With Donald Trump signaling that U.S. forces could soon join Israel’s bombing campaign against Iran, Stephen Colbert quipped, “I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling pretty nostalgic for last week when all we had to worry about was a civil war.” Here’s our Tuesday night monologues roundup.
Peacing Out at the Peace Summit
Trump said he was leaving this week’s G7 Summit in Canada a day early due to heightening tensions in the Middle East, but not everyone in late night was buying it.
“Donald Trump was supposed to be in Canada today [where] he’s not exactly the belle of the ball. He’s about as popular in Canada right now as the Florida panthers.”
— Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Kimmel Live!
“Trump is back in the U.S. after attending the G7 summit in Canada. After a few days with Trump, the Canadian prime minister was like, ‘I hate to see you go, but I also hate to see you here.’”
— Jimmy Fallon, The Tonight Show
“You’re at an event, you have to rush home because ‘Something came up?’ Look, I get it — none of us like to poop in an unfamiliar place.”
— Jordan Klepper, The Daily Show
“So either the United States is about to jump in or he just got bored during the G7 ice breakers.”
— Stephen Colbert, The Late Show
From Russia with Doves?
Back in Washington, Trump met with his military advisors in the Situation Room, but not before suggesting in an interview that Vladimir Putin might be the person to broker a peace deal between Israel and Iran.
“Great idea. You know the guy who won’t agree to a cease-fire? Let’s have him work on the cease-fire.”
— Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Kimmel Live!
“Oh, sure. Let’s bring in that renowned peacemaker. Are you sure Connor McGregor is not available?”
— Seth Meyers, Late Night
“And have Nick Cannon grab me a box of condoms, too.”
— Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Instant POTUS
Meanwhile, in Trump merchandising news, the president is rolling out his own wireless phone service… and an instant pot?!
“They announced a new cellphone service, ‘Trump mobile’ featuring this $499 gaudy gold tele-abomination called the T1 phone, which for some reason is in quotes on the website. Possibly so they can have plausible deniability when your ‘T1 phone’ turns out to be a foil-wrapped hashbrown.”
— Stephen Colbert, The Late Show
“‘It’s gonna revolutionize cell phones. ‘Cause the old cell phones never worked! Especially when sons would try to call their dads. It always would go straight to voicemail, even if he was supposed to pick you up from ice-skating 25 years ago.’”
— Stephen Colbert, The Late Show
“Boy, he really doesn’t want to take Eric’s calls, does he?”
— Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Kimmel Live!
“Dammit! No, not instapot! Now I’m gonna have to find another way to be terrified of blowing up my house while making beans!”
— Stephen Colbert, The Late Show
“They’re calling this the most embarrassing thing Trump has put his name on since Don Jr.”
— Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Kimmel Live!
“I bet he’s touched Melania more than he’s touched an instant pot.”
— Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Kimmel Live!
“We keep saying he wants to be Kim Jong-un. What he really wants is to be Martha Stewart.”
— Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Kimmel Live!
“Trump phones are proudly stickered Made in the USA, with exclusive perks like accidental war plan alerts from defense secretary Pete Hegseth.”
— Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Potpourri
“A private club co-founded by Donald Trump Jr. called ‘The Executive Branch’ opened last week in Washington DC and Eric announced that he found a really cool stick that he also calls the executive branch.”
— Seth Meyers, Late Night
“During a bill signing ceremony last week, President Trump said House Speaker Mike Johnson would be remembered as a great speaker. And then added “‘I may be wrong. Who knows? Who the hell knows.’ Strong endorsement. Don’t let Trump give your wedding toast. ‘Dave and Gloria will be together forever—or not.’”
— Seth Meyers, Late Night
“President Trump’s approval rating just dropped to the lowest point of his second term. Yeah. Trump’s approval rating has never been lower, and thanks to all the drugs, Elon Musk has never been higher.”
— Jimmy Fallon, The Tonight Show
“Now, as if Trump isn’t dealing with enough, I read that here in the U.S., the price of bacon is skyrocketing. And just like that, his approval rating fell another ten points.”
— Jimmy Fallon, The Tonight Show
“Pigeon Fest took place over the weekend in Manhattan and included a pigeon pageant in which New Yorkers dressed as the bird and performed musical numbers and dramatic monologues. Very cute and everything, but I’m still pretty mad about what they did to my car.”
— Seth Meyers, Late Night
Wednesday Night on Late Night
Allison Williams and Damson Idris visit The Late Show, Kimmel has Charlie Day and Jeff Ross, with music from The Pixies, and Cole Escola drops by Late Night with Seth Meyers.
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