A day after Donald Trump delivered the longest-ever modern State of the Union chock full of red meat for his base, late-night hosts spent much of their monologue time mocking how little gumption the Democrats seemed to be able to muster up in response. Throw in some Epstein Files and a little chicken-tariff humor and that’s late night under a second Donald Trump administration, everybody. Here’s our rundown of Wednesday night’s monologues.
Seth Meyers
Count Seth Meyers among those who found the president’s speech “interminable and excruciating.” Of course, there was some excitement in the form of the shouted objections from (and subsequent removal of) Texas Democratic Congressman Al Green, who Meyers argued was pretty much the only Democrat who got the assignment right.
“His speech was so long, Adrien Brody played him off.”
“Thankfully, Republicans would never stoop to such an unruly display. When they disagree with the actions of Congress, they express those disagreements the right way. By putting on a big ol’ ornamental Viking headdress, scaling the walls with Trump flags and smashing windows, and stealing a podium.”
on the GOP claiming offense at Al Green’s outburst
“Also, can we please cool it the whole ‘whither decorum?’ dance? This guy’s changed the game and these are the new rules. He literally called Elizabeth Warren ‘Pocahontas’ again last night, which is deeply offensive and also a film that is 20 minutes shorter than the speech last night.”
“At least Al Green last night was interrupting to protect Medicaid, unlike Marjorie Taylor Green, who was demanding to know, you know, ‘Where are you hiding the Dalmatians.'”
“Paddles? Are you guys headed out for a game of pickleball after this?”
on the other democrats’ little signs
“‘Captain Chaos?’ No offense, but that’s kind of rad. I mean, if Trump started calling Elon Musk Captain Chaos, he’d definitely start wearing it on a t-shirt.”
on house minority leader hakeem jeffries’ attempt at trash talk
“I’m sorry, but nobody gives a f*ck about Ronald Reagan. I mean, remember the Reagan movie that came out last year? That’s right, you don’t. The only way you saw that movie was if you visited your grandma at the old folks home on movie day.”
on democratic rebuttal deliverer Rep. elise Slotkin (D-MI) pining for the days of ronald reagan(?)
Taylor Tomlinson
The After Midnight host wasn’t surprised that Donald Trump’s speech was full of “lies, propaganda, and threats.” Like Meyers, she largely took out her frustrations on congressional Democrats’ seeming inability to show some backbone. (Unless you’re Al Green.)
“Can you really call it an address if he can barely read?”
on trump’s teleprompter skills to a joint address to congress
“Luckily, Democrats stood up to him the only way they know how—by writing about it later in their diaries.”
“Like, you really shouldn’t stand up to fascism the same way we play Is It Caked?“
“Trump could dig up FDR’s corpse, put makeup on it, and set it on fire, and Democrats would just hold up a little sign that says, ‘This violates norms.'”
“Next we’ll see headings for ‘Can He Do That?,’ and then ‘Uh Oh, He Did That.’ Followed up by ’10 New Recipes to Spice Up Your Gruel.'”
on the new york times creating an “is that legal?” tab for Trump’s speech
“Yeah, it’s not gonna be another Great Depression, it’s just gonna be a Great Adjustment Period. It’s fine! We’re not in an economic collapse, we’re just micro-dosing starvation.”
on trump’s spin of his tariff-crashing economy
Michael Kosta
Over on The Daily Show, Michael Kosta was likewise critical of the Democrats’ response to Trump’s speech. After a long metaphor comparing the night’s scripted events to a theatrical production. Kosta concluded with his review. “Humiliating and a display of thirst for attention, blind partisan rage, and a total disinterest in doing anything that would help the people. In other words, it truly was the state of the union.”Â
“Democrats showed up in full wardrobe, dressed in pink as a symbolic protest against people who wanted them to do something meaningful.”
“Yeaaah. You know, theres something kind of badass about shaking a cane at someone, right? ‘Don’t f*ck with me unless you want to take this very slowly outside.'”
expressing admiration for septuagenarian green
“I’ve gotta say, props to this guy. He got to send a message to Donald Trump and go home early.”
“Careful, you guys. The last time Republicans got this rowdy at the Capitol, Nancy Pelosi had to bleach her desk.”
on republicans repeated “USA!” chants
“First of all, I think it is normal at this point. Trump has been in our lives for a decade now—sadly, this is our normal. In the same way that 20 years ago it wasn’t normal to drunkenly jump in the back seat of a strangers car, but now it’s called Uber.”
on Rep. Melanie Stansbury (D-NM) silently holding a “this is not normal” sign behind trump as he entered
“I can’t believe we’re paying that many people Social Security! I can’t believe it because it’s not true.”
on the debunked CLAIMS trump is using as pretext to destroy social security
“‘I don’t get why everybody I’ve been bullying for ten years never smiles at me. Why don’t you like me, you limp-d*cked lunatics?'”
on trump whining that democrats never cheer for him
Jimmy Kimmel
For Kimmel and Stephen Colbert, who both went live (or nearly so) with post-debate episodes on Tuesday, Wednesday’s monologues were freed up to tackle some topics. You know, after a little more piling on.
“This year for Lent, we are giving up democracy.”
happy ash wednesday, everybody!
“His speech was 10 minutes longer than The Lion King—and had twice as much lyin’ in it.”
“Do you know how many times Trump lied during his speech last night? 11 million. Three fact-checkers died adding it up.”
“Do you think they know this and just ignore it? Or maybe they’re so dumb they don’t know how to Google. Or maybe they think we’re so dumb we don’t know how to Google.”
On Trump’s CLAIMS about government spending on “transgender mice,” which is actually about the unrelated study of “transgenic mice“
“They’re just trying to cure dementia and heart disease, which you think Trump would be for, since they are both coming for him real soon.”
“That is the Vermont version of a diss track. Bernie is like Kendrick Lamar in orthopedic shoes.”
praising bernie sanders’ vehement rebuttal of trump’s speech
Moving on, Kimmel then took careful aim at a certain airplane. Namely, Jeffrey Epstein’s, in which both Donald Trump and Robert F. Kennedy Jr repeatedly flew. Noting how newly installed Attorney General Pam Bondi is suddenly dragging her feet about releasing the so-called Epstein Files revealing which rich men flew on the late convicted pedophile sex traffickers private jet , Kimmel wasn’t shy about speculating why.
“‘National security reasons?’ I know he had a plane—did Jeffrey Epstein have a UFO they flew on, too?”
“Let’s be honest, the reason this is taking so long is because Trump and Jeffrey Epstein spent more time on planes together than the Wright Brothers.”
“They will release Diddy before they release all the Epstein files unredacted.”
Kimmel also hoisted Trump on his top henchman/boss’ own A.I. petard. Showing a report from Elon Musk’s artificial intelligence service Grok that said there’s a 75-85 percent chance Donald Trump is a Russian asset, Kimmel thought it only fair to suggest we should trust the same technology Musk is relying on to determine which thousands of government workers to summarily fire.
“I mean, if that’s good enough to fire somebody, Grok him up.”
Stephen Colbert
Striding along from the State of the Union stuff, Colbert on Wednesday went full, “It’s the economy, stupid,” by taking aim at Trump’s tariff plan, which has tanked the stock market and torpedoed consumer confidence after just a few days.
“The Wall Street Journal said he was starting ‘the dumbest trade war in history.’ Yes, it’s clearly the worst trade since third grade, when Timmy traded his Dunkaroos for an apple. Smooth move, nerd!”
“But who better to gamble that a guy who somehow bankrupted his own casino. I’m kidding, obviously—it was multiple casinos.”
on the new york times calling trump’s tariffs “his biggest gamble ever”
“Which is why they’ve had to update their slogan from ‘Expect more. Pay less.’ To ‘Pay more. Shut up.'”
on retailer target announcing tariff-related price increases
Colbert also had some infectious fun with Trump’s Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, who promised on Fox News that Trump would not-under any circumstances—pause any of his tariffs. No. Matter What.
“‘None of that pause stuff! That thing when you pause for even a second and all those thoughts come into your head. And they’re telling you you’re a dumb guy, that don’t you don’t know what you’re doing. Like your dad always said when he’d wake you up and scream, ‘You’re a putz, Howard, you’re a stain on the Lutnick name, you’re the reason your mom ran away with Uncle Morty.’ We’re not doin’ that pause stuff!'”
“‘What I mean is, we’re doin’ the pause stuff. I love the pause. We’re all about the pause. I’m part of a group of men who love to pause—I am in men-o-pause.'”
after Trump almost immediately paused his tariffs on automobiles
To be fair, Colbert moved on to show how, in these times of rising egg prices and tariffs on agricultural goods, the Trump administration is all about solutions.
“‘Have fun?’ Those farmers need foreign countries to buy our crops because Americans can’t possibly jam any more corn into our high fruct-hole. America’s already at Defcon Corn.”
on trump using social media to tell beleaguered farmers to just “have fun” with suddenly vanished overseas markets
“Yeah it’s awesome! And it’s so easy to do. And if you can’t afford a chicken, you can just grow your own. First, you’ll need an egg—dammit!”
on Trump’s agriculture Secretary Brooke Rollins telling people worried about egg prices to raise some chickens at home
“Just like how during Covid, the CDC told us to wipe down our groceries with live bats.”
parsing the whole “backyard chickens” idea when millions of chickens are being slaughtered because of bird flu contamination
“Now that, my friends, is good business. Sure you’re down 300 bucks, but on the plus side, chickens die easily, poop everywhere, and attract coyotes to your swing set.”Â
comparing the relative costs of eggs vs. the new “rent a chicken” cottage industry
Jimmy Fallon
Fallon, too, did a little post-SOTU clean-up.
“Adrien Brody was like, ‘Game respect game.'”
on the length of trump’s speech
“During his address, Trump declared that America ‘will be woke no longer.’ And after 100 minutes of him speaking, no one was.”
“Trump was like, ‘Not true. Elon Musk is my man date.'”Â
on rep. Al green interrupting to announce “Trump has no mandate”
“Trump was confused by the paddles. He was like, ‘We’re not auctioning off Greenland until later.'”
on other Democrats’ chosen silent objection strategy
And on the non-Trump side.
“Right now Drake is like, ‘Oh no.'”
on the world cup introducing a halftime show
“Police in Florida said that a man allegedly stole and then ate nearly 800 thousand dollars worth of diamonds. A few hours later, his toilet said, ‘Yes, yes! 800 thousand times yes!'”
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