The Trump Administration’s strikes on Iran’s nuclear facilities dominated Monday night’s late-night monologues—at least among the hosts still on the job this week—with a side of heat wave humor and JD Vance jokes for good measure. Here’s our Monday night roundup.
“The U.S. on Saturday launched strikes against three Iranian nuclear sites in a surprise attack. Well, surprise to everyone who’s not on Pete Hegseth’s text chain.”
Seth Meyers
“The planes were carrying 30,000-pound bombs, known as ‘Bunker Busters,’ officially called ‘MOPs,’ or ‘Massive Ordnance Penetrators.’ The most phallic-sounding weapon since the Tomahawk Cruise Schvantz.”
Stephen Colbert
“The strike on Iran was called ‘Operation Midnight Hammer.’ Yeah, it was named after Trump’s favorite Stormy Daniels movie.”
Jimmy Fallon
“Iran is now threatening to retaliate by closing a major waterway for oil exports called the Strait of Hormuz. Yeah. Even worse, Trump thinks Hormuz is a brand of chili.”
Jimmy Fallon
“Vice President J.D. Vance defended President Trump’s decision to launch air strikes against Iranian nuclear sites and said, ‘We do not want war with Iran. We actually want peace.’ I don’t know, man, I think what you might actually want is a dictionary.”
Seth Meyers
MIGA [Trump’s acronym for ‘Make Iran Great Again’] sounds like how a 14-year-old valley girl reacts when her boyfriend dumps her.
Seth Meyers
“MIGA? MIGA? Your whole damn thing is America First! You can’t just hand other countries your slogan! That’s like if McDonald’s had an ad campaign that said ‘I’m Lovin’ It. It being Burger King.’”
Stephen Colbert
Heaven Help Us
Donald Trump’s informal tribute to God in his speech Saturday night following the US strikes on Iran caught the attention of more than one late-night host Monday night, with Jimmy Fallon joking, “Even God was like, ‘Jesus.’”
“He’s talking to God the way you FaceTime with your parents. ‘Hi God! We love you! Love you God! Can you see the Eiffel Tower behind us?'”
Seth Meyers
“It’s like if you asked a goth teen what he thinks goes on in church. ‘I don’t know, they’re probably all like, we just wanna say we love you, God, or something. Sheep.'”
Seth Meyers
“Trump hasn’t thanked God since he once counted 11 McNuggets in his 10-piece. ‘Oh, my — thank you, God! You visit me in mysterious ways, you do.’”
Jimmy Fallon
Too Hot to Handle
With temperatures and humidity setting new records, late-night hosts brought the heat—and the punchlines—to this week’s sweltering weather.
“Thank you, you brave souls, for waiting outside in the humidity that the Weather Channel described as ‘The devil’s trouser chili.’”
Stephen Colbert
“New York Governor Kathy Hochul yesterday declared a state of emergency amid a heat wave that’s expected to break 125-year-old records, which means it’s time for my favorite hobby—going down to Times Square to watch the Elmos faint.”
Seth Meyers
“It’s not wearing a suit that makes me feel sticky. It’s the two layers of Spanx underneath it.”
Jimmy Fallon
“Seriously, it is brutal out there. You know it’s bad when the heat map looks like Elmo’s colonoscopy.”
Jimmy Fallon
“Now? No, no, no. Maybe in the wintertime, maybe. Not when it’s warm. No, no, no.”
Jimmy Fallon, to anyone using natural deodorant in the heat
Potpourri
“I’ve never hosted a talk show before, but I will try my best. English is not my first language. So I hope you guys will help me if I get — what’s the word? Deported.”
Diego Luna, this week’s guest host on Jimmy Kimmel Live!
“Nope. Nope. That’s not how it works. ‘Honey! I’m not cheating on you with Stacy! I’m cheating on you with parts of Stacy. Very selective. And yes. And yes, we do call it Operation Midnight Hammer.’”
Stephen Colbert on JD Vance saying the U.S. isn’t at war with Iran, it’s at war with Iran’s nuclear PROGRAM
“More than 16 billion passwords for Google, Apple, Facebook, and other platforms have been leaked in one of the largest hacks of all time. Now everyone knows your Facebook password but you.’”
Jimmy Fallon
“Tomorrow Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sanchez kick off their three-day wedding celebration in Venice. You know you’re powerful when you have your destination wedding on a Tuesday and people still show up.”
Jimmy Fallon
“ Sonic Drive-In has announced it will offer a Pickle Rita slush made with a pickle juice flavored boba after asking themselves, ‘What is the absolute worst thing you could spill in your car.’”
Seth Meyers
“The CEO of the messaging app Telegram said in a recent interview that his multibillion dollar fortune will be left to the six children he has with three different partners and the more than 100 children conceived through sperm donation. And I just have to say, it’s refreshing to see a billionaire who knows how many kids he has.”
Seth Meyers
Tuesday Night on Late Night:
John Cena and Lorde play Colbert, Scarlett Johansson visits Fallon, and Diego Luna hosts Tiffany Haddish and Alan Tudyk on Jimmy Kimmel Live!
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