
With everything from the heated confirmation hearings of Donald Trump’s cabinet picks, to a possible ceasefire in Gaza, to the looming end of TikTok, there was no shortage of topics for late-night hosts to uneasily joke about on Wednesday. Here’s our round-up of the night’s best lines from across the dial.
Seth Meyers
For those hoping for a fiery comeback from Seth Meyers in response to Donald Trump’s threatening social media attack on the Late Night host, Meyers, in his “A Closer Look” segment, only offered up a winking zinger in passing. Noting Trump’s accusation that he was “forced to” watch Seth Meyers on TV, Meyers, without mentioning Trump by name, noted, “You have my sympathy, and I hope you get a TV soon that allows you to change the channel.”
Whether that’s it for the feud remains to be seen. Also remaining to be seen (or leaked) is whether NBC and parent company Comcast—threatened with government pressure and unconstitutional retribution by Trump in his post—asked the ordinarily outspoken Meyers to shy away from truly engaging with Trump’s bullying in a more overt manner. Instead, Meyers contented himself with this week’s late-night sport of mocking Trump’s Defense Secretary pick Pete Hegseth, whose contentious confirmation hearing took place on Tuesday.
By now, the lowlights (alcohol abuse, workplace sexual harassment, alleged sexual assault) of former Fox News weekend host Hegseth’s resumé are well known to even the most casual news consumer. In response to Hegseth’s bro-casual sympathy for Vladimir Putin’s invasion of the sovereign nation of Ukraine as “just getting his sh*t back,” Meyers joked, “It is fun to imagine the oppressive leader of an authoritarian regime as a jilted ex-boyfriend who left his vape at his exe’s house.” And in response to a clip of Hegseth freaking out even his Fox colleagues with a breezy recommendation to bomb Iran, Meyers speculated, “Do you know how bad your idea has to be if the other Fox & Friends are pushing back on it?”
Still, Meyers was all but resigned to Hegseth’s eventual confirmation, citing Republicans’ uniform submission to this “loyalty test” to Donald Trump. Even though, as Meyers laid out, Hegseth’s tenure at not one but two cushy veterans’ charity jobs saw him drummed out for sexual and workplace impropriety, drunkenness, and financial mismanagement that drove both organizations into the ground. “I can’t believe this, but can the military declare bankruptcy?,” Meyers asked.
Jordan Klepper
With news coming in late on a Wednesday workday that Israel and Hamas have apparently signed a cease fire agreement, The Daily Show was still processing that complex and momentous news come airtime. But Jordan Klepper segued right into what he called an equally momentous story—the end of TikTok.
With the Supreme Court seemingly poised to allow the congressionally mandated ban on the popular video sharing website to go forward as early as this week, Klepper admitted it’s tough to be shocked. “They’re more of a Walgreen’s app sort of crowd,” Klepper said of the mostly aged justices, noting to his audience’s uneasy laughter, “The last time the Supreme Court heard the sound tick-tock was when death was following RBG around.”
At least TikTok users are taking the potential loss of their thumb-toning scroll habit with equanimity and far-sighted aplomb. Oh wait, as Klepper showed, one irate user claimed the ban was “the number one worst thing the United States has ever done.” “The number one worst thing?,” asked a skeptical Klepper. “I mean, we did slavery, okay. Let’s at least call it a tie.”
Of course, the proclaimed reason for the ban is TikTok’s Chinese ownership, a fact that raises many questions about users’ privacy and the potential misuse of U.S. citizens’ data. So, also of course, Klepper showed how U.S. users have flooded overwhelmingly to the alternative site Red Note which is [checks notes] a Chinese-based video sharing site overtly owned by the Chinese communist party itself, and which forces users to sign a pledge to support socialist and Chinese values. “Good job, U.S. government! ,” exclaimed Klepper. “You told Americans they couldn’t see China anymore and now they’re running off to Vegas with it.”
Noting that TikTok could yet be reprieved if the site were purchased in this last minute by the likes of a Elon Musk, Steve Mnuchin, or MAGA Shark Tank star Kevin O’Leary, Klepper, citing one other proposed, internet-viral bidder, noted incredulously, “I actually heard myself say, ‘Man, I hope that TikTok goes to someone sane—like Mr. Beast.” Klepper also elicited audience groans by joking, “The last time something from China went this viral was… well, it’s not important.”
Jimmy Kimmel
Jimmy Kimmel appeared to have picked up on some inconsistency coming out of the incoming Trump administration. On Trump announcing the creation of an “external revenue service” designed to make tariff-imposed countries “pay their fair share,” Kimmel joked, “Who knows more about paying your fair share than the billionaire who paid $750 in taxes in 2016 and again in 2017?”
And addressing the fact that unelected owner of multiple lucrative defense contracts Elon Musk will be setting up shop with his “department of government efficiency” in the Eisenhower Building (named for a man who memorably warned about the military industrial complex), Kimmel suggested that the real Dwight Eisenhower “would have killed Elon Musk with his bare hands.” Kimmel also mocked Musk’s position as “real-life Dwight Schrute,” noting, “Nothing says efficiency like a man who has 12 kids with three different women.”
Sticking with Trump and his upcoming inauguration, Kimmel mocked the incoming president for bullying House Speaker Mike Johnson into flying flags at full staff, even though the death of Jimmy Carter dictated they be dipped to half staff in respect, noting it “might be the most Donald Trump-y thing that Donald Trump has ever done.” (Kimmel also claimed that “half-staff” was Stormy Daniels’ nickname for him, since Kimmel never misses an opportunity.) He also promised, “Wherever the flagpoles end up, Eric will have his tongue stuck to it.”
Speaking of Republicans bowing to their new leader, Kimmel mocked Trump’s Secretary of State nominee and former political rival Marco Rubio for backtracking on his repeated attacks on Trump for being a “con artist.” “Now he’s like, ‘The con stood for condominium,'” joked Kimmel, before moving on to “DUI hire” Pete Hegseth. Showing a clip of a stumbling Markwayne Mullin (R-OK) slathering praise on the “comically unqualified” Hegseth (shown in file photo poolside wearing a “Teddy Boozedvelt” sleeveless t-shirt) Kimmel noted, “The best news about these hearings is we finally found the dumbest person in the Senate.”
Kimmel concluded on the incipient TikTok ban, first showing how it might not be a completely bad thing. (Cue montage of young users spreading baseless conspiracies about the ongoing L.A. wildfires.) But he was sympathetic, summing up the youth’s dismay to puzzled older viewers by asking, “You know how your dad felt when CBS cancelled Blue Bloods? Multiply that by the amount the reverse mortgage he bought from Tom Selleck was, and you will understand.”
Stephen Colbert
Right off the bat on Wednesday’s Late Show, Stephen Colbert had a warning for parents about his upcoming jokes addressing SCOTUS hearing PornHub’s case against states’ attempt to force users to upload their identification for access. Telling said parents to usher their kids out of the room, Colbert noted solemnly, “They are far too innocent to see uncensored images of Samuel Alito.”
While the issue at hand is an important one concerning the First Amendment and users’ privacy in an age where right-wing state governments are criminalizing certain sexual identities and behaviors, Colbert was all about mocking the justices having to talk about lady parts and stuff. After a clip of Clarence Thomas reminiscing about trying to watch porn on TV through a scrambler’s “squiggly lines,” Colbert deadpanned, “Sir, we’re all adults, it’s called a vagina.” And after Alito—perhaps feigning too much online porn ignorance according to Colbert—asked if modern porn sites feature articles such as the ones William F. Buckley wrote for Playboy, Colbert joked, “No, Justice Alito, no Buckley. But a fair amount of Dickens.” You get it.
Donald Trump’s Monday inauguration garnered Colbert’s attention next, as he addressed Michelle Obama’s unexplained absence from the crowning of the person who routinely spread baseless rumors about her husband, speculating that the former First Lady came down with “an incurable case of integrity.”
Regarding Trump bringing out the garbage truck from his infamous campaign PR stop, Colbert wondered, “First, those trucks usually take out the garbage.” And as to Trump’s demand that Capitol flags be flown at full staff for his big day (flying in the face of traditional respect for a deceased predecessor), Colbert feigned sympathy, noting that Monday is “the one day where he gets to feel pretty.”
The ongoing nomination hearings for Trump’s cabinet picks was up next, with Colbert roasting Republicans’ “all you can smooch Trump-butt cafe.” Noting that attorney general pick Pam Bondi was not only Trump’s personal attorney but also a point person in Trump’s election stealing-and-denying 2020 crime spree (according to the far-too-late report released this week by current AG Merrick Garland), Colbert laid out the glaring issue. “It is the people’s attorney, not the president’s personal attorney. Which is why Trump nominated Bondi—who was his personal attorney.”
Labeling a photo of Bondi as “dance mom finding out Kinsley didn’t get a solo,” Colbert also took issue with Bondi’s on-the-record opposition to same-sex marriage, again working up some comic sympathy for Donald Trump Jr in the process. Said Colbert, “Imagine that some people have two dads, and they both love you.”
Jimmy Fallon
Over on The Tonight Show, Jimmy Fallon addressed the proposed Israel-Hamas ceasefire—in his way. “Somehow we brought peace between Israel and Hamas,” joked Fallon, “and we still can’t bring peace between Drake and Kendrick.”
Then it was on to President Biden’s farewell address, as good a time as any to joke about the Oval Office being left smelling like “Werthers Originals and Ben-Gay.”
As for the incoming administration, Fallon noted the record-smashing cold snap forcasted for Monday, predicting that “Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk, and Mark Zuckerberg’s lips could all freeze to Trump’s butt.” He also joked about former First Lady Michelle Obama not attending the event, stating, “I can’t tell what’s more surprising, Michelle Obama not going or that Melania is going.”
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If Pete Hegseth is actually confirmed, it will be the first time a person is confirmed to serve the people of the United States that has a worse reputation than the predators now serving time in prison for illicit sexual crimes. There has GOT to be a more decent, honorable candidate for this position. Period.