Missed Wednesday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Talk About Getting Bombed
It’s a measure of just how cultish Donald Trump’s hold on the MAGA faithful is that the series of Sideshow Bob-style rake-stepping choices he invariably makes haven’t turned him into a complete political nonentity. Instead of, you know, an incoming second-term president poised to turn American into yet another of his looted failed business ventures.
With Trump’s Nazi-tattooed, accused sex criminal, outed problem drinker Defense Secretary nominee, Pete Hegseth, continuing to dominate headlines, late night wasted no time getting to the heart of the matter Wednesday night.
“We’ve got 20 shopping days ’til Christmas. And if you want to get something for Donald Trump, you might think about a new Secretary of Defense.”
stephen colbert
“His current nominee, Pete Hegseth, who he picked from TV like a necklace he saw on QVC, is about to be Penta-gone after allegations of sexual misconduct and drunken behavior.”
jimmy kimmel
“Trump only knew about Hegseth from seeing him on TV as one of the hosts of Fox & Friends Weekend. You know their slogan: The Only Way Grandpa Knows It’s Saturday.”
stephen colbert
“Wow, this would be very sobering news for Pete Hegseth if he wasn’t sh*t-faced right now.”
ronny chieng
“Word is Trump’s support for Hegseth is teetering. Much like Pete Hegseth at a staff meeting.”
stephen colbert
“Okay, before you judge, yes his show starts at 6:00 in the morning. But he was still drinking from the night before, so it’s not sad, it’s awesome.”
ronny chieng
“It has now come to light that Hegseth may have a slight work problem when he shows up at drinking.”
stephen colb ert
“Again, his show airs at 6 a.m., but as Pete Hegseth always says, ‘Hey, it’s 11 o’clock somewhere.'”
ronny chieng
“He’s right, he doesn’t have a drinking problem. He just keeps drinking and the problem goes away. It’s Pete Hegseth’s 12-step program. Step one: Admit that you are powerless over alcohol. Then: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Tequila!”
stephen colbert
“In Hegseth’s defense, none of the sources could recall an instance where Hegseth missed a scheduled appearance because he’d been drinking. And that’s great. Because you know what everyone says when the drunk guy shows up at work, ‘Oh good… you’re here.'”
stephen colbert
“But this might be for the best. The first step toward sobriety is your coworkers admitting you have a problem.”
ronny chieng
“He’s also promised that if he gets confirmed by the Senate, he will stop drinking. But if not, he’s storming the Captol Grille at happy hour.”
jimmy kimmel
“According to an NBC report, Hegeth’s drinking worried colleagues at Fox News. Reached for comment, Judge Jeanine Pirro said, ‘Ahgusasinfarp.'”
stephen colbert
[On Hegseth’s promise that “there won’t be a drop of alcohol on [his] lips” should he get confirmed] “A bold pledge that can mean only one thing—he’s gonna butt-chug.”
stephen colbert
“It’s weird that we’re arguing about the drinking, because even if he was stone-cold sober he’s a TV host who ran two veterans organizations into the ground. He’s not qualified to run the Pentagon anyway, okay? This is like saying, ‘Hey, yo, that cat can’t be pilot, he has a drinking problem!'”
ronny chieng
“Honestly, I kind of feel bad for this guy. I mean, he had it made. A cushy job on Fox News, a side-hustle selling macho garbage on right-wing Instagram, a loving third family. Then Trump comes along and offers him a job and now his life is kind of f**ked up. I mean, who could have seen that coming, other than Matt Gaetz, Mike Pence, Rudy Giuliani, Michael Cohen, and everyone else Trump has ever come into contact with.”
ronny chieng
Mom! They’re Being Mean to the Next Defense Secretary!
Luckily for Pete Hegseth’s doomed candidacy to take the reins of the single most powerful and complex military bureaucracy in human history, his mommy is coming to his rescue. Now some may recall that Penelope Hegseth is on record in an email to little Petey after he cheated on his second wife that read, in part, “I have no respect for any man that belittles, lies, cheats, sleeps around and uses women for his own power and ego. You are that man (and have been for years) and as your mother, it pains me and embarrasses me to say that, but it is the sad, sad truth.”
But don’t worry about that brutally honest assessment of her own child’s drunken philandering and complete disrespect for women—now he’s up for a super-important job! Mom Hegseth went on Fox to claim that all of her private condemnations of her son for being a total creep were taken out of the context that she never imagined her li’l accused rapist would be plucked from his morning TV gig to helm a major government agency where he’d have power over countless female service members.
Power is a hell of a glass of chardonnay.
[On Hegseth’s mommy now claiming that she was only joking with that whole email thing] “What kind of parent-teacher conference are we watching right now? Because the future Secretary of Defense needs his mom to come on to defend him? I thought you were against women in combat roles?”
ronny chieng
“I never saw Donald Rumsfeld be like, ‘I have a warning for the Taliban—mom, you tell ’em.'”
ronny chieng
[On Pete’s mom calling “fake news” on her own email] “What misinformation? You wrote the email. You’re the one who told us he’s a piece of sh*t.”
ronny chieng
[On Pete’s mommy claiming her email was from a long time ago] “By the way, seven years ago isn’t ancient history. We still have the same Spider-Man.”
ronny chieng
Him?
Don’t worry though, Donald Trump has a deep bench when it comes to staffing his administration with hateful little toads who hate women, immigrants, gay people, and democracy. Reportedly on deck is Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, the same guy he repeatedly humiliated with juvenile insults when the two were vying for the GOP nomination and who he’s called “a sad little man” who wears lifts and eats pudding with his wee fingers.
Naturally, DeSantis, who fell in line to lick Trump’s boots ever since hanging up his own presidential hopes, is preparing to join the long line of spineless politicians whose lust for power outweighs whatever pride or dignity they claimed to have.
“And if you’re wondering what qualifications Ron DeSantis has to run the Pentagon—you are correct to wonder that.”
jimmy kimmel
[President-elect Trump is considering replacing Pete Hegseth with Florida Governor Ron DeSantis as his nominee for Defense Secretary. When asked why he’d hire Ron DeSantis, Trump said, ‘Because it’d be really fun to fire Ron DeSantis.'”
jimmy fallon
“While DeSantis actually does have some defense qualifications, the replacement isn’t a done deal because some in Trump’s orbit ‘strongly dislike DeSantis.’ Wow, that is a weird way to find out I’m in Trump’s orbit.”
stephen colbert
But at least Ron DeSantis is the governor of a state and he does have military experience. He served in the Navy as a JAG officer—he’s a real JAG OFFicer,this guy.”
jimmy kimmel
[On the list of Trump’s possible replacements] “And if none of those people work out, Trump could always turn to the anchor of Fox’s 3 a.m. panel show, Stars & Gripes With Ardsley Blondeteeth.”
stephen colbert
[On another Trump pick going down in flames] “Last night Trump’s pick to lead the drug enforcement agency withdrew his name from consideration. He was like, ‘Yeah, I didn’t know there’d be a drug test.'”
jimmy fallon
Taekwondo-Kicking Fascism to the Curb
The last few days have seen Americans sent a lesson in how you deal with a would-be dictator. When South Korea’s President Yoon Suk Yeol decided that that country’s long-cherished democracy just wasn’t his thing any more and declared martial law on Tuesday, that too-big-for-his-britches dude was sent packing by Wednesday lunchtime. (Okay, Yoon hasn’t been removed from office just yet, but reports are he’d better start looking for cardboard boxes.)
The righteously pissed off South Korean people rose up, smacked their elected but unfit leader down, and took to the streets, with footage showing everyday citizens facing down armed government soldiers with cries of “Shame!, ” and a million acts of Tiananmen Square-esque courage in the face of oppression. (Seriously, that one lady grabs at the strap of a soldier’s automatic weapon like he was trying to steal her purse—or her democracy.)
Is America headed that way? You know, with a preening authoritarian openly plotting to destroy the rule of law in pursuit of filthy further wealth and oligarch’s dreams of a consequence-free failed state that he and his xenophobic, bigoted pals can plunder and exploit until there’s nothing left but a smoking crater? Well, let’s just say that Americans not on board with that vision need to start studying South Korean self/democracy-defense game tapes but quick. As The Daily Show‘s Ronny Chieng said of one protestor’s deft move on a soldier, “I know everyone thinks all Asians know martial arts… and let me clear, stereotypes are harmful. But did you see that sh*t?!”
[On Yoon’s surprise martial law declaration] “That’s actually really impressive. Do you know how hard it is to throw a surprise martial law? You have to get the entire military to hide behind the couch and then be quiet at the same time. [Whispering] ‘Turn off the tank!'”
stephen colbert
[On footage of one older protester refusing to hand over his phone to an armed soldier] “I mean that uncle is either very concerned for democracy or very concerned about what people are going to see on his phone.”
ronny chieng
[On one South Korean legislator hopping a security wall to vote against Yoon’s dictatorial power grab] “Oh no, if Trump ever declares martial law, we’re screwed. Our Congress is way too old to climb fences. I mean, it’s a nail-biter every time they get into a bathtub.”
stephen colbert
[On Yoon’s late-night Tuesday declaration] “You never make a good decision at 11 p.m. on a Tuesday. You’re either starting a third glass of chardonnay and a new season of Bake Off or you’re declaring martial law.”
stephen colbert
“In total, his entire coup lasted a total of six hours. making it the shortest attempted coup since… well, you know.”
stephen colbert
Look At What I Listen To!
The annual list of music you’ve streamed from that one app that platforms meathead conspiracy podcasters and cheats artists out of their rightful royalties has allowed you to know just which songs you like! Yes, the Spotify Wrapped playlists are flooding your social media timelines so you can see which of your friends are totally cool, which are lame, and which ones don’t participate in the corporate game-ification of music and listen to their favorite artists on good old CDs.
“This started in 2015 when somebody at Spotify asked, ‘Hey, you know, why shouldn’t corporate surveillance be fun?'”
jimmy kimmel
“Today you’re either sharing your Spotify Wrapped or realizing you listen to a little too much Sabrina Carpenter for a 50-year-old man.”
jimmy fallon
[On his own, very dad-like playlist] “These reports from Spotify have become a gentle yearly reminder that I’m white and that I will soon be dead.”
jimmy kimmel
Potpourri
[On the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree] “I really do love when the Christmas tree is here because for six weeks, instead of weed the city smells like pine—sorry, pine-scented weed.”
jimmy fallon
[On Donald Trump now hawking cologne] “For anyone who is buying this crap, just give the man your ATM card and PIN number and get it over with already, will you?”
jimmy kimmel
[After the two-hour tree-lighting TV special] “That’s right, besides the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade and the tree-lighting, it’s basically lip-sync week on NBC.”
jimmy fallon
[On former Village People singer Victor Willis (he’s the cop) claiming that the lucrative licensing of the group’s gay anthem “YMCA” to the Trump campaign means it’s not really a gay anthem] “Right, it’s not just a gay anthem, it’s the gay anthem.”
jimmy kimmel
[On fellow billionaire Mark Zuckerberg dining with Trump even after Trump threatened to throw the Facebook CEO in prison for the rest of his life in one of his books] “That is the most threatening coffee table book since Anne Geddes’ I Have All Your Babies.”
stephen colbert
[On a California mall charging $165 for kids to meet Santa] “Normally if sitting on someone’s lap costs $165, you’re not at the mall.”
jimmy fallon
“A German man is more than 60 days into his attempt to break the world record for longest time spent living under water. At least we hope.”
jimmy fallon
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