Missed Wednesday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
The Sh*ts Just Keep On A-Comin’
One of the chief Trump administration strategies is to flood your brain and your social media feed with so much unbelievable nonsense that you just tune out in self-preservation. Of course, talking about strategy with regard to Donald Trump is akin to wondering why that rabid, brain-addled Saint Bernard keeps trying to attack your stalled car, but it’s still important to remember when processing the parade of toe-licking sycophants, dangerous bigots, and compromised kooks being lined up for the most powerful government positions in the land.
As a side note, writing clever insults describing Trump’s nominees is becoming a challenge. Sure, hosts and LateNighter alike have used “clown car,” but that’s likely just a case of parallel, laughing-so-you-don’t-scream thinking. Tonight we got Seth Meyers’ “Pandora’s cabinet of goblins and weirdos” (not bad), and Stephen Colbert’s “Star Wars cantina” analogy (can see it). We’ll all try to come up with new ones, but reality is outpacing parody at this point.
Stephen Colbert was uncharacteristically at a loss for words in his Wednesday monologue, so egregiously awful was the toxic spill of news about Trump’s cabinet nominations Wednesday. All the more so because Trump has demanded that the now Republican-controlled Senate simply rubber stamp his roster of seditious racists, fascist deportation fetishists, credibly accused child molesters, unwashed poop-handers, and obvious Russian stooges with unchallenged recess appointments, something incoming GOP Senate leader John Thune has promised to do.
At one point slouching down to sit on his set stairs in disbelief, Colbert summed up the whole looming catastrophe succinctly, noting, “It is Wednesday. Which is appropriate because America is humped.”
Let’s see just how humped we are, shall we?
“During the campaign I thought that if Trump won, he’d do the worst things I could imagine. Turns out, I don’t have much of an imagination.”
stephen colbert
“Wildlife officials in Illinois recently rescued a coyote with a plastic jug stuck on its head. And this is cool—Trump’s nominated it for Secretary of Transportation.”
seth meyers
“The clown car’s filling up fast. That’s how it goes in the Trump White House. You show up crammed into a little Volkswagen and you leave thrown under a bus.”
jimmy kimmel
“Trump’s gonna sic them on the government like a bunch of ferrets on ketamine.”
seth meyers
Attorney General Amber Alert
It tough to say what truly sent Colbert spiraling, but—no it’s not, it’s Trump’s jaw-dropping (even to Republicans) pick of Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz for Attorney General. Of the United States.
Gaetz is a far-right douche who’s invited literal Holocaust deniers as his plus-one to the State of the Union in the past. But that’s likely one of the factors that tilted things in Gaetz’s favor with Trump. More egregiously considering the job of being the nation’s top law enforcement official is the undeniable fact that Gaetz has been under House Ethics Committee investigation for years for sex trafficking in underage girls—something his best friend and wingman is currently sitting in prison for.
And while hosts have had fun mocking the sideshow ridiculousness of Donald Trump’s trolling-the-libs choices to staff his second administration, Trump’s pick of this man, for this job, is especially galling. For a legally-adjudicated rapist (that’s Donnie) to select an under-investigation alleged sex criminal for the job of Attorney General is to signal to American women that their lives, safety, rights, and bodies are beyond insignificant to the Republican Party. (Not that American women didn’t generally know that already.)
Look, while the “flood the zone” strategy thing is very real, and can’t be overstated, late-night hosts are left with the unenviable task of making fun of the beyond-belief ludicrous. Which may be yet another Trump strategy. Or may just be a case of the single worst human being in the world collecting similarly evil nutcases to him like particularly obsequious flies. Either way, here come the jokes.
“This is a new low. I mean, not as low as our age of consent laws are about to be, but pretty low.”
jordan klepper
“As a part of that congressional investigation, Gaetz was questioned about whether he engaged in sexual activity with any individual under 18. Which is why next year the Justice Department is instituting a new Take Your Daughter Far Away From Work Day.”
stephen colbert
“You know what, in a lot of jobs being investigated for sex trafficking in underage girls would hurt your chance for advancement. But in the Trump administration you can list it on your resume under special skills.”
jimmy kimmel
“Quick question, the Department of Justice isn’t within 1000 feet of a school, is it?”
jordan klepper
[On Trump’s attempt to ram through his nominees while the Senate is in recess] “Coincidentally, ‘recess appointments’ also what Matt Gaetz calls his dates.”
stephen colbert
“There is not enough botox in the world to hide how shocked I am. There is also not enough botox in the world because Matt Gaetz used all of it.”
stephen colbert
Field Marshall Poopy-Palms
That’s Colbert again, engaging in a bit of sour-grapes name-calling at one of Donald Trump’s picks, Secretary of Defense nominee Pete Hegseth. Oh wait, what’s that? Hegseth is on record as having not washed his hands for 10 years because he “inoculated himself” with toilet fingers and because germs aren’t a thing because “they’re too small to see?” Yeah, Field Marshall Poopy-Palms it is.
Now there’s plenty of ridiculous tape out there on Hegseth from his tenure co-hosting the Fox & Friends weekend B-show. (Because that is, heaven help us, how he got the job.) Apart from Hegseth rejecting all medical science and common decency with the hands thing, he also nearly murdered a West Point ceremonial drummer in a live axe-throwing segment gone wrong, which is great film, but sort of distracts from the issue at hand.
For while Hegseth is a combat veteran, he is also a creepy, right-wing ideologue who is also on record claiming that women should not serve in combat and that the military is weakened by its proudly serving LGBTQ servicemen and women. He also mocked the Black Lives Matter movement, but that’s, again, probably what sealed the deal for Trump.
In addition, although none of the hosts mentioned it, Hegseth, while still in the National Guard, was banned from working Joe Biden’s inauguration after he was flagged for ties to white supremacist movements in the military. Several of his tattoos have long been adopted by Nazis, something the staunchly right-wing Hegseth claims is just one of those funny coincidences, even if Hegseth routinely echoes Trump’s white nationalist anti-Muslim rhetoric and has pushed to pardon soldiers convicted in military courts for war crimes.
So, dangerous, racist, unqualified, scornful of the law, slavishly devoted, and on the tee-vee? That’s just the sort of unwashed, axe-happy weirdo creep Donald Trump would pick to helm the single most complex and powerful organization in government.
“[On retired Army Major General and Congressman William Enyart calling Hegseth “the most spectacularly unqualified person ever nominated” as Secretary of Defense] “Well that sounds like a challenge to me!”
jimmy kimmel
“Whew, I was worried Trump wouldn’t take this seriously.”
jimmy fallon
[On a Fox News commentator comparing colleague Hegseth to—and this is not a joke—Alexander the Great] “Alexander the Great conquered the Persian Empire. This guy is a weekend host of Fox & Friends. He didn’t even make it to the Monday show.”
jimmy kimmel
“Meaning he’s not qualified to sit next to Steve Doocey.”
stephen colbert
“Pete Hegseth, the Fox & Friends weekend understudy. I mean, the Department of Defense is one of the most complex bureaucracies in human history and the president is choosing its leader in the same way I chose breakfast cereals as a kid. ‘Hey, I saw that toucan on TV! He must know how to make cereal.'”
jordan klepper
“If we have a war on a weekday, he won’t know what to do.”
stephen colbert
“Yeah he picked the host of Fox & Friends Weekend. When he heard, Sean Hannity was like, ‘Did what we have mean nothing to you?'”
jimmy fallon
“That’s right, a Fox News host will be in charge of the Defense Department. I know it sounds bad, but it was going to be either him or The General.”
seth meyers
“See, this is why you can’t let Trump watch TV while he’s picking his cabinet. ‘Mr. President, who should be in charge of Housing and Urban Development?’ ‘How about Tom Selleck? He seems to know about these reverse mortgages, he’s all over them.'”
jimmy kimmel
“No it’s great, let’s f**kin’ go for it. This is what voters want. Let’s give it to ‘em. Attorney General? How about Lionel Hutz. Health Secretary Doctor Zizmor. Secretary of Education, the guy from Cash Cab. And head of the Environmental Protection Agency can just be some weirdo who loves garbage—oh wait, we already have one of those.” [Picture of Trump in his Trump-branded garbage truck.]
seth meyers
“That’s right, no women in combat roles. In Trump’s America, if women really want to risk their lives they’re gonna have to get pregnant.”
jordan klepper
[On the errant axe toss, which hit the arm of a drummer from West Point] “Well if we learned anything from Def Leppard, it’s that you only need one arm to drum.”
jimmy kimmel
“I mean, I’d understand if it were bass players, but drummers?”
jordan klepper
“Why are you throwing an axe in Midtown Manhattan? Saying yes to that takes the same kind of unearned confidence it takes to say yes to being Secretary of Defense with zero government experience. ‘Yeah I’ll run the Pentagon! Yeah I’ll throw the axe! Just make sire Times Square Elmo isn’t nearby, I’ll take off his f**kin’ head.'”
seth meyers
“I love how conservatives are like, ‘New York is a violent war zone. Well, time to fling an axe onto Fifth Avenue.'”
jordan klepper
“Don’t worry, a guy standing behind the target caught the axe with his face.”
jimmy fallon
“But launching a weapon that accidentally hit a civilian? Why are people saying this guy isn’t qualified to run the Pentagon?”
jordan klepper
[On the “if I can’t see it it can’t infect everyone around me” non hand-washing thing] “That’s Secretary I-Don’t-Wash-My-Hands to you.”
jordan klepper
“Okay, so now we know his strategy for the War in Ukraine. [Covers eyes] We did it! The fighting is over! [Uncovers eyes] Oh no, who started this war? [Covers eyes again] Oh thank God, we achieved peace! [Uncovers] Oh no, I gave myself pink eye!”
stephen colbert
“What’s his defense strategy? Give everyone pink eye?”
seth meyers
“Oh my God. He hadn’t washed his hands in 10 years—five years ago. How filthy must they be now? He could have the fist documented case of thumb-chlamydia. Also known as the clap-clap.”
stephen colbert
[On Hegseth’s seemingly hypocritical side gig as spokesperson for a line of grenade-shaped soaps, including such “manly” scents as gunpowder, booze, and cigarette] “For the kind of man who’s too insecure to wash his body. ‘Is it gay to soap up my own butt? I don’t know!'”
jordan klepper
“I’m surprised this ad wasn’t like, ‘Do you want to smell like a man at his lowest? Then try grenade soap and smell like divorce.'”
Jordan klepper
[On Hegseth changing the text between printings of one of his books to downplay criticism of divorce—after Hegseth’s second divorce caused by him cheating with a woman he works with] “Damn! Fella, you ever have sex so good it changes your opinion on divorce laws?”
jordan klepper
Defector of National Intelligence
And the hits just keep on coming, as Trump has picked former Representative Tulsi Gabbard to be [checks notes… checks again in case I’ve gone insane] director of national intelligence. Yup, that Tulsi Gabbard, the failed presidential candidate and person who so routinely parrots Russian state propaganda that former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton straight-up implied that she was a Russian asset. (Gabbard dropped her ensuing lawsuit against Clinton, probably when someone explained how discovery works.)
Just to summarize: Donald Trump himself has done nothing but praise Russian President Vladimir Putin; his most vocal online propagandists have been exposed as being on Putin’s payroll; there are decades of credible reports that Russian hacked incriminating information about various Republicans, including Donald Trump; Trump give top secret information to Russian officials right before scores of U.S. and allied intelligence agents were killed or disappeared; Trump stole classified documents and hid them in the crapper of his tacky golf resort; many of Trump’s closest associates have inextricable ties to Russian interests (with some going to prison); and now he’s proposing that an accused Russian agent be given the encrypted keys to every single U.S. intelligence secret we have.
Now to be fair, Stephen Colbert did put up a graphic of Gabbard’s supposed denial of her ties to one of the most repressive dictatorial governments in the world—translated into Russian.
“Now I have met this woman. I interviewed Tulsi Gabbard right over there during the 2020 presidential campaign and I gotta say [long pause] when I think Tulsi Gabbard, the word ‘intelligence’ is not the first one that comes to mind. Or the second.”
stephen colbert
“Trump also picked Tulsi Gabbard to be director of national intelligence, which is a big job. It could interfere with her other job: working for Russian national intelligence.”
jimmy kimmel
“And a reminder, Gabbard is known for spreading Russian propaganda on fringe, far-right sites, which is why Hillary Clinton said that Gabbard is being groomed by Russia. But only because she’s too old to be groomed by Matt Gaetz.”
stephen colbert
And the Rest…
[On Trump claiming Mike Huckabee will “bring peace to the Middle East” as Ambassador to Israel] “Wait a second. Oh my God. Is this how you’re telling us Jared Kushner did not bring peace to the Middle East?”
stephen colbert
[On ‘First Buddy” Elon Musk being appointed to advise on cutting government oversight] “Elon Musk is the richest man in the world with government contracts and connections to foreign governments, he has businesses regulated by the federal government. Now he’s basically co-president. It’s ludicrously corrupt. It’s like if we found out our cue card guy Wally was actually writing all the scripts on this show and that’s why he keeps getting lines. [Cut to Wally] That’s ridiculous. [Seth] Yeah, thanks Wally. You’re a great man and a genius. You’re also a patriot and—wait a second—did you write this? [Wally] I co-wrote it with Elon Musk.”
seth meyers
“The job is to cut wasteful government spending. And who knows more about wasteful spending than the guy who spent 44 billion dollars buying Twitter.”
jimmy fallon
[On Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy being chosen as joint heads of “government efficiency”] “Oh good idea, take two people that nobody wants to work with and make ’em work together. Why not just put Oasis in charge.”
seth meyers
“According to a new report, president-elect Trump’s aides are starting to get annoyed with Elon Musk’s involvement with the presidential transition. What a privilege to live in the kind of bubble where Elon Musk is just now starting to annoy you.”
seth meyers
[On Republicans ditching Trump’s choice of noted Medicare fraudster and GOP Senator Rick Scott in favor of John Thune for Senate Majority Leader] “It’s a little bit of a surprise, because MAGA conservatives were backing the candidacy of Florida Senator Rick Scott, aka Voldemoron.”
stephen colbert
There’s That Old Fighting Spirit
It might be unfair to criticize President Joe Biden for having the traditional sit-down to greet and congratulate his successor at the White House. Biden took the signature Democrat’s high road, ignoring the fact that Trump himself pointedly did not invite the victorious Biden to a similar hang in 2016, and wallpapering over that whole “I’mma send a violent mob of my thugs to try to prevent this from ever happening again” thing. Sure, we’d all be energized and uplifted if Biden took the opportunity of this week’s get-together with Donald Trump to attack the incoming president for being a racist, rapist, fascist waste of humanity, but that’s not really Joe or the Democrats whole vibe, is it?
Instead, Biden and Trump greeted each other in front of a cozy fireplace, made nice, and pretended like Trump wasn’t preparing to literally end American democracy in favor of a Trump-favoring Russian kakistocracy (get used to that word) where he and his oligarch cronies will subjugate anyone they don’t like while looting every single quarter and natural resource with the promise of an Elon Musk Mars retirement warm in their shriveled, tarry, hateful, greedy little hearts, bless ’em.
[On Trump half-apologizing by saying, “politics isn’t nice sometimes”] “What are you talking about, politics being not nice? Just be gracious, don’t bring up stuff from the past. It’s like a best man speech. ‘Sure, I called Vanessa sleepy, incompetent, low-IQ. I said she should be thrown in jail. And I don’t take any of that back, I’ll probably say it again very soon, most likely on social media in about an hour. But anyway, you make Dave very happy, you stupid bastard.'”
seth meyers
“The peaceful transfer of power is one of the most cherished features of American democracy. A hallowed tradition that stretches all the way from 1796 to 2016—yadda, yadda, yadda—and continues to this day.”
jordan klepper
President Biden hosted president-elect Trump today in the Oval Office and the two sat in front of a lit fireplace. Aww, look at that. It’s like parents who hate each other staying together for the kids. All while the kids are screaming, ‘Divorce him!!'”
seth meyers
“It’s so weird seeing Trump back in the White House. It’s like if there was a sequel to Snakes on a Plane but this time the plane was all snakes.”
jimmy kimmel
[On Trump’s unconvincing attempt to act like a gracious winner] “Now that’s a man who appreciates a smooth transition of power. As long as it’s transitioning towards him. If it’s transitioning away from him, there’s going to be some January 6-in’, but if it’s towards him—smooth.”
jordan klepper
“Last week Joe Biden was an evil force who weaponized the justice system to put Trump in prison for the rest of his life. Today they had fun!”
jimmy kimmel
“Oh my God, it is unnerving watching Trump try to behave. It’s like watching the neighborhood bulldog who’s always terrorizing mailmen mope around with a surgery cone.”
seth meyers
“Joe Biden, you spent the whole campaign calling him a fascist threat to democracy. It’s a little weird to now be like, ‘Well, give us a call if you need any help, Mr. Hitler. Toodle-oo!'”
jordan klepper
“Why is it important to show that you can be friends after an election in which you correctly called the other guy a threat to democracy. Boxers touch gloves before the fight. I don’t remember Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao getting together for waffles after the fact.”
seth meyers
stephen colbert
[As Biden, complete with aviators] “‘Welcome back, Jack. So happy you’re here. This smile’s as real as my teeth. Sure am glad I dropped out. Good call, Nancy, pushing old Joe out really saved democracy. Now let’s make a peaceful transfer of power to our new system of government, a flaming clown car into Nutball Canyon. Joe’s gotta go watch the new lady Matlock. [Flipping double bird] You all can go f**k yourselves, Joe’s out!'”
“I mean you correctly called him a criminal fascist who’s a threat to democracy. I’m not saying booby trap the place but you don’t have to be overly helpful. I mean how are you going to help him anyway, upgrade the toilets so they can handle more classified documents? Restock the fridge in Stephen Miller’s office with mice? ‘And another thing, we’re gonna lower the hoop on the White House basketball court so Elon can finally dunk.'”
seth meyers
“I know they’re trying to be polite but it just seems so strained to me. We’ve all been at that Thanksgiving dinner where your sister’s ex-husband is invited back so he can be with the kids and everyone’s trying to be cool but the tension is high. ‘I’m so grateful for all of you. And Derek, thank you for being here.’ ‘Thank you for having me, sir.’ ‘Would you mind passing the mashed potatoes, Derek, and try not to have sex with them like you did with the nanny.'”
seth meyers
[On the two people who did not make nice] “I have no idea why Melania skipped the meeting with Jill Biden. But if I had to guess, I’d say maybe it’s because there was no money in it?”
jimmy kimmel
Potpourri
“According to new research, Ozempic could help people cut back on drinking. Thanks to Ozempic you can have less food and less booze, so you can live longer, but what’s the point?”
jimmy fallon
“Authorities in Italy recently seized more than 2,100 fake pieces of art in connection with a large forgery network. Officials became suspicious when they realized The Last Supper had Burger King.”
seth meyers
“After filing for bankruptcy earlier this year, the restaurant chain Red Lobster this week announced a brand new menu. So stop on by for endless barnacles.”
seth meyers
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