Missed Tuesday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Let Them Eat the Groceries I Invented
Amidst the understandable outcry about Donald Trump nominating literally every family member, crony, unelectable tech bro, and other assorted, dangerously unqualified bootlicker to his cabinet, it’s glaring how many fellow tax-evading billionaires are in the mix. That’s because Trump made his pitch to his gullible rubes loyal voters that he was all about the white common man.
There are more billionaires flocking to Trump’s second administration than did to Jeffrey Epstein’s underage sex island, which is a little weird. After all, as Seth Meyers noted in his “A Closer Look” segment on Wednesday, if he were a billionaire, the last thing he’d do is hang out with, be bullied by, and otherwise ever think about Donald Trump again. It’s almost like obscenely wealthy people think they have something to gain by serving a grifting lifelong plutocrat who’s made massive tax breaks for the rich and a complete gutting of all workers’ rights, environmental and safety regulations, and anti-trust laws the center of his agenda and—yup, I see it now.
As Meyers and others have noted, all of Trump’s populist schtick (including the baffling recent brag that nobody used the word “groceries” until he did) is nothing but cover for his plan to turn America into a Putin-esque oligarchy where the one percent of the one percent will be put in charge of anything that could conceivably hinder their lust to loot the country. Meanwhile, those suckers blue collar Trump voters get nothing except Republicans’ promises to kill their Medicare and Social Security and raise the retirement age until their only recourse is to go back to work bagging those groceries that their Glorious Leader invented until they drop dead of a preventable disease right onto their name tag.
“Trump claimed he won because he was in touch with the needs of working people and he’s following through by assembling a cabinet of regular, blue collar Americans who understand what it’s like to struggle to make ends meet and I’m just f**king with you—it’s like a sh*t-ton of billionaires.”
seth meyers
“Trump’s cabinet of billionaires is going to enforce loyalty among Republicans. Now if you had to guess, what do you think would be the top priority of the wealthiest administration in history? If you guessed lowering prescription drug costs and reining in corporate price-gouging, you gotta get better at guessing because that was a really bad guess.”
seth meyers
[On Trump’s cosplaying populism] “Nothing more out of touch than a billionaire dressed like a garbage man explaining to us what groceries are. This is like if the Met Gala thought it would be cute to do Janitor Chic.”
seth meyers
[On Trump’s all-oligarch cabinet] “One thing I can guarantee is than none of those people ever had to buy their own f**king groceries. They’re probably the only people in the world who do believe Trump invented the word. ‘You mean those stores that sell all of that loose food?'”
seth meyers
“So how are they gonna pay for the 4 trillion dollars in tax cuts? If you guessed cutting defense spending, tax loopholes, and corporate subsidies, you in general need to stop guessing, ‘cause it’s not your thing.
seth meyers
[On GOP Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Under Dorothy’s House) claiming that Trump’s billionaire pal Elon Musk is creating “naughty and nice” lists of Republicans willing to submit to Trump] “The only thing Musk and Santa Claus have in common is they both need a magic sleigh to get higher than an inch in the air.”
seth meyers
[On Republicans admitting they’re planning to raise the retirement age after Trump spent the entire campaign he wouldn’t raise it “by even one day”] “I have to admit, it would be objectively funny to raise the retirement age by one day. ‘Sorry Frank, give me back that gold watch, we’ll see you on Monday. Don’t you dare touch that cake in the break room!'”
seth meyers
[Meanwhile, the nation’s top law enforcement official, FBI head Christopher Wray, is fleeing town before Trump and his wealthy henchmen fire him] “Well I think it’s fitting that America’s top law enforcement officer is timing his resignation to coincide with the end of law.”
stephen colbert
“This news doesn’t come as a shock because Donald Trump has repeatedly indicated he would fire him. And that’s not surprising. The president-elect has had it out for Wray ever since Wray was appointed by a man who nearly destroyed Trump’s political career—Donald Trump.”
stephen colbert
Luigi Manifesto
With the arrest of alleged CEO-killer Luigi Mangione dominating the news cycle for all the least relevant reasons, comics continued their valiant efforts to try to refocus the issue. Sure, the suspected murderer of UnitedHealthcare exec Brian Thompson is conventionally attractive, but is that all there is to a story that appears to strike at the very heart of both America’s seemingly terminal problem with white men thinking gun violence is the solution to life’s dissatisfactions and the undeniable fact that the murderous inequities of for-profit healthcare in America is enough to drive seemingly ordinary citizens to execution-style violence?
Apparently so, as mainstream news seems determined to throw all of its 24-hour punditry after the glibbest public discourse rather than pursue any themes that might get their own rich owners a little irritated and/or nervous. The fact that Mangione’s terse 262-word supposed manifesto explicitly states that he undertook his crime in response to the pain and suffering caused by healthcare companies (UnitedHealthcare denies a record 32 percent of all claims) repeatedly gets drowned out by media types breathlessly combing through the suspect’s social media for motives—about the thing he openly admits he did. (Oh, they’re also trying to pin the murder on video games, because 1982 never ended.)
In a media ecosystem threatened by an incoming president publicly threatening to punish any news (or comedic news) figures who dare criticize him, it’s going to be a mighty test for late-night comedians whose job it is to point and laugh at the emperor’s exposed backside—and the media figures unwilling to do the same.
“That’s not a manifesto, that’s a mini-festo.”
stephen colbert
“He could have just made it a Yelp review. ‘American healthcare sucks. One star.'”
stephen colbert
[On the supposed manifesto’s oddly unassuming tone] “Okay, ‘I don’t really know what I’m talking about’ is a surprising thing to put in a manifesto. This is the first murder manifesto I’ve read that could have ended with, ‘But no worries if not.'”
michael kosta
“Well at least he apologized. Reminds me of what Manson said after his murders, ‘Whoops, my bad.'”
stephen colbert
“You never hear the Taliban be like, ‘Death to America… but we’re not experts, so grain of salt.'”
michael kosta
[After a reporter’s tale of the amount of eye contact Mangione made at his hearing] “‘He looked at me, he saw me, we had a moment, and, Nora I’m getting reports just now that I can change him.'”
michael kosta
“Can I just say, this is confusing as a straight man to me. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do to attract women. One day it’s do more work around the house, the next it’s be a better listener, and now apparently it’s execute the leader of a Fortune 500 company.”
michael kosta
[After Mangione, at his McDonald’s arrest, apologized for initially giving a fake ID] “Uh huh. Good start. What else shouldn’t you have done?”
stephen colbert
“It’s so crazy to think that Donald Trump working the French fry machine was only the second weirdest thing to happen at a McDonald’s in a Pennsylvania this year.”
jimmy kimmel
“People are so angry at the American healthcare system that they’re treating him like a folk hero. And before we go any further I just want to say something that I know takes courage. And I don’t care how many viewers this costs me. [Takes off glasses for emphasis] I believe murder is wrong.”
stephen colbert
“In this country, if you get sick or you’re severely disabled and your health insurer won’t cover it, you’re out of luck. But if you do something violent to protest that, here’s your free attorney.”
jimmy kimmel
[On the unsurprising proliferation of “free Luigi” merch, including dog bandanas] “Y’all knock it off, don’t make your dog wear murderer stuff. It’s Christmas, make him wear the plush reindeer antlers that he hates.”
stephen colbert
“Many healthcare executives, these CEOs want you to know that they hear your frustration and they are doing something about it. They’re hiring private security. Your grandma can drop dead.”
jimmy kimmel
[On UnitedHealthcare’s falling stock prices] “Well I hope you’re happy. You guys made the money sad.”
stephen colbert
Mediterranean Consolation
It would be sort of funny that Donald Trump is trying to give his similarly philandering eldest failson‘s latest side-piece an ambassadorship after he traded her in for a younger model. Actually, it is very funny, in a “so long, America, we had a good run” sort of way.
[On Kimberly Guilfoyle being nominated as Ambassador to Greece] “Clearly Don Jr. went to his dad and said, ‘Hey dad I got a hot new girlfriend. Can you do me a solid and send the old one to the other side of the planet?'”
stephen colbert
“Wow, what a great way to end a relationship. Forget about, ‘Listen it’s not you, it’s me.’ Now we’ve got, ‘Listen, how would you like to be the ambassador to Greece?'”
michael kosta
“I’m sorry, what? [Choking up] I’m sorry, I just need a minute. This one hurts—because you let yourself believe in love just a little bit and then [hits chest] stupid heart, stupid heart, stupid heart. I don’t want to learn a whole new lady!”
stephen colbert
[On Trump claiming the unqualified former Fox News figure would foster a great relationship with Greece] “He’s not totally wrong there. Being engaged to Don Jr. has given Guilfoyle a lot of experience with grease.”
stephen colbert
[On Guilfoyle’s Fox News sex scandal, where she settled out of court a suit alleging she showed pictures of her lovers’ genitals to coworkers] “Well now we know why Guilfoyle’s getting an ambassadorship on her way out the door. She’s clearly got pics of Don Jr.’s junior don.”
stephen colbert
Pete Heg-Hic-Seth
Alcoholism is a disease. Those who are battling its debilitating influence should be commended, not stigmatized or mocked.
You know, unless they are unrepentant bro-bigots and accused slobbering rapists vying for unearned leadership of the most sophisticated and potentially deadly military organization in human history at the orders of an anti-democracy would-be dictator. In that case, bombs away, Michael Kosta.
[On GOP Senator Tommy Tuberville (R-Mayberry’s Racist Sister City) defending Hegseth because he’s not, like, totally drunk all the time] “‘Does he piss martinis and sh*t olives? No? Well give this man security clearance!'”
michael kosta
“I’m sorry, but ‘He’s not drunk every second of his life,’ it’s a pretty low bar. Which, by the way, is the only bar that Pete Hegseth hasn’t been thrown out of.”Â
michael Kosta
“Look, you can argue what the exact definition of a drinking problem is, but I think a good barometer is, is everyone in the country talking about how much you drink? Then you probably have a drinking problem.”
michael kosta
[On Senator Markwayne Mullin (R-Bootlick Village) saying essentially, “Look, plenty of people having drinking problems”] “It’s like he’s saying, ‘Oh nobody cared about my drinking problem before I got behind the wheel, but now all of a sudden it’s a problem?'”
michael kosta
“Ultimately it’s worse if you’re an alcoholic in certain jobs. Like, you don’t want to have an alcoholic pilot. But a drunk Daily Show host? What’s the worst that can happen? I pee myself behind the desk and I need LaToya to bring me new pants, right now, LaToya, new pants…”
michael kosta
[On Hegseth promising he totally won’t drink if he’s confirmed] “It’s good enough for me. When has an alcoholic ever promised to do better and not followed through?”
michael kosta
“‘Just put me in charge of the largest military in history and I’ll stop drinking. By the way, Jell-O shots don’t count as drinking, that’s eating. That’s a solid.'”
michael kosta
[On Trump excusing Hegseth by making a point about how he could stop eating(?)] “All right, I think I speak for everyone when I say, sir, no you couldn’t.”
michael kosta
“But still, there’s a big difference between alcoholism and eating. No one’s ever said, ‘Dad, you came home full again.'”
michael kosta
This List Is Incognito
Forget your year-end music wrap-up, Jimmy Kimmel dug deep into PornHub’s state-by-state most popular porn searches.
“They say the average amount of time men spend on their site is the same amount of time their wives spend at the grocery store, minus eight seconds.”
jimmy kimmel
“Wisconsin likes pee, which is a slogan they should definitely put on their license plates.”
jimmy kimmel
“Colorado is into foot-jobs, which means that the next time Lauren Boebert goes to see Beetlejuice, she’ll have to take off her shoes.”
jimmy kimmel
“In Iowa, the top search was ‘work trip.’ An Iowan’s sexiest fantasy is leaving Iowa.”
jimmy kimmel
And Person Who…
You can see the accompanying photos in your head.
“Former Fox News host and woman who gets her filler done at Build-a-Bear, Kimberly Guilfoyle.”
stephen colbert
“Let’s begin with the story that everyone is still talking about, the arrest of Luigi Mangione. Alleged CEO killer and the reason ‘conjugal visit’ is trending on Google.”
michael kosta
“Mangione is now lawyered up, which means we have the first new character in what is sure to be an ongoing crime drama, Altoona attorney Tom Dickey, who’s best known for his work playing Bilbo Baggins in The Hobbit.”
jimmy kimmel
“Things are a little rockier for Pete Hegseth, Trump’s nominee for Secretary of Defense and veteran of multiple tours with Captain Morgan.”
michael kosta
“There’s also been trouble brewing for Trump’s HHS nominee and last living California Raisin, RFK Jr.”
stephen colbert
Potpourri
“We’re officially only two weeks away from Christmas. Today every Amazon driver looked at their family and said, Well, see you in 2025.”
jimmy fallon
[On there being essentially only one Hanukkah movie, Adam Sandler’s 2002 animated comedy Eight Crazy Nights] “That’s the miracle, they made one Hanukkah movie to last 22 years.”
jimmy kimmel
“There are more Christmas movies starring dogs than there are Hanukkah movies starring people. There are more ways to spell the word Hanukkah than there are movies about Hanukkah.”
jimmy kimmel
[On the post office warning against text scams] “The postal service was like, ‘Don’t be fooled by text messages because we’re not even close to having that technology.'”
jimmy fallon
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