Missed Tuesday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
The Clown Packs His Car
As your internet feed has assured you since the reelection of Donald Trump, there’s this ancient Turkish saying:”When a clown moves into a palace he doesn’t become a king, the palace becomes a circus.”
Now some may say that Turkey has its own problems with fascist-leaning, Hitler-praising idiot dictators to worry about, but the point still stands when it comes to the inevitable scrum of sycophants, unqualified yahoos, and dangerous bigots Donald Trump has begun assembling for his own White House nightmare circus. Basically, if you were to look at a list of national laughingstocks and disqualifyingly treasonous cretins who topped the late-night monologues over the last few years, chances are they’re first in line to shake Trump’s hand as he assembles his new cabinet.
“We’re starting to get more of a sense of what Season 2 of The Celebrity Appresident might look like.”
Jimmy Kimmel
“But I guess that’s the uniting factor. These people are kissing Trump’s ass so hard they’ve got bronzer. And yes, he puts it on down there.”
jordan klepper
“It’s gonna be a grueling process for potential cabinet members. Monday they had the interviews, Tuesday was swimsuits, tonight was evening gowns.”
jimmy fallon
“So far Trump has picked his Chief of Staff, border czar, and Ambassador to the U.N. And his Attorney General is gonna be whoever wins the Mike Tyson-Jake Paul fight.”
jimmy fallon
“According to insiders, Trump is building his administration more like a Silicon Valley startup than a normal presidential cabinet. Also, according to insiders, Trump thought Silicon Valley is where they make breast implants.”
jimmy fallon
Kristi Noem: Homeland Security
“Which means DHS now stands for, “Dogs, hide, shotgun!”
stephen colbert
“Kristi Noem for Homeland Security, are you f**king kidding me? She’s supposed to get the border under control? She couldn’t even train her dog.”
jordan Klepper
“Noem has an impressive resumé. She was a congresswoman, a governor, and during the campaign she was Trump’s most trusted backup dancer.”
jimmy fallon
“To keep our nation safe from unruly labradoodles, I guess.”
jimmy kimmel
“This woman has no national security experience. She’s the governor of South Dakota. That isn’t even the best Dakota. It goes North, Fanning, Johnson, then the building John Lennon was shot outside of, then South Dakota.”
jordan klepper
“I know, I know, it’s important not to focus on that one time Kristi Noem shot a dog. Because it’s also important to remember that she also shot and killed her family’s goat.”
stephen colbert
“Kristi Noem shouldn’t be in charge of a PetSmart, let alone homeland security.”
jimmy kimmel
“I will say Noem does have experience striking fear in the hearts of terrorists…wait, I read that wrong. Terriers.”
jordan klepper
Lee Zeldin: Environmental Protection
“Now you might not know much about Lee Zeldin because he’s from New York, but we all, you know, live and work here in New York and we also know nothing about him.”
stephen colbert
“It’s pretty cool how the fight over our nation’s climate policy is like a battle over a thermostat. Dad comes in and turns it down, then four years later mom comes in and turns it back up. Over and over until we drown.”
jordan klepper
“Oh yes, nothing says clear focus like having ’15 or 20 priorities.’ Reminds me of when FDR said this. [Dubbed clip of FDR] ‘The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. Also spiders, and bears, and clowns, and the Babadook, and calling someone you know the wrong name and then it’s too late to go back and ask. And accidentally eating a staple from the takeout bag.'”
stephen colbert
Stephen Miller: Deputy Führer Deputy Policy Chief
[After Miller praised Trump’s sartorial sense] “‘A style icon?’ Stephen Miller wants to put kids in cages but that is perhaps the most offensive thing he has said.”
jordan klepper
Marco Rubio: Secretary of State
“I heard that Trump is expected to make Senator Marco Rubio, who he once called ‘Little Marco’ during the 2016 presidential election his Secretary of State. That’s right, he picked Little Marco for Secretary of State and then for Secretary of Defense, he hired Little Caesar.”
jimmy fallon
“Trump is expected to pick Marco Rubio as Secretary of State. I’m sorry, I misread that. It should be Li’l Secretary of State.”
stephen colbert
[Montage of Trump mocking Rubio through the years] “He did everything but give him a swirlie and now he’s going to be Secretary of State.”
jimmy kimmel
[Unearthing a 2016 campaign quote where Rubio, mocking Trump, says, “And you know what they say about a man with small hands…”] “…they keep your balls in a jar on their desk?”
stephen colbert
“So what changed in their relationship? Well Rubio saw that people like Trump more than they like him, so he set his lips on ‘butt-smooch.'”
stephen colbert
“So even if you spend years insulting Donald Trump you can get back in his good graces just by praising him. Which is why I’d just like to take this opportunity to say to our new president-elect [Turns to camera 2] Pass.”
stephen colbert
Pete Hegseth: Secretary of Defense
“A guy on the Fox & Friends Weekend Edition to be Secretary of Defense. Hulk Hogan must be devastated.”
jimmy kimmel
Susie Wiles: Chief of Staff
[On Trump’s planned swath of executive orders] “Wiles shared these thoughts at a three-day conference at the Rockbridge Network, which is a group of right-wing money people founded by J.D. Vance that is focused on treating America like one big couch they can all screw together.”
jimmy kimmel
[On Wiles telling attendees that Trump intends to keep holding rallies] “He’s gonna keep doing them even though the election is over. That way Americans can stay up to date on the size of the late Arnold Palmer’s dong and whatnot.”
jimmy kimmel
Elon Musk: Unelected ‘Bring Back Apartheid‘ Floater
“But the most important person on Trump’s team right now doesn’t have a cabinet position. Elon Musk, world’s richest man and guy who looks like a wax statue of himself that you’d look at and say, ‘Man, that’s a bad wax statue.'”
jordan klepper
“Now since the election, Trump’s been getting something Musk’s 11 children will never receive—his full attention.”
jordan klepper
“The world’s richest man is helping the president-elect run the country. I’m sure by the time Elon’s done, his businesses will be unregulated, he’ll have billions in new government contracts, and it’ll be illegal to point and laugh at a Cybertruck.”
jordan klepper
“Poor, poor Zelenskyy. I mean hasn’t he been through enough? He’s in a bunker, Russian troops are massing outside, and he’s like, ‘Don’t put Elon on. Don’t—heeeyyyy, Elon…Yes, I did see you jump very high. Very cool, man.”
jordan klepper
“I guess because Elon provides Ukraine with internet through his satellites, this was basically a customer service call. Which means when they put Elon on the phone, Zelenskyy was probably like, ‘Ughhh, I hate when these things make you talk to a robot.'”
jordan klepper
“So now Elon is by the president-elect’s side with no oversight or security clearances, or even a title. [Tweet in which Musk refers to himself as “first buddy”] Ugh, you know what? Let’s go back to not having a title. First Buddy sounds like a sequel to Air Bud where we elect a golden retriever to be president, which frankly, I’d take at this point. Just keep it away from Kristi Noem.”
jordan klepper
Nikki Haley: Did Not Kiss Hard Enough
“In a new episode on her radio show, former U.N Ambassador Nikki Haley said that the results of the presidential election should be a wakeup call for Democrats for leaning too far left. In fact the only thing less popular than far left Democrats in this election was Nikki Haley.”
seth meyers
Whatever It Takes to Get Through This
“CNN published a report over the weekend on the increase in so-called doom-spending among Americans that have been shopping to soothe anxiety. Look at that, not even in office yet and he’s already helping the economy.”
seth meyers
“Following the election, bookings have spiked for rage rooms, where people pay to go break stuff. And if you think that people in rage rooms are mad, just imagine the people who couldn’t get a booking at a rage room.”
jimmy fallon
“If you’ve never heard of a rage room, it’s a place where people go to smash plates, cups, and bottles—it’s Waffle House.”
jimmy fallon
“Since the election, internet searches for ‘how to move abroad’ are up by more than 1000 percent. There’s also been a spike in searches for ‘frosting near me,’ ‘induce self coma how to,’ and ‘cried so hard I pooped?'”
stephen colbert
“Additionally, U.S. searches for ‘move to Canada’ increased by 1,270 percent. Making this a perfect time to debut my new reality show, Who Wants to Marry a Mountie?‘”
stephen colbert
The Monkshank Redemption
Those brave, clever rhesus macaques who escaped from the supervillain animal testing lair (just judging by its name, Alpha Genesis) last week are still on the loose in South Carolina. Well, some of them are. News is that the remaining 18 have been spotted in the vicinity of Fort Hancock, Texas.
“Officials in South Carolina now say they have captured 25 of the 43 monkeys that escaped from a lab. Which is a very positive way to say that we lost 18 monkeys.”
seth meyers
Worse Than Pirates of the Caribbean 5
“A Disney cruise ship rescued four people over the weekend from a sinking catamaran over the coast of Bermuda. ‘We’re good,’ said the other nine people on the catamaran.”
seth meyers
“A fog machine on a Royal Caribbean cruise triggered the sprinklers and soaked passengers for 20 minutes. Even worse, 20 minutes later a real fire broke out and sprinklers sprayed 20 minutes of fog.”
jimmy fallon
“One cruise line is offering four-year trips to people looking to avoid a second Trump term. The cruise takes place on a ship called The Odyssey. Because when I think positive travel experiences, I think The Odyssey.”
stephen colbert
Potpourri
“President Biden met today with Israeli President Isaac Herzog. ‘I had no idea he was the president,’ said everyone about both of them.”
seth meyers
“HBO said that Season 3 of Euphoria is finally moving forward with production next year. The last season was three years ago. It’s like Euphoria and Stranger Things are competing for oldest high school kid.”
jimmy fallon
“The FDA last week proposed ending the use of a common ingredient found in most cold and allergy medications, including NyQuil, Benadryl, and Sudafed. Or as Trump calls them, my three top advisers.”
seth meyers
“Tomorrow morning President Biden will host president-elect Trump for a sit-down meeting at the White House. Yeah, a sit-down meeting makes sense with a combined age of 160.”
jimmy fallon
“Chipotle yesterday named a former Arby’s executive as its new CEO. Wow, so he went from ‘We Have the Meats’ to ‘It’s in There Somewhere, Just Poke Around in the Rice a Little Bit.'”
seth meyers
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