Jeremy Renner, Randy Orton, Fallon hosts Rachel Brosnahan, Ronny Chieng, and Dave Portnoy, Colbert welcomes Owen Wilson, Dr. Francis Collins, and Meyers sits down with Timothy Olyphant and Emily Ratajkowski.
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