Weds Night Monologues: Pardon the Insurrection

Day two of the second Trump administration saw late-night hosts already swamped with material they’d clearly prefer didn’t exist. January 6 pardons! Trump versus Jesus! TikTok’s uncertain future! Everyone’s freezing! Here’s our round-up of the night’s best lines from across the dial.

Ronny Chieng

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The Daily Show host kicked off his Wednesday show with a takedown of Donald Trump’s contentious appearance at what is traditionally a lay-up for a new president, the post-inauguration prayer service. Sadly for the incoming leader, the leader of that flock was Episcopal Bishop Mariann Buddie, who used her pulpit to issue a heartfelt plea for mercy and decency on behalf of the poor, the downtrodden, and–apparently most galling to Trump–immigrants and the LGBTQ community.

Chieng, sympathizing with Trump’s visible in-church fuming and post-church social media attacks on the Bishop, could only note that the event “is not exactly his preferred way to start the day. [Shows photo of Christ on the cross] It’s never fun for him to be a guest at someone else’s rally.”

[Writing] “‘New executive order… we are banning church.'”

“Hey Bishop, please. We don’t go to church to hear a lecture about having mercy on the less fortunate. That’s not what church is for!”

“He was probably looking up at Jesus on the cross and being like, ‘Hey, you and me both, brother.'”

Chieng went on to address the rest of Trump’s bad day on Tuesday, focusing on the uproar over his sweeping pardon of some 1,500 Capitol rioters, including hundreds convicted of assaulting the police officers attempting to stop the January 6 insurrection.

[On Trump responding to the outrage greeting the pardons by complaining that “murderers today are not even charged”] “See? Some murderers aren’t in jail, therefore nobody should be in jail.”

“Also think big picture here. If he lets these violent criminals go, there’s a chance they’ll kill the other violent criminals and then they’ll just cancel each other out.”

[On an Axios report that when Trump was faced with reviewing all 1,500 cases to determine which non-violent rioters should be granted pardons, finally said, “F*ck it, release ’em all”] “I have never related to Trump more. ‘This PDF is 400 pages? Okay, f*ck it—all crime is legal.'”

“And look, you can’t expect someone to go through these cases one-by-one. I mean, the FBI did, and the prosecutors did, and the judges did, and the juries, and the paralegals, and the person who types on that weird little typewriter no one else knows how to use. But Trump is busy, okay? It’s much easier to go select-alt-delete.”

[On Tommy Tuberville (R-AL) saying he hasn’t watched the January 6 footage of rioters beating Capitol Police] “No spoilers! Tommy Tuberville hasn’t watched Jan 6 yet, okay? He’ll get to it, but there’s just so much to watch these days. You know, he’s still got 9/11 and Benghazi on his DVR.”

“What do you mean you didn’t see the insurrection? You lived it! This is like a Titanic survivor saying, “I haven’t seen the movie, don’t tell me what happens.'”

Seth Meyers

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Wednesday’s “A Closer Look” segment saw Seth Meyers digging into Donald Trump’s obsession with returning America to the Gilded Age. For those not up on historical eras, that was, as Meyers explained, “a period of staggering inequality dominated by robber barons.” Meyers postulated that the billionaire-heavy makeup of Trump’s cabinet nominees and inner circle are proof that his Make America Great Again slogan means eliminating all semblance of governmental ethics on behalf of an untouchable monied class, citing Trump’s day one elimination of a raft of Biden-created ethics rules.

[On Trump idealizing the Gilded Age economy over the present day] “Is it possible that the United States of America was actually richer before cars were mass produced, before polio was cured, back when Coca-Cola still had actual cocaine in it? I mean that part I get, because people were probably way more productive. ‘Yeah, I’m gonna ride a horse down to the farm and then I’m gonna plant a bunch of corn and sh*t, then I’m gonna go to the factory and make a bunch o’ textiles. Put ’em on a railroad car, ride a horse down to the oil field, waaaa!!'”

“Do you really think America had more money before cell phones and computers existed? [Trump voice] ‘America used to be a rich nation but then came the cell phone and now everybody spends their money on extra lives in Candy Crush, and that’s why we have to place tariffs on the Jelly Queen and Cupcake Carl.'”

Meyers then took time to dig into the fallout from billionaire Trump donor Elon Musk’s awfully familiar-looking salute during his speech at Trump inauguration rally on Monday. You know the one he’s talking about.

[On the Anti-Defamation League urging people not to jump to conclusions about what they saw] “It does answer the question, what do you get the man who has everything—the benefit of the doubt.”

“I don’t know why everyone was complaining. He’s just grabbing his heart and throwing it violently out to the crowd. In that classic gesture that has no dark historical overtones.” 

“I mean, who among us hasn’t seig-ed when we were trying to zag?” 

Meyers also zoomed in on Hulk Hogan’s appearance at the gala, which, while not featuring any suspect salutes, did include the wrestler effortfully pulling the sleeves off his shirt on Fox News.

“This is what we can expect for the next few years, an aging TV personality pretending to wrestle America’s enemies while, much like Hulk Hogan’s sleeves, he rips us off.”

Jimmy Kimmel

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There’s no late-night host who wears his emotions on his sleeve more than Jimmy Kimmel, so the fact that Republicans are threatening to withhold federal disaster aid from his own , still-burning Los Angeles home for political reasons had Kimmel spoiling for a fight.

[On House Speaker Mike Johnson suggesting California would have to undo its sanctuary cities policies in order to receive aid] “You would think, as people living in an area prone to wildfires, we’d get a bit more sympathy from an elf who lives in a hollowed-out tree.”

[On Donald Trump’s claim that there is a “giant valve” that California could have turned to put out the fires] “Such a good question. How could we forget about our giant super-sink?”

[Following another clip in which Trump claimed California’s drought restrictions had something to do with rich people taking long showers] “Anyway, I am outraged by the cost of eggs.”

Kimmel then took aim at Trump’s immigration raids, which have seen ICE agents storming largely Democrat-run cities across the country in the past two days, including at schools and churches.

“The mass deportations Trump promised are underway. Large-scale raids on undocumented immigrants started today, which means Melania is hiding in her bedroom for two reasons now.”

With his confirmation hearing slated for this week, Secretary of Defense nominee Pete Hegseth’s latest allegations (this time of terrorizing his second wife) gave Kimmel plenty to work with.

[Segueing from Trump’s systemic purge of government officials working on diversity and nondiscrimination policies] “Trump says the only thing that matters when hiring people are aptitude and qualifications. ‘Now please confirm this blackout drunk I pulled off Fox News for Secretary of Defense, okay?'”

[On the affidavit’s claim that Hegseth’s former sister-in-law and his second wife had a secret code for when Hegseth became violent] “The code was, ‘This man should never be Defense Secretary of the United States.'”

Later, Kimmel equated Republicans’ climate change denial with the record-breaking frigid weather crippling much of the South.

“This has to be God punishing us for pulling out of the Paris Climate Accord. It snowed in Georgia, Alabama, Texas. Senator Ted Cruz is requesting an extra blanket on his United flight to Cabo as we speak.”

Taylor Tomlinson

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For the After Midnight host, this weekend’s TikTok ban, as brief as it turned out to be, was pretty momentous. After all, After Midnight drinks deep from the video-sharing app’s usually endless flow of weird and revealing clips for content.

Expressing her gratitude for the temporary reprieve, Tomlinson confessed, “We couldn’t do this show without TikTok. Which feels like a local news anchor being like, ‘I’m grateful for all the carjackings.'”

“Someone suggested I watch Instagram Reels instead? Yeah, no, I stabbed them.”

“Yeah, Reels is exactly the same. And Nicorette gum tastes exactly like cigarettes, shut up. You sound like an idiot.”

“The U.S. government claims TikTok should be banned because it steals our data, which is unacceptable, I guess. ‘Cause they’re like, “Hey, that’s Mark’s thing.'”

“Why is Trump freeing TikTok? TikTok didn’t storm the Capitol.”

“Trump was part of the original movement to ban TikTok and now he’s the one letting us keep it. So it kind of feels like someone kidnapped my child and then was like, ‘Hey, I found your baby!'”

Jimmy Fallon

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Trump’s controversial blanket pardon for the January 6 insurrectionists seemed to infiltrate all aspects of Jimmy Fallon’s Tonight Show monologue, with the host finding comparisons in everything from the weather to the First Family to the revival of one particular reality show of yore.

“It was so cold out there today, all the January 6 rioters stormed a Burlington Coat Factory.”

[On reports of even Trump’s allies being shocked at the blanket pardons] “They were like, ‘This isn’t the thoughtful, measured Trump we remembered from the first term.'”

“At this point the only prisoner Trump hasn’t released is Melania.”

[On A&E’s planned revival of Duck Dynasty] “A spokesman for the network said, ‘Thanks to the January 6 pardons, we’ll have at least 1,600 viewers.'”

“Meanwhile, Gen Z is like, ‘What is being revived on what?'” 

Meanwhile, Donald Trump’s eye-opening claim that he’s considering sanctions against Russia for Vladimir Putin’s invasion of Ukraine had Fallon raising an eyebrow or two.

“Not only will Trump sanction Russia, he’s also threatening to take full custody of Kim Jong Un.”

“When Trump threatened him, Putin was like, ‘Ever since you’ve started hanging out with Elon, you’ve like totally changed.'”

Stephen Colbert

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Before he got to the night’s Trump material, Stephen Colbert regaled his Late Show audience with jokes about something everyone can agree on—It’s really freaking freezing out there. Addressing the record-breaking low temperatures and unprecedented snowfall hitting the Deep South, Colbert could only re-dub afflicted New Orleans’ normally laid-back catchphrase as, “Laissez le bon temps frozeé.”

[On New Orleans receiving a whopping eight inches of snow] “That snow is going to really change the vibe of throwing beads at Mardi Gras. ‘Show me your layers!'”

“New Orleans hasn’t seen that much powder since anyone took a bite from a beignet.”

Of course, Colbert couldn’t delay the inevitable for long with all his jokes about unlikely Bourbon Street snowball fights. “Speaking of bone-chilling, Donald Trump,” Colbert segued, greeting the ensuing cascade of extended boos with a helpful, “It’s okay, get it out.”

On Trump’s January 6 pardons, Colbert brought some polling and lambasted Republicans’ hasty exits and denials when asked if they support the release of the people who violently tried to storm their workplace.

[On a poll showing an overwhelming lack of support for Trump’s pardon of the January 6 rioters] “Two out of 10! If you want an idea of how unpopular that is, that’s only one point higher than the Rotten Tomatoes score for Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.”

[On House Speaker Mike Johnson (R-LA) stating it’s “not my place” to second-guess Trump] “Not your place? They attacked the House of Representatives! That is literally your place.”

“[On Senator Tommy Tuberville claiming he hadn’t seen the videos of the insurrection] “Well, I guess if he hasn’t seen anything, it didn’t exist. In which case, Senator…” [Pantomimes hiding whatever the middle finger of one hand is doing when hidden by his other hand.]

[On Trump’s reported, “F*ck it, release ’em all” approach to the sweeping pardons] “What? Just ’cause it was taking a minute? So from now on the TSA can just go, ‘You know what, line’s too long. Everyone on the plane. Excuse me sir? You dropped your samurai sword, there you go.'”

[On rumors that Trump will invite some of the released January 6 convicts to the White House] “You know what, if you really want to get them in there, tell them they’re not invited. They’ll find a way.”

For a man of proud faith himself, Colbert naturally had some thoughts about Donald Trump’s eventful visit to the national prayer service, where he wound up wounded by Bishop Buddie quoting the Bible on the topic of mercy and kindness to those less fortunate.

Visibly moved by Buddie’s example of faith in action, Colbert noted solemnly, “Not only was it beautiful, it took courage to stand up there and say something simple, something so kind, something so true to the example of Christ.” He then took a beat before adding, “And even better, it made Trump super uncomfortable.”

[On Republican Congressman Mike Collins (R-GA) demanding that Buddie be deported for daring to preach Jesus’ words to Trump] “Yes! Hell yeah, no. Let’s send her back to the hellhole she came from—New Jersey.”

[On Trump complaining that the sermon “wasn’t too exciting”] “Yeah, dog, it’s church! The most exciting thing happens is sometimes they ring a little bell.”

With the confirmation process for Trump’s cabinet picks still underway, Colbert moved on to the debate surrounding Pete Hegseth. Noting that the Defense Secretary nominee’s roster of alleged misconduct (including multiple reports of sexual assault and being, as Colbert put it, “the drinkiest drunk that ever done drank”) now includes a sworn affidavit of spousal abuse from Hegseth’s former sister-in-law, Colbert warned, “You never want to cross a sister-in-law. You know their slogan: Sisters-in-law—Please Venmo me for the damage Parker caused to the couch. Thanks.”

[On the affidavit also claiming Hegseth had to be carried out of a strip club in his military uniform] “Okay, now that seems inappropriate, but maybe he was just being patriotic. You know, throwing little portraits of George Washington onto the stage.”

[On reports of a drunken Hegseth vomiting and/or blacking out in multiple locations] “Evidently there is no place that Pete Hegseth hasn’t passed out. You can read all about it in the new children’s classic, Oh, the Places You’ll Go Unconscious!

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