Missed Wednesday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Insurrectionists Need Not Apply
The fallout from NBC News’ disastrous decision to hire former Republican National Committee chair and caught-on-tape 2020 coup participant Ronna McDaniel continued on Wednesday. In addition to the former GOP operative’s threats to sue NBC in the wake of her firing after a massive public outcry (and that of most NBC on-air personalities), NBC executives are facing further scrutiny for offering a job to someone who has routinely backed up former President and January 6 insurrectionist Donald Trump’s lies about the election being stolen. (At least until McDaniel was herself fired from her RNC post by presumptive nominee Trump in favor of his daughter-in-law Lara.)
Late-night hosts have seized upon a scandal that not only keeps the ongoing Republican efforts to undermine American democracy front and center, but also holds the news media’s feet to the fire for lending legitimacy to those still very much involved in a do-over. As The Daily Show‘s Jordan Klepper put it, “This is not a just a fight about how to remember the past. The people who did January 6 are trying to get back in power. If they lose, they’ll do January 6 again. If they win… they’ll probably still do January 6 again, just for old time’s sake.”
“In case you’re unfamiliar with McDaniel, she is… terrible.”
Stephen colbert
“Yes, Ronna McDaniel lasted only five days on NBC. Which is less screen time than dead bodies on Law & Order get.”
Jordan Klepper
“As head of the RNC, Ronna repeatedly claimed that the 2020 election was rigged, helped Trump’s campaign assemble fake electors, and even was on a call with Trump when he pressured election officials not to certify vote totals in a key Michigan county. Happy Women’s History Month gals! It’s 2024, you too can be morally bankrupt, dictator-enabling douche-nuggets!”
stephen colbert
[On Trump referring to imprisoned January 6 insurrectionists as “hostages”] “I wouldn’t call convicted criminals hostages. Although if MAGA wants to treat them as hostages, we could have a hostage exchange. I’m happy to release them if they, I don’t know, could give us the old Kanye back.”
jordan klepper
“I haven’t seen on-air talent rebel like that since Elmo said, ‘The Alfred P. Sloan Foundation can kiss Elmo’s furry butt. So can viewers like you!'”
stephen colbert
[On Trump inviting an imprisoned insurrectionist choir to sing the national anthem at his rallies] “We can’t normalize this. Do you remember when he wasted three moths of our lives being mad at Colin Kaepernick for kneeling during the national anthem? Now he’s saluting rioters, insurrectionists, and, even worse, a cappella singers.”
jordan klepper
[On McDaniel’s excuse that, as RNC chair, she had to lie to “take one for the team”] “‘Before, I was carrying water for a fascist wannabe dictator. Now I’m getting bangs!'”
stephen colbert
[On released insurrectionist and “QAnon Shaman” Jacob Chansley’s run for Congress in Arizona] “Real solutions? What solutions could you possibly have? ‘Social Security is in trouble, have you tried beating it with a flagpole?'”
jordan klepper
[On McDaniels’ successor’s new RNC policies] “Reportedly, they’ve been asking any potential hires whether they believe the 2020 election was stolen. Yes, if you wanna work at the RNC, you’ve got to believe Trump’s big lie. The other interview questions include, ‘How sexy is Donald Trump, on a scale of Hubba Hubba! to Boi-oi-oi-ng!‘ and ‘Will you give me $60 for this flag Bible?'”
stephen colbert
Let Us Prey
Oh, and about those Bibles. Hosts weren’t done mocking the Trump campaign’s latest grift of $60 Bibles endorsed by Trump and “God Bless the U.S.A.” singer Lee Greenwood. As Stephen Colbert put it concerning the hybrid religious texts/shameless fundraiser on the backs of the MAGA faithful, “Making money is Trump’s religion. As his Jesus famously said, ‘It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle if you pay me four easy installments of $19.95! Act now, disciples are standing by!'”
[On Trump’s claim to own “many” Bibles personally] “He has to have spare Bibles because any time he holds one it bursts into flames.”
stephen colbert
“Yep, the guy who’s about to go on trial for paying hush money to cover up an affair with a porn star is sellin’ Bibles. And, because it’s a Trump Bible, most of the commandments are blacked out.”
seth meyers
“Yes! Donald Trump is now hawking a Bible! its just like any other good book, except in the middle of this one there’s a centerfold.”
stephen colbert
“Great, so now the only thing separating church and state is a bookmark.”
seth meyers
“Who doesn’t love Lee Greenwood’s hit, ‘God Bless the U.S. A.’ And his other big hits like… ‘Thank You for Blessin’ the U.S.A., God.'”
stephen colbert
“It’s like if Mike Pence was selling copies of 50 Shades of Grey.”
jimmy Fallon
[On this Bible’s inclusion of various U.S. founding documents] “So you’re spending 60 dollars on public domain writing.[Trump voice] ‘If you order now, you’ll get all the lyrics to ‘Camptown Races,’ and a picture of Jesus’ most beloved disciple, Steamboat Willie.'”
stephen colbert
[On the not-a-joke FAQ on the Bible’s ordering page asking, “What if my Bible has sticky pages?”] “This is a frequently asked question? Evidently, the workers at the Bible factory get really excited over the word ‘begat.'”
stephen colbert
Hushed at Your Own Hush Money Trial
After Donald Trump—the only former President to ever go on trial in a criminal court—attacked both presiding Judge Juan M. Merchan and Merchan’s daughter on social media, the court slapped Trump with a gag order on Tuesday. The order, which Trump immediately violated, precludes the former President and current criminal defendant from making “threatening, inflammatory, denigrating” statements about potential witnesses and officers of the court. Basically, the standard safeguards courts take when there’s a mobster on trial with a history of intimidation and directing underlings to harass those involved in his prosecution.
“So the judge said Trump can’t attack witnesses, jurors, prosecutors, or court staff. But he also issued a list of things Trump can continue to attack, including: toilets, windmills, spell check, dogs, the Oscars, the NFL, teleprompters, horses, whales, and ‘Joe Buden’—whoever that is.”
Seth Meyers
“Okay, that’s positive, but, it raises a disturbing question. How do you gag someone who speaks out of their ass? The answer—very carefully.”
stephen colbert
[In response to Sean Hannity asking “Is this still America?”] “I don’t know, man. A desperately uninformed TV personality who looks like the greeter at a steakhouse is getting 30 million dollars a year to whine on Fox News every night—sounds like America to me.”
seth meyers
Potpourri
“Last night, someone at a liquor store in New Jersey bought the only winning ticket for the Mega Millions jackpot. It’s odd when you walk into a liquor store on a Tuesday and make a good decision.”
jimmy fallon
“Yup, there’s a new billionaire in New Jersey. I have a feeling you’re going to be able to see that pinkie ring from space.”
jimmy fallon
“Today was Manatee Appreciation Day, unfortunately at Red Lobster.”
seth meyers
[After Trump ranted on Truth Social about someone named ‘Joe Buden’] “Let me just say that ‘Joe Buden’ would be good nickname for Biden if he started smoking weed to appeal to young voters.”
seth meyers
“How do you get the current President’s name wrong when you’re running against him? There are places where, if you get that answer wrong, you spend the rest of the night strapped to a gurney.”
seth meyers
[On sportswriter Rick Reilly calling Trump’s golf game “fake as Velveeta cheese”] “Come on, Velveeta isn’t fake. It’s full of all natural ingredients, like… yellow. And rectangle.”
stephen colbert
[On Reilly claiming that pro golfers look the other way because “They wanted their own stories about Trump cheating”] “Okay, well then that’s understandable. Because the only other way to get a story about Trump cheating is to marry him.”
stephen colbert
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