Missed Wednesday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Donnie’s in the Basement, Dreamin’ ‘Bout Overthrowing the Government
The modern Republican Party is the least original middle school bully you’ve ever met. Seizing upon one juvenile, un-clever insulting nickname after another for their opponents, MAGA candidates, pundits and Russia-backed internet trolls find nothing more knee-slapping than repeating phrases like “Tampon Tim,” or “Laughin’ Kamala” to their similarly braying bonehead cohorts, at least until the collective MAGA hive-mind moves on to the next deeply dull and unfunny hashtag. Seth Meyers zeroed in on one such Trump-ian bit of name-calling that’s backfired spectacularly on Wednesday, playing a clip of self-impressed Republicans parroting the “Biden’s in the basement” insult meant to suggest that the President presiding over an historically great economy and boasting a roster of accomplishments that actually help Americans longer than Donald Trump’s list of criminal and civil convictions is in hiding.
That idea—that any presidential candidate not constantly making vainglorious public appearances is cowering out of a combination of senility, fear, and incompetence—has largely been abandoned since Vice President and unexpected off-the-bench all-star Kamala Harris entered the race. You know, since Harris is sprinting around the country greeting enthusiastic rally crowds while Donald Trump plays the tired old hits to waning audiences and retreats to his Florida golf club, while only sitting for interviews with the softball-lobbing sycophants of what Meyers calls, “the padded room of right-wing media.” Meanwhile, Trump’s campaign has been shamefacedly slinking away from former boasts about Trump actually having a shot at winning states like Minnesota, New Hampshire, New Jersey, and other Democratic strongholds. That’s the thing about bullies—their lame, self-incriminating insults always boomerang on them in the end.
“In Pennsylvania, the former President participated in a town hall event on Fox News moderated by Sean Hannity. Yeah, it was just like the Bachelorette finale but with a couple that were actually in love.”
jimmy fallon
[After Trump, appearing on a right-wing podcast, clearly admitted that he attempted to overturn the election that he lost] “Trump’s so senile he can’t remember if he’s supposed to be saying he didn’t do it, or he did and it’s fine. It’s the old rule: Every criminal eventually slips up 500 times.”
seth meyers
[Trump, on the same podcast, explaining his position on legalized marijuana by claiming that all of New York smells like weed] “He’s right. Everywhere you go It smells like weed. it’s gotten so bad it’s almost impossible to smell the fresh hot urine.”
stephen colbert
“In fairness, Trump and Vance were probably in the backyard at Mar-a-Lago hosting their annual barbecue where old weird-beard over here made awkward conversation with people. ‘Anyone care for a hot dog sandwich? We have both red and yellow squeeze-sauce. Now Janet, you look to be child-bearing age and yet I don’t see any children with you. Should I panic, or are they in the pool?'”
seth meyers
[On Trump’s team quietly retreating from campaigning in Vice Presidential candidate Tim Walz’s home state of Minnesota] “Besides, what has Donald Trump ever done to earn the votes of Minnesotans? Trump’s never put chains on a tire in the dead of winter, or shoveled a snowy driveway, or embezzled money from his business before colluding with a group of felons to orchestrate an elaborate scheme to solve his financial—all right, all right, maybe he did that last one. [Puts up picture of William H. Macy] And I know the movie’s called Fargo, but Jerry Lundegaard’s from Minnesota, so back off, jackals!”
seth meyers
[On Team Trump’s similar concession in New Jersey] “In fairness, I understand why Trump thought he could compete in New Jersey. Not because they like him there. They don’t. They hate him so much they have a rest stop on the Parkway named the Donald Trump Memorial S**thole. But because anyone who’s from New Jersey has at least one weird uncle who met a stripper at Trump’s Atlantic City casino in 1989 and still won’t shut up about it.”
seth meyers
Countdown to a Throwdown
There are only 62 days until Election Day, and while Kamala Harris is steadily and soundly increasing her national polls lead, the fact that the Electoral College disproportionately empowers conservative white voters in less populous states has late-night hosts fretting over every possible development in the next few months. The fact that the election is as close as it is between a twice-impeached convicted felon/legally defined rapist who tried to literally destroy democracy the last time he lost and someone who is none of those things is also something of a comedic sore spot. Still, hosts have a job to do.
“But what a crazy time for Donald Trump. I mean, a year from now he’ll either be President of the United States or president of the Rikers Island ‘putting with a meatball’ team.”
jimmy kimmel
[On reports suggesting that some 15 percent of voters haven’t yet made up their mind] “How is that possible? ‘Honey, Honey, I cant decide. For vacation should we go to the Four Seasons resort in Anguilla, or or Dan’s Shed O’ Marmots? Remember, we stayed at Dan’s Shed O’ Marmots for four years? Why did we leave?'”
stephen colbert
“Trump and Harris are both trying to woo these undecided voters, but they’re targeting different groups out there. For example, Harris is reportedly going after women of every stripe. Or as J.D. Vance calls them, ‘Wiiiiitch!!!'”
stephen colbert
“In a new interview, former President Trump said that if he’s reelected he would consider releasing Jeffrey Epstein’s alleged client list before adding, ‘But FYI, Trump is a really common last name!'”
seth meyers
“Election Day is just two months away and a recent poll shows that only a third of Gen Z voters support former President Trump. That makes sense. Trump thinks Gen Z is the rapper married to Beyoncé.”
jimmy fallon
“Kamala is also trying to reach young voters. That is so important. I am also reaching out to young people, mostly to ask, ‘How do you do that thing on Uber where you add a stop?'”
stephen colbert
“Attorney General Merrick Garland announced today that allies of Russian President Vladimir Putin are allegedly promoting disinformation to influence the 2024 election in favor of Donald Trump. But then again, you can’t be surprised a 71-year-old white guy isn’t gonna change his vote.”
seth meyers
[On reports that Vice President Harris is looking for ways to “rattle” Trump in next week’s debate] “That should be fun. ‘Thank you for that question. Before I answer, I’d just like to say that I think we can all agree that the most memorable character in Silence of the Lambs is Jodie Foster. Also, birds love windmills, sharks are cool, one toilet flush is enough for anyone. In conclusion, salad.'”
stephen colbert
[On Tulsi Gabbard acting as the Kamala Harris stand-in in Trump’s debate prep] “Now you might remember Tulsi Gabbard from her—no you don’t.”
stephen colbert
[On a clip of GOP Veep hopeful J.D. Vance whiffing the softball “Why would voters want to have a beer with you ?” question] “Well, it’s official. J.D. Vance has done the impossible—he’s made Mike Pence the fun one.”
seth meyers
“J.D. Vance answers simple questions like he’s in an episode of Frasier where Niles accidentally joins a biker gang.”
seth meyers
Mister Robinson’s Neighborhood Porn Store
Much has been revealed about prominent Republican North Carolina Lt. Governor Mark Robinson, the guy Donald Trump touted as “MLK on steroids,” most likely because Martin Luther King is one of the only other Black people Trump knows by name, and because the vocally conservative Robinson is so transparently corrupt and awful. Perusing the list of the normally career-ending things that have come out about Robinson, it’s easy to see what Trump sees in the GOP rising star.
It could be the Holocaust denial. Or the climate crisis denial. Or the time he was caught reminiscing about the good old days when women couldn’t vote. Or his record of saying repellent things about the LGBTQ+ community. Or his repeated participation in the whole “Jews control the world” conspiracy nonsense. Or how people who disagree with his far-right views “need killing.” Or, heck, maybe how his equally shady wife was successfully sued for defrauding the Girl Scouts. The fact that Robinson is a “they faked the moon landing” nutcase is just the cherry on top of the idiot sundae, really. But Stephen Colbert couldn’t pass up the recent reports that the staunchly conservative Republican was (allegedly) a hypocritically loyal decade-long regular at his neighborhood porn store, with a particular fixation on snapping up bootleg flicks and a daily habit of scouring the same shop for the latest releases. As Colbert marveled, “He went almost every day for over a decade. I don’t do anything every day for almost a decade. Mark Robinson went to the porn store more regularly than I floss.”
“His record is not great. He’s a climate denier, a Holocaust denier, and has pined for a return to the America where women couldn’t vote. Truly, truly shocking… that Trump did not pick him for VP.”
stephen colbert
“Well of course you gotta go every day, otherwise you’re not getting the freshest porn.”
stephen colbert
“That’s right, hundreds of bootleg porn videos from the 90’s and early 2000’s. I’m talkin’ Armageddon Laid Tonight, Pulp Friction, and of course, Sex Toy Story. Surprisingly, the theme song is also ‘You’ve Got a Friend in Me.'”
stephen colbert
Remember President What’s His Name?
Meanwhile, we still have a pretty effective sitting President. His name is Joe Biden. Ever heard of him?
[On Biden’s record approval rating since handing the reins to Kamala Harris] “The last time Joe had an approval rating this high was when he signed the Declaration of Independence.”
jimmy kimmel
[On Trump campaign officials claiming Trump dealt Biden a debate “knockout blow”] “Okay, let’s be clear. Trump didn’t deal the knockout blow to Biden. Time did that, okay? It’s like when dads say, ‘We had a baby!’ You were there but pump your brakes. Someone else did a lot of work.”
stephen colbert
“You know what, it’s a good lesson. All you have to do to get people to like you more is to stop running for President. I mean, they didn’t make a movie about Ferris Bueller’s day on.”
jimmy kimmel
Potpourri
“McDonald’s just announced that they’re going to start serving McFlurries in a new cardboard cup that has four flaps to cover the top. Every Chinese takeout was like, ‘Wow, where’d you come up with that idea?'”
jimmy fallon
[On the casting in the upcoming Trump biopic The Apprentice] “I’m sorry, Sebastian Stan plays Donald Trump? This is the nicest thing anyone’s done for Trump since McDonald’s‘ all-day breakfast.”
seth meyers
“Apparently, new images reveal that the railings on the Titanic have fallen off. Okay, I know this is gonna ruffle a few feathers, but I’m just gonna come out and say it—the Titanic does not seem safe to me.”
jimmy fallon
[On a post from Eric Trump warning people that Lara and Tiffany Trump’s social media had been hacked by a crypto scammer] “It’s funny because the words ‘this is a scam‘ could be the first sentence for everything Eric has ever posted.”
jimmy kimmel
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It’s “a” historical, not “an” historical unless we’re in the UK. Here in America it’s always “a” when you can hear the “h”, i. e. a history exam, a hellishly hot day, a humble brag, a historically long election season. While it’s “an” only if the “h” is silent, i. e. an hour, an honorary degree, an heir and a spare.